Tainted Love

My toilet wasn’t the most comfortable seat in my house. But it was where I was currently seated, awaiting the results of the little white stick sitting on my counter. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see the answer. I was going out tonight, I was supposed to be having fun, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to enjoy it knowing the answer to this.

Tonight was the concert, Shane had taken my little Ryder to his sister’s house, and I knew she’d take good care of him. She might even try to steal him, but I wouldn’t let that happen. I should be getting ready, not sitting here wondering over how my future would be. I had a choice to make, take a look at that test, and have a chance at not enjoying my night, or ignoring it till tomorrow.

I was probably a bad person by choosing the latter, but I didn’t care, I threw the pee stick back in the box and threw it all underneath my sink. I ran into my room, and picked out an outfit for tomorrow, before going back into my bathroom, and doing a quick grunge inspired makeup look. I didn’t want to look flashy anymore; I didn’t want big hair at this concert, short shorts, or anything like that. I didn’t want anything like what happened last time. I wanted to stay under the radar at this concert, I wasn’t going to go anywhere alone, I wasn’t going to let Shane out of my sight, and I’d hold my pee until after the concert, when I could make it to a gas station.

I made sure that every window in my apartment was locked, and that it wasn’t too much of a mess. I was going to be exhausted when I came home tomorrow; I wasn’t going to want to clean. I checked my watch, and still had about ten minutes left before Shane got here. I ran into my kitchen, finding my hip flask, and poured vodka into it, making sure not to over fill it. I grabbed a bottle of Pepsi out of my cabinet, before throwing it all into my purse, grabbing my backpack, and running downstairs.

I was able to light a cigarette, and sit down on the bench to get comfortable. I had plenty of time before Shane got here, plenty of time to think about what was going to happen tonight, and what may come in the future. I sighed and pulled my hair into a low side pony, holding the cigarette in my mouth, before doing a quick fish tail braid. I looked down at my leggings, they went all the way down into my combat boots, so there was no skin on my legs showing, and my torn up Atreyu shirt pretty much covered everything. I still had to dress like a concert goer, just not so flashy that someone would think to look at me.

I knew I couldn’t smoke if that test had come out positive. I shouldn’t even be going to a concert tonight, or holding a full flask. I would stop all of it if I were pregnant; I would be a good mother. I’d never do anything to harm a precious life. I didn’t care if that life’s father had been a rapist, that was still a little part of me, and I would never do anything to harm it. Quitting smoking would be hard though, I started when I was in my early teens yet, it wasn’t the best decision I ever made with my life, but some of Shane’s other friends did it, and I just started with them. That was when I was still trying to prove myself, but now, it had become an addiction. I rubbed a hand over my stomach; I knew I had put on a few pounds, nothing major; I hadn’t worked out a lot since the rape. I had eaten a lot of ice cream the first few days, so I’m blaming this on the ice cream. I pulled out some strands of hair around my face, just something to make my fishtail braid look a little messier.

Shane wasn’t here yet, and he was a few moments late, but knowing him, he was getting more alcohol. We had decided to get a hotel room tonight, since he didn’t want to drive five hours home after a long concert. I didn’t blame him, I wouldn’t want to drive home either, but luckily, like usual, we were taking his car. My poor little baby probably wouldn’t make it that far. If I was pregnant, I had to invest in a new car. I bought mine at 16, and only spent fifteen hundred on it; it had over 300,000 miles on it, and was on its last leg. I’d definitely need a mom-mobile. Something a little more reliable, because my car only started when it wanted to, I’d have to figure that out as soon as I took another test. The one underneath my sink was probably no good after I put it back in the box, and threw it under my sink. I took another deep drag off of my cigarette, and then looked down the road, still no sign of that little black Nissan.

I found myself thinking of baby names, which was weird, I didn’t even know if I was pregnant yet, but it wasn’t a bad thought. I could always use them in the future, so this wasn’t too bad of a thought. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a boy, or a girl, so I had to think of names for both. I wanted something uncommon, something a little different. My name wasn’t the most common in the world, so why should my child’s name be common?

I guess I had drifted off into thought, because an all too familiar honk brought me out of my mind, and I grinned, as the little black car pulled into the parking lot. I hopped up, grabbed my backpack and purse, before walking to the car door, and throwing myself into the seat.

“Ready for this?” I nodded, and threw my backpack into the back seat, noticing the paper bag, obviously showing that I was right, he had found someone to go to the liquor store for him. I turned the radio up, put my seat belt on, and laughed as Shane tore out of the parking lot, tires squealing. Tonight would be a good night, no matter what.