You Don't Have to Stay Forever.

Hospitals are dull, monotonous and dreary. They’re depressing, downright dreary and terribly boring. Anna hates them, and she hasn’t set foot on one ever since her grandfather died. She feels alone, even among the chatty ladies with their big stomachs showing off proudly. She is still thinking about ending her eight week pregnancy; some things must end, so other things can begin. It’s not fair, but it’s life.

Anna just isn’t sure, if she’s ready to let go.

Instead, she tries to distract herself from the future mothers around her, who are positively glowing. But she is not free from the vision of a blonde toddler giggling around her imagination when she closes her eyes; she must be in hell.

Anna plucks a book from her bag, opening it to keep her mind busy. However, the chapter she was reading of Leo Tolstoy’s: Anna Karenina is the one where Dolly is asking Karenin to forgive his wife.

On the page, there’s a bit that caught the blonde model’s eye: “Forgive I cannot, and do not wish to, and I regard it as wrong I have done everything for this woman, and she has trodden it all in the mud to which she is akin. I am not a spiteful man, I have never hated anyone, but I hate her with my whole soul, and I cannot even forgive her, because I hate her too much for all the wrong she has done to me!”

This makes her throat go thick, as Tom’s face comes into her mind. Anna believes that if Tom doesn’t know she is pregnant they will remain strong, but deep down she knows that eventually he will find out. She can’t make this decision on her own, for the child growing in her womb is not only hers but his as well.

“Miss Smith, Dr Donovan is ready for you.” The nurse’s tender voice makes the model snap her head to see her. She had used a false last name, so she would be low-key about this delicate situation. Anna was frozen on her seat, pondering whether she would just walk in the doctor’s office or walk away.

The girl rose and walked towards the doctor’s office, breathing heavily and feeling her knees tremble.

“Anna?” a familiar voice from the other side of the hall called, it was a soft voice, a voice Anna had missed for the past month.

“Karlie,” the two friends looked at each other, neither of them sure of how to approach after their argument a month ago in Anna’s old flat. Karlie looked ill, she probably had a cold, but when she saw the warmth on her friend’s eyes, she beamed before approaching and embracing her in a tight hug. “Do you want to have lunch?” Anna said, walking towards the entrance, her back to the doctor’s office.

Life in the city is fast-paced. Everyone moves faster, thinks faster and feels faster. They live life in the fast lane and the two models walk in the nearest café, as if there’s not enough time to look for a bistro or a restaurant, they fear that if they don’t go inside a secluded place, then they’ll forget about each other. But as they find a table in the corner, they take off their scarfs at the same time and sit down.

Anna then decides to slow down, stare at her friend and give her a warm smile.

“Annie, I’m sorry,” Karlie starts, after so many talks with Georgia and Jourdann about how happy her friend was with Tom, she thought that maybe she overreacted. “I should have been supportive and understanding.”

“Let’s leave that behind, I will never look back on that, neither should you.” Karlie grins and her eyes are watery, it is good to know that their friendship wasn’t damaged in any way.

Anna wanted to tell her friend everything, she knew that Karlie would be impartial and would give her good advice, but how was she supposed to tell her?

“I will have a scrumptious cheese and veggies on toast,” Karlie said to the waitress.

“I’ll have the same.”

“You’re having a veggie dish instead than a burger or a sandwich, something’s different!” Karlie pointed out, and she was right, since she had been living with Tom, she was eating healthy, no more McDonald’s in her life.

“That’s not the only thing that’s different,” the blonde model mumbled, but her friend heard and asked what she meant by that. Karlie was puzzled, when it came to Anna Asher, there were always so many secrets, but she wasn’t the type of girl who searched for a second thought or an opinion in order to make a decision. “I’m, pregnant.” Just after those two words left her lips, Anna felt something, it wasn’t fear, and it wasn’t joy or acceptance either.

Karlie sat there, mouth agape and eyes wide, she was actually expecting big news from her friend. But she thought that maybe Tom proposed and they were soon to be married, but to hear this, was shocking. She had never thought about her friend becoming a mother, she was a foolish, wild girl.

“Shut that gob!” Anna scolded her friend, their food arrived and the blonde model took a big bite from her toast.

“Congratulations!” said Karlie still in awe.

“Don’t.” And then Karlie saw it, in her friend’s green eyes was fear, along with confusion dancing in a pool of lost thoughts. Even though Karlie wasn’t fond of Tom, she knew that he could never hesitate on this, in fact he would be thrilled and optimistic as ever. “He doesn’t know yet.” Anna said, taking another bite from her lunch, savouring it as she saw her friend’s scowl.

“He is the father, shouldn’t he know before your friend, who you just forgave?” The two girls stared at each other before chuckling and finishing their lunch. Anna knew her friend was right, but she didn’t know Tom like she did.

Tom, who would get excited and would sweep her off her feet after she told him, and then he would buy a bigger house, Anna was also sure that he would stop by the jewellery to buy a ring, and he would do something cheesy before proposing her.

Anna wanted to get married; she would be lying if she said she didn’t.

Karlie sighs, a noise which awakens Anna Asher from her thoughts.

She grins over at Karlie, “I’ll be fine.”

“For the first time, I’m not worried about you,” she admits.

“How so?” As always, Anna looks amused.

“Tom would never keep this information from you!” Karlie holds her friend’s house and gives it a gentle squeeze. “He loves you.”

So many things flood into Anna’s mind by the mention of love.

Love is worth being happy and sad, it is worth it all. It is worth finding your way when all is lost. It is light in the day, the way out of unhappiness. Happiness can be found in the midst of wanderlust and being lost, Anna is sure of it.

But, will their love be enough, to keep them together? Anna is unpredictable and bonkers, but she is sure that if this child is born, her love and Tom’s will be perfect. And Anna knows that perfect things don’t exist.

“It’s not enough.” The blonde model whisper before her eyes met Karlie’s, her friend smiles brightly and tries to talk some sense into her mind. “I will tell him, that I’m pregnant and that I’m not going to have it.” Karlie wishes she has the right words, but even if she did, this wasn’t the right time. When the right time came, Anna would change her mind, Karlie knew it, and her mother always said that what only mattered was the right time.

So Karlie bids her friend goodbye in the busy streets of London, wondering if the right time would come soon.

Anna walks through the bustling city life and into a world of her own. The downtown life, the busy rush hour flits past her without incessantly; but she doesn’t see it. She is wrapped up in London and all of its glories and hopes and dreams, with her eyes glued to the ground wondering if she could go back in time.

Back to those days where she was at her grandmother’s cake shop at Cale Street in Chelsea. Anna would spend most of her childhood in that shop, since her mother would be busy working and taking care of her older sisters. Her grandmother was a hard working woman, who would do anything to achieve her dreams, and Anna respected her for that.

Without knowing it, she soon found herself in front of her mother’s cake shop, it was of course much different from it was when she was eight, it was also now a sugar craft business and the tea room that was once above no longer existed. Her grandmother’s shop was now enlarged and also very popular among celebrities although it sold affordable cakes as well.

“Am I in heaven?!” the red haired woman walking out of the shop exclaimed. “Is this an angel, or my granddaughter?” Anna couldn’t quite recall the last time she saw her grandmother, she had been so busy lately, and it was probably a few months ago.

“Always overreacting,” the young model joked.

“Anna, the last time I saw you was two years ago,” her grandmother’s blue eyes were full of sorrow.

Anna was shocked, had it been really that long?

“I still love you though,” the old woman laughed and hugged the blonde girl, it was a surprise and she wondered why the young girl looked so puzzled standing outside of her shop. “Are you busy?” Anna said, her voice was soft and childlike, her grandmother said that she could take the day off and asked where she wanted to go. “I want to go home.”

Of course her grandmother wouldn’t take her to Tom’s house. She would take her to her house in Wimpole Street, where the girl had so many memories.

“Grandma, I’m living with a guy.” Anna looked up at her grandmother, she wasn’t shocked or surprised, “you already knew.”

“Darling, you often forget that your mother, talks too much.” Jane Asher was always respectful of her daughters’, son’s and grandchildren’s decisions. “Don’t worry; she also mentioned that he is a perfect gentleman and a fittie chap.” Anna blushed.

“Mom should keep her gob shut.”

“Maybe you should stop hiding yourself from the world.” Jane said, making Anna smile, it truly amazed her how much her grandmother and her older sister were alike. “What’s wrong?” she said, knowingly.

It was impossible to hide anything from her grandmother, Ann knew it. But this was not an easy topic, she couldn’t just blurt it out like she did a few hours ago to Karlie, although her grandmother was an understanding woman, who respected her as a person, Anna was sure that she would have her head on a stick if she said that she was pregnant.

“Bloody hell,” the red haired woman said, placing her mug down in the table and walking closer to her granddaughter, she grabbed her face gently yet firmly and bored her cornflower blue eyes into her green ones. “You’re pregnant.” As the words left her lips, tears welled up in those eyes that had seen the young girl grow up.

“What should I do?” Anna said, trying not to sob but failing and embracing her grandmother, she is not the type of girl who weeps, but this was too much.

She was mad at herself for not being able to tell Tom, for thinking about getting rid of their child without him knowing and also for being so selfish, because it didn’t matter to her what he had to say, she wasn’t going to have the baby, no matter if she had to see the blonde toddler running around her mind every time her eyes closed.

“You should stop weeping, now!” Jane grabbed her granddaughter by the shoulders and sat her down in the chair, the blonde’s eyes were red and puffy, the tears were still streaming down her delicate cheeks, but even though it was a heart breaking image, Jane was voice was firm when she spoke. “This isn’t the end of the world, what are you afraid of?”

“He will want to get married! And our love is so imperfect, I want to keep it imperfect, so we don’t have to leave each other ever again.” Anna spoke her fears while sobbing, “Please grandma, and help me.”

“This is your fear speaking, Anna, if he wants to get married, tell him to wait.”

“What if he doesn’t want to?” Jane sighed and caressed her grandchild’s face. “I want to give him everything he wants.”

“Has he asked for anything at all?” Anna was puzzled, of course he hasn’t she told her grandma. “Then all he wants is to be with you.”

“Will he still love me, when I’m no longer thin and lovely?” Anna said, lowering her head in shame. Of course he would, that foolish Tom would love her even if she grew an extra head.

“Hold your head up, you silly girl. Look at this,” her grandmother’s hand travelled down to her still flat stomach and a smile tugged at her lips, the wrinkles showing at the corners of her eyes as the woman caressed her belly. “Do you think he could forgive you, if you took this away from him?”

Anna shook her head, no, he wouldn’t. But most importantly, she wouldn’t even dare to look at him in eye if she did.

“I’m so scared though,” the blonde girl whispered, “I don’t want to reach our perfect day.”

Jane couldn’t believe what the girl had just said, it was amazing, that after all this time, and she still remembered those words.

“It’s different.” Jane stated her grandchild’s green eyes then bored into hers.

“Is it?” the girl asked, bitterness in her voice. “You taught me, that perfect things don’t exist, not even when you’re in love.”

“I was wrong.” The older woman, had now to mend her mistakes. Years ago she taught little Anna that you are not meant to marry the love of your life, that it would be terrible, a ghastly thing to do. “You can be perfect, together.”

“Now I’m completely lost.” Anna confessed, earning a chuckle from her grandmother who was now kneeling before her.

“You’re never completely lost,” Jane says to Anna. They are both too deep in thought to notice it, to feel it. Their thoughts are too fast to slow down and bask in sunlight.

“But now I can’t find my way.”

“There’s always a way,” she explains. Her grandmother’s tone is the same as it always is: soft and thoughtful, melodic and comforting. “Even the wrong way can be the right way if it gets you on track.”

“Sounds barmy.” Anna rolls her eyes.

“Who are we, as humans, to say interpretation is right or wrong? Who are we to plot out another man’s life?”

“No one.”

“Exactly!” Jane sits up. For once, Anna is more confused than ever, confused past the point of no return. Maybe that’s what life is about, not knowing that you are doing but doing it anyways. Or maybe it’s all fundamentals and no conception. “It is alright to be scared, Tom won’t judge you. We are all just human, in the end.”

“What if he doesn’t understand?” Anna hates when her grandmother beats around the bush. “I will become a mother and then I’ll be lost.”

“Basically, Anna, you are never lost, because as long as you are happy with where your life is going, then you are never lost.”

“And if I’m unhappy with it?”

“Then look for a reason to be happy. There’s always a silver lining.”

Anna nods with a sense of wanderlust inside the young girl as she tries to think of happiness and what makes her happy. What in life is worth happiness and sadness?

Tom, Anna deduces.