What I Wish I Could Confess

We were young, just two teenagers lost in this crazy world. We were searching for hope, searching for the promise of tomorrow, a reason to have a tomorrow, and mostly, we were searching for someone; anyone to care. We found each other. Things were amazing for a year. An entire year. That entire year, I was clueless. I had no idea the secret you kept. I was so sure I saw the love in your eyes for me. I could feel it radiating off of your skin. You were the first boy to ever really love me. The first boy to notice the smallest details about me. The first boy who truly cared. I fought to be with you, I fought with my mother for you. I fought everyone to just give you a chance. Sure, you were troubled and I was too. The only difference between us really was, I was innocent when I met you. You were the bad boy. I was Eve in the Garden of Eden and you were the serpent. I could not resist. People tell you to follow your heart, but what if your head says let go and your heart says hold on? What if you're heart is wrong, as mine was? What if we should really be listening to our mind.
Things slowly changed during those few months you left. You said you were never coming back; correction, you had no reason to come back. What about me? Why wasn't I reason enough? I loved you with everything I had. And more. You came back though. You came back just when I was starting to believe I could be happy without you. You smiled at me and ruined everything. I melted all over again. But I wasn't the same girl you fell in love with, I wasn't so innocent anymore and I think you hated that. I think you wanted a good girl who would only be bad for you, but I just couldn't wait. With the promise of tomorrow ripped away from me, how could I hold on? How could I hold onto something that wasn't there anymore? I changed so much. I stopped caring about a lot, I began smoking cigarettes and then weed, and I was getting kicked out of my house constantly. I wasn't stable anymore
My heart was destroyed. But you tried picking up the pieces all over again, trying desperately to repair it. I suppose you deemed me, un-fixable. Or perhaps just not worth it anymore. You left again, saying you'd return within a month or two at the latest. A year and a half later you came back... Engaged...With a baby on the way... That last time you left when we were great, I waited. I held on to every soft spoken word, every caress, every breathe, every melody, every moment spent with you. I knew the truth. Austin eventually told me about her. I still waited, I had convinced myself slowly that someday you would wake up and realize what you left behind. Someday you would see that you needed me as much I needed you. Two years I waited. Two years you never came back for me.
I want you to know that I've finally accepted the apology I've never gotten from you. The apology I deserved. I'm not mad at you for driving me crazy. I still love you because when you love someone you either always will, or never did. You taught me how to love, so I thank you Derek. You saved me from loneliness. I wish you the best of luck in life and congratulations on the baby and engagement. I'm truly happy for you.