Diary of Mari Delrous: Blue Apple
DECEMBER 2012 Beginning of apple
27TH DECEMBER 2012
Im in royalmount. At my step grandmothers apartment. She used to take care of me a lot when I was younger. so i can say I have some attachments.
I woke up to see this morning there was a huge snowstorm outside. Ill describe to you what im seeing outside the living room window.
HUGE LAYERS OF SNOW ON THE GROUND, snowflakes of all sizes, wind powdering all the snow and up on the skeleton trees small black birds on the branches. Some together some near but apart, and one alone on the highest branches. The bird that’s alone…stands out, stands tall. It may be alone, neglected by the others but all that time alone makes him greater. Only nobody can see it. Though even greater there does come a time when you feel alone. Poor thing, in the cold. Its much better to be cuddled up against someone in the coldest moments.
Could that bird even have both? I suppose it waits and dreams.
Hm, I understand you bird. I never felt like I fit in all my life. I guess I never will.
So I got this journal today, im glad. Its been weeks since I finished my last journal. I asked for one for Christmas but got a laptop instead. Sure it’s a great gift but im not to certain what ill do with it besides typing. I feel bad having it because Nolen. I know he was a good guy but I lost him. Its really hard not to think of him. I think of him everyday. How I never got to say goodbye, how hes probably confused out of his mind…
Oh Nolen…im so sorry….
6:49 PM
Just got back from the RP servers in the game.
I can easily say this helps me a lot. Having this second life to go to. It helps me, not to feel alone when I am. Usually once I get home from school, I get very depressed because im alone and able to think more then I should. But now I don’t need to be alone anymore then I need to, being able to live another life as the ticking time bomb, neverly. With her friends, cole, tirok, koeber, ghoul, junohstarr,werewolfguy,huahu, ETC!
Its very fun. And I write down every bit.
Now I shall begin my attempt of clean penwriting.
Now lets see….I love my grandmother. No doubt about it. But I do easily get tired. She acts a little obsessive of me…Every month I get a phonecall from her, of no actual blood relation asking about how I am. Everytime I say the same things. While I barely get phonecalls from my actual blood kin. Anybody else in my family, sometimes they don’t even do that.
She only sees ne twice a year and if im in royal mound its insisted I go see her. Now since I see her twice a year it makes sense why I always feel treated as a child around her. I know im nostalgic but trust me, I don’t need to be asked if I need to go to the bathroom. Trust me, I don’t need any help with that lady….
Then she acts tired of me because she wants to return to her normal routine. But im not the one bothering her!!! Every five minutes-
….EVEN JUST NOW. Exactly what im talking about! She asks me what do I want to do, if I am hungry! Would you rather write your journal up on the table in the livingroom….every five minutes…and If I do do any movements whatsoever she appears again! PLEASE I LOVE YOU BUT MY SPACEEE! Im not a kid that absolutely has to play a game or do something every five minutes now! I can take care of myself! I don’t even want to be here that’s why I lay low my parents drag me here allll the time! I don’t blame her but, if she could just open her eyes a little…shes the only person in the world to spoil me so much but its not worth it! And realize im not getting into your plans whatsoever. No I don’t need help cleaning up my own stuff…..You notice everytime you see me im older…so why treat me the same age I used to be….
I used to want to stay here all the time until I was seve and I realize I have a personal space bubble. Until she realizes tat for sure I cant take anymore then staying in this apartment for more then two days…I love her but nobody, my parents,my family, my friends give this much attention. My family doesn’t see me any more then her and they talk to me maximum three times in a visit of a week. I cant work with this much or at least this kind of attention. Two months and im fifteen, really.
And no my pen writing still looks like shit. Fuck. Im roleplaying now BUHBYE.
SATURDAY THE 29TH DECEMBER.
We are currently driving back to faxton from royalmount. I realize I hate travelling. Always have. AT least in these cases…I have to be pretty patient. Watching all the boring conversations I find it sooooo very booring…But I survive somehow!
Excuse my probably awful handwriting im writing in the dark, the sun just went down. Oh speaking of writing I got a new pen today…a CROSS pen…gel-ink. ITS AMAZING. Not cheap but I can see why.
Im glad to go back to faxton I wonder if ill get the chance to hang out with any of my friends soon.
Im a bit of a mind wreck right now, I see myself in so many perspectives, all because of boys. I haven’t spoken to Alex in forever. Im feeling guilty. Its almost as if I played with not just his but my emotions as well…I should have never said I liked him a week before I left. I know what that’s like!
I remember, sure when I was younger then, but I remember crying every night because I missed Mark knowing he liked me because he told me, but I was already gone. So then later I hear about all these girls he was wheeling and something like that. I remember how I felt…so why did I do the same thing to Alex?
Then theres this Nolen thing…he was adorable…sweetest guy I ever met. Cutest smile but of course it would never work out anyway right? We were distanced from eachother since the start…All I want is to get a chance to explain but im too afraid. I hate it so much because sure I have a lot of friends but not any that I can consider true. Who really knows me? In a way I would say that I had this in Loosetown but when I was there I said the same about faxton…
I guess I just cant be satisfied!
Also something stupid im getting a crush on Charly I think. But I think he likes someone else anyway. I don’t remember, blondes pretty women….not just that but I never end up with guys I have crushes on…NE-EV-VER. NEVER WITH THE LY! NEVERLY! Haha but yeah I never do. I always go for the first guy to tell me, because im such a yes girl, plus if someone asks me out why should I just close off to them? You never know if that certain guy can make you extremely happy! Give em a chance! Yknow?
Either way I can tell you hes pretty funny. I wont go any further I don’t feel like falling for ANOTHER GUY and getting sad about it.
Ok…its really dark right now…I cant see a thing…im gonna stop writing….
***
I now have light….
DAMMMM THAT’S SOME FINE WRITING!
Though this writing isn’t to different its just between lines…yeah….
Im in royalmount. At my step grandmothers apartment. She used to take care of me a lot when I was younger. so i can say I have some attachments.
I woke up to see this morning there was a huge snowstorm outside. Ill describe to you what im seeing outside the living room window.
HUGE LAYERS OF SNOW ON THE GROUND, snowflakes of all sizes, wind powdering all the snow and up on the skeleton trees small black birds on the branches. Some together some near but apart, and one alone on the highest branches. The bird that’s alone…stands out, stands tall. It may be alone, neglected by the others but all that time alone makes him greater. Only nobody can see it. Though even greater there does come a time when you feel alone. Poor thing, in the cold. Its much better to be cuddled up against someone in the coldest moments.
Could that bird even have both? I suppose it waits and dreams.
Hm, I understand you bird. I never felt like I fit in all my life. I guess I never will.
So I got this journal today, im glad. Its been weeks since I finished my last journal. I asked for one for Christmas but got a laptop instead. Sure it’s a great gift but im not to certain what ill do with it besides typing. I feel bad having it because Nolen. I know he was a good guy but I lost him. Its really hard not to think of him. I think of him everyday. How I never got to say goodbye, how hes probably confused out of his mind…
Oh Nolen…im so sorry….
6:49 PM
Just got back from the RP servers in the game.
I can easily say this helps me a lot. Having this second life to go to. It helps me, not to feel alone when I am. Usually once I get home from school, I get very depressed because im alone and able to think more then I should. But now I don’t need to be alone anymore then I need to, being able to live another life as the ticking time bomb, neverly. With her friends, cole, tirok, koeber, ghoul, junohstarr,werewolfguy,huahu, ETC!
Its very fun. And I write down every bit.
Now I shall begin my attempt of clean penwriting.
Now lets see….I love my grandmother. No doubt about it. But I do easily get tired. She acts a little obsessive of me…Every month I get a phonecall from her, of no actual blood relation asking about how I am. Everytime I say the same things. While I barely get phonecalls from my actual blood kin. Anybody else in my family, sometimes they don’t even do that.
She only sees ne twice a year and if im in royal mound its insisted I go see her. Now since I see her twice a year it makes sense why I always feel treated as a child around her. I know im nostalgic but trust me, I don’t need to be asked if I need to go to the bathroom. Trust me, I don’t need any help with that lady….
Then she acts tired of me because she wants to return to her normal routine. But im not the one bothering her!!! Every five minutes-
….EVEN JUST NOW. Exactly what im talking about! She asks me what do I want to do, if I am hungry! Would you rather write your journal up on the table in the livingroom….every five minutes…and If I do do any movements whatsoever she appears again! PLEASE I LOVE YOU BUT MY SPACEEE! Im not a kid that absolutely has to play a game or do something every five minutes now! I can take care of myself! I don’t even want to be here that’s why I lay low my parents drag me here allll the time! I don’t blame her but, if she could just open her eyes a little…shes the only person in the world to spoil me so much but its not worth it! And realize im not getting into your plans whatsoever. No I don’t need help cleaning up my own stuff…..You notice everytime you see me im older…so why treat me the same age I used to be….
I used to want to stay here all the time until I was seve and I realize I have a personal space bubble. Until she realizes tat for sure I cant take anymore then staying in this apartment for more then two days…I love her but nobody, my parents,my family, my friends give this much attention. My family doesn’t see me any more then her and they talk to me maximum three times in a visit of a week. I cant work with this much or at least this kind of attention. Two months and im fifteen, really.
And no my pen writing still looks like shit. Fuck. Im roleplaying now BUHBYE.
SATURDAY THE 29TH DECEMBER.
We are currently driving back to faxton from royalmount. I realize I hate travelling. Always have. AT least in these cases…I have to be pretty patient. Watching all the boring conversations I find it sooooo very booring…But I survive somehow!
Excuse my probably awful handwriting im writing in the dark, the sun just went down. Oh speaking of writing I got a new pen today…a CROSS pen…gel-ink. ITS AMAZING. Not cheap but I can see why.
Im glad to go back to faxton I wonder if ill get the chance to hang out with any of my friends soon.
Im a bit of a mind wreck right now, I see myself in so many perspectives, all because of boys. I haven’t spoken to Alex in forever. Im feeling guilty. Its almost as if I played with not just his but my emotions as well…I should have never said I liked him a week before I left. I know what that’s like!
I remember, sure when I was younger then, but I remember crying every night because I missed Mark knowing he liked me because he told me, but I was already gone. So then later I hear about all these girls he was wheeling and something like that. I remember how I felt…so why did I do the same thing to Alex?
Then theres this Nolen thing…he was adorable…sweetest guy I ever met. Cutest smile but of course it would never work out anyway right? We were distanced from eachother since the start…All I want is to get a chance to explain but im too afraid. I hate it so much because sure I have a lot of friends but not any that I can consider true. Who really knows me? In a way I would say that I had this in Loosetown but when I was there I said the same about faxton…
I guess I just cant be satisfied!
Also something stupid im getting a crush on Charly I think. But I think he likes someone else anyway. I don’t remember, blondes pretty women….not just that but I never end up with guys I have crushes on…NE-EV-VER. NEVER WITH THE LY! NEVERLY! Haha but yeah I never do. I always go for the first guy to tell me, because im such a yes girl, plus if someone asks me out why should I just close off to them? You never know if that certain guy can make you extremely happy! Give em a chance! Yknow?
Either way I can tell you hes pretty funny. I wont go any further I don’t feel like falling for ANOTHER GUY and getting sad about it.
Ok…its really dark right now…I cant see a thing…im gonna stop writing….
***
I now have light….
DAMMMM THAT’S SOME FINE WRITING!
Though this writing isn’t to different its just between lines…yeah….