When Sadness Was the Sea, You Taught Me How to Swim.

*Kellin's P.O.V*

"Oh hey, Kells. What's up?" Vic smiles politely, allowing me to lead us back to his room.

"I just feel a lot better." I force another smile, sitting back on the bed, the slight groan it makes making me want to throw up everything then and there.

"Glad to hear it!" He gives me a content grin before throwing his stuff on the ground.

"Did you call your Mom?" He asks, shyly playing with the hem of his shirt.

I let out a chuckle. "N-no actually. Lemme check my phone."

I stand up again, reaching across the nightstand for my black iPhone. I grab it quickly and find that I only have one text from her.

~~~~

From: Mom
Where are you?

~~~~

To: Mom
Just a friend's, I'll be home in a few.

~~~~

I hit send and stand up. "I'd better be going, y'know. I have to watch my sister, I guess." I lie easily, before stretching down to tug my shoes on.

"Oh, uh...okay." He says quietly, looking at my hands.

"So, err, bye? Thanks for letting me crash here." I smile, just about to head out the door when he stops me.

"Wait!" He says suddenly, making me jump at his outburst. "Let me put my number in your phone, okay?"

"Oh yeah, of course." I smile, handing him the little black box.

He quickly types it in and hands it back. "Text me when you get home, alright?"

I nod, and leave, closing the door behind me.

•••

I opened the door of my little house, finding my sister, Cassidee, in the living room watching Spongebob.

"Kelly!" She smiles, jumping off her little chair and running over to greet me.

"Hey sweetheart, how was your night?" I ask, engulfing her in a loose hug and kissing her on the top of her little golden head.

We pull apart, and she shrugs. "It was okay...I got a new movie!"

"Aw! Lucky! Which one?" I ask, taking my shoes off and walking further into the living room.

Her golden hair bounces as she walks carelessly over to the tv stand, before picking up a DVD labeled, "Frankenweenie." I must say, I was impressed. I personally, loved that movie.

"Great choice, Cass!" I smile, shoving my hand in my pocket. "Where's Ma?"

"Kitchen." She replies, walking back to her chair and being sucked back into Spongebob.

"Thanks!" I say, starting to make my way to the kitchen, finding my mom making spaghetti.

"Hey, Mom." I say, slowly, not wanting to startle her.

She smiles, looking back at me. "Hey, Kell-Bell, so you made a friend?" She asks, turning her whole body to face me.

I nod, feeling an unexplainable lump beginning to form in my throat. "A few, actually."

She walks over and gives me a hug. "What about your anxiety?"

"Bullshit." I mutter, wrapping my arms around her skinny waist.

"Language." She hums, before we pull away and she returns to cooking. "I'm going to assume you were drinking last night since you smell like a strip joint."

I sigh, scratching the back of my neck. "You could say that..."

"Hungover?" She asks, reaching into one of the cupboards and pulls out a few of my prescription painkillers.

They were the circular red ones. The ones I absolutely hated taking. A few months ago, I had tried to commit suicide by taking the whole bottle of 120.

My wishes, obviously weren't granted, and John found me. My suffering just doesn't end.

"Yes, thank you." I say, taking the medicine and glass of water she hands me.

"I wish you would stop self medicating." She huffs, turning once again to give me a stern look.

"It's not self medication," I lie. "I'm not that immature."

"You sure about that?" She jokes. "Now go up to your room and sleep it off."

"Thanks, Mom." I say, giving her a gentle kiss on the temple before retreating up the stairs and into my room.

My room is at the end of the hall, all by itself. My mom swears that she can see a rain cloud hanging above it, but she's just being ridiculously sarcastic.

I push the door open before closing and locking it behind me. It was a weird habit of mine. I couldn't sleep anywhere without a lock.

I tugged off my pants for the second time in twenty four hours, and flopped into bed, taking my phone with me.

~~~~

To: Vic

Hey, just got home.

*Send*

~~~~

I sigh, and close my eyes, trying to drift off a bit, although I wasn't anything close to being tired. There really was no point in trying. I knew I would be up all night thinking. Or overthinking, I should say. That seemed like a better fit.

My phone buzzes and I pick it up, reading the message.

~~~~

From: Vic
I was starting to get worried, Kells.

~~~~

I smile slightly. Someone other than my mother and little sister cared. Although I was sure they only cared because it was their obligation as a family member of mine. I brushed it off though and appreciated how Vic actually gave a shred of a shit about me.

~~~~

To: Vic
Sorry /: I'm forgetful as fuck, I got here about twenty minutes before I texted you.

~~~~

From: Vic
I thought you had died. -_-

~~~~

To: Vic
Whatever, drama queen. c;

~~~~

He was even worse than Cassidee, I barely knew him but still. It was exactly like talking to a little girl at times.

I had to admit, Vic was adorable, and just my type, even if I wasn't looking and probably never would be again since I had found the love of my life.

Maybe it was the way his eyes just seemed to stare endlessly into mine, although they were dark, the put the possibilities of light and hope into my thoughts.

Whatever, I didn't care. I needed fuckin' sleep. It was only 4:00pm, but I didn't give a shit, I couldn't help it if I was a little sleepy. It was probably just the alcohol that was threatening to make another appearance and shake it's way into my already confused and slightly aching head.

•••

When I woke up, it was 3:00am, and I had a text from Vic.

~~~~

From Vic:
Nighty night, keep ya butthole tight.

~~~~

Really?

I laugh furiously, burying my face into my pillow to stop my eruption of giggles and squeals.

Finally, I knock it the fuck off and begin to think about school tomorrow. Things wouldn't be weird right? I mean, there was nothing to be weird about. Unless the guys asked why I was missing, but I assumed Vic probably told them already, right? God, I hate talking. To anyone really.

I ignore my stupid thoughts and get up, deciding to sketch a little until seven when I actually had to get up for school. So I'd draw for five hours.
I decide to draw the one image that's been burnt into my mind ever since I first saw him. Austin.

First, I begin by drawing the shape of his face. He's sort of ovaly, more so than me. So that's how I began to draw him.

•••

By the time I finally got done, it was fucking gorgeous and it only took four hours.

I had done everything perfectly, not to be bragging but this was the best I'd ever done. From the crinkles on the corners of his eyes to the faded freckles scattered along his forehead and cheeks. I shaded everything beautifully, from his tattoos, they were the only thing I colored in, except for his hair and eyes. I was awfully lazy and didn't want to color in the whole picture. He would appreciate any sort of effort I put into it, and I had put my heart and soul into this, so far.

I still had an hour, and I was desperate to hear Austin's voice, or at least read a single goddamn text from him. I'd do anything for him to forgive me. So I decide to write two songs for him.

I knew they would take me at least three hours, so I'd have to work on them during school too, not like I minded. This would have to be perfect.

•••

7:00am finally rolled around, and I hopped out of bed, tugging on dark gray skinny jeans, a black t-shirt and a navy blue beanie. And obviously a
pair of black Toms.

I made sure my door was still locked, and pulled out another box from under my bed. My weed box.

I pulled out my pipe and broke it down a bit before lighting it and taking a huge, well needed hit. I do this multiple times, and after four bowls, I'm just a little shitfaced.

I brush my teeth, sloppily and getting toothpaste on my pants, but I don't care. I rush out of the house, slamming right into Matty.

"Hey." I smile, dragging out the 'e' much longer than needed.

"Uh, hey? Are you alright?" He asks, giving me a smile.

"I'm fine, Matthew, I'm just happy." I smile even bigger, my words beginning to all sound like one long one.

"Alright, Kell." He smiles, giving his head a little shake as my phone vibrates in my pocket.

~~~~

From: Vic
Coming to school?

~~~~

To: Vic
Bet your sweet ass I am.

~~~~

I shove my phone back into my pocket and pull out my cigarettes and a lighter. I stick one in my mouth and light it and put the carton back into my pocket.

"God, you love to smoke, don't ya?" Matty, laughs.

I shrug. "What can I say, Matthew?"

He laughs again. "I can tell you're high, Kell. Your eyes are red."

I shrug again. "Shoot me." I drag out the 'o'.

"Maybe I will." He winks, giving me a smirk.

"Oh god, I didn't mean it!" I reply, beginning to panic. "Don't kill me!"

We walk to school in a comfortable stomach and Matty informs me that all the guys where skipping first to go sit under the willow tree. I nodded, agreeing to go, excited I wouldn't have to waste my high on stupid schoolwork.

I wander under the tree and smile when I find Mike, Tony, Vic and Jaime waiting.

"Wuddup doe." I smile, feeling hazy and give a small wink.

••••

*Vic's P.O.V*

That night, I missed Kellin a lot. It was starting to bother me. Not that I didn't absolutely love and cherish everything about him, because I did, it just struck me as odd that he barely gave me a sideways glance and I was still head over heels. The fact that we both had boyfriends wasn't exactly settling either.

I laid in bed, staring at the blackness of the ceiling wondering what I was supposed to do. I couldn't just tell Kellin I had a dream about him. Or about any of my dreams, really.

This one was odd though, instead of Kellin's all black attire, he was wearing entirely white. He had stood there, giving me a sad smile as blood began to seep through his pants and bracelets, staining both of them a bright bloody scarlet. He began to cry then, and started talking.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He repeated, putting his head in his hands and shaking it fast.

"Kells, it's fine. We all get a wound up, okay? I don't mind, darlin'." I had said, and for the first time, I actually got to touch him.

I had held him in my arms and we both just cried. I didn't mind the blood beginning to stain my clothes either.

That sounds disgusting, but in reality, it wasn't actually happening, otherwise I probably would have taken him to the bathroom to clean him up.

"Why do you do this?" I asked as he looked up at me with tearstained cheeks.

"I hate myself." He said simply, running his fingers over my wrist. "How do people cope without it?"

I smiled lightly, flipping his hand over to expose his scarred, and rather scary wrist.

"Vic, it's gross...I don't want you to see." He says, trying to pull his hand back.

"I love you." I had said quietly.

Then I woke up.

•••

I was starting to get nervous for school. I never liked it, or learning but Mike said everyone was skipping anyway, even Jaime and Tony. So I figured it would be a decent day and I wouldn't have to deal with stupid teachers or bad grades for a while.

After getting ready, I went downstairs to find Mike waiting as always, a cigarette in his fingers.

"I don't understand why you do that." I say, rolling my eyes slightly. "It's a bit gross."

"Kellin does it too." He points out, punching me lightly in the arm for emphasize.

"So? It looks cute when he does it." I huff, rubbing my shoulder where he had hit me. "And he's a teeth brushing enthusiast so he's always clean. Unlike you, sick fuck."

He laughs. "Whatever, Vic."

"Exactly."

Finally reaching school after two minutes of idle and rather awkward conversation, we sat under the tree waiting for the others.

Tony and Jaime came together, Tony immediately throwing himself into Mike's arms, kissing practically every square inch of his face.

"Jaime told me you got into a fight!" He squeals, wrapping Mike in a tight hug. "Are you okay?!"

I was pretty surprised by this, I knew my little brother had an awful temper, but he knew how to control it. I guess for once it got the best of it.

"Do I look okay, babe?" Mike asks, giving Tony a kiss on the nose. "I'm fine, sweetheart."

Tony grins and sets himself in Mike's lap, easily laying against him while Mike whispers in his ear.

Jaime and I, however, are not even close to being as cute. I'm sort of awkwardly being held by him, his arm slung around my waist pulling me close while my head rests on his shoulder.

I hear Matty's voice and Kellin's giggles, and it makes me happy to know he's actually laughing at something.

They appear under the tree, and Kellin gives us a lazy grin. "Wuddup doe." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Hi, Kell." Tony smiles, looking a bit confused. "Are you alright?"

"I'm wonderful!" He hums, dragging out the 'e'.

He was totally and entirely fucked up. And I really didn't mind.

"Kellin's had a bit of illicit substance." Matty smirks, raising his eyebrows when Kellin throws himself to the ground.

"All you guys are cute and in relationships and I'm just like, 'my boyfriends twelve fucking lightyears away.' It's not fair." He pouts, resting his chin on the palm of his hand.

"I'm sorry, Kell." Jaime says quietly, tightening his grip on me, like I too would soon be lightyears away.

We were all just sitting under the tree, having a great time, although Kellin was really different when he was high. I liked his personality more while he was sober, although I would love him no matter what.

"Someone told me Kellin's had quite the history of being a maneater." Tony smiles, wiggling his eyebrows at him.

"Oh no, Tony." He says, shaking his head quickly. "I don't eat men. That's illegal."

The other guys burst into laughter, but I only feel like shit and feel my stomach clench in jealousy and a bit of anger, maybe?

"He was asking if you were a whore, Kell." Matty clarifies for the fuzzy-minded boy while he sits cross-legged across from me.

"Oh, I don't know." He says, narrowing his eyes in concentration. "Am I?"

"From this, it sure as hell looks like it." Mike says, holding Tony's phone in his hand and reading off a list of what must have been at least twenty two names of different guys.

"Who told you that?" Kellin asks, beginning to stare at a leaf falling from the tree as it falls, sailing through gusts of wind.

"Someone I know who lives in Michigan around your old area. His names Jesse." Tony says, taking his phone back, because Mike's too busy chuckling about Kellin's slutty past.

"Little snitch!" Kellin laughs, a sound I definitely wouldn't mind getting used to."I'm glad I met Austin when I did, though." He smiles contently, even at the thought of him.

"Were you a player?" Jaime asks from beside me, leaning his head onto my shoulder, switching it around a bit.

Tony laughs. "Were you listening? These relationships lasted about a week each!"

"I like adventure." Kellin shrugs, not seeing a problem with dating so many guys. "But I've calmed down quite a bit, can we leave it at that?"

"Let's." I say quietly, picking at my fingernails.

"When did you and Austin meet?" Matty asks, setting his chin on his hand and staring dreamily at the sky.

"Eighth grade, at my first real party. There was booze and kush. Everything, it was perfect." Kellin begins, and I can tell this is a long story.

"He looked absolutely perfect, exactly my type at the moment, so I took a few bong hits and walked on over and we hit it off. He asked me out about a year ago." That was a lot shorter than expected.

"So you dated twenty two guys in ninth grade alone?" Mike asks, looking pretty surprised.

Kellin nods slowly, contemplating his answer carefully. "I was in a bad place, I guess."

Jealously seemed to flare inside me and I wondered why I didn't live in Michigan. A week of calling Kellin mine was all I could possibly ask of him at this point, although I'd kill for even longer.

"So you're not a virgin?" Matty asks, giving him a rather cocky smirk.

"Fuck, I just met you people." Kellin laughs, laying down and rubbing his stomach.

"Doesn't mean we don't get to know!" Tony pouts.

"I'm not." Kellin mutters insecurely. "Both ways. I've fucked a girl and a dude, okay?"

That was it. My temper began to flare inside me and I was full on furious, curious to know who has fucked Kellin. Obviously Austin, but I didn't mind that, from the way Kellin looked when anyone said his name it was like he was some sort of god.

"Cough slut cough." Mike fake coughs, causing everyone but me to laugh hysterically.

"Whatever." Kellin grumbles, sitting up and looking at us with those bloodshot eyes. "You guys asked."

"But damn!" Jaime laughs, tightening his grip even more on my waist like Kellin was gonna pick me up and take me right there on the spot.

"New subject! Uh, how tall is Vic?" Kellin asks, his faded over blue eyes flicker to me, causing what felt like a bolt of lighting pass through me.

"I'm 5'6." I say quietly, feeling even smaller than I already was.

I was scared now, what the fuck was this? I'm supposed to be confident and ask all sorts of questions, and hear that beautiful laugh again and actually be able to call him adorable and tell him I love him. To kiss his nose and try to cheer him up when he was down, which was a lot, it seemed like.

"Ha!" He grins widely, causing me to almost do the same. "I'm two inches taller!"

"Fuck!" I smile back, leaning into Jaime a little more.

•••

He kept his smile plastered on all day, not once letting it fall out. It was so unusual to see him in such a good state. Which, I know sounds bad, but it was so devastatingly true, his face would always be pale and gaunt. And his eyes would always look sad, no matter what kind of expression was painted across his practically Snow White skin.

"Kellin?" I had asked, when we were finally alone and his high was far gone.

"Y-yes, Vic?" He asks, turning around and giving me a small half hearted smile.

"Would you like to come over and watch a movie or something?" I ask, trying to be calm and keep my cool during this.

Because I was flammable and Kellin was burning. He was still in that shitty place that I had clawed and fought my way out of two years ago, and I was easily triggered and had minimal slip ups, which was fantastic in my opinion, but Mike wanted it end. Completely, over and done with forever. I knew I could never promise to that especially with Kellin around these days and his sometimes constant talk about Austin.

"That'd b-be awesome." He gives me a bigger smile that seems to warm my heart.

I knew how sad he was on the inside, and it really made me melt knowing that no matter what was happening, at least he could give me a smile. And that was all I dared to ask for right now.

"Let's go get Mike and leave." I smile, as he gives me a small nod an follows.

The hallways are practically empty except for a few stray people wondering but I finally find my stick of a brother and lead him and Kellin out of the school.

Kellin immediately lights up, as always and I notice he smokes more than Mike.

"Smoke a lot?" Mike grins, giving him a small wink.

"I guess s-so." He says quietly, taking a huge drag.

"Is that a toothbrush hanging out of your pocket?" Mike asks, laughing slightly, giving him a weird look.

Kellin's cheeks go the color of pink lemonade and he smiles sheepishly. "Uh, y-yeah."

"Why?" I ask, trying to be a little overly nice since Mike is so fucking annoying.

"After I smoke I like to b-brush my teeth, I guess." He replies, giving me a small shrug before averting his gaze back to the ground.

Once Mike thinks I'm not gonna be able to hear him, he leans down a bit and asks Kellin if he's okay.

"No..." He replies softly, sounding like he'd been crying.

"What happened?" Mike says, matching Kellin's soft tone perfectly, trying to soothe the sad boy.

"I just feel l-like shit." He says, sniffling right after.

"K-Kellin you're bleeding." Mike sounds freaked, so I decide I need to turn around.

"You guys have been quiet for-" I stop mid-sentence and 'bleeding' was a bit of an understatement.

Mike was holding Kellin's arm, while Kellin started to squirm. His arm is dripping huge drops of blood, all over the concrete as it gathers in a small puddle.

"I'm fine!" He says, doing almost anything he could to get out of Mike's grip.

"Vic, we should probably clean him up." Mike says, looking sorry for the black haired boy.

I nod, biting my tongue and holding back tears.

I was used to seeing Kellin bleed out like this, but it was nothing compared to knowing that this was real. This was reality and his arm was gushing blood through his bracelets. I wanted to gather him up, all the broken pieces and just hold him. And stroke his hair and tell him how much I loved him, and that he was beautiful, and he was one of the only things that ran constantly through my head. I clearly couldn't, but eventually maybe we might be able to happen.

I walk quickly over to them and hold Kellin by his other arm, Mike and I easily lifting him up, he couldn't have weighed more than 130 pounds...

"Kell, what's this from?" Mike whispers softly, even though I know that he knew too.

I told him everything about my dreams, he might have needed the clarification coming from Kellin that he actually did this to himself.

"I...I did it."