When Sadness Was the Sea, You Taught Me How to Swim.

*Kellin's P.O.V*

"H-hello? Kellin? Kellin! Are you there?!" Austin's frantic voice fills my ears. Each word another harsh knife dug deeper into my chest.

"I'm h-here, sweetheart." I tell him, crossing my legs in front of me. I acted like it was some sort of protection. But there was no way to guard your heart, was there? "Hold on f-for one second, okay?"

"O-Okay..." He trails off, making it seem like I had abandoned him. Oh wait, I had. He's my heart, my soul. My everything. I left all of it at home, and now I was an empty vessel with a torturous cross to bear.

I look over to Tony, a pleading glint in my eye. "Can y-you excuse m-me for l-little bit?"

"I wanted to hear, Kell." He says, frowning. "I wanted to be there for you."

"I'll t-tell you everything l-later, I p-promise." I chew on the inside of my lip, watching as he leaves, and waiting until I hear the bathroom door shut until I speak again.

"Aus?" I ask into the phone. "I'm b-back."

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that gorgeous voice of yours. I thought you were actually gone, and I felt so awful and I-" He pauses, very, very abruptly. It put me even further on edge than I already was. I expected the worst immediately.

"Y-you what?" I ask. Tears were building up in the corners of my eyes now. The lump in my throat wasn't going to go away any time soon, either. It felt as though I already knew was he was going to tell me.

"I cheated on you t-too." He says, and I can tell by the way his voice is quivering, that he started to cry. It was like I was going to start crying too, but all emotion just sort of...stopped.

I feel flat, dead, numb. Of course. Out of all of the emotions that could have struck, I got empty. Not anger. Not misery. Okay, whatever. Yes, I was miserable. So miserable, I couldn't even feel anything. It was the worst kind. Where you feel hollow. Every hurtful word the other person was saying to you bounced around, trying to find a way out. But they couldn't. They'd echo inside of you everyday. Ringing in your ears, implanted in your heart. Reminding you of everything that you're not.

"It was just some...ginger kid. It didn't mean anything. Oh, fuck, Kellin I'm so sorry." He tells me. Its not like I can't hear the guilt in his voice. Its probably just the wow-factor.

"Oh," I say, looking down at my knees. It felt like he was sitting right in front of me. "Aus, don't cry. Its...its fine, really. Okay? Don't cry. Can I, call you tomorrow, maybe?" I hear him sniffle.

"Y-you hate me, d-don't you, baby?" He asks, his voice cracking. "I b-bet you wish y-you'd never even m-met me."

"Don't say things like that." I say, pulling my body closer together. "Its okay, alright? I'll call you tomorrow."

"I love you." He tells me. "I love you so much, Kellin."

"I...I love you too." I gulp. "Goodbye, Austin." I say, pressing the big red 'End Call' button.

•••

It had been thirty minutes since my phone call with Austin. I hadn't moved a muscle. Except for my breathing, blinking, and the beating of my broken heart.

The door creaked open.

"Kell?" Tony's voice echoed through the bathroom. "Are you still in here?"

I didn't answer. I didn't feel like talking anymore. Oh, shit. Was I about to go into another silent stage again? One of those mental states where I was too shocked, too heart-broken to speak.

"I'm h-here." I said. At least I was able to talk decently. I remember once Austin and I had gotten into a fight about John, and I couldn't talk for two weeks. No matter how hard I pushed, my voice didn't work. Even after the both of us had apologized.

"You've been in here by yourself for an entire period, Kellin. Are you okay?" He asks, and I see his feet standing directly in front of the stall door.

"I'm f-fine." I grumble, standing up and brushing the dirt off of my jeans. "W-what time is it?" I walk out of the stall, probably looking like hell. But I don't care. I had good plans for later, at least.

"Who cares?" He asks, giving a playful wink. "We have to go!" He grabs me by the arm, and pulls me right out the door.

"Where are we going?" I ask stupidly, shoving my phone back into my back pocket.

"To lunch, duh." He laughs. I absolutely adored his laugh. It was almost rare, sounded like a school girl's, and was so utterly cute I wanted to roll off of a cliff. Tony was so incredibly charming, I understood how crazy Mike was for him.

"Its that late?" I ask. I was surprised I had managed to keep my jaw from falling to the floor. Jesus fucking Christ, had I really been in there for that long?

"Yep." He replies, pushing open the heavy lunchroom doors with ease. "You're telling me about that phone call. I want all the deets."

"Deets?" I laugh, wondering whether or not I should roll my eyes. I decide against it. "What are we, twelve year old girls?"

"No, we're gays." He pouts, dragging me along the lunch tables. I scan each table, the people sitting at us giving weirder looks than the last.

"Yes, gays. Not girls. We don't have to be feminine." I point out, chuckling.

"Whatever, Kellin." He mutters, shaking his head.

Great. Good fucking job, Kellin. Look at what you've done. He hates you now, just because you have to go overly-logical about every single thing under the fucking sun. I should just go back into that bathroom and smash my head into the mirror.

"Kell?" Someone is waving a hand in front of my face.

I blink. "Uh, w-what?" I ask, shifting uncomfortably. I find myself face to face with Matty.

"You okay?" He asks, eyes laced with concern.

"Perfect," I say, looking over to Tony. I wondered what he told them.

"Glad to hear it." Matty grins, sighing out a breath of relief. "Tony told us you felt sick and stuff."

"Well, I'm o-okay." I say, eyes flickering around the table.

Tony had already claimed his seat next to Mike, then Matty...Jaime was on the other side, closest to me, then Vic. I had to sit by Vic. At least I was by the wall, so I could lean into it and further away from him. I made my way to my seat, and plopped down when I got to it.

"Not hungry again, huh?" Mike asks, looking down in front of me, noticing my lack of food.

"Just worried I m-might throw it back u-up." I try my best to explain, and be convincing. And after years of practicing, I've finally managed to have them exactly where I want them.

•••

After school, I was planning on running straight home. Until Mike and Vic caught me at the door. I didn't want Cass to be there, or my Mom. I knew that John wouldn't be, he was always late coming home from work. Lucky me.

"In a rush?" Mike laughs.

I shake my head. "Uh, n-n-no, just w-wanted t-to go l-lie down." It was starting to get to me. I was getting weaker. It began to make me feel guiltier and guiltier when I lied to their faces. However, at lunch I didn't give a shit. Why was that? Oh, I know. Because I know I need to lose weight. They would agree with me.

"Still feeling sick?" Vic asks. I look over to him. He has this sort of glint in his eyes, its drawing me in. The same one that was there when we kissed.

"Y-yeah." I frown, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Well, will you let us walk you home?" Mike asks excitedly. Jesus fuck, he was practically bouncing all over the sidewalk.

"Uh, i-if you w-want." I shrug. Who knows? This could be the last time I saw either one of them.

"Which direction do you live in?" Vic asks quietly.

"R-right over here." I say, jerking my head in the direction of my house. "Its n-not too far." We begin to walk, and at first its really awkward and quiet. No one says anything until Mike clears his throat.

"Who were you on the phone with?" He asks, turning to get a better look at me.

"When?" I ask, obviously playing dumb. I wasn't that idiotic, I knew better than to tell him the truth.

"Well, after a couple hours Tony came out of the bathroom and said you had an important phone call." He tells me, pulling some hair out of his face.

"I d-did, but its n-not a big deal." I say, shrugging.

"It was Austin, wasn't it?" The air got tense.

"Yeah," II sigh. "It was Austin." At least I'm not nervous anymore. No stutter for this pale introvert.

"What did he say?" Mike asks, reaching over to grasp my hand in his. I give him a small smile, a quiet way of thanking him for the comfort.

"He cheated on me, too." I say, biting my tongue. I try to draw blood, but it hurts too badly. So I try my lip.

Mike goes to say something, but Vic beats him to it.

"I'm really, really fucking sorry, Kellin." He says, looking down at his feet. "I shouldn't have kissed you."

"Don't apologize, I kissed you back." I say. "And besides, even if we didn't kiss, Austin still would have cheated."

"I know...I'm just really sorry."

Finally we've reached my house, and I stop. They do, too.

"This is my stop, guys." I glue on a smile. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Totally," Mike grins stupidly. "And hey, stay strong, alright? I don't wanna see any more of those gashes on your arms."

I nod, clamping my mouth shut. I give a small smile to Vic, who only waves, and then him and Mike are on their way again.

I walk up the few stairs leading up to the front door. Shoving my key into the lock, I mutter two words. "No promises."

Luckily, the door swings open easily. I push my way inside, to be greeted by empty Miller Lite bottles fanned out across the rug, and the smell of cigarettes lingering in the air from this morning.

"Home sweet home." I roll my eyes and make my way to the kitchen. Each step feels like a hundred pounds, and it dawns on me that this could possibly be the last time I'd see the light of day. Or have a cigarette. Witness Vic's smile, or hear Austin's voice. All of it could just be wiped away so easily. Effortless to me, if I knew what I was going to do, and made sure it would work.

I pull open John's liquor cabinet, and pulled out the first two bottles I saw.

Hours later, I was only half drunk. Slurring to myself, mumbling and stumbling all over the house. I didn't take alcohol amazingly. Sure, I could drink it just fine, but certain brands, or kinds, it got me really bad.

"Kellin, are you okay?" Cass asks, tilting her head.

"I'm perfect, Princess." I say, leaning down and kissing the top of her head, almost falling and crushing her in the process.

"Did you talk to Austin?" She asks.

I nod.

"I just want you to be okay!" She frowns, closing her eyes. "Why do you love him so much?"

"I don't know, beautiful." I get down on my knees to her level. "I'm sorry." I try to hug her, but she dodges me.

"Don't touch me!" She yells, running to her room and slamming the door.

"Kellin!" Mom calls up the stairs. "What's going on up there?"

"Nothing!" I reply, walking back to my room and pulling out the rest of my bottle.

•••

I was stumbling around the neighborhood, my hoodie drawn tightly over my shoulders. I had snuck out through my window. Now I was wobbling around, going wherever my instincts told me to go. Then there was a door.

I knocked on it, probably more times than I should have.

"What the fuck, Kellin?" Vic asks, rubbing at his eyes. "Oh shit."

"Kellin, you've been drinking, haven't you?" He asks, giving a small frown. "You're gonna fuck up your liver."

"I d...don't give a s-shit about m-m-my liver." I managed to get out. How? I'm still wondering.

"Why did you drink so much?" He asks, tilting his head to the side a bit.

I decide to keep my mouth shut.

Maybe it was the fact that I was embarrassed? No, definitely not that. Drunken Kellin certainly didn't get embarrassed. Especially not in a state like I was in now. Sober Kellin, and Alcohol-filled Kellin were definitely polar opposites.

Vic sighs. "Come on inside, you look like you've just been hit by a semi-truck." He ushers me inside, gripping onto my forearms and tugging me up the door stoop.

"I...I feel l-l-like I h-have."

"Kellin," Vic says, dropping down to untie my shoes. "What happened?"

"M-my heart h-h-hurts." I bring the sleeves of my hoodie up to wipe my eyes. "H-he said h-he was in l-l-love with me, Vic. W-We were s-supp-supposed to get m-married!"

He tosses my shoes on top of a different pair, which I assumed were either his or Mike's.

"This isn't a perfect world, Kells." He tells me. His hand reaches for mine, and I take it, desperate for any comfort I could get. I don't think I've ever hurt this badly before. "You're too good to let people treat you so terribly."

We clamber up the stairs, him behind me and guiding me up the best he could. I'd already fallen several times, and pulled two or three picture frames off of the wall while trying to save myself from falling again.

"You need to be a little quieter, okay?" Vic keeps telling me, his hands getting a little too close to my ass. Not that I mind.

"I...I c-can't." I mumble, leaning into him as he pulls us down the hallway and into his room.

"Are you sleepy?" He asks, helping me onto the bed and into a comfortable position.

"Yes," I slur, closing my eyes and pulling the comforter over my neck and shoulders.

"Do you want to wear-" I never got to hear the rest of what Vic was saying. I had fallen dead asleep in a flat ten seconds.