When Sadness Was the Sea, You Taught Me How to Swim.

*Kellin's P.O.V*

Fuck shit.

Why was leaving the house so entirely awful for me? It was an escape, but from what?

I felt even worse since it felt like I had ten pounds of makeup caked all over my face, but I couldn't exactly go without it, could I? Walking into the school was probably the worst part, knowing that eventually one of the guys would see me and drag me relentlessly to the rest of their little posse. God, I really didn't want to be here. It was exactly as I remembered. Kids filled practically every inch of the hallway and the air was thick and smelled of cheap perfume and aftershave. It was just flat out gross to me.

Opening my locker, I felt a hand rest on my shoulder, causing me to flinch away in fear.

"Kell, it's me." Tony says gently, and removes his hand. "I didn't touch um...them. Right? If I did I am so sorry I-"

"Tony, it's fine." I interrupt, turning around, notebook clutched tightly in my right hand.

"So...how are you?" He asks awkwardly, closing my locker for me. "Were you sick yesterday?"

I shake my head slowly, carefully contemplating my answer. "I just needed a little...extra rest. Y'know?"

"Glad to hear it." He sighs in relief, adjusting his hat a bit. "You practically worried us all to death."

'He's lying to you.'

I mean, honestly. I barely knew them, they shouldn't give the slightest shit about me anyway. I was as good as dead anyways.

'He just wants the fat kid to shut the fuck up.' The voice chuckles, sending my stomach into knots.

I try not to cringe at the words, and I succeed. Like I wanted my 'friend' to worry anymore.

"No need to worry. I'm healthy as ever." I lie, flashing my best fake smile, one that seemed to work on everyone.

He looks unsure for a moment, before giving a brief nod and smiling right back. "Well the guys are right over here, if you wanna come over." He says, giving me a hopeful look, waiting patiently for my response.

"I..I don't think that's a good i-idea." I say, beginning to get nervous again, as I twist the spirals of my notebook around.

Jaime was going to be over there. Like he would ever want to see the person his boyfriend cheated on him with. If I was Jaime I would beat my ass. It just wouldn't be decent of me to go over there. I just couldn't...

"Please Kellin!" He pleads, giving me the puppy dog eyes. "They deserve to know you're okay."

But I'm not. Does he even see me? I guess a small visit couldn't hurt, right? Wrong. At least I had my sweatshirt on, and had my sleeves pulled securely over my hands.

"Sure." I say, smiling again through gritted teeth as I follow the taller boy through the crowds of people.

"Look who I found!" Tony says proudly, giving a large grin to his friends as they all smile at me.

"We missed you Kell," Jaime smiles happily and I make a mental note that he's the farthest away from Vic. "Where ya been?"

"Just n-needed a break." I say, doing everything in my power to avoid eye contact with Vic, who I could feel staring at me.

"Kellin, what's all over your neck?" Matty asks, standing up straight from his spot leaning against the lockers.

"N-nothing." I say flatly, pulling my hood over my head and sitting down next to Mike on the stairs as Tony takes his place in his lap.

"You sure?" Mike asks, tugging my hood off quickly before I can say and thing and tilts my chin up.

"Is that a makeup line?" Tony asks, eyeing me suspiciously. "You don't wear makeup, Kell."

"I k-know, I w-was just r-really pale this m-morning and I d-didn't want you guys t-to worry." I blurt out, crossing my arms across my chest and looking down at the ground.

"Did somebody beat you up?" Vic asks softly, and I made the idiotic choice to look up and into his eyes.

"N-n-no," The word rushes out before I have time to think about it, and my heart drops as all of them give me doubtful looks.

"C'mon, Kell. Let's go get that shit off of your face." Matty says softly, linking his arm carefully around mine. Did he really think that I was this fragile? I wasn't made of porcelain. I mentally rolled my eyes at the thought of my step-father easily tossing me all over. He must be some sort of body-building enthusiast. How else do you swing a morbidly obese person around a room? Let alone deliver a punch strong enough to knock them out. You'd think all the extra weight would keep me well-grounded...

"I'm f-fine." I mutter, pulling my arm easily out of the ginger's and staring at all my 'friends.' All of them are wearing unreadable expressions. "I'll get it off by myself."

"Are you lying?" Mike raises his eyebrows as he asks me. Fuck, what did he expect me to do? Flee the school? Well, I totally would if that was an option. I'd get my ass kicked if John came home from lunch to find me lounging on the couch. Or in my room. A lovely boot sandwitch would get delivered right into my front teeth. I need those, so I decide thatI'll stay.

"No." I reply blankly, my eyes flickering to all of them for a few seconds. Of course, they all remained as gorgeous as ever. Perfect hair, shiny white smiles, and let's not forget about those skinny, muscular, perfect bodies of theirs. I would be like that too, one day. Keep pushing, and you could bet your ass that I'd be there. Food is the enemy, Kellin.

Mike only smiles and shrugs in response. "See you after your done, then?"

"Yep." I force a wide smile before turning on my heel and making my way back through the jungle of a highschool hallway.

'Can't even hide a few injuries. Pathetic.'

"I know." I whisper miserably to myself. I really was just a pathetic maggot, to be completely honest with myself. I mean look at me for Christ sakes. I look like someone smashed my face onto a tray full of makeup, my sweatshirt was much too big, and I had so many suicidal thoughts it was making my head spin.

What was I turning into?

Feeling absolutely disgusting, I bolted for the bathroom, shutting myself in the stall farthest from the door. Throwing myself into a stall, I slouched down onto the floor, head hanging in front of the toilet as I shove my fingers down my throat. Barely anything comes up, just a bit of bile and watery mess. I was happy for that, and I almost felt entirely empty. I heard the door swing open, but I didn't care. Cramming my fingers into my gullet once more, I hear the door swing open hair as the vomit emits from me.

"K-Kellin?" Tony's scared voice echoes through the emptiness of the restroom.

"Shit." I mutter under my breath before popping two pieces of gum into my mouth and turning around.

"What's up?" I smile, pulling myself to my shaking feet, acting nonchalant.

"What the fuck were you doing?" He asks, making his way into the stall, locking it and standing against the door.

"I felt a bit sick, so I figured I'd better get to the bathroom." I reply, giving him another smile even though I really just wanted to punch myself in the face for letting him find out.

"So you made yourself throw up?" He inquires.

Shit. Are you fucking kidding me? My smile fades away as I sat staring at him, while he stares right back. "I thought it would make me feel better."

"And did it?" He asks skeptically, seeing straight through my lie.

"Uh, sort of. I guess," I reply nervously, picking at the hem of my sleeves.

"Hmm." He sighs dreamily, staring at me with concern filling his eyes. It was like he was mentally putting together a puzzle. "What's the last thing you ate?"

"Celery, I think." I mutter regretfully, tugging my sleeves further down my arms. Its best not to take any risks. "That's good, right?"

"Is that the only thing you've had?"

"Uh, yeah. That's all I've had all week." I answer, shrugging it off as though it was nothing.

"Why?" He questions, rather skeptically I might add.

"I dunno." I shrug once more.

"You know why, Kellin." Great, he's doubting me now. Ugh, I don't blame him...All I do these days is lie.

"I'm on a diet." That was a reasonable excuse, right?

"I can see your bones through your shirt." He sighs, adjusting his hat a bit. "You're small enough already, there's no need to starve yourself."

"Who said I was starving myself?" I point out, trying to point a hole in his logic.

"Unless cigarettes count as a meal, I've never seen you eat anything."

I scoff and act like I was just blowing off his suggestion. "I don't like eating in front of people."

"Why?" Enough questions. Jesus Christ.

"Social anxiety." I reply, sounding embarrassed. That actually was half true. If I ended up eating in front of them, I reacted like World War Three was about to break out. Of course, the logical side of me knew that wouldn't ever happen. But, my anxiety still forced me to believe it if I even touched a single bite of food.

"Why were you wearing makeup then?"

"Because I looked pale as fuck."

"You still are," He forces a smile. "Tell me the real reason."

"I have acne," I say nervously, beginning to chew on the inside of my bottom lip.

"Can you just tell me?" He frowns, eyes wide and glossy.

And all of a sudden, I can't breathe. My stomach clenches and I feel my eyes welling up with tears. I feel like I'm drowning.

"I..I d-don't like m-myself, Tony!" I cry out, throwing my head into my hands. "W-why won't i-it stop?!" Tears are flowing freely down both of my cheeks as I sat sobbing.

"Oh, Kellin..." Tony says softly, scooting over and wrapping his arms around me. "You'll be okay, sweetheart."

"I d-don't deserve t-to be tr-treated so n-nicely."

"You deserve the world, Kellin." He answers in a soothing tone. It seemed to calm me down.

We sat in a comfortable silence for who knows how long. An hour or so? Which was weird, I will admit, but nice. It was great to just...get away from it all.

"Tony, can I tell you a secret?" I ask, looking over to him.

He offers me a small smile. "Of course you can."

"I want to kill myself."

His face contorts from happiness to fear in a matter of milliseconds. "Why would you want to do that?"

"You were happy before I came along, right?" I ask another question, hoping to gather a bit more information.

"Well, yes, but-"

"Then you'll be fine without me." My lips somehow found the strength to form a smile.

"We all care about you, Kellin." He says softly. "Don't do it."

I take a deep breath, and the smile still hasn't abandoned my lips. "This life is a nightmare."

"Kell-"

"Stop, Tony." I interrupt him again. My eyes are welling up with more tears at this point.

"Why are you saying things like this?!" He says, all of a sudden frantic. I never wanted him to fall in a state of hysteria. Never.

"I'm looking out for you," I mumble, pulling my bangs out of my face. My stomach tenses and I rest my head on the Turtle's shoulder. "I care about your feelings more than mine."