When Sadness Was the Sea, You Taught Me How to Swim.

*Kellin's P.O.V*

"Why would you do something like this?!" Vic asks, his voice is angry but he gently wipes the blood off my arm and tries to clean me up a bit.

"I-I don't know V-Vic!" I say, tears beginning to flow down my face. "I'm s-so sorry."

"Kells, it's okay." He says, standing up straight to be within my eye level. "Just tell me why you did it, okay?"

I sigh, nodding regretfully. "Uh...it's j-just my...p-parents, I guess."

He cocks an eyebrow while winding gauze cautiously around my gashed arm. "Parents? Why?"

I shift awkwardly on the counter, holding my shaking hands in my lap. "Mostly just my s-stepdad."

"What does he do?"

"He's j-just a dick."

"That's not a reasonable excuse, Kells." He looks at me with those glossy eyes filled with anguish. "It's obvious that there's more than what you're telling me."

I nod again, feeling the tense in my chest as I stare up at him questioningly. "I'm not really r-ready to talk a-about that."

He nods, and takes my hands in his, helping me off the counter and onto my own two shaky feet.

"Your hands are freezing." He points out staring thoughtfully at our now interlocked hands.

I smile, feeling butterflies arise in my stomach at his cautious touch, like he could snap me in half or something. "They usually a-are."

"Why's that?" He asks, pulling his hands slowly from mine before rinsing his hands off in the sink, which were thoroughly doused in my blood.

I shrug. "Dunno."

But I obviously knew, I could never tell him about the dark secret that haunted me at night. I got cold easily since I barely ate, the slightest wind could send me into immediate chills and shivers.

"Well, are you gonna be okay?" He asks, giving me a hopeful look, eyes pleading that he already knows the answer.

I nod, beginning to gnaw the inside of my lip raw. "Of course I a-am. What c-could happen?

"Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you won't hurt yourself?" He asks, determination in his voice, yet staring at me innocently.

I can't say I've never noticed how entirely gorgeous his eyes are...or him in general.

I look up, brown eyes meeting blue, and I nod and mutter out a quiet, "I won't hurt myself tonight."

"And if you think I won't check, I will, understood?"

"Understood." I reply sadly, knowing I would break my promise to the beautiful brown-eyed boy.

"Are you alright? Tell me the truth." He says, taking my hand in his and leading my back to his room.

"N-no, I'm not."

"What's wrong, Kells?" He asks, pulling me onto the bed with him and staring intently into my eyes.

"Vic," I whisper softly. "I don't l-like myself."

"What's not to like?" He shrugs sweetly, playing his hand on my knee in an attempt at comfort which succeeded rather dramatically.

"Fat." I mumble quietly, running my fingers gently over my thighs in embarrassment.

"Did you just call yourself fat?"

I nod, clearing my throat a little. "I a-am..."

I rip my gaze for his to stare at my knees, and his hand carefully rested there, making me feel guiltier than an atheist in church.

"Kellin Quinn, you are not anything close to being fat, do you realize that?" He says, placing his fingers on the bottom of my chin, tilting my head so our eyes meet.

"You're perfect, Kells." He tells me, kissing my forehead, and bringing his lips down to mine, and gently setting them meet to mine.

It was so generically sweet, and yet so different from anything I'd ever experienced from anyone else. It gave me such a feeling of comfort, and warmth which is something I wasn't used to feeling beginning to bubble up inside of my stomach, while my chest clenches up and I allow myself to fall into his waiting arms, just as I expected that he wanted me to.

I was right, and his arms easily slide around my waist, allowing his fingers to connect with each other behind my back as I wrap my arms around his neck and feel his tongue gently graze my bottom lip, quietly begging for something more than this subtle, although anything but average, middle school kiss that everyone seemed to be having.

I was easily subdued to his odd sort of charm that had me reeling on the inside the second I'd seen the more sensitive side of Vic, and a pool of jealousy for Jaime begin to gather within me, as his fingers slowly ran up my back tracing my spine.

"Beautiful." He mumbles, giving my lip a teeny nip before sliding his lips back to mine, and connecting his tongue back together with mine, running it all over my mouth while I sat and enjoyed every second of it, feeling so unlike myself.

It feel like there was so much more to me than these cuts and disorders that seemed to run throughout my body torturing my entire existence causing me to be an empty human vessel of nothing. He was opening these feelings and things inside of me that I wasn't used to, and I was letting him.

Never in a million years had I ever thought that someone as beautiful, caring and flat-out enchanting could ever find someone like...me so interesting and at least try and open me up a bit.To try to break through the shell that was my dark thoughts and very existence. To maybe bring the old Kellin back. The one who never cried, the same one who thought that everything could be mended with cuddles and a lack of pessimism. That had grown on me, negativity was my nature, and pain was the game I had grown to love dearly. And I no longer wished to be like this.

"Vic," I pull away cautiously, my eyes must have been as wide as saucers. "Austin a-and Jaime."

My heart began to race and I felt as though I might be sick as I sat in the arms of another boy, when I had constantly tried to convince Austin that we would never, ever split and I'd stay here forever, and eventually one morning I could wake up to him with a ring on my finger and him in bed next to me. And now I wasn't sure that would ever be able to happen after this, because I had majorly fucked up, and Austin wasn't exactly the forgive and forget type. This was terrifying me to the point where I could barely function.

I couldn't speak, or move and I had to just sit and stare at the wide brown eyes staring back at me while my heart began to cave in and the tears begin to flow out of the corner of my eyes while my breathing got faster and heavier as my death wish got bigger and bigger, as did my imagination.

"Kells, I...I am s-so sorry!" Vic says, releasing me from his grip and pulling his hands out from behind me. "Please forgive m-me!"

I stand up, practically falling onto the floor. And I wanted to, there was nothing I wanted more than to throw myself to the floor and bawl my eyes out. Even though slicing my fucking wrist open would cause and ease just as much pain instead of living with the ongoing scarring sting of a forever broken heart.

"I s-should go." I say, making my way closer to the door as the tears got heavier and my vision began to blur. "I...I'm sorry Vic. This i-isn't your f-fault, okay?"

And with that, I threw the door open and ran out, ignoring his pleas for me to come back to him where I would be safe. I knew I would be safe with Vic, but I didn't love Vic in the way I was so madly in love with Austin... I couldn't believe I had done such a menacing thing to someone who would give the the whole entire world if he could and I practically crushed his.

I hated that I had to leave Vic and lie to him, but I couldn't help the worthlessness that was crawling up my back and finally got to my ears after countless hours of waiting.

I wipe the tears out of the corners of my eyes, as I walked quickly down the street, as bright flashes of heat lightening glistened across the darkness of the sky.

•••

I burst through my bedroom door, now one hundred percent certain that I wanted to be killed. Feeling a sense of dread in my chest, I sat staring at my black notebook.

I don't know how long I had sat there, writing to my precious boyfriend. I knew it was going on thirty minutes, and I already had a page and a half, my two songs and drawing done for him. I re-read my letter over and over, desperate for perfection.

*The Letter*

Dear Austin,

What an awful way to start a letter, huh? For once I decided to stick to a tradition, and do something right for once. Well, this would be my second right, because you were my first. Nothing could ever compare to what you mean to me, or the feelings I have for you.

How the hell did you ever pick me out of every person in the school, all those people fawning over you. Honestly, I wish you didn't have to ever deal with me, in the end I knew how much heartbreak I would regretfully and unintentionally bring you, even if you were the best thing I had ever encountered, and here I am, giving you shitty news.

Since you won't text me back, this is all I can do. So here it goes, alright. I cheated. I fucking cheated, and all I want is to drop dead. So uncalled for and unnecessary of me, and after every single "I love you," you had whispered in my ear all those secret nights when you snuck into my house. When you tickled me so gently, as I laughed and you snuck kisses in the dark and moonlight. I'm already missing you so badly, even thinking these small thoughts is beginning to tear my insides apart.

I may be overly emotional, and extremely irrational at times. I swear, there is no doubt at all that I love you with every moral fiber in my entire body. I want to be with you again, if that unbearable asshole who tore me out of your arms and sent me to this hellhole of a state. All I ever wanted for us was to be be happy together, and I went and ruined it. It's only been a couple days, and I've been a complete fucking dick.

Austin, please. Just don't break up with me, anything but that, baby. What am supposed to do without you? You're the only thing keeping me alive as of now, even if you're the one that's been haunting my dreams and practically driving me crazy. I need you to call me. I have to hear your voice. I want you to feel better, I guess...whatever makes you happy I want you to do it, okay? Well, not anything awful. I know you won't, sweetheart. I'm being insecure, I'm sorry.

I miss watching you sleep, as creepy as that sounds. You're so cute...and I can't wait until I see you again. If you ever want to see me again. Please text me babe...

Love Forever,
Kellin

*End of Letter*

I feel like shit, writing something so awful on a piece of paper that I was going to be sending to my boyfriend. Fuck, Kellin, what was I supposed to do with this situation?

Sitting up slowly, opening my laptop and turning on the webcam.

"Austin-" I choke out, wiping tears from my eyes. "I-I am so s-sorry for doing t-this and I h-hate myself for I-t!

I...I deserve to die for d-doing something l-like that to someone like y-you. Shouldn't I-I be p-punished?" I let out a shaky laugh before continuing. "L-look at me. H-have you ever s-seen someone so p-pathetic, Carlile?

I can't d-do without y-you! This l-long-distance t-thing just isn't w-working out." I rip off Vic's nice bandaging and throw it to the ground.

"Because I r-really need you!" I begin to sob uncontrollably, bringing my hands up to cover my eyes. "W-what sort of l-life am I l-living if I don't h-have you in i-it? I don't h-have any f-fucking p-purpose!" I pull my hands away and run my hands quickly through my messy black hair.

"I love you...and I'm sorry. This is one of the songs I wrote for you."

I began singing the first song, 'James Dean and Aubrey Hepburn.' The acoustic version. Then finishing off with 'Stomach Tied in Knots.' before sending it to his email account.

After closing my laptop, I pull out my box, and begin to chose my blade carefully.

Sometimes, it's not the feelings you have locked inside, it's the ones you let go of. I had lost everything. Austin, my dad, and now my possible new friends? I was going to end up dead and alone no matter what, so I figured there was no point in trying to cover up the monster called depression that lurked inside me.

I felt entirely useless. Usually there was at least one thing that kept me going, and it was Austin. And he was going to be fucking gone. Out of my life. Forever.

My phone started to ring loudly, practically scaring me to death.

"Fuck!" I yelled, throwing my phone across the room, hearing it crack.

I didn't fucking care. It was an inanimate object, it didn't matter. All I needed was my fucking blades and I would be fine.

My thoughts were so wrong though. I really wanted to be 'saved', but no one would take such a risk. And Vic could fucking try if he wanted to, but I knew it was no use. I was too far gone.

Holding my biggest weapon of self-destruction in my hand, I place it carefully on my upper arm. I've never done it here before, I was a bit nervous although it was a good sort of adrenaline, like waiting in line for a roller coaster, or watching a scary movie.

I sigh, knowing I had fears much larger than this and I was just being over dramatic. What did I even have to fret about? I wanted it to hurt, I wanted to bleed out. What the fuck was holding me back?

Shaking my head gently and wiping a few more tears out of my eyes, I begin to push down hard and slide the razor into my skin.

I breath out deeply, feeling the pain-filled release as all my emotions seemed to gush through the single cut that would take awhile to stop bleeding.

"Fucking idiot." I huff, glancing over at my backpack and remembering the 'F' I had gotten on a test in American History and feel even more emotions of anger and hurt inside me.

I would keep it inside and when I felt ready, I could let it finally come out in my blood through an open wound.

Pulling the blade out of my new scar, I wipe it off on my pants as I place it next to the first one, ripping into myself once more.

Repeatedly. Over and Over. Back and Forth. Deeper and Deeper. Until satisfaction when my arms are scarlet and dripping with blood and my thoughts are deadly.

Sobbing uncontrollably still, I start panicking and decide I need to call someone before I know I'd attempt something like suicide.

I pick up my phone and quickly dial the number, not really knowing why I had chose the person I did.

"Hello?"

"Tony...can we talk?"

*Vic's P.O.V*

He fucking left me. And I fucking cheated. We both did, and I begin to wonder what I'm supposed to tell Jaime about the situation.

"Vic? I heard the door slam, you alright?" Mike says, pushing my door open a bit.

"N-no!" I say, feeling the tears beginning to well up and fall down my cheeks.

"Vic!" He exclaims, rushing into my room, and sitting next to me. "What happened? Where's Kellin?"

I let out a heavy sob at the mention of his name. "W-we kissed and he l-left me!"

Mike's eyes widen as he gapes at me. "What a-about Hime? And Austin?"

"I d-don't know!" I cry, leaning onto my younger brother and holding on with everything I have as he wraps his arms around me too.

"Shhh, Vic." He coos gently. "Hime will understand and Kellin will be fine, okay?"

"D-don't comfort me with lies, M-Mikey." I say into his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat to ease a bit of my tension.

"Kellin's a strong kid, okay?" He says softly, rubbing circles onto my back.

"H-he's not." I say flatly, maybe a bit too angrily, and it felt awful.

"How do you know?" He asks, pulling me off his chest to look him in the eyes.

"He'll h-hurt himself again." I mutter out softly as more tears slide down my cheeks.

Mike wipes them away. "Tony's on the phone with him right now, okay? He'll be fine."

My world seems to brighten up. Tony would never give up on anyone who needed help, and I know he was clever enough to talk Kellin out of anything he might want to do himself. Even though Kellin was so goddamn difficult, Tony was the best guy for situations like this.

"He...h-he is?" I ask, wiping more tears off my cheeks.

Mike nods. "He is bro...Jaime is here too, okay? I'll let him in." He stands up and begins to walk towards the door opening it, as a feeling of dread passes through me.

My crazy-haired boyfriend walks in, closing the door behind him and plopping down on the bed beside me.

"Do you hate me?" I ask quietly, taking a risk and making eye contact.

"Of course not." His mega-watt smile seems to light up the room. "Mike told me everything, it's fine. You coulda just told me how you felt, y'know."

"J-Jaime, I wasn't sure how to tell you and the-"

"Shh, Vic it's fine." He smiles, resting his hand carefully on my shoulder. "I...I am so sorry, I just...think we oughta break up."

"W-what?" I ask, and never before had I actually felt my heart crack in two.

"Vic, you deserve to be with Kellin, alright?" He says gently. "You're so in love with him." He gives a fake chuckle.

I smile. "He has Austin, Hime." I say, a bit venomously at the mention of his name.

"Calm down, Vic. He's still here for two years, things change."

As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. I would make Kellin mine.