Fighting Feelings

Marshall p.o.v]

Death! That's all I could feel as I stormed down the hospital corridors. People are looking at me recognizing me straight away but I don't care about their stares I just need to see her.
As I finally make it to where I was told to go I see Christine standing against the wall talking on her phone as always.

" Kane" I said spotting him straight away after entering this little tiny waiting room, he had his he's buried in his hands as the tears continued to flow.

" Marshall" he said, removing his hands away from his face to look up at me, this is when I really saw how upset he is and how terrified he looks. I just couldn't help but wrap my arms around him trying to comfort him

" have your heard anything?" I asked, needing answers to ease my concern and worries but by the look on his face I could tell it was bad.

" no, Christine has been on the phone the whole time and no one will tell me what's going on. I don't even know if she's alive or dead" he yelled angrily, you can tell he was getting frustrated being left out of the loop like this. I would be to if something happened and no one bothered to fill me in.

" it's going to be okay. I'll find someone who can tell us" I reassured trying to be calm and cool so he doesn't freak out but deep down I'm about to breakdown as well. I can't help but shake and clench wanting to know what's going on.

" have you called your brother and dad?" I asked knowing they need to be here as well. I think the more family is here the less Christine can get all the information and make decisions, she's probably loving this knowing it's going to make headlines but not me, matter of fact I hate being here and I hate not knowing anything.

" yeah my brother is on his way with Sam and my dad is coming home from his holiday" he answered, it's good knowing his brother is also coming with her best friend Sam. I've only met him a couple of times but from what I have heard he does a lot to help her out juggling the boys and work.

Knowing I need information, I can't deal with getting stuff from Christine I leave to find someone who can tell me what's going on with Ashley.
I search the whole hospital hoping to find someone to talk to, but not one person can tell me what's going on the only people I could find willing to talk were the cops and they just told me little information as well, nothing that really helped ease my concerns or worry.

By the time I arrived back at the little waiting room, Ashley's youngest son had arrived with her best friend Sam. Their dad was coming home from his holiday so he's not going to be here until tomorrow.

" do we know what's happening? Is she even okay?" Sam asked frustrated just like I am. Of course Christine hadn't even had the courage to call him he received a phone from Kane telling him what has happened to his best friend, and by the way he glares at Christine I can tell he's not a fan.

" they managed to stabilize her, but took her straight up to surgery to stop the bleeding. They said they'll tell us as soon as they know more" Christine replied coldly, finally the first words I've actually heard her say the whole time I've been here. Maybe it's because she's know we're four very desperate guys wanting some type of information.

" excuse me," I heard looking up just like the rest of the group does to see two cops standing there.

" I'm constable Jacob, I'm sorry for interrupting but we were just hoping to get some information from you guys?" He asked sincerely while showing us his badge making sure we know he's the real deal, I guess you really have to be careful about freak fans sneaking their way into the hospital just to get a glimpse at what's happening.

" sure if you follow me I can answer your questions" Christine said once again not wanting us to be the first to know information, it's like she needs to do this to feel powerful or something. But not this time, I'm still not even sure what bloody happened so there's no way I'm letting any of us be left in the dark any longer.

" no! They can ask them here. I'm sure all of us deserve to know some information as well and it's not like you have all the answers" I angrily said making sure she's knows I'm not going to be left out in the dark and neither are her family.

" fine, but I just didn't think her sons needed to hear this" she muttered back, embarrassed and angry that I'm getting more courage to stand up to her, but I hate what she's saying.

" just like me her sons still aren't really sure what has even happened to their mother" I argued back hating the fact she using her sons as an excuse not to fill them in on what's happening.

" you guys still don't know what happened?" The cop asked, sounding baffled we still don't know what caused this accident and what has happened to make the woman we all care about be rushed to surgery. We didn't even have to answer him, I guess he could tell by the silence that filled the room.

" some drunk driver drove through a red light and crashed into the side of her car, making it flip over, it took them over half an hour just to cut her out" the police officer explained, for the first time all Of us were hearing the story from a reliable source and not just from Christine.

Shock and heartache began kicking in, realizing the extent of the accident, I can't believe I was asleep on my bed waiting for her message when she was actually being cut out of a flipped car.

" was she conscious?" Kane asked from the seat beside me, tears flowing from him as he tried to sit up and be strong.

" barely" was all he replied. Both Isaac and Kane weren't doing to well and neither was Sam. I can't even begin to explain the heartache and sadness I'm feeling so I can't even begin to imagine what there going through not knowing if their mother is going to survive.

" what about the other driver?" I asked knowing theres another family probably going through the same worry and Trauma experience we're currently going through.

" he died in surgery" the officer said, his four words making everything 10x worse and sad, not only because I know how much his family is probably hurting but also because if he died at the scene what hope does Ashley have.
I know I'm negative but I've come to realize hope doesn't really exist and it usually just brings more heartbreak.

" okay so do any of you know who saw her last? or where she was tonight?" The office broke the silence between us and began asking questions I knew I wasn't going to like answering, but if it helps than I'll just have to suck it up.

" I was, she spent the night at mine watching a movie" I answered leaning on my elbows. I know it's probably not really the time to boast but seeing Christine's face was kind of classic seeing how she's not happy sitting here listening to me answer questions.

" and your relation to her? " he asked, I wasn't expecting him to ask me this but I'm already aware cops can get very noisy.

" I'm her boyfriend" I said confidentially, till this day I'm still honored to be able to call myself her boyfriend since people as pretty as Ashley usually don't go for men like me.

" more like her little playmate until she gets bored" Christine rudely commented under breath from the side of the room but since it was silence we all heard her bad mouthing me.
I wanted to yell at her and tell her off or say some horrible comment back but I know nows not the time or place to be immature like she's being, so instead I just suck it up and bite my lip trying to hold back all the things I could say.

" how long have you guys been together?" The office asked, once again breaking the silence between us. I'm not quite sure if he's asking because he needs to know or if he's doing it just to make me feel better after seeing all of us respond in shock to Christine's comment. Either way I'm still happy to answer him.

" a little under a year" I answered knowing this is probably hurting Christine more hearing how we've been sneaking behind he back for nearly a year.

" had she been drinking?" He continued asking pretty simple questions.

" no just a diet coke" I said, I know they need to ask these questions to establish a timeline and try to make sure they know exactly what happened but the questions he was asking basically seemed like the cops think Ashley looks guilty or contributed to the crash in someway.

" how was she when she left? Happy? sad? distracted?" He continued on with his pathetic questions.

" happy... Really happy.... I wanted her to stay the night but she didn't want to wake me up in the morning.... Since she had to get up at 5 am for a photoshoot" I answered, me still sadly remembering the exact words we shared between each other as I tried to make her stay at mine for the night.

" thanks.... Um so there will be two officers standing outside the whole time while another two are upstairs. Seeing you usually get a few fans trying to sneak in and catch a glimpse on things I recommend you don't speak to anyone else. I'll be the only officer asking you questions and communicating with you, no one else" he said explaining what's happening with security, but that's not what I really Need to know, I just need to know how's she's doing and like before no one can give us answers.

It was close to around 6: am and we're still waiting for some actual answers from the doctors, I've arrived here at like 12:30 and Since than all anyone was saying is she's in surgery they'll keep us updated.

The boys have managed to drift of to sleep after worrying the whole night, unlike sam and I who still seem wide awake and alert. Not many words are spoken in the waiting room but nothing needs to be said we all know the outcome isn't going to be good we just were afraid to tell her boys.

Even though cell phones weren't allowed in the hospital, Christine has been busy on hers all night, so I took this time waiting to call Paul and my girls who are probably just getting up to get ready for school, I would rather them hear it from me than see it on the news.
It's nice hearing their voices, i feel comfort hearing there home and safe, I just hated hearing how sad they've became after I told them about Ashley.
Paul was next but there wasn't much to say to him, I just called to tell him I won't be in to work for a couple of days and also for him to let fifty know seeing Christine probably didn't ring him seeing she hates us rapper dudes.

( Australian channel 7 news)

Anchor woman: In breaking News
Singer sensation Ashley Ann has been rushed to hospital in critical condition after being involved in a deadly car accident in Michigan, Detroit.

We are now going to cross over to our American correspondent George Main who is outside Michigan hospital waiting for further information.

Thanks for joining us tonight George. First of, can you update us on what's going on? And are they sure it's Ashley Ann?

George: Yes, I can confirm it is Ashley Ann who is in critical condition in the hospital behind me.
She was bought in around about 12 am This morning after her car was involved in a deadly accident with another car at an intersection in Michigan Detroit.

Now we have no updates on how she's doing, we're still waiting for an official statement from the hospital but all I can tell you is she is seriously critical and has been rushed to emergency surgery.

Anchor woman: Now do we know what caused the accident?

George: The police have confirmed that the other driver was tested and he was over the limit by a lot, from what we've been told and from witness statements it looks like the other driver did drive through a red light and smash into Ashley's car.

Now going back to the other driver I have just been told he has unfortunately died in emergency surgery, he's family is inside and do wish for his personal information not to be released to the public at this given Time.

Anchor woman: Just tragic!!..... Now I've heard there's some kind of drama with videos being taken and people doing everything just to get into the hospital to try and see her? What's going on with that?

George: Okay so basically when an accident happens you usually hear about it when there back here in the hospital, but with Ansley it actually took them over 45 mins just to cut her out of the car so by the time they were ready to transport her both the paparazzi and fans had already heard about the accident and a lot of them started gathering down at the site of the crash and also outside the hospital, some photographers have captured the actual wreckage of her car and the actual ambulance arriving at the hospital. Now I do have to praise the emergency service because this must of made it extremely difficult for the nurses and doctors to actually get her upstairs without any hassle.

Police have been placed around the hospital and more security guards are also being called in just to make sure there is no other disruptions for not just Ashley and her family but also for the other patients at the hospital.

Anchor woman: Yeah they defiantly deserve some praise for handling the situation.....
Now I'm actually just reading twitter now which it's blowing up with like crazy, but one of the main things I'm noticing is the tweets about Eminem and her, what's this all about ?

George: Haha yeah your right about that... It seems people are not only shocked about this awful accident, but they're also shocked to find out that rapper Eminem was probably the first person to arrive at the hospital after Ashley was bought in.
Since some of the paparazzi were already here at the hospital they actually captured Eminem arriving just after 12:30am and trying to sneak in through the back way.

( pictures start showing on screen)

As you can see from these pictures he's looks quite distressed and in a hurry to get inside.
Now of course these photos have caused frenzy and have fans going crazy wondering If they're a couple or not, seeing this isn't the first time they've been rumoured to be dating. Now we all know they worked together on the number hit 'love the way you lie' but it wasn't until about a month ago the first rumour of them dating came out and now with these photos and knowing Eminem is inside with her, this sure is going to have people speculating whether these two are actually a couple, but if they are let's just say they're one very unexpected couple.

But i think right now everyone is just waiting and hoping Ashley is okay.
We do know that her two teenage boys are inside with her long time best friend Sam Turner and rapper Eminem, and we've just found out that her parents who were on a holiday in Canada are now flying over and they should arrive here at the hospital in a couple of hours.
Till then it's just about waiting and praying for the best outcome.

Anchor woman: your right about that, thanks George and no doubt we'll be talking to you again very soon.

( goes back to main news Screen)

Anchor woman: That was George main outside Michigan hospital In Detroit.

And If you have just tuned in to us, we've got some breaking news making headlines around the world, we've been told singer sensation Ashley Ann is in critical condition after being hit by a drunk driver in Michigan, Detroit around about 12 am Friday morning.
We're are still waiting for news about her condition but we have been told rapper Eminem is at the hospital with her two sons and her parents are expected to arrive from Canada in the next hour or so.

We also have just learnt the other driver involved has died in surgery and his family and friends are asking for their privacy at this tragic time.

Her doctor and Ashley's manager are expected to make a statement about her condition in the next hour, so right now it's all about waiting and praying for her and her family.

I'll keep you updated as we learn more about this tragic accident

( end of news segment)

It's only been about 15 minutes after hanging up on Paul we see a few people walking towards us, All of us quickly jumped out of our seats when we saw the doctor enter, don't ask me how we all knew it was him but some how we just did.

" doctor how is she?" Sam inquired getting up from his seat with Kane and Isaac following behind looking extremely tired since they've just woken up.
The doctor was standing next to a surgeon, looking extremely worn out and exhausted.

Their silence straight away told me it was bad news since they took a few seconds to actually answer him like they were trying to figure out what to say and how to say it.

" She lost a lot of blood and our main concern was trying to figure out where it was coming from and stopping it" he started explaining slowly doing his best to sound professional but his voice was filled with so much sorrow.

" unfortunately it was harder to stop the bleeding and the pressure on her brain, this caused her to go into cardiac arrest" he continued, trying to be simple and smart about his words but as soon as he said cardiac arrest that's when weakness rushed through my body.

"What does that mean? " Isaac asked softly, being to young to understand the complicated words the doctor is saying

Kane just looked down at him showing no Emotion or a hint of how's he's feeling.
" it's means her heart stopped beating" he just answered him showing nothing at all. I guess he's trying to be strong for his little brother who isn't really understanding any of this information.

" but she's alive right? Her Heart started beating again?" Isaac turned back round and asked the doctor with so much hope in his eyes. I have to be honest the way the doctor is talking I thought he was basically telling us she didnt make it, but then he started speaking again.

" we manage to bring her back but we've had to put her into an induced Coma and place her on ventilated life support to help her breathing due to the failure of her lungs" the doctor continued on, surprising me a little since I wasn't expecting to hear this, but its not like its good news anyway, he's just trying to make the bad news sound better.

" we want to take as much Pressure of the brain as possible but I cant promise anything, right now she's critical and we're just hoping she can get through the day" he seriously said, I know he was trying to make it clear how serious her injuries are but come on her boys are only young i dont think they need to know their mum might not make it through the day, but I guess he's also just trying to tell them what's expected, I just cant seem comprehend the news he's telling us, it seems like I'm trapped in a horrible nightmare.

I'm just devastated, i don't know what to do, cry or scream. It was just shock within my whole body draining every sad emotion out of me.
It was only 6 hours ago I was holding her in my arms telling her how much I love how and thinking about my future with her, now I don't know if we are even going to have a future.

" Can we see her?" Sam asked breaking that sad silence that has filled the room as we all came to terms with what the doctor is informing us.

" Since we stopped the bleeding, We now need to take her up for scans, which is probably going to take an hour or so. Ill come down and inform you when your able to see her" the doctor answered before leaving the room in complete quietness.
All of us trying to comprehend what he has just told us. The woman who's always smiling, caring and full of life is now fighting for her own life.

" Her Parents have just arrived in Detroit" Christine announced randomly, not seeming to be sadden at all by the news before she walked out of the room.
Glancing up I see Kane just staring into space, as Issac is sitting beside him more upset and not afraid to show his emotions which I think is good he's strong enough to show he's upset and sad.

A couple of hours have passed and we're all sitting in the same positions still trying to comprehend everything. To me it still seems like a twisted nightmare that I can't escape and in a way I keep thinking I can call Ashley up later and talk to her about it and know she'll just know what to say to help my grieving, that's until reality hits me and I remember she's the one I'm grieving over.

It's probably around 8 am when Christine comes into the room for the first time since we've heard the news.

" she's back from scans, the doctor said only immediate family can see her" she said, giving me the rudest face when she says immediate family. I can tell she didn't want me in there and has made it pretty clear.
Seeing nows not the time or place to start arguing with her I just stay seated while her boys and Sam quickly get up.

" you coming Marshall?" Kane asked looking back and seeing I'm still seated and don't have any intentions of getting up.

" nah you guys go, I'll see her later " I replied trying to show them I'm completely fine with not going into see her when deep down I'm devastated and hurting. I know I could have just ignored Christine and tried to go in and see her with her boys but right now I'm to exhausted to fight or argue with her and it's not the place nor would Ashley like the idea if she was awake, so instead I just stay sitting in the waiting room once again allowing my mind to drift of and think about Ashley.
Trust me it killed me having to sit there all alone and not being able to see her yet, it doesn't help that I can't stop thinking about her, even when I get my phone out hoping for a distraction I just find myself scrolling through the pictures Ashley and I have taken while lazing around.
She's so bloody adorable especially in the morning, even though she hates me taking photos Of her when she's just woken up, to me their my favourite that's why my phone is filled with photos of us mucking around while laying in bed.

I'm currently back to just sitting here worrying about everything and trying so hard not to let the sadness take over.
It's like I'm in my own little world and the only reason I snap out of it, is because I hear a few people coming down the corridor.

" you must be Joanne and mark, Ashley's parents?" I hear the same doctor who told us the bad news ask these two people as they're walking towards him.

Straight away I look up after hearing Ashley's name and see her parents walking passed the waiting room looking very distressed. It's then I hear the doctor start talking to them while guiding them down to her room, the room I still haven't been into yet.
They didn't notice me which didn't surprise me since they seem so upset and frantic to see there daughter. It must be hard receiving a phone call telling you that your daughters been in an accident, it must be harder seeing how every channel is probably broadcasting on it.

Joanne p.o.v

My daughter who's always so happy now laid practically lifeless on a hospital bed, the tubes coming from her mouth and all these wires not allowing her to show of her beautiful natural smile that lights up a room.

It's been a few very hard hours, from getting the phone call every parent dreads to stepping of the plane and having the accident being shoved in your face.

I'm just happy we've finally made it to the hospital and been able to actually talk to the doctor to see how she's really doing even though I know it's not that good.
I'm just thankful her kids are here sitting by their mother's side as we all stand staring at her, not knowing how to react.

" where's Marshall?" I asked sincerely glancing around to notice that my daughters boyfriend isn't standing in the room with us all, I haven't met him yet but Ashley and the boys always talk about him.

" he's outside, he's been here since she came in" Sam replied, standing back with me and Ashley's father while the kids sat around the bed just watching their mother hoping she might wake up.

" why isn't he In here?" I asked him wondering why he's not standing around or wanting to see Ashley. She has told me a lot about him and how he's got some really big trust issues plus i know he finds it hard to show any emotions, so maybe that's why he's outside while we are all on here.

But as I glanced at Sam I saw how he's become dirty and sour for some reason and his smirk was telling me there's something else going on.

" why do you think" he said softly, looking at me before glancing towards Christine who's standing near the door on her phone like always.
Straight away I can see what he means and figure out Christine has got something to do with Marshall staying outside.
It's not like you have to be a genius to work out what's happened, like always Christine hates not being in power so when a well known rapper comes along who's not afraid to speak his mind and somehow wins his way into Ashely's heart, she feels threatened by him knowing Ashley listens to him, not to mention it's also pretty obvious Eminem has a lot of haters out there and is known for his hatred words he uses in music, so of course Christine doesn't want Ashley Ann to be seen with him Or even associated with him because she knows it's going to stir up this prefect image she has made for my daughter.
But unlike Christine me and Ashley's dad are willing to give Marshall a chance, we both know how hard it is for someone to grow up in the industry, we've been by Ashley's side through the highest and lowest of times and out of everyone we know you can't judge someone by what the media have said, you have to go about it with an open mind.

We stood around all standing there for at least another half an hour, not knowing what to say and how to comprehend how it's was only yesterday she was being all cheery on the phone, now we don't know if she's going to wake up. I think it's hitting her dad pretty hard, they've always been like best friends even when she was growing up and becoming famous, she always still remembered no matter how famous or how rich she was always our little girl.

Just glancing around, I knew something felt wrong, if Ashley was awake this isn't what she would have wanted, we all knew someone was missing and deserved to see her as well. So I just left the room quietly.

I notice Marshall straight away, he's the only one sitting in the waiting room just staring straight ahead at the brick wall.

" you must be Marshall" I said softly breaking the quietness surrounding the room. Straight away his head turns and looks at me, getting up after realizing who I am.

" I've heard so much about you" I continued on while walking in seeing how Marshall is even still in shock or doesn't know what say, maybe he doesn't know what I look like and has no idea who I am.

" yeah you to, Ashley's is constantly talking about her family back home, I just wish we were meeting on better circumstances" he replied getting up to greet me. Ashley's right he's very good at hiding his emotions and being all cold because I can't seem to see how he's feeling, but from the way Ashley described how close they are I can tell he's upset and probably still in shock over what's happening even though he won't admit it.

Knowing nothing I say or do is going to ease his pain, instead of speaking I just pull him into a hug, at the start he just stood there probably having no idea how to react but then I feel him relax more and slowly hug me back, even by hugging him I can feel his sadness rising within him and I can tell it's getting harder for him to hide his sad emotions.

" now why aren't you inside?" I asked stepping away from him but keeping my hands on his shoulders hoping It comforts him and he can see he shouldn't be afraid to be upset.

" Christine said immediate family, I could tell she didn't want me near and I didn't want to cause any more drama" he replied, again showing no emotion on his face. But I can tell Christine has been her bitchy self and no doubt has made it pretty clear Marshall's not wanted.
Being respectful he's just allowed her to be this way and enjoy having this power over everything but now that I'm here things are going to change, and I'm going to be making the final decision knowing what's best for Ashley, not Ashley Ann.

" come on, you have more right to be in there then she does" I smiled before gesturing him to follow me into her room. He asked a few questions about Ashley as we walked down the corridor showing me this caring side Ashley's always talking about.

Marshall p.o.v

I didn't know her mother was going to look so much like her until I saw her, not to mention how much she reminds me of Ashley, her personality, her smile, her mannerism everything about her, it's like she's an older version of Ashley.

Im grateful but surprised she actually even came in to see me since it's such a traumatic time for the family, but I'm happy she can also see how much of a bitch Christine is.

We came to the room Ashley's in, the blinds were closed so no one could see in and there was a guard standing at the door making sure no one tries to sneak in and get a glimpse of ash.
Joanne walked in first with me following her right behind her. As soon as we enter everyone turned round hoping it might be a doctor with more news, her boys were seated on either side of the bed while Sam and Ashley's dad sat towards the back more with Christine sitting on the side still typing away on her phone. The room was filled with complete silence everyone just staring at the bed hoping for some kind of miracle.

" why don't we go grab some breakfast from the cafeteria, let Marshall have some time with ash" Joanne said breaking the silence, I can tell she was trying to get everyone out just to let me have some time alone with ash which I was't expecting and don't want to be a hassle.

" come on you guys must be starving" Sam added cheerfully, grabbing Isaac's hand who no doubt has been crying while Kane is still showing no emotion and just looks exhausted.

" bye mummy" Issac whispered placing a soft kiss on her hand before allowing Sam to guide him outside. As soon as food was mentioned everyone seemed fine to go grab something to pick up their energy seeing her boys have been here all night and the parents have just flown in from Canada.

I gave both of her boys a little squeeze on their shoulder just to comfort them in someway seeing how strong they've been through all of this.
The only one who didn't bother to move was Christine who just continued typing on her phone not even looking like she cared about Ashley.

" Christine" Joanne sternly said seeing how Christine had no intention on leaving.

" no thanks, I'm not hungry" she smirked, the bitchiness was written all over her face glancing towards me, knowing she's getting to me and how I want to spend some time with Ashley.

" well go do whatever your doing somewhere else" Joanne just spat back glaring towards Christine. It's like as soon as her mum arrived Christine has not be the one with power and in a way does everything Joanne says.

Getting up from the couch She made sure to roll her eyes in disgust and annoyance as she left the room doing exactly what Ashley's mother asked.
Joanne just gives me a small smile before leaving the room also and leaving me alone so I can see Ashley for the first time.

Weakness, that's all I felt walking up to her bedside and seeing her body all hooked up for the first time.
This can't be happening and deep down I'm still hopping someone wakes me from this nightmare.

Slowly I take a seat beside her where Kane just sat, Taking hold of her hand and entwining our fingers but no movement comes from her, usually we can just sit for ages holding each other's hand and lighting squeezing from time to time or playing with each other's fingers but now her hand is limp, no little twitches or little smile appearing on her face telling me she knows I'm here sitting by her side, nothing, nothing at all.

I want to scream at her, tell her she has to wake up and survive, tell her I can't live without her and go through the pain of losing her, tell her how fucking In love I am with her and how happy I am she didn't just give up and walk away, how she stuck round and broke down these stupid walls I have surrounding my heart. I just need her to know all these things I've always been afraid to tell her and now it breaks my heart knowing I'll probably never get to tell her these things or I'll never get to wake up next to her and talk to her like I used to.

Usually silence between Ashley and i is a good thing, there's usually a contempt feeling knowing we don't need to be talking or making out just to enjoy each other's company, but Sitting here now and just hearing the beeping of the monitors and the ventilator that's helping her breath I realize I probably won't get to speak to her again or see her amazing smile and those beautiful eyes I'm used to staring into.

I'm not usually an emotional person which you all know but far out this is breaking my heart and even I can't stop the tears from forming, I just wish I could step back in time and make her stay over at my house that way she wouldn't have gotten into that dam car.

I'm just speechless and I really don't know what to do, even looking at her I still haven't really comprehended that I'm probably going to loose one of the funniest, loveliest, tenderest and most beautiful person I have ever known and even this is an understatement.