You Don't Have to Stay Forever.

Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth –honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, confessing if you were the one who broke the expensive statue at your grandma’s home, whatever. But what some people don’t understand is that lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves and the ones we love the most because the truth, the truth hurts.

It starts with a flash of light, one like a streetlight. So bright and blinding, then, the light is not only flashing but it’s pounding too. Pounding everywhere: head, chest, stomach, and every muscle, when it becomes unbearable, Anna wakes up.

She wakes up to nurse her hangover and finds herself alone in the bedroom, the person she is afraid to find is not there. He probably was out of the house. The blonde girl got out of bed and made her way to the kitchen downstairs, only to find that Tom was back from the rehearsals.

“You’re alive,” his voice rings into Anna’s ears. It’s loud and there; Anna’s head spins, and she moans in pain. He speaks again, “Cuppa next to you, it might help your head.”

“Ta,” Anna mumbles, reaching for the brew with one hand and rubbing a migraine out of her eye with the other.

“Had to make sure you didn’t drown yourself in vomit last night, you know?” Tom continues, leaning against the counter; and Anna is too disoriented to notice how incredibly handsome he actually looks. “You were pissed.”

“Why am I wearing jimjams?”Anna slurs, still trying to come back into consciousness, taking desperate sips from her steaming tea.

“Couldn’t leave you in those stinky clothes you were wearing.” He busies himself with filling a kettle with water and setting it into the stove to boil, occasionally stealing glances at Anna for her health’s sake.

“You shouldn’t be around me,” Anna chooses her words carefully, finishing off the tea and shifting her half-lidded eyes over to Tom, who is focused intently on the kettle, but Anna can still catch glimpses of his face, and bloody hell he looks terrible. His lack of sleep shows on his face with its sunken eyes and pale cheeks; even his hair, usually styled, is tangled severely.

“Oh?” Tom’s lips twitched, bottom lip curling slightly. “Is that why you called yourself a disease last night?”

“What?” Anna doesn’t remember.

“Yeah,” Tom nods, continuing. “You called yourself a disease, a useless whore. Bloody hell Anna, don’t you remember anything?”

She narrowed her eyes, racking her brain for any valuable information she can find. But the only things in her mind are useless facts and nightmares about a young toddler giggling while running through a field. Finally, unable to recall anything, she shakes her head dismally and pathetically.

Tom stops talking, considering her with his scrutinizing eyes of blue skies. Whether Anna’s loss of memory is luck or an omen, he reveals nothing; instead he attends the kettle, pouring the boiling water into two mugs for tea, one for him, one for Anna. It’s a routine, he can’t let go of.

Once Anna has her tea and it’s guzzling it down, she catches Tom’s eyes. It’s a look of pain, and Anna is left wondering what she did to him. Finally setting her cup down, she sighs. “I told you about my pregnancy last night, didn’t I?”

He nods, lips pursed.

She nods.

The room goes silent. It’s the closest either of them is getting to an apology from Anna, but he doesn’t find it satisfying enough.

When the tension becomes enough to be sliced by a knife, Tom clears his throat, “How can you not remember anything?”

Anna shrugs. “I was drunk.”

“I know. I’m the one who dragged your arse upstairs and into bed.”

“Could’ve left me,” Anna reminds him.

Tom surprises her; he nods his head. “That would’ve been the wise thing to do.” With that said, Anna slumps a little, defeated. “I can’t do it now though, I’m too far in.”

“What do you mean?” Anna scrunches her face up in confusion, head still buzzing as Tom’s eyes try to lure secrets from her. He studies her carefully, dying to get inside that pretty little head of hers. It’s probably filled to the brim with poison and ashes from burnt bridges.

“I shouldn’t have asked you to move in so quickly, you weren’t ready.” Tom mumbles, partly to himself and partly to her. “You don’t trust me.”

“But I will trust you completely in the future.”

“And that’s why it’s a problem!” he snaps. “You keep pushing me away, you think that you were alone in this, but I am too. And I’m probably more scared than you are.”

“But I promise to change.” Anna is now standing an inch away from Tom, she leans into him and wraps her arms around his torso, enjoying the warmth radiating from hid body. “I promise.” Tom wants to believe her, but something deep down tells him not to, that this nightmare isn’t over and that the blonde beauty is going to hurt him again.

But he also thinks about their child, and in that moment he feels a warm feeling take over the anger he felt towards Anna. Whether he likes it or not, she is carrying his child, and they have to talk about it.

“Can you tell me why I am the last person to know?” He figured out last night that Anna told someone else before him.

“I was scared of what you might do.”

“Did you think I was going to leave?” He snaps, making the blonde girl look up to him and shake her head.

“You’re not that kind of chap, believe me I know.” Anna had to take a deep breath before continuing, the last thing she wanted was to hurt him even more, so she chose her words carefully. “You know I love you, believe me, but I was scared that you might want to marry me as soon as possible after knowing about my pregnancy.” She whispered the last part, noticing the hurt in her lover’s eyes.

“So what were you going to do about it? Didn’t you think I would notice at some point?” He tried to sound cheerful, like he was making a very obvious joke, but he actually sounded bitter and hurt. Anna looked away, and it was then when Tom lost it. “You were going to get rid of him.” He hissed, walking away from the blonde model trailing behind him.

“I wasn’t going to do it,” she tried to lie, but he wasn’t going to fall for that again.

Tom locked himself in the bathroom, it was the closest room around and he could feel the boiling tears escaping from his eyes. He was out of breath, so he had to sit down on the ground, his back to the locked door and Anna on the other side.

“Tom? Tom, are you going to pass out?”

“I’m alright,” Tom’s visions, haunting memories, are interrupted and he is glad.

“Please don’t weep anymore.” Anna’s voice is soft and worried.

The door swung open and reveals a very awful looking Tom.

“Groceries,” Tom murmurs, a blatant lie. “Need some.”

Anna nods. She doesn’t look fully convinced, but Tom is not trying to convince her of anything anymore. He brushes her concerned looks off, focusing on the tiny bump in his lover’s stomach, staring at it as though it is going to tell him what to do.

“You look terrible,” Tom tells his girlfriend.

“So do you,” she retaliates.

“You, should lay back down,” he advices, taking back the mug from her hand and walking back into the kitchen. “We’ll talk later.”

“Only if you lay down, as well,” Anna says, stubbornly. Her tired eyes are brighter, more obvious; glowing with what little light makes it through the curtained windows.

He eyes her, suspiciously, but he is forced to nod. “Let’s go.”

Anna nods and they both go to their room. As they lay down facing each other, Tom watches Anna with an attentive look, studying as though she’s a fragile little thing. He shakes his head.

“A pitiful, desperate thing... that’s me.” Anna whispers, before closing her eyes to avoid Tom’s gaze.

“Anna.”

“Yes.”

“Do sleep.”

Anna nods and closes her eyes again. She wishes she could cut the lines and throw them out to the sea, it’s just, that she’s got a lousy arm. Besides, Tom is going to forgive her soon, and he will agree to get the abortion done, everything was going to be fine, right?

-

“You look bothered, Anna.” Jourdann looks up from her magazine. The two models are on the couch of Jourdann’s flat, reading magazines, while Buddy Holly echoed through the speakers.

Anna looks up with glassy eyes, still distracted over Tom’s answer. Just the day before he had agreed to end her pregnancy, he said it so calm that it got the model worried. Would she lose him after it was done? After their child was no longer in her womb, would he want her again? “Just thinking,” she mutters, staring down at her tiny bump.

“Is it about the abortion?” Jourdann asks, all too knowingly.

Anna nods.

Jourdann is silent, pondering what to say, how to approach this. Finally, “Do you love Tom?”

“What?” Anna’s neck nearly breaks when her head flings up to stare at her partner. “Of course!”

“Then... Why?” Jourdann’s large eyes are pleading for an explanation, begging to be let into Anna’s mind, the mind she so desperately wages war against.

Anna shrugs. “It’s not that hard to understand. Tom, I love him and this child, I don’t even want it.” Anna trails off, eyes clouded over with a misty emotion that is more than love or confusion.

“You’re having nightmares about the toddler.” Jourdann says, softly.

Anna nods.

“What’s wrong, Anna?” When the blonde girl says nothing, Jourdann sighs. “Come on, you’ve got to face it soon. It won’t go away for a reason, if you have this abortion; it will keep coming up, like the sun.”

Anna nods, bottom lip trembling, but face stony. “I had a dream about him today.”

“Another nightmare?” Jourdann’s voice is sympathetic

“No.” Anna shakes her head quickly. “No. Just a dream, I was holding him in my arms.”

“I think that means you will do a marvellous job as a mother.” Jourdann agrees, quietly.

Anna glances up to catch her friend’s eyes, to look into that mind through the only gateway available, that pool of shimmering and glimmering brown. And she knows that Jourdann is thinking the same thing as her.

-

“Tom, wake up.”

“Mmrmph...”

“Tawwwwwwm”

“Wha’”

“Hey, hey, Tommy!”

Anna’s voice raspy on rock ‘n roll screams into Tom’s ear, forcing the snoring actor to awaken with a jolt, leaping up from the bed and colliding heads with the blonde model.

“Shit, Tom!” Anna hisses, biting down her own bottom lip and squeezing her eyes tight with agony from the collision.

“I’m so terribly sorry,” Tom groans, rubbing his head as well. It’s way too damn early for his girlfriend to be awake. “What are you doing?”

“Waking you up!” Anna says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Tom glowers at her. Anna, who is too perky in the morning with the bright sun shining through the open window and lighting up her features, smile beaming and eyes gleaming like the young girl she is, like a child whose eyes have opened into the innocence of the world. Innocent little child... like the one she was carrying on her womb.

One day, Tom thinks, One day I will regret agreeing to the abortion.

“So what do you want with me? We’re not supposed to be at the hospital for another four hours.” Tom grumbles, shifting around on the bed into a somewhat sitting position. He can feel his curly hair flying up in several directions, springing up like broken guitar strings.

Tom yawns and rubs his eyes before they adjust completely to the light in the room. The sun is already up in the blue sky, Tom glances around the room, taking in the beauty of it all and Anna is in the middle of the panorama, watching Tom like an idol, her smile beaming and eyes gleaming.

“We don’t have to go to the hospital today,” she whispered, trying to hold back the beaming smile to watch his reaction. Anna was expecting for him to understand the meaning behind her words, but he didn’t.

“So when do we have to go?” Tom got out of bed and changed his clothes, he had a rehearsal to attend in an hour.

“I didn’t move the appointment, I cancelled it.”

It took him a moment to register those words on his brain. Tom spun around to stare at Anna, who was biting her bottom lip. He let out a huge sigh, feeling way more relaxed, and the world he had been carrying upon his shoulders was no longer there.

Tom had to sit down for a moment, he couldn’t believe it was finally over. But this didn’t fix the damage caused by Anna’s lies, now he was sure that his girlfriend didn’t trust him and no matter how many times she promised to change.

Anna never fulfils her promises, just cuts her own line and throws it out to sea, and Tom no longer trusts her.

“We’re having a baby.” Anna says, still not quite believing how it all happened. She is expecting Tom to kiss her lovingly and start making plans.

“Alright,” he responds, with a small smile instead of the beaming toothy grin the blonde girl is waiting for.

Tom left the room without another word, leaving Anna confused and a bit down. She was now the one with all the doubts and questions waiting to be asked. When Anna decided to keep the child she thought that it all would be back to normal, they both would be happy again, but what she didn’t know was that Tom wasn’t happy, he wouldn’t be happy in a while because he had so many doubts about her now.

He wanted time to be by himself, because no matter how hard he tried to ignore or deny it, Tom didn’t want to be anywhere near Anna, whether she apologized or not, she had lied to him. And once he found out the truth of why she lied, it hurt him, because that’s the truth about the truth: it hurts.