When Sadness Was the Sea, You Taught Me How to Swim.

*Kellin's P.O.V*

Vic's arm found it's way around my waist, holding me with such force it felt like I might break. But I didn't mind. The closer I got to him, the better. I tried not to sigh, resting my head on his shoulder while thoughts of Austin flooded my brain.

'I love you, Kells." His voice repeated in my head, over and over and all I wanted was for everything to stop. The lying, the cheating, the selfharm, my heart...I wanted them to stop. I swallowed all of the spit that had built up in my mouth, and looked up from Vic and I's interlocked fingers to find Tony giving me an expectant look.

"Hm?" I hum gently. I felt like I was floating at the moment. Here, with Vic and the guys, it was destined to happen. Vic and I were meant to meet each other, destined to fall in love. They were my real family, the ones I could trust will every moral fiber of my being. I was willing to love them. To let them in. It had only been a few days, yet they had managed to make me feel so good about myself, so cared for. Much better than I had ever known. And now, I knew that I wanted to be alongside them as long as I possibly could.

"I asked you a question," Tony giggles, curling further into Mike's side. "And you completely zoned out on me."

"Feel free to ask it again." I tell him, giving a brief smile.

"I asked if you knew what you were doing for winter break." He says like it was the most obvious thing in the word. My happy feeling decreases at a rapid pace. I bite my tongue, eyes flickering to everyone in the room. All of them look right back at me, patiently waiting for an answer.

"Austin is coming down," I whisper, pulling my hand from Vic's and burying my face in my palms. "What am I supposed to do?!"

"Kell, c'mon, Austin will understand." Matty says, trying to calm me down. Not today, Matty. This is something bigger than all of us.

I look up, tears falling down my cheeks. "He won't though," I shake my head. "N-No, he won't. L-Look at my neck, guys! How do I explain this?"

"It'll be all gone by break, Kellin. Its only October 28th." Tony assures, and puts his hand on my knee.

"We're supposed to Skype tonight!" I fell onto Vic, and he just wrapped his arms around me tighter, murmuring sweet things while I cried into the fabric of his shirt.

"Makeup," Vic tells me suddenly, his body tensing against mine. "Why don't we just use makeup?"

My ears pretty much perked up and I threw my arms around him in a huge hug. "You're so fucking smart," I repeat over and over, kissing all over his face. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

“Whoa, Kells.” Vic chuckles nervously, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Calm down, a little, okay dude?”

“I can't help it,” I grin, my hands beginning to shake from all of the excitement. “You're a total life saver!”

“Well, it seems as though we need to go to the store, hm?” Matty smirks at us, and I realize that I'm all snuggled up into Vic's neck like some sort of lovesick puppy. I'd have to stop throwing myself at him like this.

“Uh, yeah. Lemme just run home and borrow some money from my Mom.” I tell them. I scoot out of Vic's arms, and stand up.

“Kell, I'd be happy to pay for it, its no big deal, really.” Tony smiles up at me from his spot perched in Mike's lap. Goddammit, they needed to stop being so cute together. And good-looking. And I needed to stop paying so much attention to others, when I needed to pay attention to me. Because eventually, I would look like that. I would have the twig legs, and skinny, toned arms.

'All in good time,' My own words bounced off the emptiness in my head, hitting all the important areas of my brain.

I shake my head. “Thank you so much for the offer, but I'd actually really like to see my mom and little sister.” I tell him, walking over to the Fuentes' front door and pulling on my Toms.

Tony raises his eyebrows at me skeptically. “I had no clue you had a little sister.”

I shrug. “You never asked either.” I shoot back, earning a grin.

“Touche.”

“I'll see you guys later,” I chuckle, tugging open the front door and stepping outside.

-&-

“Mom?” I call out, my voice echoing through the emptiness of the house. Well, at least it felt empty. It was cold when I walked in, probably because they were out doing something, or maybe they were still sleeping. Pfft, 'sleeping in' for my family was waking up at eight am. Not exactly my idea of a good nights rest, but hey, whatever makes Mama Bostwick happy makes me happy.

“Kellin?” Mom's voice calls, from what I'm assuming, is upstairs. “Kellin, is that you?”

“Yeah, Ma, its me!”

“Kellin Quinn Bostwick, get your ass up here NOW!” Is the reply I get. Jesus Christ, I'd never heard her say my full name like that before. And I sure as hell didn't like it. The tone told me that she clearly did not want to be fucked around with, and I needed to take her seriously. So I didn't even take off my shoes before sprinting off to the stairs, and up to the direction where I thought she was. She wasn't in my room, so I checked the only other place I could think of. Cassadee's room.

“Uh, Ma?” I ask, pushing the already cracked door open slightly, to find my mom holding Cass while she cried into her shirt.

“Where the hell were you last night?!” Mom asks, her eyes staring straight into my fucking soul. Her voice had decreased in volume, but the venom was still there, strong as ever. Piercing into me, death coming quicker and quicker every second I was held under her hateful gaze.

“I was at Vic's house.” I say quietly, suddenly finding a peaked interest in my shoes.

“And who is Vic? I don't believe I've met him. I'm assuming he's the one who did all that damage to your neck?”

I sunk my teeth into my lip. Shit. I had completely forgotten about that. Fucking excellent, Kellin. Stumble out of the house in the middle of the night, and come home covered in hickies. I just get smarter and smarter, don't I? “Mom, I-”

“Save it, Kellin. I want to hear you apologize to your little sister. She was worried sick about you last night. She says she saw you leave the house last night, and she was absolutely terrified.”

“Cass?” I say quietly, sinking down to the floor and sitting down. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

She looks up at me from her spot in my mother's arms with red eyes and sniffles. “I know you didn't, Kelly. Mommy told me you have problems...and I got scared when you started drinking again. I didn't think I'd ever see you again.”

“C'mere, Cass.” I say, holding my arms out for her. She squirms out of Mom's grip, and hops into mine, sinking into my chest.

“I missed you...I'm sorry I yelled at you, Kelly.” She mumbles into my neck. She smells like...well, me. To be completely honest. And when I look down, I find that she's wearing an old Ramones t-shirt of mine. As cheesy as it sounds, it was incredibly heart-warming.

“Its fine, Cass. I deserved it for getting drunk.” I tell her, looking up to Mom, who was now standing over us with a warm smile on her face.

“You're off the hook this time, Quinn. But, I think we need to have a little talk.”

I nod, and just allow myself to hold onto my little sister for awhile longer.

***

After Mom had told Cassadee that her and I needed to be alone for awhile, she went back into her room and started to play with her toys, like I knew she would. Mom closes the door and sits next to me on my bed. “What's up with you lately?” She asks, folding her hands in her lap. “You never drink that much, Kell. Never to the point where Cassadee can smell it on you. What happened at school yesterday?”

“I, uh,” I sputter, trying to form the correct words. How do you tell your mother you want to kill yourself? “Vic happened.”

“You still haven't told me who Vic is.” She points out. Jesus Christ, even the mere mention of his name has shivers running up and down my spine.

“I met him at school. He was friends with this guy who I was kinda friends with...and now we're all friends. And I like Vic and I'm pretty sure he likes me but-”

“What about Austin?” Mom interrupts, raising her eyebrows with a stern expression on her face.

“I was getting to that. I don't know what to do about him, and we're Skyping later, and he's coming down for Christmas break. I'm sorry, I've been meaning to ask you, but both you and John love him so much and I-”

“Stop straining yourself, sweetheart. You're running yourself into the ground. Yes, Austin can come down, but I would really appreciate if you told me about all of these, um, things on your neck?” Oh fuck, thank God for my mother. She knows exactly how to snap me out of these little 'moments' I dig myself into.

“Vic did it.” I reply bluntly.

“Did he now? And you doubt that he likes you?” She muses.

“I never said I doubted it, I said I wasn't one-hundred percent sure.”

“So you doubted it.” Oh, now she's just teasing.

“Dammit, Mom.” I shake my head, letting out a few loose chuckles. “I needed to ask you for some money.”

“What for?” She asks suspiciously. “You know I don't want you buying anymore cigarettes. You smell like it all the time and it'll terrify John and I's new friends.”

I laugh. “I'd try to stop if I could, but I can't, you know that. How many times have I tried again?”

“Thirty-three.” She answers, a smirk playing at her lips.

“All good things come in time, Mother Dearest. Now, about my money borrowing...”

“What are you gonna do for me?”

“I'll babysit. You and John can go out on a date, meet some people, make friends. Y'know, all that shit old people like to do.” I tell her, a shit-eating grin on my face.

“Kellin Quinn, I am not that old. Alright? Last time I checked, thirty-nine was pretty young for a mother of two.” She says proudly, patting her flat stomach. A mother of two and she has a stomach smoother than mine? Step up your game, Kellin, fucking hell.

“I admit, you're a gorgeous mother of two at that, but I need to buy some makeup.” I say honestly, smiling at my beautiful mom.

“So, not only are you gay, a smoker, an alcoholic, and depressed, but you'd also like to become a transgender? I think you have a little too much on your plate, buddy-boy.” Mom laughs, playfully pushing me a little bit.

I roll my eyes. “Not like that, Mom. I need to cover up my neck because if Austin sees it tonight, he'll come down and strangle Vic to death.”

Mom nods. “Good point. How much do you need?” She asks, standing up.

“I dunno,” I shrug. “How much does make-up cost? ”

***

After Tony, Mike and I had hit up the local beauty store, Tony decided that he was going to take Mike and I out to eat.

“Really, Tony, you don't have to do this for me. You can drop me off at Vic's again.” I mutter as we walk into the Italian restaurant.

“Nonsense, Kell.” Tony laughs. “I'd be happy to pay for you. You deserve it, after all.”

“I think you just want to flaunt around my purple neck.” I shoot back.

“Hey, at least Vic came up with a solution,” Mike defends his boyfriend, slinging an arm around his waist. “Besides, would Austin really freak out that badly? You could've always told him it was by drunken mistake.”

I shake my head. “He doesn't appreciate when I drink, so first he'd be upset about that. And wouldn't you be pissed if Tony came to you with a neck like mine?”

He peers over his shoulder, taking a good look. Me and all of my purple glory. “Okay, so you're right. I'd probably wring Vic's neck if I was in Austin's position.”

“Exactly!” I exclaim, as Tony pulls the door open for us. “And you're somewhat mentally stable. Austin would probably murder Vic, for fuck's sake.”

“Hey, no swearing in the fancy restaurant,” Tony scolds playfully, earning an eye roll from me.

“Didn't you tell the other two that we'd be 'back in a flash'?” I ask, putting finger-quotes around the words. So far knowing Vic, he'd probably be pacing all over the floor, and his face would get all red when he yelled at us for coming back so late. But the thing was, I didn't mind. I would most likely giggle knowing that he had worried about us (me in particular), and his eyes would soften when he looked my way. I would stumble into his arms and hug him, and say I was sorry. That's what I imagined would happen if I was with him, and not the love of my life.

“Kell, c'mon.” Mike nudges me in the ribs with his elbow, signaling for me to follow the hostess, along with him and Tony. But what he forgot, is that I had large, fully bloomed bruises hidden under my sweatshirt, so I contained my scream as I waddled after them the best I could without crying.

We finally sat down, and I immediately bit down on my hand as hard as I could to let some of the pain out.

“Kellin, what the fuck?!” Tony jumps out of his seat and pulls my hand from my mouth. “What the hell happened?”

“N-Nothing,” I shake my head and look down at the place mat, embarrassed that they'd caught me doing that. And I sure as hell didn't want Mike to feel guilty for nudging me, for fuck's sake. Normal friends can do that to other normal friends. It was my own fault for being so fragile. Mike didn't deserve any blame.

“Kellin,” Tony says sternly. Looking up to Mike, I found him staring at me with this horrified look on his face like I had some sort of terrible disease. It seemed like he knew. So I shook my head, signaling for him not to tell.

After all, none of them deserved the burden of having me as a friend. I was a piece of shit, and I needed to start taking care of myself. Because no matter what, the second I graduate, Austin and I will be somewhere far away from here, and we'll both be wearing a ring.