Never Look Back

School sucked. Things with Alex were shitty as always, but at least he had Lisa to make out with in front of me to make him feel better. I was nice about it and didn’t do it in front of him, I went off to the bathroom in the hall, I also only did it once. Sam and I would text each other all the time though, he always asked how my day was and how I was doing.
The week was painful and dull that led up to Peter’s party, which was going exactly as I thought it would. It seemed like everyone here had a date to be with except for me and people were definitely taking notice.
“You just gonna sit here all night?” Jack asked as he passed by me with a beer, I nodded slowly. He sighed and kept walking, he wasn’t the only one. I had tons of people come up to me and ask me why I wasn’t drunk and partying like usual. I just didn’t respond, then they’d get bored with me and leave me. I couldn’t even fucking drink to take my mind off! I had to lay sober on the stiffest effing couch across from the makeshift “dance floor” and rest my head on the arm rest while I tried to tune out the loud music that was causing my pounding headache. I wasn’t even wearing nice clothes, I wore black skinny jeans with white high top converse and a red razorback that cut off above my belly button and my hair in a messy bun. I looked pretty damn sexy.
It didn’t help that I had a front row seat to the Alex and Lisa Sexy Time Dance Show. She grinded on him like crazy and he tightly held his arm around her hips. I scoffed at them and looked up at the white bland ceiling. I hummed some old All Time Low songs to try to distract myself from their orgy fest, I snuck my arm under my head, resting it on the crook of my elbow and closed my eyes.
“Alyssa, why is Alex dancing with Lisa? Did you guys break up?” I opened my eyes to see a girl who I was pretty sure was in my Calculus class but I wasn’t positive. She had dirty blonde hair and wore a short red skirt, her face filled with curiosity.
I looked over at them and shrugged, “Call it an open relationship!” I laughed hysterically for no apparent reason and she looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was. She left silently as I continued to laugh, tears rolling down my cheeks but laughs soon turned into sobs. I choked on air and regained my sanity, quickly wiping the tears off my face.
I closed my eyes again as the song ended, I heard nothing but talking for a little bit and my head thanked the silence. Here comes crazy again, not hearing the music my brain decided to make its own, I mumbled the lyrics.
“Hit me out of nowhere like a car crash on the street suddenly colliding into me. Now, I'm broken, bruised and beat up tangled in my sheets, How can this feel so bad when you seem so good for me? Oh my God, what's wrong with my head? I'm sweating with the chills still in my bed tell me how I'll ever make it through. It's the short hellos and the long goodbyes the shake in my lip from the look in your eyes makes me want to die, I've got the worst hangover from you…” I opened my eyes to see Alex and Lisa were no longer dancing.
“Look at you,” I heard Evil Bitch sneer. That’s her new name, Evil Bitch. “You look really pathetic.”
“What the fuck do you want Lisa?” I asked impatiently as she rounded from the back of the couch to the front and stood menacingly in front of me. Her hair was in crazy messy waves from dancing and her short black skirt was pulled up, also from dancing.
“You have no idea how satisfying this feels, I got the boy and you got the couch,” she said innocently as if she was telling a fairytale to a child. I started to think that if a child saw her, they’d probably run away.
“He’s only using you to make me jealous dumbass but nice try,” I said tiredly.
“Really? That’s weird then why is he taking me out to lunch and asking me to meet his mom and walking me to every class? Is that all part of the act too Alyssa?” She asked, hissing my name like the snake she was.
“Jesus will you please just leave me alone?” I groaned.
“It must suck being you, everyone thinking you were different. YOU thinking you were different only to be just like everyone else.”
“Hate to break it to you Lisa but you’re a part of the ‘everyone else’ group too, don’t forget that Alex only asked you for sex too, at least he stayed with me for months not just a single night stand like you,” I hissed back.
“But yet he came back to me after every single girl he ever had, even you.”
“You still only have sex! He doesn’t consider you his girlfriend! He considers you his fuck buddy or someone he goes to when he’s desperate for any type of sex!” I shot back and she clenched her jaw in fury.
“Just look at who has Alex then look at the poor miserable girl that watches from the distance in envy. You really have no argument.”
“Only that that girl was you a couple weeks ago.”
“And now it’s you whore.” With that she turned on her heel and strutted away from me, leaving me enraged and frustrated. I watched her as she walked right up to Alex, turned back to me and blew me a kiss before wrapping her arms around him and smashing her lips on his. As they continued to make out I called Sam.
“Hey,” he said through the phone on the second ring.
“Hey uhmm, do you think you can come pick me up from this party?” I asked, I felt bad since he would have to drive a ways to get here but I had no options.
“Yeah, where?” I gave him directions and he said he’d be there as soon as possible. I spun back around to see Alex right in front of me.
“Who was that?” He asked.
“None of your business,” I mumbled and shoved past him but he grabbed my arm.
“Do you need a ride home?” He asked, all the sudden concerned with me. This kid had the craziest mood swings that really pissed me off.
“Why all the sudden do you care? You go from mocking me with Lisa to asking me if I need a ride home, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I’m sorry for wanting to make sure you get home safely,” he said, obviously hurt by what I had said.
I sighed, “Just leave me alone. I shouldn’t’ve even come to this party.” I tugged my arm free and found the front of the house. I went outside to wait for Sam’s arrival, which I hoped was gonna be soon. I sat on the curb and wrapped my arms around myself to try to keep warm, it was late February and I still hadn’t figured out what a coat is.
Alex appeared next to me and sat down on the curb with me, draping his red hoodie around my shoulders.
“Put it on Alyssa,” he said when I didn’t move. “You don’t have a coat, please.” I huffed and slipped on the hoodie which was warm and smelled strongly of Alex, I breathed it all in. Fighting the urge to cry, I stared straight ahead and blinked rapidly.
“Thank you,” I said softly.
“Alyssa, even though I don’t want to be with you my feelings for you haven’t changed. I still care about you and want you to be safe,” he said.
“So you don’t want to be with me only because I’m pregnant? Does that mean that you’ll be willing to take me back after I have the baby and just give it up for adoption?” I turn on him sharply.
“I don’t know! I don’t even know what I’m doing right now. I love you so much but it’s taken me years to build up my reputation and that’s the only thing I have left, if people saw that I had to father a baby they would mock me and treat me differently.”
“You had me. You had me Alex but you gave me up for your reputation, your love means nothing to me anymore,” I shot and stood up to meet the car that stopped just in front of me, with Sam inside.
“Here,” I said and tore off his hoodie and tossed it to him before getting in the passenger seat. I took one last look at Alex before we took off, he was so hurt. His elbows sat on his knees and his hands pulled at his hair as he stared at the ground.
“Are you okay?” Sam asked as his eyes focused on the road and I nodded.
“Yeah, things just got too crazy.”
“I saw you with Alex, what were you guys talking about? Is everything okay?” He asked again.
“Yes Sam, everything is peachy with rainbows and everything,” I said sarcastically and he threw me a glare.
“Tell me what’s bugging you Alyce,” he said sternly, I clenched my jaw.
“Don’t call me Alyce.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s what Alex calls me, not you.”
“Ouch, what happened to you at that party? Your claws are out,” he joked and I rolled my eyes at the window. He was pissing me off the more he talked.
“Is it a big deal just to ask you to not call me Alyce?” I shot at him and he sighed.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” I felt bad for the jab but I wasn’t about to take it back, he stuck his nose in too many places. I felt myself missing Alex, missing his crooked smiles, his messy hair, his smell, his chocolate brown eyes, his warm hugs and his soft lips. A tear slipped down my cheek as I stared out the window in silence.

Alex’s POV
I really fucked up this time and now I would never get her back no matter what I did, great job Alex you win the prize for being the biggest douche bag that ever lived. I heard someone come up behind me and wrap their arms around me.
“Alex, come back inside. We’re doing belly button shots, I want you to do mine,” I heard Lisa say behind me.
“Go by yourself, I’m not in the mood,” I mumbled in reply.
“No, it’d be sexier if you do it,” she whined.
“Just go away Lisa, I’m not going to do it. If you weren’t so conceited you’d realized that I obviously don’t want to.”
“It’s her isn’t it? You still want her don’t you? Well news flash Alex, she’s never taking you back because you fucked up like you always do,” she spat and I stood up and whirled around. Her eyes grew with fear at my rage.
“You think you’re better than her? You are nothing compared to her, you’re a whore,” I growled at her but I wasn’t done yet. “She’s sweet, beautiful, funny, mischievous, silly, cute, unique, strong, smart and independent, all opposites of you. You’re a bitch and clueless, so do me a favor and don’t ever talk to Alyssa or me ever again.” With that being said, I spun back around and sat down on the curb again. I heard silence for a moment then I heard her leave from behind me.
I sighed a huge breath of relief and shut my eyes, trying to block out the rest of the world. I hurt Alyssa in too many ways and she deserved better. I cheated on her, left her for being pregnant, flirted with a bunch of girls and who knows what else. I had to do something to show her I didn’t want it to be like this between us, I fucked up. I shouldn’t be trying to ruin her life by making her hate me, I had to make it up to her. But making something like what I did up to her was going to be a helluva lot easier to say than to do.