This Is Letting Go

Lonely

You wish that you could go back to the days where everything felt so good. When you felt so protected and secure in your lover's arms. You would give anything and everything in a heartbeat to be able to spend just one more minute with him. To be able to hug him close to you and whisper in his ear how much you love him. At the time you were able to do all of this, you didn't realize how much it mattered to you. How much it was important to your day, just holding him close. So close that you could hear him breathe in your ear. When he wasn't whispering to you how much he loves you. You used to get so annoyed at him when he would do that because it would end up with you crying. But today, you would do anything to be able to go back to those moments.

It's now that you realize how pointless it was for you to get annoyed by the simple gestures he would do. He would always do them out of love for you. By getting mad at him for making you blush, or making you cry from happiness, you were losing precious minutes of time that you could have spent with him. Mad at him, and you regret each of those times more than I'll ever regret anything. If you knew that you were going to lose him, you would have done everything in your power to be able to hug him every minute of the day. Without any fights or other people. Or drama. Just you and him. The life you always wished for.

But why would a human in love want to imagine that the one person they have ever truly loved would go away some day? Way closer that they wished for.

Now he's left you all alone in this cold dark world and the only thing you have left as a memory is the old lover's necklace he gave you for your one year anniversary.

It's been so long that you would think you would start to forget about it, but you can still clearly remember laughing in his face for how cheesy it was and raising your voice at him. Saying that you deserved more than half of a necklace. Which is a key to a cadna with ''you'' engraved on top of it. Also that it was stupid of him to think it was enough for a gift. That night, he ran out of the house and went to buy you an iPhone. The one you always wanted but didn't want to buy it yourself. Even if you had way more than enough money to buy it for yourself and you knew that he didn't. He probably had to steal it from his parent's account for you, but he did it because he wanted you to be as happy with him as he was with you.

The truth is that you didn't need that iPhone. Or any other expensive things he would buy you to make you happy. You only needed him.

It doesn't matter how expensive everything he bought you was. You always wanted the new things. The more technologically advanced ones and that was his biggest fear. That you would leave him for something new. Something that is better than him and the shitty necklace he would wear every day. Even if you never did. At least not while he was still alive to see it.

You know what Brent? It doesn't matter anymore which iPhone you have or which technologically advanced computer he buys you, because those things aren't true to your heart. They are just things that you wanted. He was everything you ever wanted and now you only have that necklace. The one you once cursed him for it. The necklace that you would force him to hide while people were around so they didn't know how stupid he was acting. But admit it, as you're alone in your bed at night, only the necklace you once found stupid made sense. In the end. It's not the material things that counts, it's the guy that is making you feel love. That is putting you on the edge each time you wear them.

You've been keeping your part of your necklace so everyone sees it since the day he left you. Since the day he left this world. Since the day he made himself leave this world forever.

What was it again that made you so mad at him? Oh right I remember, it was the same necklace. He was wearing it for college and your friends saw it. You flipped out and hit him. More than once and way more destroying than the marks you left on his skin.

You made him feel so low that he decided that going away forever would be the best idea. The only memory you now have of him is that necklace. You lost the love of your life over your stupid pride.

Why is it only today you realize that you should've worn it proudly since the day he gave it to you.

But you can wear your necklace as much as you please. It won't bring him back.