Never Look Back

It all made sense now, but for some reason I still rejected the idea that Alex may feel something for me. I can’t let myself fall so easily into his arms like countless girls and get hurt just like I always manage to do.
I hugged Matt goodbye after we pulled up into our driveway and rushed inside. Patrick was lounging on the couch watching some CSI show; I thought of Jack the first day I came, this family must be into investigative shit.
“Hey Alyssa! What are you doing home so early? You got 7th open or something?” He asked. I nodded and continued to my room. “Hey wait!” He called after me and I stopped in my tracks and spun around to face him.
“So Jack’s band, All Time Low, is having a performance at Hanley’s Café downtown this Friday and since they started their own website recently they need someone to take pictures of them and put them on the website for their fans to see. The manager assigned to operate it, Matt Colussy, wanted to know if you could be that person.”
My eyes grew wide, “Uhh yeah! I would love that!”
“Oh great! I’ll tell him you said yes.” I nodded and turned back my attention to my room. A photographer? I loved taking pictures when I was a kid but I never thought I’d get a job doing it, if you’d even call this a job. I remembered how my mother would always compliment me on how I could always capture the mood of the image.
It wasn’t long before I heard the boys come home from school; I went out to the living room to meet them. Alex, Jack, Rian and Zack were all hanging out on the couch with some bags of chips and candy. Alex’s eyes met mine as I padded closer and plopped down on the couch next to him. He held his bag of candy out to me and I stuck my hand in and pulled out a handful. He chuckled and smiled at me in which I returned.
“Hey Alyssa, how’s Matt? Ooohh Matt, I loooove Matt! He’s soo dreamy!” Jack said in a high pitched voice.
I giggled, “shut up Jack, what about Becca Fields? Someone never stops staring when we pass her in the hallway.” I playfully shot back and Jack’s face turned a deep red as the guys all let out “Ooohh” and slapped him on the arm.
“Alyssa, Patty tells me that you’re going to be our new photographer for our website,” Zack said tilting his head forward to see me.
“Oh, yeah I thought it’d be fun to come to all of your gigs and I love taking pictures so it’s a win-win for me.” Alex’s head snapped to the side to stare intently at me.
“You’re coming on Friday?” He asked. I nodded, suddenly confused. “Who was gonna tell me?” His voice grew and he seemed angry, everyone else must be thinking the same thing.
“What’s wrong?” Jack asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.
“Nothing,” Alex whispered and immediately stood and walked to the kitchen in a huff. Everyone looked questionably at one another.
“What’s his problem?” I asked quietly so he wouldn’t hear. They all shrugged and looked back up at the television, not caring that he was off by himself all pissed off for some reason they don’t know. I sighed and reluctantly walked to the kitchen after Alex, he was sitting on the floor up against the cabinets with his knees pulled up to his chest and his head resting on his hands which were being held up by his knees. He didn’t look up or move when I entered the kitchen and I quietly sat next to him and put my legs up to my chest like him. I elbowed his side gently and I heard him sigh but he still didn’t move.
“What’s up?” I asked softly and he looked up at me sadly, so sadly that I just wanted to hug him right then and there but of course I didn’t.
He shrugged, “I don’t know, and that’s just it…I don’t know.” He looked back down at his feet and I raised an eyebrow, he definitely lost me. “Have you ever felt some way about someone that you couldn’t explain? Like that one person changed who you are completely and you didn’t know how or why.” I quickly nodded and I flashed back to him in class, sharing his poem which I suspected was about me.
“It bothers me…I’ve never been like this, felt this way about a girl and I don’t get it. Normally what would happen is I would use my charm, she’d fall for it, we’d have sex and I’ve never talk to her again.” I gawked at him and he shook his head. “Horrible as it sounds, they know exactly what’s coming and they still don’t turn away.”
“Who is this girl?” I asked, wondering if he’d come out and tell me.
“Don’t play dumb,” he muttered and I did exactly that.
“What are you talking about?” I lied and turned to look at me. We sat there staring into each other’s eyes for what seemed like minutes but was really only a couple of seconds.
He stood and I followed suit, “I need to go home.”
“Oh…uhmm, are you going to be okay? I mean if you need anything-“
He cut me off by saying, “I’ll be fine, figure things out. I just can’t be here.” He then quietly left me and walked out of the door without another word. I followed him out to the living room to where I was confronted by three confused and wondering faces.
Just as Alex was outside and out of hearing range, Jack spoke, “So…what did he say?” I sighed and sat back down next to Rian.
“I don’t know, he just said he likes this girl and he said that he’s never felt this way about a girl. He said he doesn’t want to just have sex with her then leave her, he wants something more.” They shrugged like it was nothing and continued watching their show. I rolled my eyes and headed off to bed for the night.
My mind wandered on all the things that had happened today, with Alex’s poem, how upset he got and the fact that the poem was secretly about me. It was like he knew that I knew and set it up so I would find out. Clever. I changed into pajama bottoms and slipped into bed under the thick wool covers. This was all too confusing.
I drifted into sleep but was harshly awoken five times from coughing fits; I was practically dry heaving. I figured I was probably coming down with a cold or something; this is JUST what I needed, to be missing school when I was already so far behind.
I was granted sleep for the rest of the night but was punished with some bad nightmares that kept me up for an hour before I gained the courage to try for sleep again.
When morning finally came, I had a horrible case of baggy eyes and disheveled hair. I also started the day off with vomit; Patrick rushed into the bathroom after me and held back my hair while I emptied my stomach of uncertainties.
“Dear God Alyssa, this is the third time this morning that you’ve thrown up. You can’t go to school; you must have come down with the stomach flu or food poisoning or something. I’ll tell Jack for you, go rest.” He left me for Jack’s room and I sat there on the cold tile floor in front of the bathroom, just staring. I heard the front door open and close and footsteps that sounded like they were coming my way, soon later Alex appeared in the doorway and he looked down at me.
“Sick?” He asked and I nodded slowly, finally looking up at him. He was wearing a white V-neck shirt with a leather jacket over it and black skinny jeans. He looked hot. Then there was me, who looked like a meth addict.
He walked up to me and sat down, placing the back of his hand against my forehead.
“Ow!” He hissed and shook his hand like he touched something hot. I giggled and he smiled at my reaction. “I have lunch off, I’ll bring you something.”
I shook my head, “You don’t need to do that, and I’ll be fine, really.”
“I’m going to anyway.” I smiled as he stood and ruffled my hair atop my head and left the bathroom for Jack.
---
My day was full of vomit, headaches, coughing, sneezing, stomach aches and fevers. I was actually looking forward to seeing Alex when I heard the door open and close quietly from the living room and heard his footsteps. He smiled a crooked grin as he entered my room with a plastic bag in his hands.
“You’re here,” I croaked and he approached me.
“Yeah, I said I would. I got you something too, just like I said.” He pulled out a Styrofoam bowl with a plastic lid on it and a spoon, he placed the bowl on the blanket between my legs and handed me the spoon. He took off the lid to reveal what looked like chicken noodle soup, the steam exploded out and evaporated into the air, allowing the smell to bounce around the room.
I swallowed a spoonful and felt the hot broth slip down my sore throat.
“Good?” He asked and I nodded slowly, savoring every bite. “My mom made it, she practically begged me to give it to you after I told her you were sick.”
“You told her I was sick?”
“Uh, yeah we were talking about Jack and she uh…asked how you were doing and I said you were….sick.” I nodded though I wasn’t convinced.
“How has the first half of your day been?” He asked and sat down next to me on my bed.
I shrugged, “Vomit, headaches, vomit, fever, vomit, stomach aches…vomit.” He chuckled at my response and I swallowed another spoonful. I wasn’t exactly sure where Alex and I were or what we were, if we were friends or not, I had no idea but I felt I could easily be myself around him. It was almost like I was at peace with myself for once.