Never Look Back

As fall changed into winter, the rumors finally ceased about Alex and I. Besides that, the school year has remained extremely uneventful- well only for me. Christmas came and went, we did presents at Patrick’s and then Alex and I shared the rest of Christmas with his mother Isobel, which I can say was ten times more traditional with hot chocolate, stockings, tinsel, missile-toes, and egg nog. It is now officially a new year and it’s freezing as hell.
“Alyce!” Alex yelled as he ran up to me panting. “Come help us, it’s fun!” I was bundled up with two sweatshirts, one winter coat, a hat, gloves, sweatpants and Uggs but yet I was still frozen, I didn’t mind the cold and snow unless it made me entirely uncomfortable like tonight.
“I’m freezing my balls off,” I said through clenched teeth, my jaw frozen shut.
“Oh you poor thing,” Alex sarcastically smiled then wrapped his arms around me tightly, encasing me in his warm body. “Better?”
“Much,” I buried my face in his coat until he abruptly let go. “Hey!”
“Come have some fun, you’ll be more warm if you move!” He yelled as he made his way back to Patrick and Jack building the huge snowman. I reluctantly followed, my shoes crunching on the newly fallen snow.
“Hey look who decided to have some fun!” Patrick smiled at me with his red nose and ears.
“Aly!” Jack shrieked, fistful of snow in hand. I picked up some snow and patted it on the snowman. The others hurried to pack the snow on, creating three large balls of snow, one bigger than the two and one bigger than another. Since they were all weak, it was pretty amusing watching them stack the snowballs.
“Okay on three,” Alex told the others.
“Wait, is it one, two , three lift? Or is it one, two lift on three?” Patrick asked.
“Lift after I say three,” he said back to him.
“Are you gonna say one, two, three lift? Or am I just supposed to say it in my head?” Jack asked.
“I’ll say it,” Alex replied. “One, two three LIFT!” The ball went nowhere.
“Jack!” Alex yelled.
“Sorry I thought that was practice!”
“Okay this one is for real, not practice!” Alex said. “One, two three lift!”
They finally lifted the ball onto the other and repeated with the last. It finally had taken the shape of a snowman. They added a stick nose, mouth, arms and eyes.
“What a fucking badass!” Jack smiled as he stepped back to look at it.
“I’m going inside, Alyssa would you like to come help me make hot chocolate?” Patrick asked me and I nodded.
The boys came in not long after and gulped down the hot chocolate we had prepared. I didn’t know how, I could barely sip mine without burning off all the taste buds on my tongue.

It seemed like everyone at school had gotten somewhat used to the fact that Alex and I were together because they didn’t freak out anymore when we kissed in the halls or held hands. I still got glares of course. But with a new year brought a new schedule, Alex and I tried to get as many classes the same as we possibly could. We succeeded in getting three classes the same: Psychology, Calculus again and Economics, which I definitely wasn’t excited for but I was lucky to have Alex with me.
As school ended and we made it back to the house, Alex began to hum, he hummed a tune I hadn’t heard before. It sounded sad and I couldn’t imagine the lyrics, or who it was for, I felt bad for that person.
“Alex?” I asked and he stopped and turned to look at me. “What is it you’re humming?”
His face turned red with embarrassment, “just a recent song I wrote, nothing big.”
“You wrote anew song and you didn’t tell me?”
“Well, to be fair I didn’t tell anyone, it’s pretty personal.” He shrugged and I frowned.
“Will you sing it for me?” I asked and he furrowed his brows, pondering the question in his head and I couldn’t imagine what he was thinking. Maybe contemplating my reaction? Was the song for me? I immediately shook the thought, nothing I do is worth a song.
“Yeah sure, but quietly.” He licked his lips before he began, looking down at my bed instead of my eyes.

Lights out, I still hear the rain
These images that fill my head
Now keep my fingers from making mistakes
Tell my voice what it takes to speak up, speak up
And keep my conscience clean when I wake

Don't make this easy
I want you to mean it, Jasey
You're dressed to kill
I'm calling you out

I've never told a lie
And that makes me a liar
I've never made a bet But we gamble with desire
I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire
But recently the flames are getting out of control

Call me a name, kill me with words
Forget about me, it's what I deserve
I was your chance to get out of this town
But I ditched the car and left you to
Wait outside, I hope the air will serve to remind you
That my heart is as cold As the clouds of your breath
And my words are as timed
As the beating in my chest

He smiled as he finished and I just stared at him, my heart pounding wildly. I didn’t know I had been crying until he wiped away a tear with his thumb.
“That’s how you felt after we broke up wasn’t it?” I whispered and he nodded solemnly.
“Yes but I need to know something Alyce,” Alex said softly.
I nodded and he said, “you do mean it right? You do mean your forgiveness? I don’t want you to feel forced to take me back or just say something to make me happy, I want you to mean it when you say you forgive me for what I did.”
“I swear Alex, I meant it.” He smiled before quickly pushing me down on my bed and kissing me. He grabbed my hair and I grabbed fistfuls of his shirt on his back as our lips moved together. I pulled my shirt up over my head and flung it to the ground.
“You sure?” Alex asked me and I scowled.
“You’re ruining the moment Alex.”
“Alyssa this is serious-“
“Yes, I’m positive!” He chuckled and placed his lips back on mine.
~
I turned around and saw Jack coming through the front door, he looked over at me and laughed.
“Have some fun did ya?” I played dumb.
“What are you talking about?”
“So, is the Alexander Gaskarth as great in bed as everyone claims?” Yes.
“How would I know?”
“Let’s ask the hickey on your neck,” he grinned, pointing to my neck. I felt my face go a deep red and ran to the bathroom mirror. Sure enough there was a deep purple blob printed on the side of my neck, clear as day.
“Shit!” I hissed as I poked and rubbed it, poorly trying to see if somehow that was the secret to making them disappear.
“Alex! Come here!” I yelled at him and seconds later heard him come down the hall and into the bathroom next to me.
“Wha- oh…did I do that? Sorry Alyce,” he stifled a laugh and I glared at him.
“Seriously? This is funny?”
“No you’re right. This isn’t funny.” There was a slight pause before he began cracking up.
“God dammit Alex! Make up can’t fully cover this shit up!” I yelled at him.
He calmed down and took my head in his hands, “just wear a scarf. It is winter.”
“I’m never having sex with you again.”
“Ouch! Harsh!” he smiled making me reluctantly giggle.
“Hah! I knew you guys had sex!” Jack called from the kitchen.
“Yeah Jack, you’re sisters amazing! She took me firmly by the co-“
“Aww man come on! Don’t need details!” He screamed. Alex laughed and I playfully rolled my eyes.
“I love you Alyssa,” Alex said softly.
“I love you too Alex,” he pecked me on the lips before walking out to Jack, me tailing along behind him.
“You guys are ga-ross,” Jack said making a weird face at us. He was sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal, shoveling spoonfuls at a time into his mouth. Alex walked past him, ruffled his hair and sat in the chair next to him, I followed suit sitting in the chair on the other sides of them.
“Hey,” Jack said, taking a moment to chew and swallow the mouthful of cereal before continuing. “Jeremy Becker is having tonight, he told me in 7th period, his parents are leaving on a business trip for the rest of the week.”
“We have school tomorrow though, Patrick will never let us go,” I argued. Patrick would have a heart attack if we tried to sneak out too…not like I’d have the guts to do that anyway.
“Nah, we have tomorrow off,” Alex said to me.
“Why?”
“Uhh, I think it’s cause Ted Bundy died and they want us to always keep him in our hearts,” Alex shrugged.
“What?” I asked.
“Kidding,” he smirked and I glared at him, making him laugh. “It’s for some reason, I don’t know really.”
“Are we going?” I asked.
“YES!” Jack yelled. We’d have to clear it by Patrick but if it wasn’t a school night then he hardly ever cared what we did. One of the reasons my mom and Patrick didn’t work out, he was passive and she was assertive.
“Where does he live?” I wondered if the neighbors would be pissed about the music and kids on a weekday staying up til dawn drunk and partying…we were asking to get the police called on us for a number of reasons.
“That’s the best part, since he’s rich as hell he lives in the middle of nowhere because his parents own so much land that his nearest neighbor is miles away.”
“What time we heading over there?” Alex asked, his head resting on the hand propped up against the table.
“What time is it now?” he asked.
“Almost seven,” Alex replied.
“Well, I think people will be showing up around nine, since it’s already dark. So, let’s leave around 8:30.”
“I need to get ready then!” I exclaimed and broke for my room, I knew already it was going to take me awhile to figure out what I wanted to wear. I skimmed through my closet and found no dresses or skirts that caught my eye, I grudgingly looked through the pants and even the pants I had absolutely nothing. “Shit.” I groaned standing in front of my closet disappointed.
“You okay?” Alex asked, peeking around my door.
I shook my head, “I can’t find anything to wear.”
He came up and snaked this arms around my waist, resting his forehead on mine, “You could wear sweatpants and you’d still be the most beautiful girl there.”
“Nice try, now help me find something,” I grinned, turning back to my closet.
He sighed, “Here what about this, wear this.” He pulled out a Vans, skinny jeans and a crop top.
I shrugged, “I guess I have nothing else.” I took the dress from him and striped off my shirt and pants to leave me in just a bra and panties. I stepped into the jeans and shimmied it on, a slightly tight fit but it would work.
“You smell good,” he mumbled and I giggled.
“Well that’s a plus.” He left a trail of kisses from my collarbone to my ear, I closed my eyes for a moment.
“Alex,” I mumbled.
“Hmm?”
“If you leave another hickey, I’ll cut off your dick.”
“That would mean no sex,” he whined making me giggle. I whipped around and smashed my lips onto his for a quick peck.
“No sex for Alex would mean life is over, uh-oh!” I sarcastically gasped. He smirked and brought his lips to mine again.