Life Without the One I Love

'Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.'

I had seen that quote written everywhere over the internet and it was right. Losing Maria was devastating to me but losing the love and happiness inside me was worse. I could feel myself disappearing into the crowd, I was losing me, my identity. Everything about me was slowly fading.

“It's going to be ok Zhenya,” Ksenia was standing right next to me her hand on my back rubbing soothing circles there as they lowered her casket into the ground.
I was literally chocking back the tears, thankful for the sunglasses I had opted to wear. I didn't want anyone to see me crying.

“Daddy can we?” Kieta tugged lightly on my hand and pointed to all the other people dropping flowers into the grave.
“Not yet,” I stayed perfectly still watching as our family and friends stepped forward, people we hadn't seen in what seemed like forever all there to say goodbye.

“Come on sweetie,” Ksenia put her hand out for Kieta and took her with Natalie and Victoria to drop a rose each in. It broke my heart to see Kieta turn around instantly and throw her arms around Ksenia and break down crying. She was missing her mummy just like I was.

“Evgeni...” I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of a familiar deep Russian voice.
“Viktor...” I felt my throat dry up at the sight of Maria's father.
“Come here son,” he pulled me in for a hug.

I hadn't seen or heard from Maria's parents since we got married 4 years ago. They never liked me, well her mother never liked me, her father was quite open to the fact that he wishes he had a son like me but still it just never seemed to work out between us.

“How are you handling it?” he kept a warm hand on my shoulder.
“I am ok,” I shrugged without much expression to it.
“And Kieta, she's ok?”
“I hope so.”
“Look I am sorry but I have to go, if you ever need anything just call, our number is still the same,” he pulled me in for another hug this one a little quicker and a little more desperate before he turned and walked away.

It left me feeling a little confused. I never expected either of them to come and see me but his uneasiness made me feel sick. There had to be something going on, something that Lucya, Maria's mother was doing for Viktor to play the nice guy. Whatever it was I just hoped it wouldn't be an issue for me.

I found enough strength in my body to move forward and take Kieta from Sergei. She was a wreck, tears streaming down her face and I wished there was something I could do for my little girl but right now all I had was to hold her.

I didn't want to say goodbye but as the crowd began to thin out, people walking past me giving me a sorry smile, a squeeze on the shoulder before disappearing I knew my chance was going too.

“Come here sweetheart,” I knelt down and put Kieta on her feet keeping my arm tightly around her waist.
“You want to put the rest in?” I grabbed the basket people had been taking the roses from to see a handful or so left.
“Ok,” she wiped her tears away and straightened herself up taking the basket in both her tiny hands.

I encased hers with mine and together we dropped them on top of the casket.
“I love you mummy,” she turned back into my arms and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“I love you Maria,” I whispered before reluctantly standing up.

People always say that saying goodbye is the hardest part and they are right. 'Til death do us part' I never actually took it into consideration. No one thinks about living life without the person they love and marry, no one actually thinks about death parting them, not at least until you were old and grey and had lived the life you longed to.

We didn't get that chance, Maria spent her whole life making sacrifices for me, for hockey and I never got to repay her for it.

“Daddy?” Keita poked her head into the bedroom later that night.
“Yeah sweetie?” I put the book I had been reading but not really taking in the words down.
“Can we have a bath?” she wandered into the middle of the room and stopped looking at me with sad eyes.
“Of course,” I climbed out of bed and walked over to her still standing quietly on the rug, “can't sleep?”
“No,” she shook her head as I scooped her up in my arms.

Having a bath at midnight wasn't something that was out of the ordinary for Kieta, it was just usually Maria was the one to help her. They would sit in amongst the bubbles and sing until Kieta was tired enough to sleep again. I was afraid that was going to change a little though.

Kieta sat quietly at one end of the tub as I sat at the other, she stared down at the water and poked at the bubbles.
“Want more bubbles?” I asked unsure of where to go with this.
“Ok,” she mumbled quietly but didn't look up as I reached out of the bath to grab the bottle and squeeze some more of the liquid in with us.

“Daddy?” she finally spoke up with just a little bit more confidence in her voice.
“What's wrong Kieta?” I reached out grabbed her chin and made her look up at me.
“Do you miss mummy?”
“Of course, why you think I not?” I frowned.
“You not cry, are you not sad?” her face was so sweet and innocent.
“Of course I am sad, sometimes people not cry when they sad though,” I told her honestly because I knew she would be confused with her feelings right now.

“Come here,” I grabbed her and sunk down into the warmth of the water with her snuggled on my chest, her head warm on my shoulder. I didn't really know how to do this but holding Kieta made me feel just a little bit closer to Maria. She was a part of both of us and Kieta was just a spitting image of her mother, the same hair and eyes, the same innocent face and the way they both would hold onto me as if their life depended on it when they were upset.
“I love you Kieta,” I reminded her dropping a kiss to her forehead.