When Sadness Was the Sea, You Taught Me How to Swim.

Read Author's Note. (:

*Vic's P.O.V*

I closed the door behind me, as quietly as I could, not wanting to startle Kellin. He was always jittery, and worried, so I was sure that a slamming door would only make matters worse. If matters could even get any worse in his condition. Bruised, possibly broken ribs, scarred arms, and friends that barely trusted him anymore. I knew we'd have to keep a close eye on him from now on.

"Jesus Christ," Tony mutters, pacing back and forth across the living room floor. "Why didn't he tell us sooner?"

He's been upset for a long time. He knew from the second he saw him that there was something wrong with him. People don't look that sad, just because. People don't hiss in pain when they get bumped, just because. People don't have arms like his, just because. We all have to face the fact that there is something mentally wrong with Kellin, he needs all the help he can get, and we have to keep in mind that recovery isn't overnight.

"Babe, sit down." Mike sighs, leaning back on the couch. "Kellin will come down in a few minutes and explain everything to us in a little bit."

"I bet he's on the phone with Austin." Tony sneers, totally ignoring his boyfriend. "Why the fuck does he like him so much anyway? What's so good about Austin?"

"Tony." Mike says sternly. "Sit the fuck down. You're angry, alright? Kellin will flip the fuck out if your like this when he comes down."

"Right, right." Tony mutters, flopping down onto the couch. "I'm only doing it for Kellin though."

"I'll go get you a glass of water, okay?" Mike says, getting up and scurrying off into the kitchen.

"You alright, Vic?" Tony asks me. I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I felt the need to shake him off. But I didn't. I needed the comfort.

"You're right, Tony." I say, staring at the TV in front of us. "He probably is on the phone with Austin. Last night didn't mean shit to him."

"Vic, its obvious he likes you." He tells me, rubbing circles into the fabric of my shirt. "You're forgetting that he's in a very...sensitive situation. He's still in a relationship. And he's got...family problems. With his step-father, and all."

I shake my head. "Those aren't the only problems he has, obviously. Loyalty must be another one of them."

"Hey, hey." He says, in a warning tone. "Kellin is the strongest boy I've ever fuckin' met. Think about what he's going through right now. He's going through it alone."

My anger fell immediately and was replaced with sadness. And shame. Shame for being so thoughtless and selfish. Why did I say those things about him?

"You're right." I sigh, resting my head in my hands.

"Right about what?" Mike asks, finally returning into the living room.

"Nothing, sweetheart." Tony says. I look up to find him smiling as Mike hands him his glass. "Thank you."

"Anything for you, beautiful." My brother winks at his boyfriend. Yes, it was very cute. But it was my little brother and my best friend. It made me want to throw up a little bit.

"Um, h-hey guys." Kellin stood at the base of the stairs. His eyes were red, and he had his sweatshirt back on. We hadn't even heard him come down.

"Are you alright, Kell?" Tony asks, frowning as the black-haired boy made his way into the room.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He says, shaking his head. "Well, I think I am." He sits down on the floor in front of the three of us, making a hissing noise as he does so. "I take it we're not done with the questions?"

"That's correct." Mike grins, moving down on the floor to sit next to him. "Tony?"

Tony nods, and stays quiet for a moment as he thinks. His eyes light up, and I realize that he's thought of something.

"Kellin, when was the last time-" He's cut off by the ringing of his phone. He presses the green answer button, and holds up up to his ear. "Hello?...No...Yes...He's here too...Yes, really....Alright...See you then."

"Who was it?" I ask, causing Kellin's head to shoot towards me. God, he looks absolutely terrified.

"Matty," Tony says. "He'll be here in a couple of minutes."

"Great." Kellin groans. "How many people are going to know about this?"

"Just our friends, Kell. We wouldn't tell anyone else." Mike smiles, placing a hand on his shoulder. He doesn't pull away, or squeal, so that makes me smile. Thank God he was getting a little more comfortable with us.

"O-okay, Mike." He says, fiddling with his hands in his lap. "Do...do you guys mind if I step outside for a second?"

"For what?" Tony raises his eyebrows. "Are you gonna run?"

"No," He shakes his head. "I just wanna smoke."

"Alright, well," Tony says, looking over to me. "Vic! Go with him."

"Why me?" I ask, trying to contain my surprise. "He'll be okay by himself..."

"Vic, just go. Jesus Christ, is it really that big of a deal?" Mike asks, scoffing and pilling his hand off of Kellin's scrawny shoulder.

"No." I huff, standing up and making my way to the door. "C'mon, Kellin."

I pull open the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard and step out, leaving it open for Kellin. I decide that it'd be a good idea to sit on one of the lawnchairs we have on the porch, and my eyes find the gardens my Mom had planted. Fragile, beautiful. Just like Kellin himself.

Speaking of Kellin, the door slid shut and he came into view, sitting on the edge of the deck, his legs dangling off, feet barely grazing the grass.

"How's Austin?" I ask stupidly. I regret what I said the second after I said it. Although, I didn't wish that I could take it back. I actually wanted to know. To figure out if he was everything I wasn't or not, or if I had any sort of a chance comparing myself to him. I was too jealous for my own good.

"He's...good." He says nervously, pulling his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. "He misses me, which was more than expected."

"Well, don't you miss him too?" I ask, leaning forward, my elbows rested on my knees. "He is your boyfriend, after all."

He sighs, turning to face me. Swinging his legs up back onto the porch, he crosses them in front of him, and looks up at me. Bright blue eyes are shining in the bland sunlight, somehow bringing the entire yard back into life. I have to remind myself that I'm lucky I'm more so looking into the shine of the sun, then what truly lies behind the color of his eyes. No matter what the color, they still remained dead, and I have to keep in mind that no matter what, it was his emotions over mine. He was my main priority at this point.

"Vic, I'm...I'm terrified. " He admits, running a hand through his hair. He reaches into his pocket, pulling out his black lighter. Pulling a cigarette out of the pack he places it in between those perfect pink lips. Watching him made me wish that they were back pressed against mine, or my neck. I may or may not have enjoyed that entirely too much. He lights up, inhaling deeply.

"Why would you be scared, dude." I say, willing to do anything I could to get answers out of him.

He blows out all of his smoke, making a small cloud around his head for a few seconds. "I'm not sure if I feel the same way about him anymore." He says quietly, ducking his head down and staring at his feet.

"What do you mean?" I ask. I knew damn well what he meant. I just wanted a further explanation that what he was giving me. I wanted to hear him say the words, 'I like you, Vic. I want you.' That's all I needed to hear.

"We're not in love like we used to be...I'm f-falling for someone else."

"Who?" I ask, leaning forward even further. I felt my heart pounding in my chest, and I couldn't help but wonder if he could see it through my shirt.

"Its really hard for me to say this, but Vic, I...I l-like-" He's cut off by the door sliding open and Tony's head popping out.

"Matty's here, guys. Come back inside, please." He says quickly, eyes flickering back and forth from the two of us before slipping back inside the house.

"Where can I put this?" Kellin asks, holding up half of his still-burning cigarette.

"Don't you wanna keep it?" I ask.

He brings it to his lips, taking a huge drag off of his cigarette before answering me. "No, I have lots of other packs. I'm kinda wasteful." He chuckles. "Just wait inside and I'll find somewhere to douse it out. I don't want your Mom to find it."

I nod, feeling suspicious. But I do as he asks, walking inside and pulling the door closed behind me. Walking over to the corner, I pull the curtain open just the slightest bit and peer out. I watch him for a little bit, staring as he looks around, making sure no one is watching. Well, except me. He doesn't know about this and I plan on never telling him.

He pulls up his sleeve, and I practically screamed as I saw him dig the burning cigarette into the inside of his forearm, right where the bend of his elbow is. He bites his lip to hold back a scream. He mutters something to himself before throwing the rest of the cigarette into his front pocket. He heads for the door, and I scramble to the refrigerator door, pulling it open and acting like I was searching for something to eat. And right on que, the door slides open and Kellin walks in.

The smell of cigarettes burns my nose, but somehow still smells delicious to me because I know its on Kellin. The smell of toxins and nicotine is appealing to me. He makes it hot, rebellious. He wears the smell with pride, not caring who knows he's addicted or not. I spin around, smiling to find Kellin looking content.

"What's up, beautiful?" I ask, mentally slapping myself in the face.

"I, uh, j-just got r-rid of my c-cigarette." My stomach erupted in butterflies when he blushes into a bright pink and walks over to me, standing about a foot away. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything, Kells." I say, my hands beginning to shake.

"I...I like you, Vic."

Then, he leaves me standing there speechless as he walks into the living room, saying hello to Matty. I can hear the smile in his voice as I make my way to the living room, sitting down next to him on the couch. His head slumps against my shoulder, and while all the guys are 'Oooing' and grinning, he whispers three words in my ear.

"What's up, beautiful?"