Never Look Back

I buried my head in my pillow when I heard the door slowly creak open, no one would seem let me just sleep.
“Aly?” Jack asked softly and I heard him slowly and quietly make his way to me. “How’re you feeling?”
“Fine,” I said simply.
He sighed, “you’ve said ‘fine’ every time I came to check up on you.”
“Because I feel the same every time you ask, so why do you keep coming back?”
“I care about you, you’re my little sister and this is the first time we have really gotten to know each other since our parents divorced.”
“Please Jack, I really just need to be alone right now,” I choked out and he reluctantly got up from my bed and I heard the door shut softly behind him.
I sucked in a breath in an attempt to hold back the tears; picking shitty boyfriends sure did have its consequences. It had been a week since the dance when I had ended things with Alex and I had no plans to change that status. Everyone at school seemed happy; I’m just another one of them. Lisa should be ecstatic. I hadn’t talked to Alex since the night I left him, how broken he looked. Like I had ripped his heart out…but then again he ripped mine out too.
He tried calling and texting but I ignored them all, he tried showing up here to talk to me and I told Jack to make him leave which is something Jack happily did. He despises Alex for what he did to me and yelled and cussed and stomped him out on it, something I wish I had the nerve to do to someone.
~~6 Days Earlier~~
I heard someone come in the door and tell something to Jack inaudible. I looked in the direction of the voice even though I was in my room.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I heard Jack seethe.
“Please man, just let me see her,” I recognized the voice, it was Alex’s and it sounded off…it sounded more hoarse and rough than his normal voice.
“Why would I do that? She doesn’t want to see you, you broke her heart and now she won’t get out of bed because of your ass!” Jack yelled. “This is why I didn’t want you fucking dating my sister Alex! But you bitched and moaned about how perfect she was and how she was different to me and I decided that since you both liked each other to let you go. I should’ve known this was gonna come back and bite me in the ass! You ALWAYS find a way to mess everything up don’t you?”
“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen Jack! I have to see her, I can’t let her slip away so fast I don’t know what will happen to me,” I heard Jack scoff at his response.
“It’s always about you isn’t it? No matter how many girlfriends you stole from me, no matter how many girls you hurt, no matter what it’s about everything bad that’s happened always seems to come back to you.”
“You really think that? That all I cause is pain?” Alex yelled back, I could hear him choke out the words as he said them.
“I know that you asshole! You broke her heart! You went so far as to act like she was different but you tore that out from under her! She doesn’t deserve this, after everything she went through with our mom and moving and problems she left behind and not to mention the fact that her friends don’t care about her, how could you do this to her? To my sister!” He screamed at him and I was actually scared at what Jack might do.
“You don’t understand-“
“Oh, I don’t understand? Then make me understand!”
“Jack just calm do-“
“Make me understand Alex!” He screamed.
“I love her okay!” He yelled back and my heart sank. “I love her and I can’t just let her go so easily. I’ve never felt this way about any girl and you know that,” he said his voice softer.
“If you love her then you’ll let her go,” Jack replied in the same soft tone.
~~
Jack refused to have me ride with Alex so he took me around in his car, something I greatly appreciated. School was rough as I had many classes with Alex and it was generally hard to get away from him. He relentlessly bombarded me with apologies and I never bought or even responded to any of them. The first day back since the dance was the worst.

~~One Week Earlier~~
I felt the stares bore into my back as I made my way up the soaked leaf-ridden steps of Dulaney. This rain made mimicked my mood and I thought it was coincidental it had rained today. Apparently word gets around quick that your boyfriend...err ex-boyfriend got with his ex-girlfriend at the dance. You’d think they’d have more interesting things to talk about. I laughed cruelly to myself and shook my head; today was going to be the hardest of all my high school attendance.
I jogged up the steps and walked brisk fully and as confidently as I could into my first period with Alex. I was about to head to my seat when something stopped me in my tracks. Every single head turned to stare at me.
“Fuuuuck,” I hissed to myself and hurried to my seat. Alex was absent and I thought maybe the universe actually liked me now.
Mrs. Hurley began talking about our next project on short stories and I sighed, taking this class was an entirely dumb decision on my part. I wasn’t good at writing and I wasn’t even creative.
As I began to think of ideas of what to write about, my thoughts were interrupted by a very enthusiastic Mrs. Hurley.
“Oh Alex! I thought you wouldn’t show! I’m so happy you made it.” My heart sank and I refused to look up from the paper but I forced myself to look at him. I almost gasped I was so shocked.
He wore a plain, white, stained t-shirt with sweatpants, his hair stuck every which way and his eyes were weighed down by bags, like he hadn’t slept in days.
“Here’s the assignment we are doing for the next weeks.” Mrs. Hurley smiled as she handed him the papers. He nodded and turned, locking eyes with me. I looked back down at my paper as I heard him make his way to me.
“Alyce, please talk to me!” He whispered as forcefully as he could and scooted his desk closer to mine. “I’m sorry! It was a mistake, she’s a mistake that’ll never happen again!”
I remained silent.
“Alyssa Rose Barakat, please at least fucking look at me and treat me like a human being,” he begged but I stared down. “Please please please I’ll do anything to get you back.”
The bell rang and I ran out. Ran away from everything that was holding me back and away from everything that brought me down when I went to Octavian. I tried so hard to run away from it all and it found another way to bring itself back up and I was afraid of the same outcome. I heard Alex calling, yelling, screaming my name as I fled. I knew we were both heartbroken but one couldn’t fix two. The gossip in the halls was treacherous: I had it coming, I was stupid for believing I was different, Alex is finally free of me, I was too clingy, Alex had set me up. In a way I agreed with them because they were right. This hadn’t been the first time I had dealt with this and it surely wouldn’t be the last. The demons that I left from Octavian were following me until my death and I could feel them laughing in my ear.
Tears streamed down my face as I made a break for the door, shoving it open and stepping out into the rain. Wishing it could wash me away forever.