Diary of Mari Delrous: Blue Apple
APRILS CHANGE
APRIL 24TH 2013
I feel like so much has changed today, I don’t know where to start.
After being said to fuck off the day before feeling caged in as usual, I had a bad day today, being told I wont succeed in Maniarix Or any of my other stories, If I don’t do school well as motivation. But instead feeling offended, And one of my teachers is giving me a lot of attitude as I failed completely as Jerrys partner in the big history project competition. And me always smiling and seeming to not care about anything, it can only hurt so much…I couldn’t take it anymore, I began to cry and for once someone noticed. Eza came near me asking me what was wrong, I cant explain that to her. Not here, not now. So I ran out of the class slamming the door and hiding in the bathrooms. Just like when I was little….Only this time someone came for me.
“Is someone here?” Miss Corleone asked quietly.
I showed myself tears in my eyes, red faced, crying.
She asked me what’s wrong, I just couldn’t answer, she then brought me to the guidance counselor for the first time…she turned out to be very kind, since I was crying so badly I found no reason to lie to her, I told her the truth. What’s been bothering me for so long the fake smiling mask I choose to wear so often, The stress from my old school to this one, my surgery the homework, my grandpa still haunts me, my smile, my parents, my ghosts…
She understood me. For the first time in my life I told someone how I feel and how I really am sad at heart, and they didn’t say “get over it” Or “Drama queen”
In the end I really did feel better. She said she’d like to see me again, I agreed to it.
When it was the end of the day I felt awkward around Jerry in the bus, ditching him the way I did. Later, I got a message from Norman wanting to skype, I told him I had a bad day, he asked Caleb why Caleb told him. They both started to want to talk about it…The guidance counselor thought maybe I would feel better telling a friend (Not the fake ones) About it. I ended up giving in and sort of told Caleb and Norman…Normal was acting all doctor phill style…it was kinda funny actually. I ended up getting so comfortable with them, who seem to actually care about me. Believing im not dumb or ditzy…And quickly at the end, I told Caleb about werewolf…Not everything but how he was a penpal sort of…I told them how I never felt like I had a real friend until now with them, that’s why…I blocked Nolen…Because I felt like I could actually have a real friend for real…One that wont just leave me behind.
“That was very…touching.” Caleb laughed shyly as he always does.
“Indeed.” Norman agreed.
“But Mari you should know we aren’t your only true friends. Some people really worried about you, Like Elizabeth.”
I cried so much today…even now. Maybe this means things can change, maybe theres hope. If I can tell the truth, if I speak about these troubles inside me, if I ask questions in math class without the fear of being humiliated too…
And im sure to say I like Caleb, but I don’t think he feels the same. He didn’t seem to care that much but then again who really has time for these things anyway. Im afraid of tomorrow but, I cant do this to Jerry, I need to do this project with him, and maybe I could see the lady again. Maybe.
I hope this is a start I don’t want to die by my own hand anymore, I want to live by my heart. To be happy.
I feel like so much has changed today, I don’t know where to start.
After being said to fuck off the day before feeling caged in as usual, I had a bad day today, being told I wont succeed in Maniarix Or any of my other stories, If I don’t do school well as motivation. But instead feeling offended, And one of my teachers is giving me a lot of attitude as I failed completely as Jerrys partner in the big history project competition. And me always smiling and seeming to not care about anything, it can only hurt so much…I couldn’t take it anymore, I began to cry and for once someone noticed. Eza came near me asking me what was wrong, I cant explain that to her. Not here, not now. So I ran out of the class slamming the door and hiding in the bathrooms. Just like when I was little….Only this time someone came for me.
“Is someone here?” Miss Corleone asked quietly.
I showed myself tears in my eyes, red faced, crying.
She asked me what’s wrong, I just couldn’t answer, she then brought me to the guidance counselor for the first time…she turned out to be very kind, since I was crying so badly I found no reason to lie to her, I told her the truth. What’s been bothering me for so long the fake smiling mask I choose to wear so often, The stress from my old school to this one, my surgery the homework, my grandpa still haunts me, my smile, my parents, my ghosts…
She understood me. For the first time in my life I told someone how I feel and how I really am sad at heart, and they didn’t say “get over it” Or “Drama queen”
In the end I really did feel better. She said she’d like to see me again, I agreed to it.
When it was the end of the day I felt awkward around Jerry in the bus, ditching him the way I did. Later, I got a message from Norman wanting to skype, I told him I had a bad day, he asked Caleb why Caleb told him. They both started to want to talk about it…The guidance counselor thought maybe I would feel better telling a friend (Not the fake ones) About it. I ended up giving in and sort of told Caleb and Norman…Normal was acting all doctor phill style…it was kinda funny actually. I ended up getting so comfortable with them, who seem to actually care about me. Believing im not dumb or ditzy…And quickly at the end, I told Caleb about werewolf…Not everything but how he was a penpal sort of…I told them how I never felt like I had a real friend until now with them, that’s why…I blocked Nolen…Because I felt like I could actually have a real friend for real…One that wont just leave me behind.
“That was very…touching.” Caleb laughed shyly as he always does.
“Indeed.” Norman agreed.
“But Mari you should know we aren’t your only true friends. Some people really worried about you, Like Elizabeth.”
I cried so much today…even now. Maybe this means things can change, maybe theres hope. If I can tell the truth, if I speak about these troubles inside me, if I ask questions in math class without the fear of being humiliated too…
And im sure to say I like Caleb, but I don’t think he feels the same. He didn’t seem to care that much but then again who really has time for these things anyway. Im afraid of tomorrow but, I cant do this to Jerry, I need to do this project with him, and maybe I could see the lady again. Maybe.
I hope this is a start I don’t want to die by my own hand anymore, I want to live by my heart. To be happy.