Happy Birthday

August 30th 2003

The alleyway was quiet, the only source of light coming from the yellow glow that streamed into the smoking area from the bar. She leaned against the wall, her mind going through the past hour and how her life had changed dramatically with one look and one word.

They walked down the street hand in hand as they always did when they were out in public. They were dressed nicely, in honour of her twenty fifth birthday, which Frank insisted was a big deal. ‘It’s not every day you turn quarter of a century old’ he had teased her with a wide smile that made her stomach flip uncomfortably even after four years together. The day also marked their four year anniversary but it was taking a back burner as per usual.

‘Where are we going?’ she whined after they had walked for twenty minutes. She wasn’t fond of exercise, finding it tedious, boring and less fun than reading or watching TV.

‘We’re nearly there’ he laughed at her, tightening his hold on her hand and playfully tugging her along. She felt a slight twinge of disappointment when she saw they were walking in the direction of the bar they frequented when they were back in New Jersey. She held in her sigh, trying not to feel annoyed that he had gotten her hopes up that they were going someplace nice for a meal, maybe somewhere posh with a dress code and an over price menu where all the dishes were in some other language . She wondered why he made her get dressed up like he had if they were going to some dingy bar. She had pulled her blond hair into a neat bun, showing off her face for once. Her grey eyes were lined with eyeliner and her lips were painted a light pink colour.

He opened the door for her, letting her walk in first like he always did.

‘SURPRISE!’

She jumped a couple of feet into the air, her hand clutching her chest in shock as all the breath left her body. There was a crowd of people, possibly thirty to fifty containing a mixture of family and friends.

‘Surprise’ Frank’s voice whispered into her ear from behind her. She turned to face him, slapping his arm.

‘You fucker’ she laughed.

He just giggled, pulling her into a kiss before she let her eyes wonder around the place. The bar had been booked as a private event obviously, judging by the missing regular crowd that came by on the weekends. There was a banner over the bar, which spelled out ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA’ in silver against a blue background.

‘Happy birthday baby’ her mother came rushing over to her, wearing makeup and a loose fitting lime green dress. She rarely got out so she made the most of it when she did.

‘Thanks Mom’ she returned her mother’s hug, earning a kiss on the cheek before her Dad came over, gushing the same sentiments as her mother.

‘C’mon, I’ll get us some drinks’ Frank was impatient when her parents finally left, pulling her over to the bar. He looked nervous, and paler than usual. His hands were shaking slightly as he led her to the bar. It was times like this that reminded her that he was younger than her by two years. It had been a source of contention at first, considering she was twenty one and he had been a few weeks shy of nineteen. She had been afraid of people talking, calling her a cradle snatcher or a cougar. She had let it go in the end though; instead reminding anyone who made a comment on the topic that if the shoe was on the other foot there would be nothing said about it. It usually shut them up. He would be twenty three in about four weeks, although he didn’t look a day over eighteen. He had just finished college and had gotten a job for some independent record label in their marketing department. She was so proud of him when he got the job that she bought him the guitar he had wanted for the past two years but they could never afford, not while living in some small crummy apartment in New York they could barely afford while they were in college and working part time just to scrape by and pay bills. They had made it through though and now here they were, both working steady jobs. Both of them adults who were starting to find out what living really meant.

‘Are you okay Frankie?’ she asked in a low voice, squeezing his bicep lightly in concern.

‘Yeah, I’m fine’ he let out a shaky breath, trying to appear fine but Lisa knew better than to fall for it. She bit her lip, debating whether to let it go or not.

‘Okay, if you’re sure’ she responded doubtfully.

He handed her a drink, which she took gratefully.

‘I think I see the guys, we should go say hello’ he didn’t wait for her to answer before dragging her over to their table at the back of the bar.

‘Happy birthday doll!’ Gemma greeted her cheerfully as she stood up from her chair, flanked by Ray who pulled her into a hug. Lisa had known Ray for about eight years, meeting him through Mikey in her senior year of High School. She met Gemma two years later when Ray started dating her.

Her eyes landed on her best friend, Mikey who was sitting next to Ray. Her smile became wider instantly. It had been a couple of months since they had last seen each other, seeing as she was based in New York and he was still in New Jersey.

‘Happy Birthday’ he laughed when she jumped into his arms, his tight squeeze letting her know he was just as happy to see her as she was to see him. They stayed in their embrace for too long, not wanting to let go quite yet. When they finally let go Mikey pulled her over to the seat beside him which was vacant.

‘Melissa is on her way down, she got held up in work’ he explained his girlfriend’s absence, not sounding at all annoyed.

‘Cool, I haven’t seen you two in forever! I can’t believe Frank organised all this!’

​​​‘Yeah, he’s been planning this for a least a month I think’ Mikey told her, taking a sip of his beer.

​​​‘Wow’ she was taken aback by the effort he put in. She could see in one of the far corners of the room there was food laid out by some catering crowd, there was a DJ setting up his booth close to the bar. She recognised him as a friend of Frank from college.

​​​‘Hey.’

​​​The voice stopped her wandering gaze, her body becoming still in surprise. She slowly turned around to see hazel eyes focused her, black hair which had just been cut falling into them. His average height and frame was clothed in a white shirt and dark blue jeans. He stood there, waiting for her to react while he clasped the hand of his long term girlfriend Vanessa. She was beautiful, with chocolate brown hair and blue eyes that didn’t need make up to make them stand out. Her face was pleasant and her smile cheerful as she gazed at Lisa.

​​​‘Hey Gerard, Hi Vanessa’ she responded cheerfully.

​​​‘Happy birthday pet’ Vanessa bent down to give her a hug, kissing her cheek.

​​​‘Thank you. Thanks for making it down.’

​​​‘We wouldn’t miss it’ Gerard replied, briefly giving her a hug when Vanessa pulled away.

​​​‘Dude, there’s seats over there’ Mikey pointed over to the table a couple of metres to ​​Gerard’s left, which Gerard quickly grabbed and brought over to the small table.

​​​‘Where’s Frank?’ he questioned, making Lisa look around for him. She hadn’t realised he had left her, her eyes scanning the room quickly. She found him talking to her father, causing her eyebrows to shoot up in surprise for a split second.

​​​‘He’s talking to my dad, he’ll be back in a minute’ she replied.

​​​She sat with them for another ten minutes before she felt obliged to get up and say hello to some relatives she hadn’t seen since last Christmas. She promised she would come back as soon as possible, flashing them a quick smile as she gathered her drink and bag. She ended up spending the next twenty minutes talking to her aunt from her father’s side of the family, barely focusing on the topic (her cousin whom she hated with a passion) giving her aunt a fake smile before excusing herself to talk to Frank’s mother.

​​​‘Hi Linda!’ she loved Frank’s mother, enjoying the time she spent in her company whenever the opportunity arose. Frank was an only child, so Linda treated Lisa like the daughter she never had.

​​​‘Oh honey you look lovely! Are you enjoying yourself?’

​​​‘Definitely, I can’t believe Frank went to so much trouble to do all this!’

​​​‘There’s more to come as well’ Linda’s tone suggested she knew something Lisa didn’t, her eyes sparkling in a mixture of delight and mischief. Lisa was about to question her when there was an announcement that the food was ready. Frank found her quickly, lacing their hands again and bringing her over to the assortment of food he had organised. It was far too much, but she didn’t bother repeating this to Frank. He would only reply ‘better too much than too little’ before flashing her that grin. Her excitement dulled her appetite a little, but it didn’t stop her from loading her plate full of food. If she was honest she wasn’t fond of big parties after what had happened at her twenty first, but she appreciated the thought behind Frank’s effort. Frank took her over to a small table near the centre of the room, where they sat just the two of them while everyone else sat down in scattered tables around the room. They made small talk while they ate, Lisa thanking Frank for organising the night. He looked at her with his huge hazel eyes, muttering ‘anything to make you happy’. He still seemed a little agitated and pale. She wondered if he was sick.

​​​‘Frank, are you sure you’re feeling alright? You’re really pale’ she asked.

​​​‘I’m fine, I’m just…just nervous.’ He was looking at the discoloured red and dark blue patterned carpet that covered the floor of the bar as though it was of sudden interest.

​​​‘What are you nervous about?’

​​​Her question didn’t seem to register with him at first, his body shaking a little. When she was about to repeat her question he looked up at her again his eyes suddenly seemed even bigger and darker.

​​​‘You know I love you don’t you? ‘Cos I do, more than anything else in this world. Every day I wake up and wonder how I got so lucky when I wake up beside you. You complete me, in every way imaginable.’

​​​Without warning he pushed his chair back while his hand was digging in his pocket, bending down on one knee in front of her holding an open box in front of him. It contained a silver ring, with three small diamonds gracing the top of the band. The room suddenly went quiet as the crowd realised what was happening. Frank took a deep breath.

​​​‘I…The last four years have been the best of my life. Words can’t even begin to describe just how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. You’re my partner in everything I do and I want to spend the rest of my life with you Lisa. I want to wake up beside you every morning, go to sleep with you every night. I want to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you make me. I want you to be my wife. Lisa, will you marry me?’

​​​Lisa was speechless, shock rendering her unable to think while she stared at Frank with wide eyes. She hadn’t expected this, at all. They were both still so young and immature in so many ways. She figured this step would be a few years down the line. Her eyes left Frank’s for a fleeting moment, meeting with the hazel eyes that she knew as well as Frank’s. His expression was unreadable, hard and neutral as he held her gaze. For a second she imagined she saw a flicker of panic or maybe fear in them that matched her own feelings before she broke the connection between them, focusing on Frank again. It was a matter of two second but it felt like a lifetime. The lack of response had told her all she needed to know.

​​​‘Yes.’ Her voice came out breathless and high pitched. There was a round of applause when Frank placed the ring on her finger, his hands shaking even harder than before. He cupped her face gently before kissing her lips, happiness radiating off him. It was infectious as she began to giggle in disbelief.

​​​‘Oh my God. We just got engaged didn’t we?’ she asked dumbly, her mind seemingly shutting down on her.

​​​‘I think so’ Frank laughed at her. He kissed her again, mumbling ‘I love you’ against her lips as the clapping died down.

​​​‘A toast to the happy couple’ Mikey stood up and raised his glass, a knowing look on his face. He had known Frank was going to propose, she could tell by his expression. There was a clattering of people clinking their glasses together.

​​​Suddenly they were bombarded by people offering their congratulations, advice and well wishes. Lisa couldn’t help but notice that one person was absent from their line of well wishers.

​​​She stood outside, needing to get some air to clear her head and come down off her high a little.

​​​‘Are you really going to do it?’

​​​She jumped for the second time that night, her over active mind causing her to miss the sound of Gerard stepping outside in the alley to join her.

​​​‘Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I?’ She replied, offended.

​​​‘Do you really think it’s going to work out?’ he countered.

​​​She glared at him, her eyes narrowed dangerously.

​​​‘What the hell Gerard?’

​​​‘Don’t do it.’ He spoke in a hushed tone, afraid of someone over hearing them.

​​​Before she could open her mouth his hands were on her cheeks quickly followed by his lips crashing onto hers. She pushed him away, shaking in anger.

​​​‘What the fuck are you playing at Gerard? Why are you trying to ruin this for me?’

​​​‘He’s not the person for you Lisa. He won’t make you happy, not in the long run. You don’t love him, not really’ he spoke quickly, invading her personal space again. His movements gave away his desperation, his expression pained.

​​​‘And you are?’ she asked incredulously.

​​​‘I-‘

​​​Something inside her seemed to snap. The years of pent up and repressed anger, hurt and betrayal overwhelmed her, his actions making her see red. Tears welled up in her eyes, similar to his own watery eyes as they maintained eye contact.

​​​‘I can’t believe you’re doing this. I waited years for you to notice me, to love me. I’ve loved you since I was fucking seventeen. I gave you my virginity because I fucking loved you so much and in return you treated me like shit and I got my heart trampled on because you thought I wasn’t good enough for you. You made me feel like I was worth less than nothing. Now, I’m happy and in love with someone who fucking loves me and you’re trying to ruin it for me. This is supposed to be the happiest night of my life and here you go trying to hurt me, on my fucking birthday yet again. You just can’t help yourself can you? Am I some kind of game to you? ‘Let’s see how much I can screw with Lisa’s head before she completely breaks down?’ What’s you prize at the end, huh? Does it make you feel better about yourself, or do you just get satisfaction from causing other people misery? You call yourself one of my best friends but really you’re worse than my enemies because even they wouldn’t put me through half the shit you’ve put me through.’

​​​‘Lisa please, you have to-‘

​​​‘I don’t have to do anything Gerard. I’m finally done with you. Don’t call me or contact me in any way. I’ll act as normal as possible in front of the others when we all go out but that’s as far as I’m willing to go. I want you out of my life. Have a nice life Gerard.’

​​​She gave him one last look, wiping the tears away and quickly taking in a calmer breath before walking inside. The image of a devastated Gerard would be forever imprinted in her mind, his tear filled eyes burned into her memory. The pain she felt in that moment would fade in time, as would the memory.
***********************************************************************
August 30th 1995

​​​The walk to Mikey’s house was quiet, her footsteps light and soundless on the grey pavement. The neighbourhood was a generic New Jersey street, grey cold and unwelcoming as the sun began to gave way to the moon. She felt a little nervous walking alone this late in a neighbourhood she had never been in before, asking herself yet again why she refused Mikey’s offer to meet her halfway to make sure she was safe. She sighed, digging her hands even further into her pockets. She had met Mikey the week before in a book store, both of them had reached for the last copy of a book on their English reading list and from there they began an awkward conversation. They realised they both went to Bellville High, and even had some classes together including English. They become friends quickly, something that came as a shock to Lisa who was pretty much friendless. She sat next to people during lunch but she didn’t really know them, as they sure as hell didn’t know much about her. Mikey, in one week got to know her better than the people she sat next to in school for the last four years.
​
​​​​​When he found out about her seventeenth birthday and her lack of plans to celebrate it he had automatically invited her over to his place for a ‘party’. He wanted her to meet a few people he told her. His brother, who was four years older and in college would get them beers and ‘other things’, whatever that meant. Ray would be there, and maybe Frank too, whoever they were. He had insisted that they would love her, due to her love of Star Wars and appreciation of the Batman cartoons, even if she hadn’t read the comics. She bit her lip when she finally found the house, seeing an old beat up silver car outside. She assumed it belonged to Mikey’s brother, since Mikey had told her his mother would be working the night shift in the hospital. She walked up the drive way, the butterflies in her stomach making her feel nauseous and extremely nervous. Her hand shook as she reached out and pressed the bell, hearing the faint ‘ding dong’ sound that let her know the sound had been heard throughout the house. She stood anxiously for a minute, waiting for someone (preferably Mikey) to answer the door. The door opened with a creaking sound, reminding Lisa of a horror movie.

​​​Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the man who answered the door, taking in his appearance. He had long black hair, a straight pixie nose and thin lips. It was his eyes that stood out though. They were framed by long dark lashes, the irises a golden hazel colour which seemed to shine. He smiled when he looked at her, showing his teeth which could be mistaken for his baby teeth they were so small.

​​​‘Lisa I take it?’ He asked, his New Jersey drawl coming out strong.

​​​She nodded, unable to answer. Her voice seemed to have stopped working, she was too nervous to speak.

​​​‘Alright, c’mon in then I suppose. Mikey’s in the living room’ He opened the door wide for her, letting her walk in past him before he shut it. He beckoned her to follow him, leading the way down the hall.

​​​‘I’m Gerard’ he introduced himself as he walked ‘Mikey’s brother.’

​​​‘Nice to meet you’ she managed to mumble, embarrassed by how shy and awkward she sounded.

​​​‘Likewise. Happy birthday by the way.’

​​​When she walked into the living room she saw Mikey slouched on the couch with a can of beer in hand, along with two other guys.

​​​‘Hey Lisa’ Mikey greeted her enthusiastically, getting off the couch and walking over to her.
​​​‘You met Gerard I see, I’ll introduce to the others. The guy with the afro is Ray’ Ray held up a hand and waved while he nodded ‘and the midget is Frank.’

​​​‘Fuck you Mikey’ Frank spat, his cheeks coloured red and his eyes avoiding Lisa.

​​​That night was the beginning of the rest of her life. She sat in the room with the four guys and let herself go for the first time ever. She drank her first beer and smoked her first joint. They watched movies for the whole night, the weed and alcohol making sure they stayed awake and alert. Her parents were so happy she was out of the house and making friends that they didn’t care when she rang them to say she was staying at Mikey’s that night. They trusted her enough to know she wouldn’t do anything stupid. By the time midnight struck the clock she knew one thing was certain.

​​​She was in love with Gerard Way. She didn’t know if it was the way he laughed, how he moved his hands when he talked, or how he seemed to speak out of the side of his mouth but there was something there that drew her to him. The way he looked her made her wonder if he felt the same way about her.
***************************************************************************
August 30th 1997

​​​She had finally finished unpacking her belongings; the small cupboard that was called the bedroom was the best thing in the world. It was the weekend before she was due to start her second year at NYU. She had picked the college in New York to be closer to Gerard who was in his final year at art school. She knew it was pathetic but she couldn’t help it. In the two years since she met him they had met numerous times before eventually becoming loose friends in her first year of college. He had helped her find her way around the city, showing her the best haunts and where to avoid. For her eighteenth birthday he bought beers and invited all of them to New York to get wasted. Frank was due in school the next day so he couldn’t make it but it had been a fun night with Gerard, Ray and Mikey all the same. Mikey had decided to hold off on college for a while until he could decide what exactly it was he wanted to do. As for Lisa, she knew she wanted to study English so she took the first college in New York that accepted her. She had spent the first year living in the university dormitory, hating every minute of it. The roommates were rude, messy and just plain ignorant. She made a few friends through her English tutorials, Sophie and Mia who were determined to make her more social. They had also unsuccessfully tried to get her to date. She explained her situation but to no avail. They had laughed and told her it was never going to happen, that she needed to date to get over him.

​​​‘He’s too old for you anyway, he’s like, twenty three or something isn’t it?’ had been Mia’s reply. She couldn’t make herself fall for anyone else though, not when her heart belonged to someone else. She longed for him in a way she knew was unhealthy. It was an unrequited love and it would always be that way. She just wished she could be good enough for him. It wasn’t all bad this year though she told herself. She had gotten a small, shitty apartment to herself. Being an only child had its perks, enabling her parents to scrape the money together to afford to pay for her rent. She would have to get a job to keep herself above water but she wasn’t worried about that. She wouldn’t have to deal with obnoxious roommates and she could invite Mikey over whenever she wanted. The apartment was an open plan kitchen/living area, with a tiny bedroom and a smaller bathroom. It was heaven to her though. She heard a knock on the front door, making her turn sharply in surprise to look at the door. She wasn’t expecting anyone, not today anyway. Nobody could make it up to see her for her nineteenth birthday. Mikey was working, as was Ray and Frank was entering his last year of high school. Sophie and Mia were only moving back into the city themselves after summer break so they were a no go as well. They had agreed to meet the following week to throw a combined birthday party for Mikey and Lisa She had been unable to get in touch with Gerard so heaven knows what he was up to.

​​​She answered the door, her jaw nearly dropping when she saw Gerard at her door.

​​​‘Hi’ her voice indicated her confusion, her eyes racking in the vision that was Gerard. He was wearing an Evil Dead t-shirt with combats; his hair was still as long as it had been when she met him two years ago. He hadn’t changed at all since that day.

​​​‘What up birthday gal! Mikey told me he couldn’t make it up for your birthday so I bring alcohol and movies to celebrate old style.’

​​​Lisa laughed at him, his smile was adorable and he looked very pleased with himself as he held up the bag that contained the alcohol and videos. She was touched that he made a point of calling over to her on her birthday when nobody else did. She had been pushing the hurt feelings to the back of her mind while she was unpacking.

​​​‘Awesome!’

​​​She opened the door to make way for him. He took a few steps in before stopping to quickly scan the apartment. It wasn’t much really but it was certainly better than a shared dormitory.

​​​‘Nice place’ he commented, impressed at her luck.

​​​‘I know, it was a fucking steal too. My dad managed to get the guy to drop the rent down a little.’

​​​‘Please tell me you have a TV and VCR…’

​​​‘Of course, I took the TV from my room.’

​​​He shrugged his leather jacket off and settled himself on the couch, grabbing a beer out of the bag and cracking it open.

​​​‘What did you bring?’ she asked, sitting down next to him. She was trying not to shake; her whole body was a bundle of nerves. She had never really been alone with him before. They were always with other people or in public when they met. She could feel a tension in the room or at least she convinced herself she did. It was probably just in her head, her imagination getting the better of her.

​​​‘Evil Dead.’

​​​‘Yes!’ she rummaged through the bag and found the tape, popping it into the VCR before taking a beer and putting the rest in the fridge.

​​​‘Cheers’ he held his beer up.

​​​‘Cheers’ she mimicked, slouching down on the couch beside him hoping that he couldn’t hear just how loudly her heart was beating. She could barely focus on the film; her senses were overwhelmed by Gerard’s presence. She could smell his deodorant, mixed in with the familiar scent of cigarettes. Even when she was facing the TV she could see him in her peripheral vision. She was hyper sensitive to the fact they sitting so close together that they were almost touching. Her mouth was dry in spite of the fact she was starting on her second beer. She was a wreck and he was sitting beside her oblivious to the effect he was having on her.

​​​‘I don’t know about you but I’m fucking starving’ Gerard mumbled when the credits came on screen.

​​​‘I could eat’ she was starving actually but he didn’t need to know that.

​​​‘There’s a nice pizza place across the street, cheap too. Hold on here and I’ll go grab us one.’

​​​She nodded, watching him as he put his jacket back on and left. She wondered why he was still hanging around. Did he feel bad for her because it was her birthday? She wanted to believe he was staying because he liked her company, although she knew it was probably more out of sympathy than anything else. Perhaps Mikey had asked him to keep her company; she knew he felt bad that work had made him miss what was becoming a yearly ritual. She finished off her second beer, her body relaxing a little now that she wasn’t in such close proximity to Gerard. He came back twenty minutes later, a pizza box in hand which smelled divine.

​​​She grabbed the box off him, opening it and taking a slice out before sitting down again. He giggled at her before getting a slice himself.

​​​‘Hungry much?’ he teased.

​​​She just shrugged, her stomach making her not care in its hungry state. They managed to devour the entire pizza between them in comfortable silence, or as comfortable as Lisa could get when in Gerard’s company.

​​​‘How much do I owe you?’ Lisa asked when she threw the empty box in the bin.

​​​‘It’s on me.’

​​​‘Thanks’ she mumbled ‘Do you want to watch another movie?’

​​​‘Sure, I brought pet cemetery as well.’

​​​‘Man I haven’t watched that in years.’

​​​They put the movie on but at some point they forgot about the film when the alcohol they were consuming started to fuel them into proper conversation.

​​​‘C’mon, we both know that’s a load of bull. Vader is without a doubt a better Jedi than Luke.’

​​​‘Vader has no self control’ Lisa argued, not really believing in the point she was making but she was enjoying Gerard’s reaction too much to give in ‘he gave himself over to the dark side out of anger. It’s not just manipulation of the force that makes you a good Jedi but the ability to control yourself.’

​​​‘Again that’s bullshit. Luke totally flips his shit when he fight’s Vader in Return.’

​​​Lisa shrugged and took another sip out of her fifth can of beer. They were pounding into the alcohol now, both of them seemingly loosening up.
‘
​​​Maybe but he’s still a better Jedi. It’s my birthday so what I say goes.’

​​​Gerard shook his head in exasperation, taking a long gulp of his beer.

​​​‘If Mikey was here he’d so agree with me.’

​​​‘That’s because you’re his big brother and he sucks up to you.’

​​​‘No it’s because he was raised properly.’

​​​‘Are you trying to insinuate my parents did a bad job of raising me?’

​​​‘Insinuating? No, I’m flat out telling you they did.’

​​​She hit him on the arm in anger, falling backwards on the couch when he shoved her back unexpectedly. She moved to get back up when suddenly he was pinning her down, her wrists held together in one of his hands while his other hand tickled her ribs. She screamed and squirmed before giving into a fit of laugher. She attempted to kick him off, her efforts futile when he settled in between them. She couldn’t remember when the playful tickling turned into kissing, it had happened spontaneously and unplanned. There was no moment where they had stopped and thought about what they were doing. All she knew is that the feel of his lips on hers felt right, their bodies seemed to meld together perfectly. His lips started to trail down her neck while his hands explored under her top, clutching her breast lightly drawing a moan from her. She knew in that moment she would give him her virginity that night, certain that he felt the connection between them too. *******************************************************************
August 30th 1999

​​​The party was in full swing, the music pumping out of the stereo at an obnoxious level. It was Lisa’s twenty first and she was determined to enjoy every last minute of it. She wanted to drown her heartache and forget her sorrows for one night. She had purposely forgotten to invite Gerard to her party; the thought of him was enough to make her eyes water up let alone seeing him in person. For over twenty months they had a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, ever since the night they first slept together. The next morning had been awkward, neither of them certain of how the other felt about the situation. They had agreed to remain ‘friends’, in Gerard’s words Lisa meant ‘a lot to me’ and he didn’t want one ‘stupid mistake’ to take away from almost two years of friendship. He didn’t stay away from her though. A week later he had turned up at her apartment with a few beers and slept with her again. It was the beginning of a routine that would last through her second year of college and most of her third year. In April something had changed though. He suddenly stopped calling around, or calling her at all for that matter. He had effectively fallen off the grid. It was only through Mikey that she knew he was even alive and well. She could feel the anger well up inside of her when she thought about how stupid she was, if she had kept her stupid mouth shut Gerard would be here and her heart wouldn’t feel so empty.

​​​They were lying beside each other on her small bed, panting heavily due to their previous activity. They had drunk a few beers and smoked a joint before Gerard bedded her, and now they were trying to recover their breaths in the awkward silence.

​​​She had said the ‘L’ word in her climax, something that until now she had successfully managed to avoid him finding out. To everyone else it was obvious, Mikey had subtly tried to get her to admit she had feelings for Gerard but she had always denied it to him. He had no idea they were sleeping together, he would have completely freaked out if he knew.

​​​‘I should go’ Gerard had muttered, turning away from her getting off her bed as quickly as he had gotten her on it.

​​​‘Wait!’ panic set in, words were coming out like vomit in her attempt to salvage the situation. ‘Don’t leave, not like this.’

​​​He sighed, running a hand through his hair agitated.

​​​‘I don’t know what you want me to say Lisa.’

​​​The words hit her like a brick; the cold tone behind them was almost vicious.

​​​‘There are a lot of things you could have said. ‘I love you too’ is one, ‘sorry I don’t feel the same way about you’ is another. Or how about ‘I’m an arrogant prick who couldn’t give two fucks about you as long as I get my end’ huh?’

​​​He turned around sharply at her words, shock written all over his face as he stared at her with wide eyes.

​​​‘Lisa, that’s not-‘

​​​‘No, save it Gerard. I’ve been so fucking blind for the last year. I thought that maybe, just maybe the fact that you always came back to me meant that you cared about me. Maybe even that you loved me too on some level. It was just wishful thinking, wasn’t it? I’ve been nothing but a convenient fuck buddy to you all this time.’

​​​The tears were pouring down her cheeks, her heart crumbling into pieces. He opened his mouth, what he wanted to say she never found out.

​​​‘Get out. Just get out, and don’t come back. I’m done with this. Find someone else to be your whore. I deserve better than to be treated like shit.’

​​​His eyebrows lowered, his expression full of hurt.

​​​‘You’re right, you do deserve better.’

​​​His words were met with silence, which stretched out while he got dressed. He walked to her bedroom door before he stopped, giving her one last look.

​​​‘I didn’t mean to hurt you Lisa.’

​​​She waited until she heard her front door slam shut to break down into tears.

​​​That was in April and she had avoided him since. She made excuses not to attend parties she knew he would be at, meaning it had been a couple of months since she had last seen Mikey, Ray or Frank. They had all been invited to her party tonight though, they would know something was up if she avoided them for much longer. Plus if she was being honest she missed them all a lot, even Frank who she hadn’t seen since Christmas. She also hoped that they had told Gerard about the party just so he would know she was moving on, and that she wanted nothing to do with him.

​​​It was ten o’clock and she was already wasted. She had started with shots at half eight and had been on cocktails since nine. She was totally hammered but she felt free. Her friends were there, bar Mikey and the gang and for the first time in months she felt somewhat normal again.

​​​‘Hey birthday girl!’ she heard a male voice roar over the music, making her turn around and smile as her eyes landed on Mikey.

​​​‘Mikester! You made it!’ she ran into his arms, the alcohol in her body cancelling her sense of propriety.

​​​‘I missed you!’ he laughed as he squeezed her tightly, the force lifting her off the ground.

​​​‘Are the guys here?’ she asked excitedly when he out her down.

​​​‘Of course, Ray and Gemma are parking the car, Frank, Gerard and Vanessa are in the kitchen getting drinks.’

​​​She felt all her body heat leave her body, an instant cold sheet of sweat seemed to have replaced it. Even in her drunken state she could tell her face had gone pale.

​​​‘Vanessa?’ she asked weakly.

​​​‘Yeah, Gerard’s girlfriend. I didn’t think you’d mind.’

​​​‘No, no it’s fine’ she mumbled, trying to save face.

​​​‘Are you okay?’

​​​‘M’fine, just had a few too many shots. Think I need to slow down a bit.’

​​​‘Might be a good idea. Oh, I brought a date as well, her name’s Melissa. I think you’ll like her, come meet her.’

​​​Before she could form any response he was dragging her towards the kitchen, where her eyes immediately landed on Gerard, who had an arm slung around some girl’s waist. Lisa wanted to throw up on the spot but she forced herself to swallow her bile as Mikey brought them closer.

​​​‘Look who I found’ he shouted.

​​​Frank, Gerard and two girls all looked in Mikey’s direction.

​​​‘Lisa, this is Melissa-’ he pointed to a short blond girl who was waving shyly at her ‘and that’s ​​​​Vanessa’ he pointed at the girl by Gerard’s side, her bright smile greeting Lisa with friendliness.

​​​‘It’s so nice to meet you, Mikey’s told me a lot about you’ Vanessa spoke enthusiastically, looking Lisa directly in the eye thus giving her ample opportunity for Lisa to inspect her. She was pretty, that was for sure. Her complexion was pale but free from blemishes, her eyes a beautiful dark blue colour with perfectly lined eyeliner. Her lips were painted a ruby red colour, giving her a classic beauty look. Lisa could feel the jealousy and self loathing swimming in the pit of her stomach.

​​​‘Likewise.’

​​​She didn’t know how she managed to be civil. Her anger was so acute she was surprised it wasn’t radiating off her.

​​​‘Happy birthday Lisa’ Frank mumbled, almost shyly at her, taking a step forward and giving her a hug. It was the distraction needed to stop her from screaming at Gerard in front of everyone.

​​​When he let go of her there was a split second of silence and expectation that indicated that it was Gerard’s turn to give a birthday greeting. He looked her in the eye, his look almost apologetic.

​​​‘Happy birthday’ he pulled her into a hug, Lisa clenched her fists in an effort to restrain herself from lashing out at him physically.

​​​How dare he? How dare he ruin her party like this? He not only had the audacity to turn up uninvited but he brought his girlfriend along. Did he hate her so much that he had to rub it in her face that he couldn’t care about her feelings?

​​​She pulled away from him as soon as she could, afraid she would hurt him, or worse cry in front of him.

​​​‘Thanks for coming guys. Help yourselves to the alco-mohol. Drink sensibly. Don’t destroy anything in the house or my parents will murder me. I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a minute.’

​​​She walked away from them, heading in the direction of the toilet. It was empty when she got there, she wasted no time in barricading herself in the small room before letting the tears fall down her cheeks. She was beyond hurt and angry. She felt as though her heart had been ripped out from her chest and stomped on in front of her own eyes, the sobs that racked her body doing no justice to the pain she was feeling. She spent at least half an hour in the bathroom, only leaving when an obnoxious guest banged loudly on the door telling her to hurry up before he pissed himself. She escaped the bathroom and locked herself away in her bedroom, needing to clear her head before joining the party again. She refused to give Gerard the satisfaction of seeing her so upset over him.

​​​When she finally made it back downstairs she grabbed two shots, downing them in less than ten seconds before stealing a drink from one of her college friends. She didn’t know what was in it and she didn’t care either. She wanted fresh air, her feet stumbling as she made her way to her backyard. The yard was empty except for Frank, who was smoking calmly.

​​​‘Hey’ he gave her a wide smile, his big eyes admiring her as she leaned against the wall.

​​​‘Hey yourself. Are you enjoying the party?’

​​​‘I’d say so. How’s the birthday girl?’

​​​‘She’s okay.’

​​​‘Just okay?’

​​​‘Yup. Just okay. When are you starting college?’

​​​‘Monday. Can’t wait to get out of this dump.’

​​​‘New York isn’t much better, trust me.’

​​​He giggled.

​​​‘Maybe, but I find that hard to believe. Nowhere can be worse than Jersey.’

​​​She laughed at the look of disgust on his face.

​​​‘That’s true.’

​​​‘So, do you feel old yet?’ he teased.

​​​‘Hey, I’m not that old’ she defended herself.

​​​‘Oh please, you’re practically ancient now.’

​​​‘Fuck you midge.’

​​​‘Hey, that’s uncalled for. It’s not my fault you’re getting older.’

​​​She sighed.

​​​‘It’s well for some, still being in their teens. At least I can buy my own alcohol now’ she stuck her tongue out at him.

​​​‘That’s where getting an older girlfriend comes in handy.’

​​​‘​​Ooohh, who’s the lucky lady?’

​​​He looked thoughtful for a second, biting his lip ring for a fraction of a second.

​​​‘She doesn’t know yet. She’s an old friend. To be honest I don’t think she even notices me but one can always hope, you know?’

​​​She gave him a sympathetic look. She understood his feelings completely, having been there herself.

​​​‘Do you want my advice? Just tell her. Sometimes it’s better to just say it and find out what the other person thinks. Plus you never know, maybe she has noticed you. If not, maybe it’s just because she never saw you as a possibility. It’s worth a shot.’

​​​‘How should I tell her?’

​​​‘I don’t know. Every girl is different, I could only speak for myself.’

​​​‘How would you like it to be done?’

​​​‘Actions speak louder than words. Be romantic. I mean, sometimes a kiss says it all you know?’

​​​His gaze was intense as his eyes bore into hers, her alcohol ridden mind not realising that he was getting closer to her until he was right in front of her. It wasn’t until his lips were on hers that she realised he was kissing her. Her eyes widened in shock, her hands reaching up to clutch his shoulders. His tongue licked her bottom lip, asking for entrance. Her body responded automatically, her mouth opening up for him and her tongue meeting his. She blamed it on sexual frustration; her body was desperate for the regular sexual contact it had gotten use to with Gerard. His hands gripped her waist, his body pushing her back into the wall as the kiss became heated and intense. Their bodies were flushed against each other, hips practically grinding against each other.

​​​A moment of clarity hit her out of nowhere, making her pull away from his lips.

​​​‘Wait…shit, Frankie we can’t do this. You’re too young for me, shit you haven’t even started college yet.’

​​​‘So what? Why does age matter? It’s not like I’m underage, I’m nineteen in a few weeks. You either like me enough to give me a chance or you don’t, but don’t use age as an excuse.’ He sounded annoyed, and desperate. She saw the same look she use to give Gerard, pleading for a chance to prove that she could make him happy, to notice her. She always wished Gerard had given her that chance, could she really do the same thing to Frank.

​​​He was a nice kid…man she supposed. He made her laugh and they got along. Inspecting him now she could see just how good looking he was. He had green hazel eyes, big and round with dark eyelashes and his dark hair was long enough to grab a hold of. His smile was adorable, too adorable maybe. She would never be able to say no to it. He was on the small side but so was she so it didn’t make a difference to her.

​​​Maybe this was her chance to get over Gerard once and for all.

​​​She smiled at him.

​​​‘C’mon’ she grabbed his hand, leading him to her bedroom. She made sure to pass Gerard and the girlfriend, enjoying the confused and shocked look on his face when he saw her hand entwined with Frank’s.
***************************************************************************
August 30th 2001

​​​She gazed around the apartment, making sure everything looked right where it had been placed. She couldn’t find any fault with the layout and gave up trying to find something out of place.

​​​‘Hey babe.’ His arms wrapped around her waist from behind, his lips planting a soft kiss on her neck.

​​​‘Hey, did you finish the bedroom?’

​​​‘Yup, everything is put away. I think it’s time to christen the bed.’

​​​‘Jesus Frank, we’re here like, two second’ she giggled.

​​​‘More like two hours, which is two hours we’ve spent not having sex. We need to make up for it.’

​​​His lips began to suck on her neck, gaining a moan out of her. They were interrupted by a bang on the door.

​​​‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ Frank muttered angrily. He let go of her, ignoring her confused stare. He walked to the door, opening it to find an enthusiastic Mikey, flanked by Melissa and Gerard.

​​​‘What’s up bitches? Let us in!’

​​​Frank sighed, opening the door wider to let them in.

​​​‘Hey birthday girl!’ Mikey sang, racing towards her and pulling her into a suffocating hug.

​​​‘Dude, don’t kill her on our first night living together. That’s not cool!’ Frank laughed, letting go of his earlier annoyance.

​​​‘Fine’ Mikey huffed, letting Lisa go.

​​​‘Happy birthday honey’ Melissa gave Lisa a hug, the two of them now quite close and becoming friends in their own right.

​​​‘Thanks pet.’

​​​She looked at Gerard, knowing she would have to put on a façade and act like she wanted him to be there.

​​​‘Hey’ she greeted, pulling him into the briefest hug possible.

​​​Over the past two years Frank had helped her heal and get over Gerard. He made her happy, something she didn’t think was possible. He treated her with such love and respect it made her heart hurt from the overwhelming feeling of gratitude. He loved her when nobody else, or specifically Gerard, could. He made her feel wanted. Lisa still did her best to avoid Gerard, limiting her conversations with him in social gatherings. They seemed to have come to a mutual understanding. They would act like normal in front of the others but have no contact otherwise. It worked quite well for Lisa, although she couldn’t deny that since the raw feeling of hurt had faded that she missed his friendship. Even though he had hurt her it hadn’t been all his fault that they crossed a line they shouldn’t, or that she had fallen in love with him and he didn’t reciprocate. Now that she had Frank and he had Vanessa she wondered if she should bury the hatchet and finally get over her love for him.

​​​They sat around drinking a few beers, getting drunk as per usual on her birthday.

​​​‘I’m going for fresh air’ she giggled as Frank finished one of his funny stories from a gig he played two weeks ago. She stepped out onto the balcony, not realising someone was following behind her. She was about to close the door behind her when an object stopped the door. More specifically, a hand did.

​​​‘Sorry; she mumbled, making quick eye contact with Gerard.

​​​‘No worries’ Gerard mumbled, pulling a cigarette out of his back pocket.

​​​There were a few minutes of awkward silence.

​​​‘This is stupid’ she blurted out suddenly.

​​​Gerard looked at her confused, surprised she was speaking to him.

​​​‘What happened between us, it’s in the past now. I have Frank, and you have Vanessa. Let’s just…let’s just move on and try to be friends again. We use to be close before that night and I miss that.’

​​​Gerard studied her, his expression impossible to decipher.

​​​‘Is that what you want? To be friends?’ He asked.

​​​‘Yes.’

​​​‘I can do that.’

​​​She held out a hand for him to shake. He took it with a firm grip, before pulling her into a hug.

​​​‘I missed you too’ he whispered softly into her ear.

​​​She ignored the shiver of pleasure it sent down her spine.
***********************************************************************
August 30th 2005

​​​It had been two years since she got engaged to Frank. They had decided on a long engagement, agreeing that there was no need to rush. They were both quite young, and had plenty of time to get married. She hadn’t spoken to Gerard since that night, her anger still lingering even after two years. They were forced to be around each other and be civil due to their mutual friends but even at those occasions they avoided each other. Frank had tried to bring it up once but soon dropped it when he saw just how upset she was got when he mentioned Gerard’s name. Lisa was unsure how Frank felt about the situation, or what he thought the reason behind it was. She was certain that Frank had an idea that she had a past with Gerard but he chose to ignore it, which she was grateful for.

​​​She had gone to the bar with Mikey and Melissa to celebrate her birthday. Frank was away on tour with his band that was starting to gather a small fan base around the country. He had been gone for six weeks already and wouldn’t be back for another fortnight. It bothered her that he was gone for so long but she knew it was his dream so she encouraged him to go for it. His boss was nice enough to give him the time off, claiming that they were quiet for the next couple of months anyway. She wished she could have gone with him, or at least joined him at some point but work made it impossible for her to get any extended time off. She hadn’t taken annual leave in the four years she had worked with them, other than the occasional day or two here or there. She promised herself to get them all back whenever she went on honeymoon. The night had been a good night until Gerard showed up, with a wide smile and cologne that made Lisa’s senses go haywire. She drank in an attempt to get her anger to dissipate, along with her urges. She left early when she realised it wasn’t going to happen, her drunk feet barely managing to find their way home.

​​​She had fallen into bed thankful that her parents were gone on holidays, leaving her in charge of minding their house for the weekend. She had been dozing off comfortably, on the brink of dreaming when she heard a sharp tapping sound coming from her window. She sat up confused; her mind unable to register what was going on at first. There was another tap on her window, making her blood race in fear while different scenarios went through her mind. She squeaked when she heard the noise again. Her bed was right underneath the window so she knew whoever, or whatever was outside had heard her. Her bedroom was easily accessible from the back yard; all someone had to do was climb on top of the trash cans and jump on top of the large flat roof extension which was just outside her bedroom. It had been a blessing during summer when she wanted to sneak back into the house after a late night of drinking, or when she wanted to sneak Frank into her room. She threw the duvet off her body before cautiously sitting up and facing her window and pulling her blind up. Relief swelled inside her when she realised it wasn’t a murderous vampire but a highly drunk Gerard outside her bedroom window. She opened the window wide enough for him to unceremoniously fall in, landing on top of her on her bed.

​​​She could smell the alcohol off him, mixed with his cologne and cigarettes. She held her breath, not wishing to inhale the scent in case it tempted her. Instead she managed to latch on to her fury at him.

​​​‘Gerard, what the hell are you doing? Are you fucking crazy?’ She whispered loudly, pushing him away.

​​​‘I need to talk to you.’ He slurred.

​​​‘We have nothing to talk about Gerard.’

​​​‘Then shut up and listen!’ he snapped, scrambling back on top of her and pinning her down.

​​​She stared at him with narrowed eyes, not feeling any fear from his aggressive behaviour.
​
​​​​​She knew he wouldn’t hurt her; he was rough but never violent.

​​​‘I broke up with Vanessa.’ He explained, his hazel eyes boring into her light grey irises.

​​​She furrowed her eyebrows, confused as to where he was going with the topic.

​​​‘And?’

​​​‘I don’t love her…I never did. It’s you I want, it’s always been you. And I know you still love me too, don’t even try to fucking deny it!’

​​​‘Any love I felt for you disappeared years ago.’

​​​‘That’s a fucking lie’ he hissed.

​​​‘And how the fuck would you know?’

​​​‘I saw it. That night at your birthday party, when Frank asked you to marry him, you looked at me before you accepted. Like you wanted me to say something, do something. You wanted to know if I was still an option. You let your pride get in the way when I tried to tell you how I felt that night. I know because you wouldn’t be angry all these years later if you felt nothing for me.’

​​​‘Oh my god, I can­’t believe-‘

​​​‘I left her for you. I’ve waited around for you to change your mind, hoping you would see that you’re making a mistake. Then I realised I was stupid for clinging onto Vanessa. I wanted to make you jealous but it’s not fair on her, she deserves someone who loves her.’

​​​His hands still pinned her down although his grip had relaxed. She didn’t move, her body and mind hypnotised by him.

​​​‘I was coward all those years ago. You told me you loved me and I freaked. Not because I didn’t feel the same way but because I felt as though I had nothing to offer you. You were this…fucking angel and I wasn’t ready to give you what you deserved. So I left, thinking you would better off without me, that if I hurt you bad enough you would forget about your feelings for me. When I saw the look on your face when I brought Vanessa to your twenty first…I never felt so shit in all my life. I hated myself for that. I went to find you, tell you I made a mistake when I saw you kissing Frank. Just when I was ready to tell you how I felt you had decided to move on with someone else. I didn’t say anything because I thought it wouldn’t last. Even when you moved in together I still believed it was only a matter of time before it fell apart. I never truly believed I lost you until you told me you wanted me out of your life for good. What hurt the most was that all of what you had said was true, I had treated you like shit and I have to live with the consequences of it. I tried to do what you asked of me, I left you alone. But I can’t do it, not anymore. I can’t pretend that my heart isn’t breaking every day I spend without you. I can’t go another day without you knowing how I feel about you, how much I love you. I want to be with you, I want to be one who makes you feel special, who makes you happy. I love you and I swear I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you every day.’

​​​‘It’s too late’ she choked back a sob.

​​​‘You wouldn’t have let me in if it was.’

​​​She couldn’t deny it; in her heart she knew it was true. In spite of everything he had done to hurt her, a part of her still felt like they belonged together. She had tried to bury it underneath all the anger, in a vain hope it would fade but it never did. Even though she had Frank, whom she deeply loved, he wasn’t Gerard. He couldn’t make her heart go crazy by just being in her presence, he couldn’t make her hurt like Gerard could. She had always believed that real, true passionate love was about completely surrendering your emotions to another person, leaving yourself open and vulnerable to pleasure and pain. Frank was safe, comfortable and easy to be with. They never felt passionate enough about each other to argue over something. She never felt unbridled passion or heart wrenching pain. Frank was a good guy who pandered to her every want and need because he believed that was how love should be. He was everything any normal, sane person would want in a partner. Her mind was screaming at her, telling her not to let Gerard destroy what was a healthy, pain free relationship because he had decided he wanted to be with her. His words were meaningless after all he had put her through. Her heart was making her hesitate, beating widely in her chest as she took laboured breaths. Even after all these years it still chose Gerard.

​​​‘I don’t want to hurt Frank. He doesn’t deserve it Gerard, he’s been good to me. I can’t turn around and throw it back in his face. Not for a few meaningless words and a drunken declaration of love.’

​​​‘So you’d rather him believe a lie than tell him the truth?’

​​​‘There is no lie!’ she snapped ‘I love Frank. Unlike some people I don’t use others for my own gain!’

​​​Gerard went quiet after her vicious statement; hurt flashing across his face while he hovered above her.

​​​‘That’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re using him to protect yourself, because you’re afraid that I’ll hurt you again. He’s the safe option, he’s reliable and dependable. He deserves better than to be second best and you know it.’

​​​His words stung, the pain making tears prick her eyes in shame and guilt.

​​​‘I can make you happy Lisa, I know I can. You just need to give me the chance.’

​​​She swallowed loudly, her throat dry with repressed emotions. She was afraid if she spoke she would cry. She was too tired physically and mentally to keep her guard up against a drunk and determined Gerard who had conviction on his side. When she remained silent he slowly brought his face closer to her, closing the gap between their lips. She felt her walls crumbling the moment they kissed, losing her battle against the tears when they began to roll down the sides of her face silently. Gerard wasted no time in letting his hands wander under her tank top, softly caressing the skin. He slowly trailed a path leading up to her breast, cupping it roughly in order to gain a moan from Lisa’s mouth. His thumb rubbed her nipple as he started sucking her neck, her back arching from his ministrations. He sat up without warning, pulling his top off then forcing Lisa sit up to make a swift job of taking her tank top off. He unbuckled his belt, pushing his jeans down before guiding Lisa back to her original position. He kicked his jeans off while he hovered over her again, his hand sliding into her underwear. He brought her close to her climax, stopping just before she could find her release.

​​​She gave an offended cry, lifting her hips when Gerard began to pull her panties off. He removed his boxers and settled between her legs. He gave her a brief kiss before entering her, determined to finally show her how much he loved her.
************************************************************************
August 30th 2007

​​​Her adoring eyes were glazed with tears, guilt overwhelming her as his hazel eyes looked at her with hurt. He was crying, his arms stretched out as he tried to get out of his grandmother’s hold and into her arms again.

​​​‘Lisa he’ll be fine, don’t worry about him. Shane and Grandma are gonna have a nice night in while Mammy and Daddy have some alone time.’

​​​She bit her lip at the words, not helping to ease her guilt at the thought of leaving her son. He was almost fifteen months old, his hazel eyes and dark hair the spitting image of his father.
​​​They had never spent a night apart from him since he was born, both of them so overwhelmed by the love they felt for him. It had been his idea to leave the baby with his mother for the night so they could celebrate her birthday.

​​​‘Lisa, just go. The longer you stay the more upset he’ll get. I can handle him.’ His mother sounded agitated, annoyed at Lisa’s stalling.

​​​She could only nod, fleeing the house before his mother could admonish her over the tears that began to run down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away, letting out a deep breath and starting the car. She started the drive back to her home, located close to her parents and his mother. When they discovered she was pregnant they had made the decision to move back to New Jersey, the desire to be near their families outweighing the heartbreak of leaving New York. She hated to admit that she missed the city but life had thrown other priorities in her path and choices had to be made.

​​​Her mind drifted back to that night two years ago, the catalyst that had started the events that lead to her becoming a mother. She spent the following two weeks agonising over whom to choose, Gerard or Frank. She had asked Gerard to give her space which he had respected with great reluctance. When Frank had come back from tour he knew immediately something had happened, her self-loathing increased to a level she never thought was possible. When she broke down and told him what had happened he couldn’t speak, leaving their apartment to get away from her. He disappeared for two nights, and to this day she had no idea where he had gone to. When he eventually returned he told her the engagement was off but that he wanted to work on their relationship. He felt that with enough time he could forgive her. His absence had been what was necessary for her to see her situation with clarity. The thought of losing him forever helped her discover where her heart truly belonged, and when she discovered she was pregnant a month later it felt as though it was a sign that she had made the right choice.

​​​She pulled up into the driveway of their three bedroom house, killing the engine with a heavy heart. Her hand twitched, urging her to start the car again and get Shane. She knew he would be fine but her maternal instincts were over riding her logic. She eventually got out of the car, her keys jingling noisily in her hand as her fingers searched for the house key. She located it just as she stepped in front of the door, the scent of food cooking immediately hitting her nostrils when it opened. Her stomach growled while a smile broke out on her voice.

​​​‘Hey, I’m back’ she called out, shutting the door behind her.

​​​‘Don’t move’ his voice rang out from the dining room, almost sounding panicked.

​​​She couldn’t help but giggle, the image of him in a fluster popping into her head. He came out a minute later, dressed casually in jeans and a well worn t-shirt. He seemed relaxed as he smiled at her.

​​​‘I thought we were going out?’ she questioned, loving how his hazel eyes twinkled with pride.

​​​‘I decided a quiet night in would be better.’

​​​‘Please tell me you didn’t burn the kitchen down?’

​​​‘Just the breakfast bar. I put the fire out quickly. Now close your eyes!'

​​​She complied immediately, her smile never faltering. He began to slowly lead her into the dining room, his excitement infectious.

​​​‘Okay, open them!’
Her eyes took in the sight of the living room, her heart melting at the effort he had put in. The table was decorated with rose petals, with a single rose in a vase as the centre piece. There was music playing, enhancing the soft lighting of the room and finishing off the romantic setting.

​​​‘Wow’ was all she could say, her lips seeking his to compensate for her lack of words.

​​​‘You approve?’

​​​‘Definitely. This is far better than an overcrowded restaurant.’

​​​‘Go sit down, I’ll bring the food in.’

​​​She obeyed his command, making herself comfortable at the table as the sound of him rushing around the kitchen interrupting the soft humming of the stereo. She took in the photos that decorated the room, a mix of pictures of Shane during his first year and photos that her mother had taken at Shane’s birthday party. It had been a great day for everyone who came, although one person’s absence had reminded her of the friend she had lost. He had left New York and broke off contact with everyone bar Mikey. Last she had heard of him he had met someone and was happy in love somewhere in California. She sometimes wondered if she should get in touch to see how he was but her cowardice got the better of her.

​​​‘Dinner is served’ he put the plate in front of her, distracting her from her thoughts.

​​​‘This looks wonderful’ she commented, enjoying the wide smile it brought out on his face.

​​​‘Thank you. Let’s hope it tastes as good as it looks.’

​​​She giggled before digging in, her stomach begging to be fed. She was so fussy with food that she had refused to let him cook, something she regretted now as she tucked into the meal.

​​​‘I never knew you could cook. You’re definitely taking over kitchen duties from now on.’

​​​‘This is the only thing I know how to cook I’m afraid.’

​​​‘Liar.’

​​​He laughed, giving her a mischievous look. When they finally finished he took her plate, telling her to wait for dessert. They ate the strawberries and ice cream in comfortable silence, enjoying the lack of a loud screaming child while they could.

​​​‘Dance with me?’ he asked when he had cleared the bowls away, offering his hand to help her stand up.

​​​‘I’d love to.’

​​​They slow danced to the music, her head resting on his shoulder and one arm around his shoulders. He wrapped an arm around her waist and held her free hand in his. No words were spoken until he broke the silence.

​​​‘I love you Lisa’ he whispered in her ear.

​​​‘I love you too Gerard’ she replied.

​​​‘The past two years have been the happiest of my life. I never knew I could ever feel this way, you and Shane…the two of you are everything to me. I can never thank you enough for bringing him into the world, and for loving me even when I gave you every reason to hate me. You gave me a second chance and a reason to live. You gave me a family. I only have one more thing to ask of you.’

​​​They had stopped moving by this point, his gaze heated and full of certainty as he bent down on one knee in front of her.

​​​‘Lisa, you mean the world to me. We’re a family in every one but one. Will you marry me?’

​​​She smiled, no hesitation clouding her mind as she held his gaze.

​​​‘Yes, of course it’s yes.’

​​​He stood up sharply, pulling a ring out of his pocket. It was a silver solitaire ring, the diamond glistened under the light of the room. He slid it on, the ring fitting perfectly. He sealed the action with a kiss.

​​​‘You’re the best thing that ever happened to me’ his words were passionate and genuine, his smile unfaltering as he cupped her cheeks.

​​​‘Do you realise it’s exactly twelve years ago that we met?’

​​​He nodded. ‘I never forget the first time I saw you. I opened my front door expecting to see some silly teenage girl and instead I met you. If you told me then we’d be here twelve years later there’s no way I would’ve believed I would be so lucky.’

​​​‘It’s hard to believe sometimes alright.’

​​​He gave her another light kiss, before pulling her closer and leaning to whisper in her ear.

​​​‘Happy birthday Lisa.’