Losing Control

Jordan sings at the top of his lungs with me, causing me to laugh and make a face.
"You're somethin' else, ya know that, right?" He asks shaking his head.
"Of course I do!"
"Brat."
"Kid."
"I'm older than you."
"So? I still can call you a kid."
"Nope."
"Yep."
"Baby."
"Darlin'?"
A little old woman walking past the car awe's, making me burst out laughing. Jordan shakes his head, holding back a smirk.
"Did she think we're dating?"
"By her, 'awe,' I'd say so."
"That's pretty epic."
"It's hella funny."
"Admit it, you totally want me."
"Oh, the want is real." I reply as sarcastically as I can so he doesn't get that I do...
I really...REALLY do...
"Let's get some food before Melody's."
"Okay..."
My shy, nervous self kicks in. Eating in front of people makes me self-conscious. When people talk and eat they are not aware of how much they are actually intaking, making them think they need to consume more than they actually do, therefore overstuffing themselves to the point of no return. I don't want that to happen to me. I can't have it happen to me.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
Why do I lie so much?
"You're lying."
Thank you, someone finally notices and says something. "Am not." Dang. Lie again, why don'tcha?
"Are too. Oh, and you know we are still talking about your control thing, right?"
I groan. "I thought you forgot."
"Nope, I was waiting for the opportune time to bring it up, and I think that over a nice lunch would be the right time."
"You're evil."
"Rightfully so."
He turns into the closest Dunkin' Donuts, and shuts off the car. I tap my foot nervously, waiting for him to get out, but he just sits there, staring at me. What is he looking at?
"Um...Are we gonna go in?"
"I was thinking about having the discussion in the car, and then, if all turns out well, we will go inside."
"Oh..."
"Yeah. So, tell me, why do you need to control every aspect of your life?"
"Because I like to."
"Why?"
"I just do."
"Melody thinks that--"
Melody, Melody, Melody. "I don't care what she thinks! And who is she to talk to you about me behind my back like that? She had no right to say anything about my anorexia, or anything else for that matter!"
"She's worried about you! Can't you see that? Jesus, Marisol, she cares so much!"
"I don't need people who care! I need someone to notice that all I've ever done in my life is try and try--for what? I don't know--and it's all exploded in my face! So pardon me if I don't want to let things get out of control anymore!"
"Why can't you tell me anything? Huh? I'm trying to understand, and you just keep--"
"I don't trust a single person on this damn earth! I've been screwed over so many times, and I don't think I'll be able to willingly trust a single soul for a long time!"
"Why the fuck can't you let me show you how to trust?"
"Because I've been told that before, and guess what? It's all gone to hell!"
Jordan punches the steering wheel (I know what you're thinking: How can he drive? Melody was his ride home. Well, the answer is simple, I didn't feel like driving and said he could). I can see the anger pouring out of him, and that scares me. I don't like making people mad.
"I'm sorry.." I whisper, fighting against the tears. Ew, don't cry.
"No you're not, you're just saying that because you want me to calm down. Well you know what? I am not going to calm down! I watch you constantly struggle with things, and it bothers me that you are so damn headstrong because you won't let me help! I want to help, I need to help, but you're not letting me!"
"Because getting help shows weakness! I am not weak, I am not," I bite my lip and close my eyes. Breathe in, breathe out. You can do this. "my mom...I'm not her. I won't let life get the best of me and fall apart."
"Marisol, what happened?"
I close my eyes. Don't do it...Don't go...

////Flashback////

"Mom? Where are you?" I ask dropping my book bag on the ground. I hear sniffling and a hiccup.
Oh no...
"Mom?"
Slowly, I walk into the living room and see her on the floor, a bottle of whiskey in her hand, pictures strewn across the floor. Not this...
"He's gone, Marisol....He'll never come back."
"Mom, I know he's gone...It's been--"
"Don't tell me how long it's been! I know he's been gone for five months!"
She throws the bottle at me, missing my head by mere centimeters, causing me to jump. She rises to her feet, stumbling over to me, she says, "It's all your fault...He told me that he wished his family was better!"
"Mom, calm down....It's o--"
"It's not okay! It's your fault your brother is gone! It's your fault!"
I know it is...No need to remind me. "Please, just--"
"I wish it was you that was gone! I always loved your brother more than you, you little bitch! Why couldn't you have been the child to die? Huh? I want my son back!"
My mom grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me violently. I bite my lip to keep me from crying. No, you can't cry, she can't see you breaking--that's what she wants. A stinging sensation on my face brings me back to focus.
I'm on the ground now. Huh? How did this...?
I look up, my mom smiles at me, and I realize why. I'm laying in the glass. That's why my face stings. She threw me down onto the broken bottle's remains, and my face got cut. I never thought she would do this...
"Mom....What did I do wrong?" I cry, my voice cracking.
"Everything. You were never a good daughter."
She grabs a bag from behind the couch and walks out of the front door.

///End Flashback///

"I am so sorry..." Jordan whispers in my ear, pulling me close to him.
I shake my head. "Don't...Just...don't..."
"Don't what?"
"Let me fall apart. I can't do that again..."