Fighting Feelings

Ashley p.o.v

" Ashley you're on in 40 mins" my stylist sandy told me quietly while knocking on my door indicating I'm due on tv soon to do some stupid interview.

I hate what I'm wearing, well I don't hate the outfit I just hate how it looks on me. Once again my insecurities are running high and my self esteem seems to be shot down. Right now I'm standing in front of a mirror taking the piss out on me, planting every mean comment I can think about myself. I hate how insecure and self conscious I become but I just can't seem to pull out of it. So instead I just keep hooking up with random dudes because I know for one night they are going to make me feel good about myself even if it is just to get in my pants, for this one night I might not hate myself as much.

I know I spiralled down hill since Marshall left, I know we weren't technically anything but friends who fucked but I still remember the way he treated me and how he actually seemed to care about me. All his passion and kindness was really making me feel good about myself again and getting my confidence back, but when he left to go back to Kim that's when I realized I wasn't anything special and he just used me for sex. I'm not good enough for him and I never will be, that's why he chose to go back home. He liked having sex with me and using me, but that's about it.

Looking back I can't get over how stupid I was to actually listen to his sweet comments and words and actually believe him. He manipulated me to thinking I wasn't as bad as what my ex made me out to be and that I could do so much more without Christine, but now I know they were all lies just to get me Into bed and hooked in his little scheme.

Which of cause I fell for this, That's why I'm standing here broken hearted knowing tonight is going to be another I fuck some random, just to take my mind of Marshall and for a few hours feel better about myself.

Marshall p.o.v

Having the issue of Kim and I was finally out and working it self out as we speak. We didn't hold back on telling our kids and it's been nearly a month later and things were still working it self out.

Kim and I finally accepted that we aren't good for each other and now we are both trying to work on ourselves before we even think of talking and becoming friends again.

But it's not like I have time these days since my album was finally out everything was happening.

" so have you spoken to Ashley yet?" Royce asked following me as we walked through my studio. Ever since I stupidly told him that I ended things with Kim and want to fix things with Ashley he has been on my back non stop, making sure I stick to my word.

" no like I said, she isn't answering my calls and is refusing to speak to me" I explained sadly knowing I've tried Ashley a few times but only get her answering machine and Christine's irritating voice telling me she doesn't want to speak to me.

I can just imagine now the things Christine is probably brainwashing her with about me and about things in general. But clearly she doesn't want to see me, and as much as I hate it I should respect her privacy.

" so, try again Marshall! Try a different approach" Royce said looking quite stunned I have just given up like this. Trust me I usually would do everything I could to speak to her, but since I have already hurt her like crazy I don't want to do add fuel to the fire.

" look Royce. I tried okay nothing else I can do. So drop it!" I yelled not noticing how angry I sound until the words leave my mouth. You would think Royce might get a little frighten, but not once does he flinch.

" fine I'll drop it! But I'm pretty sure your giving up to easily and I don't think it's because you just can't get her to listen, I know there is another reason" he just replied before beginning to walk away. I took a few seconds for me to even absorb his words but after I did, immediately I Become curious to what he's trying to say.

" what do you mean there's another reason?" I ask before he's able to get to far away from me. I want to know what he means, because even I'm aware I keep giving up and making every excuse up in the book just so I don't have to face Ashely.

" I just think your afraid. Your taking the easy way out of having to deal with your feelings." He just answered before turning back around an continuing his way towards the studio where his group slaughterhouse were hanging waiting for me.

Hearing his theory I start to see where he came up with it and what gave him the impression that I'm still afraid To admit how much I actually like Ashley, that's why I'm not doing everything possible to find her and talk to her.

Maybe he's right, maybe this was me trying to run away from my feelings and fight them. Yeah I like Ashley but it does scare me to think about us actually being together properly and all the drama we would cause. Besides she's way to good for me, she probably doesn't want anything to do with me me after the way I treated her. So I should just forget about this whole situation and move on with my life like I should be doing, I should stop worrying about some singer who can have any guy she wants, yes she might be going through a rough spot, but if you look at the magazines she is being spotted with every male model you can imagine, so I don't think she's going to want anything to do with me after experiencing better things.

I can't blame her, if she has a choice between coming back to me or sleeping around with young male models of cause she's going to pick them, look at them. They can probably do so much more for her and probably satisfy her in places I just can't.

Before I could work with slaughterhouse I knew I needed a few moments to get my emotions out. These days I'm like a fricken sad puppy and I know I needed to release these emotions before I can go in there and become the hard ass Eminem that I need to be. So walking quickly I make my way into my office and hop on the computer for a while.

Now I might not be a wizard on the computer but I do know how to work the internet and get on to google.

I quickly type Ashley's name into the survey like I do every day and head over to the news section where I'm able to read the latest headlines about her.

I know it doesn't give me much comfort constantly seeing articles and pictures of her looking so sad and exhausted but I just need to know what's going on with her, even if it's bad.

Today I'm quite surprised not to be bombarded with pictures of her leaving clubs in skimpy outfits, today it's just articles about her concert last night in Philadelphia and how well it was. However it does still show me images of her leaving with that model Jordan by her side. I'm aware that there relationship was fake, but since everything has happened I'm not quite sure anymore.

This is all my fault, her sadness, exhaustion, insecurity and hurt has all doubled because of my stupid actions. How could I be so dumb an arrogate to push away someone like her, when all she ever did was genuinely care about me. Right than I realize what I need to do.

" Oi, do you and Charlotte Want to accompany me on a little trip?" I quickly asked Royce after storming out of my office towards him standing by the food machine. I think he's quite shocked at my sudden eagerness for a holiday and sudden offering since I did just go angry at him.

" umm yeah..... Where to but?....." He answered not knowing what to say or how to act. I think he's pretty convinced this is some kind Of joke or something since I'm usually not into making sudden plans, but since I don't have my girls this week, why not. So I began trying to find Paul's number to organize me a hotel room

" Philadelphia " I just answered while trying to get on to Paul so he can organize the private jet and shit. I know Royce and his wife need a little vacation and since I need company on the flight over, and some girl advice from his wife Charlotte, Than why not ask them to tag along, I'll just organize a private suite for them as well.

" what's in Philadelphia ??" Royce asked curiously while watching me frantically trying to get ready knowing I want to leave straight away without any hassle. It funny how much my pride has changed but After reading those articles on the internet and thinking about Royce's comments, I knew what I have I do.

" Ashley is" was all I said before storming into my office knowing Royce is smiling behind me. All he wants me to be is happy and he has witnessed how much Ashley makes me smile. I know it's not going to be easy especially with the entire world watching, but I knew even if Ashley hates me that much and she never wants to see me again at least I can say I tried and for the first time went after something I really wanted that didn't have to be about hip hop.

The first challenge was actually getting into Philadelphia and into the hotel without being noticed, the second challenge is also trying to do all of this while lying to Paul saying some billshit about me wanting some time alone, and last the third challenge was getting time with Ashley so I can speak to her without her mean and bitchy manager finding out I have travelled all the way to Philadelphia for Ashley.

Royce p.o.v

Finally he's taking a chance and doing something spontaneous. If you know Marshall you will know he's very OCD so this is really out of the ordinary for Marshall.

I'm still baffled over how fast Marshall can get things organized, within hours of deciding to go we are on the plane about to arrive in Philadelphia. He hasn't given us the exact amount he's going to be here for since Ashley is here for a while and the fact that he has his kids next week I know it will only be one week tops, which is nice since my wife Charlotte and I never get any time off away from the kids, but luckily I've got an amazing mother and father who just love minding their grandchildren for a couple of days.

Looking at Marshall, you can see he's nervous. After getting some advice from Charlotte He hasn't spoken much on the way over here and the fact he can't stop biting his nails just shows me how much he is nervous and scared to show up on her doorstep like this.

I don't blame him for being nervous I would be to, but it's still nice to see him doing something really out there like this. I know here tends to stay with what he's used to even if he's not happy because he's not good with change, but witnessing him becoming so eager to see Ashley just shows how much of an impact she has left on him.

From the start I knew it wouldn't last long with Kim, and I began noticing the cracks starting to appear in their relationship when Marshall would always come to work In Trackies and look like he hasn't slept all night and not because he was up having sex all night, it was like something was on his mind bothering him.

When I started to notice him drifting of while staring at a wall, well that's when I knew Ashley was on his mind. You can just tell when someone is thinking about something important or something was bothering them, and well the whole thing with Ashley was eating at him all the time, and his worry for her really started to take a toll on Marshall.

He never knew what to do or how to act whenever someone spoke her name, instead he would just leave the room and try to act busy when the guys would discuss her, but secretly making sure to say in hearing area so he can listen in on them.

Marshal p.o.v

As always the weather was over cast when we arrived at the hotel. Luckily Paul fell for my excuse and quickly organized for security to get me to my room without anyone bothering me. Of course Royce and his wife quickly scrambled to their suite and I probably won't see them until we have to leave, but i don't care I just came for one thing.

So I have to time this really well, I can't just rock up to her apartment I have to figure out when's she's going to be there and when Christine isn't going to barge in.

I know for sure she doesn't have a concert tonight and from what fifty was saying she's just hanging in Philadelphia until she has to head back home, so I'm hoping she's relaxing by herself but if the rumors are true she probably isn't.

Sneaking up to her apartment, I'm dreading knocking on the door and her answering it and rejecting me.

So luckily I remember the key she once gave me when we planned to meet up after some gig I had close by last time I was here.

Instead of knocking I find myself quietly opening the door making sure not to make to much noise. Maybe I'll have time to sneak in and set up some romantic dinner with roses all over the place to show how I'm sorry.

But when I hear a noise coming from the lounge area which is basically in the next room that's when I know that dream is over and instead of some romantic dinner I'm now being faced with seeing her having sex in the room.

I didn't jump out of the corners and yell surprise like I should have, instead I'm lucky I got a warning glimpse of her through some mirror on the wall, allowing me to stay behind a corner and watch from the hallway.

Now I know you can call

Me creepy but I swear I wasn't expecting this to happen, I wasnt expecting to walk in on her and some guy and I wasn't expecting to be so caught up and shocked that I couldn't seem to turn round and walk away. Instead I find myself standing here watching as some guy roughly pushes Ashely all over the lounge room trying to find a good spot.

" oww" she hissed after he pushed her against the piano not caring how hard he was doing it, instead just keeps opening her blouse and putting all of his efforts into trying to get it of her.

Giving up he just leans down and starts sucking hard on her breast. I can tell by the way she hissed it was hurting her but she was to afraid to say anything and just keeps allowing him to have his way.

Where the fuck did she get this guy? Yeah he defiantly looks like a young model but by the way he's treating her, he doesn't give a fuck about anything other than himself.

Within in seconds he had gotten bored so he roughly turned her around so her back was against his chest, allowing his hand to slide into her panties deeply invading her.

" fuck.... Can you be more gentle" she commented having to grab onto the piano just for support and move around a little just to make it more comfortable while he tries to get her ready. Of course he thinks this is all fun and games and pulls her hand back on him making her rub his hard on knowing he's not getting any pleasure.

" fuck.... You like that don't you!!!!" He moans thinking all this roughness and dominance is actually turning her on. But as I study her posture and face I can tell she isn't enjoying it one bit. Now I know Ashley likes it rough sometimes but trust me this wasn't just rough sex between two eager people, this was some guy using Ashley just for his own pleasure.

Noticing a tear slide down her check that's when I knew it's gone way to far and I couldn't stand back and watch her being treated so badly or even be with another guy when she should be with me. I think I would have been more jealous and hurt if I had walked in on her having passionate sex and seeing her really enjoying herself, but after witnessing this and how she didn't care how guys treated her I realized I had caused more damage than I realized.

Knowing it's gone way to far and has gotten way out of hand I take one last breath before i begin to move closer ready to make my appearance.

Ashley p.o.v

Standing here while this model Trevor I think his name is, tries to get me wet by using his fingers is making me less turned on, seeing he absolutely sucks.

It's not that he sucks he just isn't really caring or putting effort into making me feel good, he's just doing everything possible to get me ready so he can move onto the actual sex.

We met only a few hours ago at some lunch thing, during the event he seemed really caring and nice but it's like as soon as he got to turned on by my flirting and me teasing him he began to get rough like he was punishing me for it.

I guess I'm so used to being treated like shit these days, sex like this is normal for me and I just keep going along with it even though I'm not getting any satisfaction.

" tell me how much you want me" he whispers into my ear knowing my body is starting to respond to him. Tears began to flow not knowing how it's gotten to this stage, not knowing how my life has become to fucked up that I'm having meaningless fucks with randoms a couple times a week.

Pressuring me to answer he pinches my nipple hard knowing it will make me speak but just as I'm about to i hear a door slam from the foyer.

" Marshall!!!!!" I yelled getting a surprise to see Marshall storming towards the lounge room.

" what the fuck dude" my sex buddy Trevor angrily yells while taking his hand out of me noticing Marshall has fully walked in and interrupted us. Looking at Marshall I can see the anger straight away, but I also can notice the hurt and sadness in his eyes as he leans down to turn of the music which is blaring around my apartment.

" you better get your clothes and get the fuck out of here before I physically drag you out myself" Marshall angrily ordered throwing his t shirt at trevor showing him how much he wants him gone.

Trevor looks at me hoping I'm going to stick up for him, but as much as I'm angry at Marshall and embarrassed I wasn't really enjoying myself with Trevor anyway, so it's another away of getting rid of him quickly.

" fine, it's not like your anything special anyway" he muttered after Noticing he's not wanted, before quickly stuffing himself back into his jeans grabbing his stuff and shooting me a deadly glare before storming out of my apartment. I don't think he actually realized who Marshall was, and who just basically walked in on us.

" what the fuck was that Ashley!!!" Marshall yelled losing his temper after the guy left my very silent awkward apartment.

" what the hell is your problem. You have no right to be here" I spat back, covering my exposed body feeling self conscious standing in front of him like this, even though it was only a few months ago we would spend majority of our days naked. For some reason I just feel so insecure around him now but I don't know why, maybe it's more embarrassment and being ashamed Of what he's just witnessed.

" so the rumors are true than?" He rudely muttered towards me making me feel more ashamed, but I know I can't show Marshall how much I hate what I have become so I know I have to be this firm strong woman like everyone expects me to.

" you have no right to judge me" I just answered trying really hard not to burst out in tears while I'm trying to find my clothes. The rumors were true and at the beginning it was nice to see a few different guys, but after a while I started hating it and hating myself more but like you just witnessed I still seem to do it.

It's not about the sex, it's just about the loneliness that seems to quieten down while I'm having sex but as soon as they leave the loneliness kicks in again making me fall asleep thinking about what life would be like if I hadn't become Ashley Ann. I know for sure I would probably still be married and not have people using me 24/7.

I guess Marshall could notice the sadness and how ashamed I feel because he just seems to stop yelling at me.

" here" he calmly said while passing me my dressing gown that was sitting on the couch in front of him. I can tell he's not as angry as he was when he first walked in.

" what are you doing here anyway Marshall?" I asked still very irritated that he just walked in like he owned the place and owned me. Why isn't he back home with his amazing perfect family enjoying being all together again.

" you won't answering my phone calls and I needed to see you" he just replied looking down at the ground when saying the last bit, showing me he's more insecure side.

" Marshall, Kim doesn't want us to see each other and I'm trying to respect her wishes and so should you" I just answer, sadness tingling through my body knowing I cant have Marshall and that some other woman has his heart. Not talking or seeing him these last three months I've started to realize how much I actually do care about him more than just a friend.

" we decided to end things for good" he said softly. As soon as I hear him say that I feel disgusted in my self as Marshall shows how much he's like everyone else.

" and let me guess you came all the way over here hoping we can kick of where we left things...... Well just to let you know you can Fuck of because that's not going to happen" I spat storming past him beginning to clean my apartment and put things back in place, knowing Trevor wrecked a lot of things. I can't believe he actually expects me to jump back into bed with him just like that after everything that has happened.

" i didn't come over here to have sex with you Ashley. I came to talk that's all" he said getting quite worked up over this situation. But I know Marshall and I know that's total bullshit.

" Marshall as if you weren't thinking about getting off!!! I know you , I know what your like" I yelled storming towards him and how him how angry I am. Of course he was expecting to charm me over and get me back into bed where he can satisfy himself.

" Well come on than... Fuck me!!! " i yelled even though we are inches away. He just keeps staring at me not moving even though I'm basically offering myself To him. The hurt seemed to heighten and it couldn't help show as realization started to hit me and how much I have become a slut.

" come on Marshall!!!! It's not like you haven't used me before" I continued ranting on while tears are escaping allowing anger and sadness to completely takeover my body causing me to start hitting Marshall's chest while getting more and more worked up. Not once does his finch or even take a step back, instead he just stands there allowing me to take all my anger and sadness out on him.

" just fuck me, so you can hurry up and start ignoring me again" I whispered so he barely could hear me. Within seconds hurt and sadness has completely taken over causing me to completely start crying in front of him as he grabbed my hands stopping me from hitting his chest even though they were very weak and soft. Instead he just pulled me into his chest allowing him to hold me as I continued crying my eyes out. Not once did he seem to stop me or push me away as I continued crying, even when my body became weaker making me slide down to the ground. He just followed my steps holding me close as I sat on the ground leaning against the back of the sofa with his arms around me.

I have no idea what has gotten in to me, but it's like for these past three months I've been dogging my feelings and ignoring them, but seeing Marshall again has just made them come to surface and my more vulnerable, insecure side started to show. I don't feel like I have to be someone else for Marshall, even though he has been using me like everyone else. I don't seem embarrassed crying in front of him even though I hardly let anyone see Ashley Ann cry.

" why Marshall, why did you do it" I asked looking up at him trying to see through my glass eyes, knowing very well the past three months the same question has kept running through my head

" Ashley, she's my first love, mother of my child. I did it because I thought It would be different, I thought it would be like it used to be" he explained sincerely, but not really understanding me question.

" I know you would have done the same with your ex husband" he continued on. I know he's right, there has been multiple times when my ex husband and I think this time round is going to be different, when it turns out exactly the same.

" I'm not angry at you for that, I totally understand you wanting another shot with Kim and I respect that. I'm just angry and upset at how you started ignoring me like that and how you basically threw me out like I'm a piece trash" I said trying to make him see I'm not upset that him and Kim wanting to get back together. Just the way he kicked me to the curve made me see how many people actually care about me and actually want to be friends with me

" Shit...... Ashley" he whispered, dropping his head in guilt and barely being able to look at me.

" I never meant to treat you like that, and I know the way I handled things with you was incredibly immature And mean....... And you have no idea how guilty I feel" he continued whispering softly surprisingly apologizing for all the things he did to me.

We literally sat for few hours on the ground, he didn't mind that the majority of the time I spent crying my eyes out in front of him. He just sat there comforting me and apologizing over and over again for what he did to me and how he treated me like a piece of shit.

" I miss you..... I miss just talking to you about things and hanging out like we used to" he said after I had finally got my crying under control and everything. Without a doubt I missed him as well, I never really confronted my feelings for him and just continued to fuck others to get him of my mind which isn't usually me.

" I missed you as well." I just replied softy before Getting up and walking towards the kitchen knowing I can't stay on the ground crying forever.

Im still not sure what Marshall was hoping to achieve by coming and seeing me but without a doubt I am grateful to finally be able to yell at him an tell him what he did was mean and stupid. But seeing the sadness in his eyes I'm pretty sure he's already aware of how mean and cruel he has been and that's what he wants to fix between us.

Marshall p.o.v

I defiantly wasn't expecting this, I wasn't expecting walking in on her fucking some other dude and the jealous feelings that came with it and most importantly I wasn't expecting to see how sad she actually is.

For months I thought she was upset because of me leaving her for Kim, but seeing her today I finally figured out that she's only upset and hurt over the way I treated her, which is far enough, even I can't really think back to the day I basically threw her out like trash because all this guilt rumbles in the bottom of my stomach.

Today I was hoping to come and fix things between us and spend a few days just being with her, but I guess I'm pretty stupid to actually think just an apology is going to fix the pain she's going through.

No it's going to take a lot more than that, but I'm not leaving this room until It does and until I know Ashley is happier than she is.

" I want to work things out between us ash..... I don't want to head home without knowing you understand how sorry I am, for everything I've done" I said, sitting on the lounge beside her. I can't help but look at her and see the tears that have dried up and smudged her makeup, even so she still manages to look amazing as ever.

" I know you're sorry Marshall..... But it going to take a lot more than one night to fix the pain I'm feeling." She replied softly, leaning forward and placing her hand on my knee. How the hell did I have the stupid courage of treating her like shit, she's so soft and boutique which isn't usually my type of woman but I just seem to see perfection in Ashley, she's everything I've ever wanted.

" I know and I don't care if it takes months and months..... I'm never going to stop making it up to you" I said, placing my hand on hers and softly squeezing it. We stared at each other for a few seconds, and it's like we both know that we wanted to fix this and step into a new chapter and no way are we willing to head back into the past.

So that's exactly what we did, we seriously spent all night sitting on the exact lounge trying to work this out between us. There were some stages where we got fired up and maybe argued about a few things, but like I was hoping we always managed to fix things.

I think the sudden interruptions by her manager eased the tension that was building up from tiredness. You see she came in a few times to check up on Ashley so that means I quickly had to hide her in bedroom while Ashley lied constantly about what she was up to.

Luckily her manager never got suspicious, the one thing that I hated hearing was the encouragement Christine was giving Ashley about sleeping with more younger randoms, clearly from what I saw earlier Ashley hasn't been enjoying it, but that still doesn't startle Christine she's just willing to do anything to get Ashley in the headlines.

" don't take this the wrong way, but I really think you need to get away and figure some things out Ash" I commented while we are both making pancakes after spending the majority of the night talking and figuring a few things out.

I think we only got a few hours sleep which happened only because we fell asleep together on the lounge.

I don't want to sound bossy or sound like I'm judging her lifestyle she has going on these days , it's just I can see she isn't happy with who she is and what's she's doing.

" I know I do........ That's why I'm planning on booking a flight back home today, hopefully me and the boys can leave in a couple of days" she smiled, this is the first time she's mentioning anything to me about it, but I'm really glad she's decided to get away for a while.

" what brought this on?" I asked wondering what made her think about traveling back home since Christine has been trying to get her to do more performances here in America.

" you did actually" she smiled softly, turning round to face a shock and stunned me. I have no idea what I could have possibly done for her to make this decision.

" after you walked in on me, that's when I started realizing that I've more issues to figure out and that I'm not just hurting because of what happened between us. I guess it's something's that's been brewing up for a while, and now I just have to sit back and work out what I want to do with my life...... I really think going home and seeing my family can help" she explained to me.

Truly I'm quite stunned but seeing her determination on her face just shows me she's not going to back down. I think she's known for a while how unhappy she has been with herself and now she's finally taking a chance and dealing with her problems. I just hope Christine doesn't do anything to jeopardize Ashley taking a step forward in becoming a better person for her and her sons.

" I'm really glad to hear that, and I know going home and seeing your family will help" I answered, pulling her Into a hug and gently squeezing her, trying to show her no matter what I'm not going to walk away his time and I'll be here for when she needs me.

While eating breakfast she told me more about her plan, how she's going to head home and not take any of her entourage with her including Christine, she's hoping spending time with her family might even inspire her to write a few songs for her album.

" so what happens now.... You know between us" she asked nervously like she's scared of hearing the answer. I know we have just spent all night working through the issues I had caused, but hearing how excited ash is to going home and hoping It helps her figure shit out I just knows this changes everything.

" I really think you need to work on yourself before we even begin talking about us...... You just need time to figure things out alone" I replied, taking hold of her hand from Across the table, studying her face I can't seem to figure out how's she's feeling or what she wants to do, but I know it's hard for me to say this to her

" you're right, I need to work on myself for now. " she smiled, sadness coming over me knowing this might change everything. As much as I want her to work on herself I can't help but feel unhappy and sad knowing she's still not mine and knowing I can't help her like i want to, it's something she has to do on her own.

For few more hours we talked about a few things and I even helped her book a flight for Sydney.

Before I left we agreed she would call me when she gets home in about four weeks and not to worry about each other.

It's going to be an anxious time waiting and wondering if she'll call me or if she's has decided not to follow things through with us. Which i know I can only blame myself for. When leaving I think I honestly was more sad and alone than when I first arrived, knowing I'm walking away and heading back to Detroit still not quite sure what's happening between Ashley and I. There's no doubt I will constantly be thinking about her and wondering if she's with another guy.

It's not only Ashley who has major trust issues to get over, it's also me who seems to think negatively about everything that passes through my life and thinking about Ashley it scares me knowing we may never be more than just a collaboration.