Diary of Mari Delrous: Blue Apple
JUNE 2013
Sunday june 2nd 2013
Today was a beautiful day. Litterally too.
Its been quite a long time since I last felt truly happy on one of those happy summer days.
It would seem Me and Mark hang out practically every weekend now...I like it honestly.
Anywho today he came over to my place. The first thing we really did was go outside since it was so nice and we went for a walk along the forest paths where we found countless shopping carts and gang signs. I think thats a Faxton thing. Anyway yeah we explored a bunch of places i havent ever seen before. He reckognised alot of them however, but sadly my mother made me wear these really painfull sandals, so at somepoint it would hurt to walk. Yet mark being all gentlemanly as he is, actually chose to pick me up, how in the blazes...Only for about five minutes though i know im heavy hehe...though it was really fun!
Me: Weeee! You do know im pretty heavy now right?
Mark: Nah...your just as heavy as any human being...though im not saying thats light either....
It was awesome hehehe. Thank you painfull gladiator sandals!
Though an embarassing part of our walk would be...
OK look. I never got stung by a bee before, so when i see them i cant help but run. So me and Mark would just be walking there and sudennly...Id start running out of nowhere.
Worst of all, I keep running INTO the bee, and it would piss it off so it would fly after Mark instead, flying in his face repeatively three times.
Sorry Bee!!....I mean Mark.
Anyway from there we just walked back with hands in out hands...which is funny cause not long after we realized we were both wearing black and it got really hot and sweaty but i still loved it 100%! Then we watched the grudge all cuddle like. Then later we trolled that kid on xbox, John...and of course john re asked us the question if we were going out and of course Mark says....
“I dont know...Are we?”
DEJA VU?! PAGE 128 REFERENCE, AKA MAY 5TH POST!!!
WHAT IS THIS.
And of course.
Me: “I...I...I dunno....MEEPP....”
Mark: Your choice...
HAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH?!?!?!
Of course my shyness got the best of me. And zoned me out. AGAIN. DAMN IT.
Why cant I ever say yes. and i mean with Mark it would so be a yes with the fact he kept kissing my head while we were cuddling. Peck peck peck!
And apparently he neever even cuddled with someoe before....meep....
Oh my girls out there that thought nobody would ever love them....I shall be the living proof you are wrong...there is hope even after all those years of being called ugly by Connor and so on! THERE IS HOPE!
Hey luckily though, he brought it up again about the Question i didnt answer. I explained how i zoned out a bit but he said not to answer now, but rather the next time we hang which is probably this weekend.
He told me though last night the weirdest thing happened...
Ok heres how it goes, he lives in laurresvill right, The place is sort of wildernessy ish forest, beaches, spaces between houses, anyway, so Mark and his dad were apparently watching a scary movie, to hear a knock on the door, and its like, eleven PM. as a precaution Mark took his little pocketknife just incase. So he opens the door with his dad to see...a baby carriage out under a light in the street. So you know, “Oh geez someone abandoned their kid...” They walked up to the carriage to then realize theres nothing there, but someone running up behind them. Mark showed his knife and the guy totally stopped and explained it was a brank and stuff, then Mark just as revenge would start small talk with the guy while switching his knife open and off as they would talk to freak this guy out. like : “So what soccer team are you on?” ERR...UMM...eeeh...
hehehe i can picture it perfectly honestly.
MONDAY 10 JUNE 2013
I keep getting more deja vu. Not too long ago, i got three deja vus in one day.
I always end up seeing it in a dream and realizing in reality that i saw it before. Its getting to the point when it scares me, and i breathe funny. I never told anyone about it until saturday when i told Mark. He actually believed me, thank god. Then i told my dad, he believed me too. turns out it used to happen to him all the time as a child. Its said i get it from the ancient voudou ancestors of the Delrouse. I do hope it stops soon anyway.
I also learned something really interesting about Mark today too...I find it fascinating somehow. He sees lights...small orbs around people when they are near death. Ive heard about this before but never really got into it until now. He isnt always so comfortable speaking of it, it scares him since he cant understand it, and it cant be helped but to feel emotional when he sees it. I could also have something similar if its linked to death.
Wether a vision or an orb, when you know someone dear to you will pass over and theres nothing you can do about it...what do you feel, think, act, do you tell the person? No idea. He told me of the people who died and how he saw the light right there next to them. It must be painful...
He never told anyone, the idea of being ridiculed I suppose but also the feeling of pain..well i know...its nice to feel trusted. He also mentioned something very odd. And that even though i didnt tell him, i used to experience something similar as a child.
He mentioned sometimes when hes sleeping somewhere new, hell wake up and see some figure in his room back facing to him. Just, there. Sometimes hed call out to it but it wouldnt do anything but bob its head. Though leaving the room or closing his eyes would make it go away, it still happens though now he isnt afraid.
What are these things that haunt us? Well, i guess in the end, everyone is haunted by something. Most likely themselves.
WEDNESDAY JUNE 12TH 2013
I feel sadness. Sadness cloaking my very thoughts and heart, memories pass through my mind people i loved and missed have changed. Nothing can really last forever can it?
Why must i feel this way at heart, still after all ive been through all the days ive smiled and laughed..why...i even feel love, real love for the past month, when i was loved back which never really happens....I guess its the thoughts, that fear, that memory...
When I moved, it was always him…
Through my time in Loosetown, yes i did like other guys. But it would always point back to him. He didn't seem to care at some point, i tried moving on...
Then i came back, he wasn't there, i began to love a wolf, who was never truly present, only because he made me forget how i really felt i thought i loved him...Mark...I know it too, after how much i tried yo forget about you, then Caleb, and after being often refused, Mark came back at the randomest of times...Possibly because i was my honest self with him? Did i change? Why, now out of all times?
Yet i slowly fall back in...I guess in the end he was always the beginning wasn't he...
Of so many emotions...the six grade, i created Heart to forget about him because he stopped talking to me.
Ever since, Heart follows my shadow around.
7th grade, crying every night creating my obsessions with Faxton because i missed him...
8th grade, My obsession getting worse, falling into depressions, seeing the dark lonely side of my heart, starting to understand how ive been feeling for so long, and always taking death as an option....
9th grade...
After feeling destroyed by frowning all the time in loosetown and being ignored or avoided,
I created the smiling mask after returning and noticing after my obsession, i was still just as alone as i was before. And my dreams, expectations, meant nothing at all... Death feels more and more like the right answer, until a wolf saved me from that thanks to my blind willingness. All this with a cost: To shatter an already broken heart.
But now at the end of 9th grade, that heart feels twistedly saved by the very one who silently damaged it in the first place.
My only fear is if ill fall too deep, and that heart wont only be broken but maybe forever destroyed...
I try not to care.
But there will always be moments like this. When my heart cries out to me and my clouds cloak it into these dark emotions.
But for now...i have to be happy, for im almost sure he experiences similar feelings of sadness...Who doesnt these days...
JUNE 27TH 2013
So schools pretty much over, im having a good time. Marks been busy and all but were still pretty close...Though i never told him yes yet...But...
I was on that stupid facebook, I looked down in my friend request to see Nolens again. I still never answered it. I seem to keep it to check on him sometimes...I out of curiosity clicked to his profile again to see a new picture of him on his cover. He stilll has the same profile picture though, him hand on some blond girls waist. The entire reason i gave up on him. Im happy but...
When i saw his photo i saw how much he grew seventeen now and all...As lovely as when i first knew him..though now its done. Though looking at him I flinched, I felt as if i got shot by a bullet of my emotion, rising over me i got so warm and felt as if i was going to puke even. I even shed a tear.
Do i...yea...i think i do miss him...though i know i probably wont ever go back or hear from him again. Though these odd small memories i once felt like he was mine. ..When he said im yours and your mine...though he never was was he...when he never came back...i must have gotten boring have i... Its odd when i hear his favorite songs, or look up at a clear sky, thinking of how we both had that same fear...We did have alot in common and he was the first to really see me as i am. I grew attached and Right now i really do miss him..
Nolen..If you were here before everything now...I feel wrong for thinking this.
I do like Mark alot, but it was due to my feelings broken by him in a way that i started falling for Nolen of all people...But back to Mark...I cant understand how im feeling...Nolen i miss you like hell but its now that i get a little piece of heaven, and move on.
I loved you, you left. Though you were never there i probably made you think i never did love you either in truth. Im sorry...Ill miss those good times...
Today was a beautiful day. Litterally too.
Its been quite a long time since I last felt truly happy on one of those happy summer days.
It would seem Me and Mark hang out practically every weekend now...I like it honestly.
Anywho today he came over to my place. The first thing we really did was go outside since it was so nice and we went for a walk along the forest paths where we found countless shopping carts and gang signs. I think thats a Faxton thing. Anyway yeah we explored a bunch of places i havent ever seen before. He reckognised alot of them however, but sadly my mother made me wear these really painfull sandals, so at somepoint it would hurt to walk. Yet mark being all gentlemanly as he is, actually chose to pick me up, how in the blazes...Only for about five minutes though i know im heavy hehe...though it was really fun!
Me: Weeee! You do know im pretty heavy now right?
Mark: Nah...your just as heavy as any human being...though im not saying thats light either....
It was awesome hehehe. Thank you painfull gladiator sandals!
Though an embarassing part of our walk would be...
OK look. I never got stung by a bee before, so when i see them i cant help but run. So me and Mark would just be walking there and sudennly...Id start running out of nowhere.
Worst of all, I keep running INTO the bee, and it would piss it off so it would fly after Mark instead, flying in his face repeatively three times.
Sorry Bee!!....I mean Mark.
Anyway from there we just walked back with hands in out hands...which is funny cause not long after we realized we were both wearing black and it got really hot and sweaty but i still loved it 100%! Then we watched the grudge all cuddle like. Then later we trolled that kid on xbox, John...and of course john re asked us the question if we were going out and of course Mark says....
“I dont know...Are we?”
DEJA VU?! PAGE 128 REFERENCE, AKA MAY 5TH POST!!!
WHAT IS THIS.
And of course.
Me: “I...I...I dunno....MEEPP....”
Mark: Your choice...
HAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH?!?!?!
Of course my shyness got the best of me. And zoned me out. AGAIN. DAMN IT.
Why cant I ever say yes. and i mean with Mark it would so be a yes with the fact he kept kissing my head while we were cuddling. Peck peck peck!
And apparently he neever even cuddled with someoe before....meep....
Oh my girls out there that thought nobody would ever love them....I shall be the living proof you are wrong...there is hope even after all those years of being called ugly by Connor and so on! THERE IS HOPE!
Hey luckily though, he brought it up again about the Question i didnt answer. I explained how i zoned out a bit but he said not to answer now, but rather the next time we hang which is probably this weekend.
He told me though last night the weirdest thing happened...
Ok heres how it goes, he lives in laurresvill right, The place is sort of wildernessy ish forest, beaches, spaces between houses, anyway, so Mark and his dad were apparently watching a scary movie, to hear a knock on the door, and its like, eleven PM. as a precaution Mark took his little pocketknife just incase. So he opens the door with his dad to see...a baby carriage out under a light in the street. So you know, “Oh geez someone abandoned their kid...” They walked up to the carriage to then realize theres nothing there, but someone running up behind them. Mark showed his knife and the guy totally stopped and explained it was a brank and stuff, then Mark just as revenge would start small talk with the guy while switching his knife open and off as they would talk to freak this guy out. like : “So what soccer team are you on?” ERR...UMM...eeeh...
hehehe i can picture it perfectly honestly.
MONDAY 10 JUNE 2013
I keep getting more deja vu. Not too long ago, i got three deja vus in one day.
I always end up seeing it in a dream and realizing in reality that i saw it before. Its getting to the point when it scares me, and i breathe funny. I never told anyone about it until saturday when i told Mark. He actually believed me, thank god. Then i told my dad, he believed me too. turns out it used to happen to him all the time as a child. Its said i get it from the ancient voudou ancestors of the Delrouse. I do hope it stops soon anyway.
I also learned something really interesting about Mark today too...I find it fascinating somehow. He sees lights...small orbs around people when they are near death. Ive heard about this before but never really got into it until now. He isnt always so comfortable speaking of it, it scares him since he cant understand it, and it cant be helped but to feel emotional when he sees it. I could also have something similar if its linked to death.
Wether a vision or an orb, when you know someone dear to you will pass over and theres nothing you can do about it...what do you feel, think, act, do you tell the person? No idea. He told me of the people who died and how he saw the light right there next to them. It must be painful...
He never told anyone, the idea of being ridiculed I suppose but also the feeling of pain..well i know...its nice to feel trusted. He also mentioned something very odd. And that even though i didnt tell him, i used to experience something similar as a child.
He mentioned sometimes when hes sleeping somewhere new, hell wake up and see some figure in his room back facing to him. Just, there. Sometimes hed call out to it but it wouldnt do anything but bob its head. Though leaving the room or closing his eyes would make it go away, it still happens though now he isnt afraid.
What are these things that haunt us? Well, i guess in the end, everyone is haunted by something. Most likely themselves.
WEDNESDAY JUNE 12TH 2013
I feel sadness. Sadness cloaking my very thoughts and heart, memories pass through my mind people i loved and missed have changed. Nothing can really last forever can it?
Why must i feel this way at heart, still after all ive been through all the days ive smiled and laughed..why...i even feel love, real love for the past month, when i was loved back which never really happens....I guess its the thoughts, that fear, that memory...
When I moved, it was always him…
Through my time in Loosetown, yes i did like other guys. But it would always point back to him. He didn't seem to care at some point, i tried moving on...
Then i came back, he wasn't there, i began to love a wolf, who was never truly present, only because he made me forget how i really felt i thought i loved him...Mark...I know it too, after how much i tried yo forget about you, then Caleb, and after being often refused, Mark came back at the randomest of times...Possibly because i was my honest self with him? Did i change? Why, now out of all times?
Yet i slowly fall back in...I guess in the end he was always the beginning wasn't he...
Of so many emotions...the six grade, i created Heart to forget about him because he stopped talking to me.
Ever since, Heart follows my shadow around.
7th grade, crying every night creating my obsessions with Faxton because i missed him...
8th grade, My obsession getting worse, falling into depressions, seeing the dark lonely side of my heart, starting to understand how ive been feeling for so long, and always taking death as an option....
9th grade...
After feeling destroyed by frowning all the time in loosetown and being ignored or avoided,
I created the smiling mask after returning and noticing after my obsession, i was still just as alone as i was before. And my dreams, expectations, meant nothing at all... Death feels more and more like the right answer, until a wolf saved me from that thanks to my blind willingness. All this with a cost: To shatter an already broken heart.
But now at the end of 9th grade, that heart feels twistedly saved by the very one who silently damaged it in the first place.
My only fear is if ill fall too deep, and that heart wont only be broken but maybe forever destroyed...
I try not to care.
But there will always be moments like this. When my heart cries out to me and my clouds cloak it into these dark emotions.
But for now...i have to be happy, for im almost sure he experiences similar feelings of sadness...Who doesnt these days...
JUNE 27TH 2013
So schools pretty much over, im having a good time. Marks been busy and all but were still pretty close...Though i never told him yes yet...But...
I was on that stupid facebook, I looked down in my friend request to see Nolens again. I still never answered it. I seem to keep it to check on him sometimes...I out of curiosity clicked to his profile again to see a new picture of him on his cover. He stilll has the same profile picture though, him hand on some blond girls waist. The entire reason i gave up on him. Im happy but...
When i saw his photo i saw how much he grew seventeen now and all...As lovely as when i first knew him..though now its done. Though looking at him I flinched, I felt as if i got shot by a bullet of my emotion, rising over me i got so warm and felt as if i was going to puke even. I even shed a tear.
Do i...yea...i think i do miss him...though i know i probably wont ever go back or hear from him again. Though these odd small memories i once felt like he was mine. ..When he said im yours and your mine...though he never was was he...when he never came back...i must have gotten boring have i... Its odd when i hear his favorite songs, or look up at a clear sky, thinking of how we both had that same fear...We did have alot in common and he was the first to really see me as i am. I grew attached and Right now i really do miss him..
Nolen..If you were here before everything now...I feel wrong for thinking this.
I do like Mark alot, but it was due to my feelings broken by him in a way that i started falling for Nolen of all people...But back to Mark...I cant understand how im feeling...Nolen i miss you like hell but its now that i get a little piece of heaven, and move on.
I loved you, you left. Though you were never there i probably made you think i never did love you either in truth. Im sorry...Ill miss those good times...