Diary of Mari Delrous: Blue Apple

SATURDAY MARCH 2 12:57 am

I was very emotional the last time I've written. You have no idea. Though i had to lock that up.
So yeah...I’m...fifteen now...weird....
When i woke up on the 27th i ended up being very quiet ever since. I just held back every part of me. The 27th was pretty boring besides going to NASA. not just that but ever since ive turned fifteen my mother has been treating me very oddly.
The more i start to hate that woman...
I just want to leave by now. Go somewhere far away without them but theres one problem...
Its easy to say i haven't been raised right.

Ive obviously been spoiled. And to make more sense. Heres an example.

Birds, teach their children to fly so they can move on their own and be free....
I was never taught to “Fly”

They try to teach me how to cook but i was never shown how to look and act well on this. The worst part of how i was raised, im sure youve noticed.

Im a fucking cry baby. I complain all the time!

My parents are always talking on how i complain about everything. Really makes me feel terrible. Thats why eversince ive been quiet. Its weird, their the only ones i ever heard say that though.
Is it possible that when you have a kid, you feel as if you have all the power over it, meaning youll say things that you would never tell anyone else besides your kid, that you treat like property? It sounds obsessive...
I tell myself i never want a kid. Because i dont want to turn out like the,////But i probably will the day i loose my mind...

If i ever do get a kid though ill remember the things my parents would do that would hurt me, and try to remember not to do the same to my kid...
When i was little my mother would terrify me when she would yell, or spank me and stuff like that...
She still does yell but it only ticks me off by now.
You may not think it but she actually has an attitude problem. Even sometimes dad will walk down to the basement and get extremely irritated about that. She doesnt notice it until later when she appears laughing loudly about it like nothing happened....

Just writing about it gives me this feeling...again...
For a while now ive been getting this...feeling...like even a few hours ago my mom was talking on the phone with someone and i heard her say:

“Yea shes fifteen now so she complains alot....”
I quietly walked away into my room and started punching and moving on my bed raging.
I actually couldnt stop for a while so i went up to my casio and started playing very loudly and angered until i calmed down and then just played as my mood came back.

I dont think this feeling is very good though. It feels like a twisted tree with dry branches growing in my stomach moving and poking me inside. It strikes nerves therefor it gets me really angry and somewhat violent.
And thats only how it feels physically. In my head its worse when i get this feeling. I have an urge to either hurt myself or worst somebody else....
I know it should be nothing but...
when you imagine yourself hurting someone...to feel better...that cant be a good thing for sure.
Am i falling towards madness again?
Maybe im just being dramatic...Well thats what mother would say...Fuck im crying...
I remember in loosetown...when i told her my urge to....suicide...and she told me i was being dramatic....Why the hell can i never be taken seriously?
I HATE PARENTS....
..i need to chill out...
Im always saying terrible things to them in my head mostly i say “Die in a hole” Which i know sounds very cold and bleak.
Heh its weird, there was once a time i respected them. I was dumb.
I remember trying to get their attentions when i was younger and u was doing something good, sometimes i actually still do that.
Like ill play something on the casio really really loud so i know they can hear it, and ill loop what im playing for hours until i know what they think, in hopes their proud of me...

...They never really do anything....
God i hate them i hate them...

Nowadays they seem to try to take care of me with what i eat and when i dont...HA
I ask myself, why the hell do they care?!

and yes why the hell do you people care if i dont eat? You never seemed to care when i told you i wanted to fucking die!
You act like you dont care but then you act like you do!
And why the hell do i not have door lock?!
Cause im just there sleeping and you SLAM OPEN MY DOOR AND WALK IN JUST LIKE THAT.
just leave me, i hate you.

OK so my cat jumped on me and made my drawing tablet fall down and it started the alarm, now they just walked in here and started yelling at me.
THE FUCK SORRY?! REALLY HAVE TO YELL FOR AN ACCIDENT MY FUCKING CAT DID?! NOTHING BROKE, REALLY HAVE TO YELL IN MY EARS?!
I HATE THEM.
i want them to....leave sometimes. But i dont mean that. Instead i could just leave. Then all our problems are solved! Everyone would be happy with me gone! Im the worlds burden right?! ok good! Ill die!
But i cant because theres one thing leaving me here.

I would say Maniarix or Moon or writing but ive come to the phase of hating my own imagination because reality told me so the hard way. I just dont give a fuck anymore.
Now its only one thing though it sounds pathetic, its Nolen.

The only person i feel respected and affection from. Though it kills me how hes so far away at least i still feel alive about it. It could be all a lie but i dont care. I actually feel living because of him. He desnt treat me like the weird kid or the drama queen as my parents would say.

He treats me...like im real...
Not normal but like im alive...and i have feelings... I dont care at all of how he looks or so, even though ive seen him and i like him that way too, i really dont care...Nobody was ever, so...Ok with me.

Heh, i never even found Nolen that cute until when we skyped and he ended up waking up early in the morning just to talk to me. And there he was, looking so sleepy eyed...
Ever since I just realized how much i really like him. And as he always says, “Im yours and your mine...”
Im his and hes mine....
I could never let them take him away from me again...If that were to happen i would loose it. If theres anyone going to end Me and Nolen, it should be Me and Nolen.

Heh...i never got a birthday present yet...Maybe because i didnt ask for anything, you know besides a synthesizer...but thats not really what i want....for a while now, all i wanted as my birthday present, was to be alout to talk to Nolen...For them to let me...Then i can be really happy.
Id love to tell mother these things but the problem is she doesnt trust me therefore, If i were to tell her anything, she would snoop and stop me. Worst of all when i tell her the truth she thinks im lying. I hate it.....I love my parents but i hate them more, and when i lie its not even a bad thing im ever hiding....Damn it...

I need to stop writing. That tree inside me keeps growing bigger.
To brighten things up,
I love wind.
it feels like your getting invisible kisses on your face.
Blow a kiss in the wind. The wind will blow, and someone who needs it most will receive your kisses.
Its the unseen love when everyone in the world passes it on to each other. Happiness and peace for all, Its wind.

MARCH 9TH 2013
Alright good news for you im not going to talk to you about my pathetic mind problems, im going to talk of something you must definetly see in many schools. Its almost a sort of bullying that ive come to notice, and i realize:
This is why i dont befriend “Popular kids”

Being completely honest, Im litterally friends with EVERYONE but the populars. While the populars are actually only friends with the populars.
I feel sorry for these so called popular people because they are missing out on so many amazing people who are so unique and original. Yet they dont let amazing people show who they are on the inside, because populars in some way threaten them to hide who they are. Because their afraid theyll get picked on and so on...stupid right?

Ill give you a secret idea example...I like these girls, dont get me wrong, they have great aspects in their personality, same for the others at that popular table. Im sure theres great things in these people. The thing is they show off the bad things in themselves. They act vain and like their higher level then everone else. And what ticks me off is that the people they act higher above, is that the lower people are the ones stroking their already giant egos. Yes its true these people have great talents. But think of it like this.

I prefer an ugly, polite normal singer. Then a pretty extremely rude woman with a golden voice. Because being rude and offensive destroys your beautiful image completely. And you WILL receive karma for that.

Today these three popular girls tried to conduct a dance for the school class talent show.
At first it worked fine, but they kept changing their own idea and rejecting what anybody else had to say and calling their ideas “Retarded.”

One of these girls i used to call my friend but lately shes been turning into that popular image anyway. Thats sort of a shame. Something similar happened with these girls i used to know in fifth grade too. I remember they used to be best friends so strong until one got sucked into that popular world as well. I even used to talk to her and she was really nice. But i dont know why she chose to change this way, and lie to herself with her fake friends that talk bad about her behind her back even.

Anyway, its weird because people that we call “Popular” Are constantly hated by everyone. Not even constanly everyone hates them ALL the time. Is this where the saying “haters make me famous” comes from? Then how are these people that we hate always in so much power.
Simple answer.

Power is something you TAKE.
and to take power, that requires driving people into a somewhat fear so then theyll never cross you. Though they will hate you. But your loud voice filled with nonsense vanity and insults, still seem to ruin others. And thats what makes them hide who they really are.
These things happen even in the smallest of schools.
This is a small case, but my friend in loosetown, A sweet girl, but she would offend others and it would threaten people. I even have video proof.

Jarred was being funny this one time, he played that song, 8675-309 and did this HILARIOUS/AMAZING dance to it! He was doing great until she simply walked in singing “HEY I JUST MET YOU....” and he froze and quietly turned his own music off. Simple as that. Simply walking in will stop people from being themselves.

And i mean, when these populars arent around and someone is comfortable around someone who they know wont judge them, Theyll be pretty awesome!

Yesterday for example, Let me tell you about Tony....
IN six grade i was one of the people under the influence so i didnt get to know him like i do now. Hes pretty shy like caleb. They often hang around eachother their like besties...
They get good grades they talk about grades, their serious during class times and their pretty quiet. Logical guys they are!
Anyway so most people dare call them nerds and boring and judge them right, especially Tony they say hes a real one...But hes actually...really coool!
He may be a bit of the nerd, but i find that a super good thing, he gets good grades and all thats great for him but hes also really funny!!!
We call him the competitive one and hes always like “NOPE NOT COMPETIVEEE...” when he obviously is and their so fun to talk too! Anyway to give an example, i dont threaten Tony, im like one of the few girls that dont.
So we both first arrive in math class, lights off, nobody around, Tony looks around quietly...Next thing you know he suddenly starts hopping and running on top of the desks and jumping off like a ninja.
i looked at him like “WHAT WAS THAT?!”
He smirked at me and answered “EPIC CLASSROOM PARKOUR...”
it was so funny, if there was anyone else that wouldnt be me, Caleb or Novis im pretty sure he would NOT have done that.. It was very unexpected. When i told Eza about it she had a confused look, nobody would expect Tony to do something so random!!!!

Also whats funny i never figured that these AWESOME people everyone keeps calling nerds would be so into facebooking. Look, eversince they got to know me and were friends, whenever i log on facebook i find myself in some crazy group chat with them!
And then Novis will tell me some sort of lie like Caleb got arrested or is moving to falkland islands to clean up the oil spill and save penguins while im gullable enough to believe him and write a goodbye speech for my friends...It just cracks them up to see me rage after that.
Sp me and tony wanted revenge on Novis so we were like...

ME: “One Niner niner- requesting backup!”

TONY: “Alright, we got a call saying were gonna have to use drastic measures”

ME: “Roger that here it comes.”

And then i would post a photo of a shirtless Emo guy while Caleb LOLED and Tony said:

TONY: “One ninerniner, WHAT IS THAT?!”

ME: “Desperate times call for desperate measures...”

Yea i scared Tony with those emo boys for the rest of his life...
Anyway if only people coud see these “Nerds and socially awkward people” Are FUCKING FUN?!

And in other news, yesterday i swore i saw a cut on Marks wrist so i was freaking out and he hid it from me. I cried thinking he cuts himself to learn it was actually just an accident and it was his dog. so YEA...GOSH MARK GIVING ME A HEARTATTACK?!
Along with charly who keeps tickling me at random moments that also gives me a heartattack dammit...