The Animal Within

When you get resurrected over and over again you start wondering if it's all really worth the struggle and fight to look for the person, place, or object you're trying to find because, when it's all boiled down to it, you might die after finding what you're looking for so why try finding it in the first place? Is it a magnet that draws you in? Is it the satisfaction of finding it?

After the bird attack in the classroom I was ready to set Demetri free, and find my love for this life. I don't care if I'd be resurrected all over again just to find him once more, because I was tired of searching for a man that doesn't even know who I am nor love me. I'm on a downward spiral once more, and my sister can't know about it.

I'm not talking drugs or drinking this time, but after being knocked out from my own desk I have been thinking and wondering what the point was of searching for a guy or man that won't know who I am yet I know everything about him. I know that Demetri is now Ethan, I know he is a werewolf because of the way he holds himself now - he's not the human stable boy that I once knew, and I bet if I talked to him he wouldn't act like my Demetri did.

Demetri was soft, cuddly, loving, and nice. He was a lover and not a fighter, but I bet this...this...Ethan was a fighter and not a lover. I bet Aiden is still the same though, because he was always protecting his little brother with all the strength he had and then some; I guess Baylynn got off easy with her search since she knew how to handle a brash Jeremy so it wouldn't be much effort for her, but for me...it'd be a whole new ball field.

How do you get someone to love you that doesn't even know you exist? They could get flashes of us in their minds eye, but they won't be able to piece it together before something traumatic happens to Baylynn or I.

This. This is how it always is - one step closer and then two steps back - one of us always dies as soon as we get close to finding Jeremy and Demetri or do find them before we rush in to save their lives costing us the opportunity in seeing them again.

I was tired of crying, fighting, and losing every time they come into view. I want to love someone in this life that will love me for who I am now, not who I was back in the time that loving the same gender was a mortal sin.