Silent Screams

It was one of those days where I had to go out, just to walk on the streets while listening to the music so I could clear my mind. I had been starring at my reflection on the mirror for the past half hour and nothing seemed nice on me. My body was so slim that the tight blue jeans I was wearing made my feet seem like straws or even worse toothpicks, and the red blouse with the long sleeves was too big for me, making my body seem strange. Not to mention that the blouse was like a dress on me since it covered my butt.

I was so slim that when I stood naked, I could see the bones… my bones. I was just like my sister, the same body type. The skin was barely there and the bones were almost sticking out.

Feeling the anger building up inside me, I turn towards the door of my room and walk out. I take out my mobile phone from my jean’s pocket and I check through the playlists, letting Emeli Sande’s voice come through it. I plunged the headphones in as I walked out of the house. Grabbing my keys from the other pocket, I locked the door before I left.

It was still cold even thought it was March and the city was filled with people walking towards their houses after a tiring day at work or to the cafeterias. Young people and children were at the park near my house. The children played and my classmates were passing the joints from hand to hand. They waved for me to go to them but I just waved back and then turned to walk towards the church. The only reason I entered inside, was to walk straight ahead without having to walk around the church, making a half circle.

I shouldn’t have gone inside even if it was to get away from my classmates and the bittersweet joint they’d pass at me. The church brought back the memories of my older sister. I’d never thought she would die like this. Our parents used to say she was crazy and that I should stay away from her but I loved her more than anything in my life and I spend every minute I could with her.

It was afternoon when I went to her house with our mother. My sister had given me keys to her apartment so when she didn’t open up, I unlocked the door with those. I’d never thought that what was waiting for me inside was her lifeless body. She was sleeping like an angel without a pulse on the bathroom’s floor. I stood there like a statue, watching her naked body. Her blonde hair looked almost colorless in my eyes but the blood was there, on her lips.

I knew our mother was screaming, while she touched my sister’s face as she cried, but her screams couldn’t reach my ears. The shock was too much for the fourteen year old me. Just like that Rosaline had died, leaving me behind.

Now I know why I was anorexic and bulimic. I missed my sister so much that I wanted to be her. That way I could feel her by my side. And yesterday, I had that strange dream, which was not a dream at all. It felt so real that when I woke up I thought I had just seen my sister’s suicide. She was screaming inside her soul for me to save her, yet I wasn’t there to hear her silent screams, or was I?

I wasn’t, but I'd meet her again soon.