Fighting Feelings

Sarah P.O.V

Lets just say there have been better weeks than this last one. Its been one week since Fifty's party and I haven't spoken to Marshall, I have only spoken to Fifty to tell him I really enjoyed it, even though I was lying to him.

Marshall has tried calling a few times but since I have the boys this week I have been declining, knowing that this week is all about being a mother and waiting for next week to turn back into that insecure lonely woman, he referred me to. I know I said for him to forget about it when he tried apologising, I just didn't want to hear all the excuses he would have come up with. So instead I have decided from now on I am only going to focus on being a mother, my career and getting over any issues before I head straight back into the spotlight.

I guess I really don't know how to feel about what happened last week with Marshall, there was one side that just wanted to hate him and forget about him, than there was the other side that feels sorry for him and already forgives him on his actions, since it would have been really hard for him to be there that night and not give in to taking the drugs.

My manager has recently been on my back about going back into the spotlight, she thinks since i am going to release another album at the end of the year that i should get back to showing my face around and that I have had enough time off. She doesnt know a lot about my insecurities, she just knows that i have some but she doesnt understand how deep they go, so that means I have to continue dealing with these problems alone, but I'm not going to let them win, I will overcome these dam issues one day I just need to continue working them out.

"AGAIN!" my dance teacher Marrissa screamed as soon as we finished like our fifth reheasal of singles ladies. My manager has it in her head that i need to fix my body and dance moves before I release my album, somehow she already knows that I am going to have dance beats on it.

" Can we take a break?" I huffed trying to catch my breath while looking back at the other dancers who also looked dead. This has been my normal routine for the past couple of days, when the boys go to school I head here to my dance studio/ music studio.

" Fine, 5 minutes max" Marrissa replied looking very annyoyed that I even asked her to take a break, since she is friends with my manager Christine she also thinks we are all robots and dont need water breaks. I feel sorry for my backup dancers, they have to go through all this torture just so i can get fit an get a better body, but as i am looking at them they seem pretty distracted and excited about something.

" whats going on?' I asked walking over to them after seeing them mucking around, luckily they dont seem that bothered about doing on this dancing for not apparent reason, it was just to satisfy my manager Christine.

" one of the girls just saw Eminem outside the studio" one of the girls giggled, looking all excited like a school girl who has just been noticed by the popular boy. As soon as I hear his name I start to wonder why he is here? Why has he come to see me? For an actual second I actually start to believe he is here for someone else like one of the back up dancers, since they are more his type and more the age he goes for.

" OMG there he is, I wonder why he is here?" another dancer said as they all turned to the entry door, still giggling like teenagers, well i guess they are still kind of teenagers compared to me, since they are only in their 20's. Turning round and following their gaze, I quickly spot him standing there looking straight at me, before giving me a quick nod to follow him outside. I guess he is here to see me and not one of my younger dancers. I have to admit it does feel kind of good hearing all the girls getting a tad jealous when they realise he is here for me, but making my way closer to the doorr I spot my manger in the corner giving me the evil eye.

" 5 mins I promise" I muttered before leaving the studio. I could tell she was angry but honestly she couldnt physically stop me from seeing Marshall if I wanted, which I kind of did, sine I am wondering why he is here at my studio.

" This is a surprise" I stated after following him outside to the back balcony to get some more privacy, because knowing my manager and my backup dancers they will love to know what is going on between us.

" you haven't been answering my calls, so i thought if I came round you wouldnt be able to decline me" he said while turning back to look at me, he kind of looked a tad sad and a bit tired like he hasnt gotten any sleep, but i know that not becuase of what happened between us last time we saw each other, it was probably becasue he has been having fun nights with all his groupies, maybe he even caught up with Claudia again.

" I wasn't doing it on purpose, its just between having my boys and these dance rehearsals I havent had much time to myself." i tried explaining even though I was lying a bit. I have been declining his phone calls saying to myself I will call him later on, but always forgetting to do so.

" you dont have to lie Ashley, I dont blame you if you never want to speak to me again, i just need to make sure you know how sorry I am for the way I treated you the other night. " he apolgised, I can hear the true sincerity in his voice and he honestly sounds like he is really sorry for it, i guess by that and the way he looks sad there is no reason to suggest he is just playing me, and besides what is the point of him playing me, he gets nothing out of it.

" I forgive, besides you were right about a lot of things you said" i replied, sadness coming over as i thought about the things he spat at me that night, for these last couple of days I havent been able to stop thinking about what he actaully said to me and I guess he was right about me being so insecure about myself and having so many problems that I do tend to push myself into other peoples lives just so I dont have to deal with them.

" Noooo Noooo Nooo" he qucikly said stepping closer to me so he was only inches away. I dont think he actually realised that his hand went around my waist and gripping it softly. I think he just wanted me to stop talking and to make sure I listen to him.

" I didnt mean one word I said to you when you came upstairs that night. I promise you, your not a miserable, boring woman" he queitly said, placing his hand under my chin so I was looking at him and not down towards the floor,which has become a common thing for me these days. I seem not to be able to look at someone in the eyes.

" But you were right about me being insecure and lonely." I said watching the sadness become more clearer in his eys, i honestly didnt realise how big his eyes were until I was standing this close to him and gosh if he didnt look down right when he did I would have defiantly gotten lost in the beauty of them.

" I know your having problems at the moment with your insecurites, but i had no right to use them agaisnt you and if you are lonely your not alone. I have come to realisation that loneliness just comes with the job" he said looking back up towards me, I couldnt help but smile at how much he is trying to make up for what he had said, and since it was his frst mistake I couldnt stay mad at him any longer and besides a lot of things he said were quite true.

" what about if I give you these as well, will it be enough for us to move on and forget about the other night" he joked, while grabbing somethng behind him with his other hand. My smile grew even bigger when I saw that he had bought me a pakcet of Tim Tams, I have no idea how they fitted in his back pocket, or where the hell he got them because you can only get the real orginals ones back home in Australia, but somehow he has managed to not just get me Tim Tams but my favourite ones also.

" Ffity, told me they were your favourite, so i got one of my friends who is touring down under to get me a packet. " he said, probably watching the smile appearing on my face and my whole mood changes within seconds. You have no idea how much I love Tim Tams, there are shops over here that sell them but they just dont taste as amazing as the ones back home.

" You did this all for me" I questioned, a tad shocked that he has gone to so much trouble. I still can't get over how much he is trying to make things right. Maybe Fifty was right about Marshall, Maybe he is just really misunderstood.

" yeah, besides I got some for me aswell since I wanted to know what all the fuss is about and lets just say my girls have already gone through about three packets"he added, obvisuouly trying to play it cool and trying to not make it sound like he was a complete loser for doing something sweet like that. I know a lot of guys would be to embarrassed to do something nice and considerate like that, and I cant just tell it is something Marshall will probably not want to be realised or linked, since it is showing another side to him, instead of his more angry volient side that Eminem seems to show.

" They do get addictive" I commented, making us both laugh a little. It was either he had totally forgotten that his hand held onto my waist and his body was only inches away or he did know but didnt want to let go. To be honest I had forgotten he still held onto me as we both talke queitly about his new obsession with Tim Tams, i just felt comfortable in his arms which is really weird for me, usually I get self conscious being this close to someone and start freaking out, worrrying about dumb stuff like, is there something on my face? or does my breath stick? stupid things like that which usally ends up me not making contact with them while I talk or looking away when I speak to them, but just standing here with Marshall being so close to me I kind of began to feel the opposite of self consicous, I began feeling confident about myself.

" They better not be for you, Ashley" we heard from the side of us, Marshall quickly letting go of my waist and both of us taking a step back and making space between us. Knowing straight away that the voice from the side was my managers Chritine. It is like we both have just been caught making out by our parents, standing here looking very awkward and guilty.

" No, Em just wants to know if I can pass them onto Fifty but since I am not going to see him for a while, its better if you take them with you" i said quickly, trying to come up with something that she will believe luckily I am good with words. Passing them back over to Marshall while trying to tell him mentally to play along, luckily he got the message straight away.

" good, cause we both know they'e not part of your diet" she said stepping forward and giving me a really stern voice. She is controlling me and I am being some deffensless little shit who cant seem to stand up for herself when it comes to her Management team. I can see Marshall just staring at me in confusion.

" What diet?" he asked, wondering what is going on here and Why my manager is refusing to allow me to eat Tim Tam's.

" the diet that is going to help her get that amazing figure" Chistine replied quickly smiling over at me, obviosuly not wanting me to explain or mention any thing about it and that she will handle it. Just by her voice you can tell she doesnt like Marshall and doesnt like him being here, at the start I thought he wasnt even going to pickup up my diet or even give it a second thought but as I look over at him, he is just staring at me with sadness and also with shock.

" What about the amazing figure she has now, its like perfect" he said, glancing at Christine than back to me and looking me up and down. He is so stunned to find out that my manager has put me on a diet to lose weight, when there is really no weight to loose, but once again feeling Marshall stare at my body and hearing him say such a nice thing, I cant help but blush at his comments. Here is someone I dont really know standing up for me, when I dont have the confidence to do it myself.

" I dont believe in the word Perfect, there is always something that can be improved" she spat back quickly, hearing them both mutter to each other. I can hear an argument coming on but at the moment I cant even look Marshall in the eyes, becasue if I did he will notice the tears forming in them. I hate that chrisitne feels there is always something that needs improving about me and I know her judgements are one of main reasons I have lost all confidence within myself. Her judgements and trying to improve me mixed with my Exs high expectations and negavitve comments were just the things that shot my confidence down and made my insecurties rise, they were the reason I hate myself and my body.

" your're just looking on the outside, always trying to make her look better. Maybe you should start looking at her as a person, than you might realise she is perfect exactly the way she is. " he muttered rudley at Christine, I can feel him glaring at her and I could tell she isnt impressed by him being so open about his feelings. At this stage I look up at him not caring that I am on the verge of crying, I am surprised to see him looking back at me.

" Maybe if you accept the fact that she is human and she has flaws and problems just like everyone else, than you might realise there is no need to change anything, all you need to change is your thought, that she has to change" he commented quietly not once dropping eye contact, I cant believe he just said those nice things, and the fact that he is here standing up for me not caring what anyone thinks.

" you have a right to your opinion, but I also have a right to think you opinion is not really valid since you dont have the best reputatuion " she replied angrily. I couldnt believe what just came out of her mouth, she seems to be getting nastier day by day. Just looking at Marshall I can see her come back has hit him hard/

" Christine go back inside now, I will come back when I am finished" I yelled, basically turning her around and shoving her back towards the door. I dont even want her near me, I dont want to even look at her.

" sorry about that, Dont listen to her she is just an old Nag" I said soflty while walking back up to him, hoping he understands how sorry I am to have my manager say those nasty comments. If only i could fire her.

" Its not your fault, you have a bitchy Manager. Besides I am more worried about what she is doing to you" he replied, lifting his hand and soflty wiping the tears that seemed to have escaped, his touch was so gentle and only gave me butterflies.

" Why dont you..know.... Fire her" continued softly, there are so many reason why I should but there is also so mant reasons why I can't/

" It complicated, I'll explain it to you later. You never know she could be listening" i joked, allowing us both to laugh and let the tension settle a little bit.

" Fine, but I'm holding that too you. How about you tell me all about it over Dinner on Friday." he said taking a step back like he is getting ready to leave, obvisoly he doesnt want to stay and get me in any more trouble.

" are you asking me out on a date" I asked, quiet stunned over his proposal and how quickly the atmosphere had changed between us.

" i guess I am, I promise nothing fancy just two people having a relaxing dinner. I know a place about 20 mins away, where we can go without being seen. I go their all the time" he said, smiling hoping I am going to say yes. As much as I try to think of any negatives or reasons not to, there is nothing that comes to mind.

" sure, Dinner on Friday sounds good" I replied, watching as the smile appeared even more. He seems queit happy that I said yes and to be honest I am looking forward to it too, since I havent been out for so long.

We only speak for a couple minutes longer, soon forgetting the small argument Marshall just had with my manager. I convince him to take the Tim Tam's back home to his girls since I know Christine will freak if she see them again. Seeing Marshall today have the courgage to stand up for me, just makes me even more determined to get my confidence back so one day that can be me standing up for myself, instead of needing a man to do so.

I am quiet excited for this Friday even though I have no idea what kind of night it is going to be, is it going to be hell romantic and like a full on date? Or will it be more like two friends having dinner and catching up. In true honesty I dont care what kind of night it will be or where he is taken me, all I know is how happy and confident I feel when I am with him, Feelings I havent felt in so long and will do anything to have them back.

When I arrived home, I was surprised to see something on my door step, Firstly I thought it might be something for my sons but than I realise it was the Tim Tams that Marshall bought for me today, I cant believe he took the time out to bring them to my house, how considerate. Picking them up with a smile growing on my face as I looked at the packet, than seeing the note attached to it.

Ash,

Accept you body the way it is. Your unique and beautiful

You don't need to be a certain way to,

Be yourself

Enjoy!

Marshall,

P.S I'll text you some time tomorrow to arrange what time I will pick you up on Friday.

As hard as tried I just couldn't get my smile to disappear, where had this side of Marshall come from? Last time he couldn't stop saying nasty things, now he is saying or this nice, positive things to me like he has had a complete mood change, but hey I can't complain all I have wanted these last couple of months is to feel good about myself and I do when Marshall is around.