Diary of Mari Delrous: Blue Apple
JANUARY 2013
Thursday 3rd January
Tommorow I get back to school…Interesting. It seems to have been a very quick winter break since I was in Royalmount for a week. EXTREMELY boring. And now it feels so sudden that I’m back to school.
Odd.
I never did anything about the request yet. I doubt I ever will. I wrote a letter to myself directing it to mother but…I won’t even bother her by worrying her about it. I’m becoming a little cold. Not thinking of what’s going into Nolens head.
Poor Werewolf…I wish I could fight myself…Im terrible. I love him so but…ah…
I wish….
The school days.
Every morning I manage to set my alarm at five AM yet I somehow still end up almost missing the bus at eight twenty. Probably because after my shower I fall asleep again. And because I spend most of my time thinking whenever im in the shower. I have no Idea why whenever im being slammed by water I start thinking of such deep subjects like the problems of the world. I really do think of that whenever I get in the shower. I also think of my dreams. Sigh….
Once in the bus at morning, I greet Elizabeth and pass out in my seat. Once the ride is over and we arrive at school I feel even more tired but walk as if I have a perfect amount of sleep with coffee even. I then get up the stairs and into my hallway, once I get rid of my bag I automatically search for someone to socialize with. Here is the list of my first choice to last in groups.
1ST CHOICE: Simon,Vivoc, Caleb, Mark And Charly.
I cant face Mark or Charly alone Like I can Vivoc, Simon and Caleb though. I don’t know why. I can only when their surrounded with a group of people I know but if not I don’t talk to them much alone.
In 2ND CHOICE: Eza,Cecile, and Gena.
And 3RD CHOICE: Elizabeth , Ema, Sarah and Era,
Its not anything personal really. Its just somehow in girl groups im always left out. More left out then usual so that’s pretty left out.
Mostly I Chat with Vivoc. Because Vivocs awesome. Don’t question it, he just is. And dont pronounce his name vivoc. You have to say VivOOOOOOOOCKKKKKHHHHH Prounounce the o, as OH
And then he greets me. “HI BOB”
Yes im greeted as Bob.
Bob Mariri.
Anyway then I go to class where I socialize some more depending who is around me.
There literally isn’t anyone in the class I haven’t talked to. The ones I talk to the less though are the popular kids. So like four people that’s it. They don’t even really talk to any others like Tony or so. I don’t get these invisible walls. I talk to Damien sometimes though. Anyway I enjoy to talk to people of all types, personality type and so on.
And I like it when im not the only one destroying the wall either. Every math class I start by talking to Caleb. Hes advanced though so once the entire calcul mental thing ends he goes in the back. In math class I really got to say I must be the slowest. Theres also other classes like….Science humaine….Im surrounded by Elizabeth, Damien, Eza,Ema,Caleb,And Simon.
Skipping by the classes, at lunch I spend with the boys at the basketball court where we do mindless and random stuff like acting crazy. Its acutally boring but I rather this then sitting around talking. The peeps im with at the court is Vivoc, Mark,Charly,Elliot, ,Simon,Era, Etc/.
I like them anyway ten its back to class and a thirty minute bus ride (or fourty)
Anyway yeah…got to go.
January 18 2013 Friday
So Eza had a birthday party tonight surprisingly there were only five of us because all the other people Eza invited were “Busy”. But even if some people missed out, it was fun and chill.
The partie had Cecile, Eza, Me, Sarah, and Mona.
Mona I didn’t know very well but now I can say I like her a lot.
Being honest even I think I didn’t like her as much at the beginning because shes been hanging with Mark a lot.
In true words Yes I found Mark to be my closest guy friend, yes I was very attached to him but that’s obviously over. Ever since I moved back here we barely talk to eachother. Weve grown apart and honestly after being with her for a while I think Mona is the best choice of friend for Mark. She aint no bitch. Mariri aprooved all the way! Shes really nice I love her Mark, Great choice!
Plus, as Mark moved on to a better friend I think I did too. Caleb is just so happening to be a great friend to me. I cant say he does or not but sometimes it almost seems like he can read whats in my mind. That’s new coming from the people. He may not at all but just thinking that someone here may have the idea that its not all that it looks like…He sort of reminds me of Malia Gordons in a way…My old friend Malia….Oh Malia…
Thing is everyone is telling me that he likes me so then I feel awkward. Best part is though when peple say stuff like that right infront of us were just there like…You like to make things awkward don’t ya? PSHYYEAAAHHH Brush it off our shoulders! Yea! Highfive Caleb!
Hes a pretty sweet guy though. But theres not much else I can say…
JANUARY SUNDAY 20 2013
…I write my dates weirdly….
By the way if you haven’t noticed I got ink for my pen…yay.
So right now im just chilling up here in my bed. Man the weekend went by fast. Probably because I felt sick lately…sighs…im annoyed with myself right now. Im bothered about my loneliness again. Its actually really pathetic…I want someone to depend on. How do I stop this? And how do I get rid of Rave? (Sorry Rave) OK. Time to think. It’s the new year anyway. A goal I desperately need, to not be alone so much. So I don’t get this way. Also : figuring out what the terrible feelings mean. Making sure in my head im not really…..
And last which may be hardest, to not look like an idiot around people. Alright!
MONDAY 21ST JANUARY 2013
Great! A new song! To make me feel more ungodly emotions!
Jupiter by your favorite martian!
Reminds me so much of someone…terrible…And the music video…just the thought.
I really hope he knows…
I wish….
“Theres nothing left to say. Im not with you. Sometimes the path least travelled, is the avenue.
The stranger in your life, you thought you knew. How can I be yellow, and still so blue…
Ill stay impossible to define while your away, I only want to be with you…”
I Wish with all my heart wed never drift apart.
And its all my fault.
Two months now..And I still think of him everyday…
Oh Nolen…
Please understand the last thing I want to do Is hurt you…This is becoming unbearable…
I hate them…
I hate them so much…
I miss you even more…Someone save me…
Someone save you…
Please Nolen wherever you are, take care of yourself. Don’t let the memory of me break you down…don’t think of me as much as I do you. Please don’t ruin yourself because of this…stay the same…
Stay amazing like you are..dont ever change nolen…
The kindest…
I miss him so much…this is my fault…im afraid…
24TH JANUARY 2013
I still wait for the day someone will take me seriously and tell me im smart.
Its obvious people think im dumb. I don’t even blame them. On the outside I act so happy, dumb, with no problems. And people believe it 100%.
I ask people, am I smart?
Uhh…depends…….
And everyone laughs. I laugh as well but in truth it hurts me very much.
Also when I talk to my parents, im always misunderstood. And then I end up feeling terrible. I don’t want to burden anyone but if I don’t its all on myself. The weight on my shoulders. People act like they lost all faith in me. Maybe its true…
I mean, I lost faith in myself too. But I don’t want to be the stupid girl anymore.
Im tired of this, I don’t feel like living anymore…again.
And this time I don’t even have anything left….
No…oh my god…
That’s wrong im forgetting the reason im here…Maniarix. I haven’t written for so long, im forgetting about maniarix…No….I cant end this all just yet….But what happens next time if I cant recall?
Oh no..nonononono….. I just want to be away from the world. From the people who look only with their eyes…
30TH JANUARY 2013
Another shooting of a child under 18 down in America. I find it ticks me off how its so easy for someone to posess a loaded gun. Especially in these times. If I count in 2012 america has gotten so many shootings for no reason. There was the laughtner case, That’s when things started showing up and getting noticed, Then if I remember correctly it was a cinema shooting for the dark knight rises, A lot of people injured and dead…Later eight days before Christmas, the newton school shooting in conneticut. I cant remember the names correctly thinking of all the places these things happen.
Newton was a massacre of a childrens school. Kids as in five year olds…some nutcase…I shouldn’t even call him a nut or lunatic since these days sanity no longer exists. And I feel sorry for the guy even…of course not much pity, and never as sorry as id be for the children though.
A man killed his mother, got into a school, shot some kids then shot himself…Something is obviously wrong. 1: Guns, weapons shouldn’t be so easy to get. Fuck it weapons should be illegal. Nobody should have hold of a gun. Sane or insane, it will always just make things worse. Though the gun amenement has been there for a long time, and some people cant help but somehow get attached.
2:Though what is it in 2012-2013 that causes all this? Something now is driving people to make terrible choices.
Something now is making us pick up a gun, something now is causing aggression and madness.
What is it though…Media? News overdose? Bullying? Social disruptions? FKING CELLPHONES? CORRUPTION IN GENERAL? Conspiracy lies? I DON’T KNOW…
Something is causing all this pain. Nobody should feel the need to kill someone or themselves..Which is why I not only feel terrible for the victims but even the madmans in the story.
Something mut get them so overwhelmed with terrible emotions and thoughts, provoiking them and their mind to act so aggressively…how much pain was your heart filled with, before you spilled it on others.
Ill be honest though it should mean nothing. Sometime earlier I had angry thoughts against the world and everyone in it. I wanted people to disappear so I could be left alone. So I told myself:
“If you want to be rid of everyone in the world, simply be rid yourself.”
That…side of myself thinks I wanted everyone to disappear, to die. So why don’t I just die, then ill be free…
Nobody could believe I think this way. I will never act though….at least on others…
Plenty of the sick these days. Just four days ago, someone did a news report about a twelve year old girl attacking someone, she got sent to the police office. They kept her in longer then they were supposed to. At some point she started cutting herself. They didn’t even fucking rush her to a hospital. Police people who are supposed to defend us. Save us.
Police now are simply corrupt and bribed. Like crooked politicians, dictators and governments who lie and keep secrets from their people.
This is what I see when my mother turns on the TV every fucking day…addicted, television rules the nation…And I see a sickened world.
And in this sick world there is America…To me it’s the scariest place of all…
America is simply teaching other countries to fear them and dislike them...which is why im terrified to go to texas on my birthday…
God I really hate speaking and fearing other countries…especially for the fact im forgetting all the impressive and good things about America, but its just, those who are showing off their country so ignorantly….doesnt impress me….just no…Im scared to go….why must I be dragged…
Tommorow I get back to school…Interesting. It seems to have been a very quick winter break since I was in Royalmount for a week. EXTREMELY boring. And now it feels so sudden that I’m back to school.
Odd.
I never did anything about the request yet. I doubt I ever will. I wrote a letter to myself directing it to mother but…I won’t even bother her by worrying her about it. I’m becoming a little cold. Not thinking of what’s going into Nolens head.
Poor Werewolf…I wish I could fight myself…Im terrible. I love him so but…ah…
I wish….
The school days.
Every morning I manage to set my alarm at five AM yet I somehow still end up almost missing the bus at eight twenty. Probably because after my shower I fall asleep again. And because I spend most of my time thinking whenever im in the shower. I have no Idea why whenever im being slammed by water I start thinking of such deep subjects like the problems of the world. I really do think of that whenever I get in the shower. I also think of my dreams. Sigh….
Once in the bus at morning, I greet Elizabeth and pass out in my seat. Once the ride is over and we arrive at school I feel even more tired but walk as if I have a perfect amount of sleep with coffee even. I then get up the stairs and into my hallway, once I get rid of my bag I automatically search for someone to socialize with. Here is the list of my first choice to last in groups.
1ST CHOICE: Simon,Vivoc, Caleb, Mark And Charly.
I cant face Mark or Charly alone Like I can Vivoc, Simon and Caleb though. I don’t know why. I can only when their surrounded with a group of people I know but if not I don’t talk to them much alone.
In 2ND CHOICE: Eza,Cecile, and Gena.
And 3RD CHOICE: Elizabeth , Ema, Sarah and Era,
Its not anything personal really. Its just somehow in girl groups im always left out. More left out then usual so that’s pretty left out.
Mostly I Chat with Vivoc. Because Vivocs awesome. Don’t question it, he just is. And dont pronounce his name vivoc. You have to say VivOOOOOOOOCKKKKKHHHHH Prounounce the o, as OH
And then he greets me. “HI BOB”
Yes im greeted as Bob.
Bob Mariri.
Anyway then I go to class where I socialize some more depending who is around me.
There literally isn’t anyone in the class I haven’t talked to. The ones I talk to the less though are the popular kids. So like four people that’s it. They don’t even really talk to any others like Tony or so. I don’t get these invisible walls. I talk to Damien sometimes though. Anyway I enjoy to talk to people of all types, personality type and so on.
And I like it when im not the only one destroying the wall either. Every math class I start by talking to Caleb. Hes advanced though so once the entire calcul mental thing ends he goes in the back. In math class I really got to say I must be the slowest. Theres also other classes like….Science humaine….Im surrounded by Elizabeth, Damien, Eza,Ema,Caleb,And Simon.
Skipping by the classes, at lunch I spend with the boys at the basketball court where we do mindless and random stuff like acting crazy. Its acutally boring but I rather this then sitting around talking. The peeps im with at the court is Vivoc, Mark,Charly,Elliot, ,Simon,Era, Etc/.
I like them anyway ten its back to class and a thirty minute bus ride (or fourty)
Anyway yeah…got to go.
January 18 2013 Friday
So Eza had a birthday party tonight surprisingly there were only five of us because all the other people Eza invited were “Busy”. But even if some people missed out, it was fun and chill.
The partie had Cecile, Eza, Me, Sarah, and Mona.
Mona I didn’t know very well but now I can say I like her a lot.
Being honest even I think I didn’t like her as much at the beginning because shes been hanging with Mark a lot.
In true words Yes I found Mark to be my closest guy friend, yes I was very attached to him but that’s obviously over. Ever since I moved back here we barely talk to eachother. Weve grown apart and honestly after being with her for a while I think Mona is the best choice of friend for Mark. She aint no bitch. Mariri aprooved all the way! Shes really nice I love her Mark, Great choice!
Plus, as Mark moved on to a better friend I think I did too. Caleb is just so happening to be a great friend to me. I cant say he does or not but sometimes it almost seems like he can read whats in my mind. That’s new coming from the people. He may not at all but just thinking that someone here may have the idea that its not all that it looks like…He sort of reminds me of Malia Gordons in a way…My old friend Malia….Oh Malia…
Thing is everyone is telling me that he likes me so then I feel awkward. Best part is though when peple say stuff like that right infront of us were just there like…You like to make things awkward don’t ya? PSHYYEAAAHHH Brush it off our shoulders! Yea! Highfive Caleb!
Hes a pretty sweet guy though. But theres not much else I can say…
JANUARY SUNDAY 20 2013
…I write my dates weirdly….
By the way if you haven’t noticed I got ink for my pen…yay.
So right now im just chilling up here in my bed. Man the weekend went by fast. Probably because I felt sick lately…sighs…im annoyed with myself right now. Im bothered about my loneliness again. Its actually really pathetic…I want someone to depend on. How do I stop this? And how do I get rid of Rave? (Sorry Rave) OK. Time to think. It’s the new year anyway. A goal I desperately need, to not be alone so much. So I don’t get this way. Also : figuring out what the terrible feelings mean. Making sure in my head im not really…..
And last which may be hardest, to not look like an idiot around people. Alright!
MONDAY 21ST JANUARY 2013
Great! A new song! To make me feel more ungodly emotions!
Jupiter by your favorite martian!
Reminds me so much of someone…terrible…And the music video…just the thought.
I really hope he knows…
I wish….
“Theres nothing left to say. Im not with you. Sometimes the path least travelled, is the avenue.
The stranger in your life, you thought you knew. How can I be yellow, and still so blue…
Ill stay impossible to define while your away, I only want to be with you…”
I Wish with all my heart wed never drift apart.
And its all my fault.
Two months now..And I still think of him everyday…
Oh Nolen…
Please understand the last thing I want to do Is hurt you…This is becoming unbearable…
I hate them…
I hate them so much…
I miss you even more…Someone save me…
Someone save you…
Please Nolen wherever you are, take care of yourself. Don’t let the memory of me break you down…don’t think of me as much as I do you. Please don’t ruin yourself because of this…stay the same…
Stay amazing like you are..dont ever change nolen…
The kindest…
I miss him so much…this is my fault…im afraid…
24TH JANUARY 2013
I still wait for the day someone will take me seriously and tell me im smart.
Its obvious people think im dumb. I don’t even blame them. On the outside I act so happy, dumb, with no problems. And people believe it 100%.
I ask people, am I smart?
Uhh…depends…….
And everyone laughs. I laugh as well but in truth it hurts me very much.
Also when I talk to my parents, im always misunderstood. And then I end up feeling terrible. I don’t want to burden anyone but if I don’t its all on myself. The weight on my shoulders. People act like they lost all faith in me. Maybe its true…
I mean, I lost faith in myself too. But I don’t want to be the stupid girl anymore.
Im tired of this, I don’t feel like living anymore…again.
And this time I don’t even have anything left….
No…oh my god…
That’s wrong im forgetting the reason im here…Maniarix. I haven’t written for so long, im forgetting about maniarix…No….I cant end this all just yet….But what happens next time if I cant recall?
Oh no..nonononono….. I just want to be away from the world. From the people who look only with their eyes…
30TH JANUARY 2013
Another shooting of a child under 18 down in America. I find it ticks me off how its so easy for someone to posess a loaded gun. Especially in these times. If I count in 2012 america has gotten so many shootings for no reason. There was the laughtner case, That’s when things started showing up and getting noticed, Then if I remember correctly it was a cinema shooting for the dark knight rises, A lot of people injured and dead…Later eight days before Christmas, the newton school shooting in conneticut. I cant remember the names correctly thinking of all the places these things happen.
Newton was a massacre of a childrens school. Kids as in five year olds…some nutcase…I shouldn’t even call him a nut or lunatic since these days sanity no longer exists. And I feel sorry for the guy even…of course not much pity, and never as sorry as id be for the children though.
A man killed his mother, got into a school, shot some kids then shot himself…Something is obviously wrong. 1: Guns, weapons shouldn’t be so easy to get. Fuck it weapons should be illegal. Nobody should have hold of a gun. Sane or insane, it will always just make things worse. Though the gun amenement has been there for a long time, and some people cant help but somehow get attached.
2:Though what is it in 2012-2013 that causes all this? Something now is driving people to make terrible choices.
Something now is making us pick up a gun, something now is causing aggression and madness.
What is it though…Media? News overdose? Bullying? Social disruptions? FKING CELLPHONES? CORRUPTION IN GENERAL? Conspiracy lies? I DON’T KNOW…
Something is causing all this pain. Nobody should feel the need to kill someone or themselves..Which is why I not only feel terrible for the victims but even the madmans in the story.
Something mut get them so overwhelmed with terrible emotions and thoughts, provoiking them and their mind to act so aggressively…how much pain was your heart filled with, before you spilled it on others.
Ill be honest though it should mean nothing. Sometime earlier I had angry thoughts against the world and everyone in it. I wanted people to disappear so I could be left alone. So I told myself:
“If you want to be rid of everyone in the world, simply be rid yourself.”
That…side of myself thinks I wanted everyone to disappear, to die. So why don’t I just die, then ill be free…
Nobody could believe I think this way. I will never act though….at least on others…
Plenty of the sick these days. Just four days ago, someone did a news report about a twelve year old girl attacking someone, she got sent to the police office. They kept her in longer then they were supposed to. At some point she started cutting herself. They didn’t even fucking rush her to a hospital. Police people who are supposed to defend us. Save us.
Police now are simply corrupt and bribed. Like crooked politicians, dictators and governments who lie and keep secrets from their people.
This is what I see when my mother turns on the TV every fucking day…addicted, television rules the nation…And I see a sickened world.
And in this sick world there is America…To me it’s the scariest place of all…
America is simply teaching other countries to fear them and dislike them...which is why im terrified to go to texas on my birthday…
God I really hate speaking and fearing other countries…especially for the fact im forgetting all the impressive and good things about America, but its just, those who are showing off their country so ignorantly….doesnt impress me….just no…Im scared to go….why must I be dragged…