Fighting Feelings

Marshall p.o.v

Just as I thought, being sexual with Claudia was taking my mind of everything happening down stairs and especially Ashley. As much as I sleep with groupies, there is nothing more than sex involved, no feelings what so ever.

" Go away" I yelled after I heard a soft knock at the door, who ever it was couldn't come at a worst time, since we are just starting to really get into it.

We continued kissing thinking the person has gone away, probably just wondering if the room was taken, but this was my room at fifty's house I am the only one that was a key to it.

But just as I was about to take my pants off hoping to get her deep throating me, again there was a soft knock at the door, realizing the person wasn't going away I quickly get off the bed to go answer the door.

"What the fuck do........" I yelled angrily as I was opening the door not really giving a crap who was on the other side of the door, all I wanted was to get back to getting pleasured, but as I completely opened the door I saw who was standing on the other side.

" Ashley, what are you doing up here?" I asked stunned seeing that is was Ashley knocking on the door, the reason I came up here was to stop my mind from thinking about her and now she is here looking very nervous.

" I could ask you the same thing" she muttered back to me, making me even more confused as to why she was here interrupting my fun.

" Excuse me" I said, beginning to really wonder why she was up here, how did she even know where to find me, this is my private room at Fifty's house, but more importantly what does she want.

I thought she was going to reply straight away, but she just stared at me for a few seconds. I could see she was nervous and anxious to be around me, you could see it in her eyes and the way she was standing. I hadn't even realised that I got caught up staring straight back at her and trying to figure out what she was thinking.

" After nearly two years of being sober, your just going to throw it all away for one night with a younger woman" she commented, making me come back to earth. It took me a few seconds to actually take in what she said to me and when I did, I became even more confused but also angry for bring my addiction up. I hate it when people bring my addiction up to me especially women, I guess to me its like a weakness and I hate people using it against me in anyway.

"Ashley I'm having sex not taking drugs" I argued, clutching the door frame trying to hide my anger and to stay calm, she has no right to mention anything about my addiction especially since she has no idea what she is talking about.

" besides its none of your business what I am doing, you need to butt out" I added, my voice getting louder and angrier as I continued having a go at her, we are not even that close and here she is trying to butt into my life. Since being a parent that shares custody, the weeks the girls are with Kim is the only time to actually have to myself.

" does she know that, because before you came up here I saw her buying a bag of drugs. So are you sure your only having sex" she said trying to sound as confident and strong as possible, but listening to her all I could hear and see was fear and nerves.

" Marshall, is everything ok" Claudia whispered while wrapping her arms around me, not caring that she was standing beside me naked. Before I replied to her, I saw Ashley look away from us, getting even more uncomfortable in front of me. If the scene before was Awkward, this had to be 20x worse.

" yeah it is, Ashley was just leaving" I whispered into her ear, wanting her to go back to bed and wait for me, for some reason I didn't want anyone to see her, I guess I was a bit embarrassed. I think Claudia thought something was going on between Ashley and I because suddenly she grabbed my face and smashed her lips to mine and started kissing me passionately. I was defiantly taken back by her moves, but I was also angry that she did kiss me in front of Ashley, and by the look in Ashley's eyes, she was feeling even more uncomfortable and nervous to be up here but I also saw some jealousy appear on her face, don't ask me how I knew for some reason I could just tell.

" I'll be back in bed soon" I said after she was finished passionately kissing me, after seeing the jealousy appear in Ashley's face I felt like rubbing it in even more, so before Claudia walked back to bed I kissed her one more time.

Ashley P.O.V

Seeing Marshall kiss her made the feelings I have been trying to keep deep down inside rise a little closer to the edge, I have no idea why but I hated seeing her kiss him.

" Was that all" he just muttered after Claudia walked back into the bedroom, I couldn't help feel terrible and ugly after seeing the way she looked, no wonder Marshall was with her.

"Marshall" I said trying to reason with him, I don't want to get into an argument with him I just want to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, I know Fifty would feel so guilty if he does do something stupid with this woman.

" What's your problem are you jealous or something." he yelled getting angrier by the second, I had no idea he was going to react like this. " Did the guy down stairs realise how miserable and boring you are, so you thought you would come wreck my night to make yourself feel better" he continued yelling at me, I felt sick hearing those words leave his mouth, I have never heard Marshall be so rude and cold hearted before.

" Ashley you don't belong here, look at you! Compare to girls like Claudia you just an insecure, lonely woman who feels she needs to get up in everybody else's problem just so she doesn't have to deal with her own miserable life" he yelled, tears forming while hearing those words come out of his mouth. He's right I am just and insecure, lonely woman that needs to make sure everyone else is all right. Its not like I haven't been thinking about if all for a while now, but hearing Marshall say it made me finally realise that it wasn't just me who can notice these things wrong about me, Marshall could also.

I couldn't let Marshall see me like this, so as much as it was hard I am doing everything possible to keep my tears from running, I wasn't going to show any sign of weakness knowing that's what people hurt you more with. I decide to speak before he even has a chance to say another cruel thing.

" Marshall I am just trying to help you, so don't be surprise to see me when you come down stairs after finishing having sex up here, because I am not leaving until I know you are away from all of these drugs" I said before he could even say another mean thing to me. Walking away just as the tears couldn't hold in any longer, feeling at my worst after hearing him say those things. I never expected him to react like this, not after me just trying to help him, its funny it wasn't even my idea to go help him, it was just Fifty looking out for him but me getting all the shit put on me trying to help fifty.

Walking down stairs as always there eyes turn to me, which In this case I don't look my best since I have just been crying over Marshall comments towards me, having people stare at me wasn't helping with this situation either. All I really want to do is leave and crawl into bed, maybe drift of into my perfect life where I'm not insecure and I have a good relationship between my work and private life, but I know I can't instead I am staying here until I know Marshall will leave with me, hoping to get him out of this environment.

Marshall P.O.V

Why the Fuck did I say those things? I might have been angry with her but I still shouldn't have said those things especially when I didn't mean one word of what came out of my mouth. After Ashley walked away trying so hard to keep the tears inside, I haven't been able to get her out of my head, even when I have this beautiful woman trying so hard to pleasure me, this night has turned into from being a night where I can relax and enjoy myself to a night that is basically another way to get my frustrations out, you can notice I am angry at myself for the way I treated Ashley because unlike before I am not treating Claudia with respect, I don't feel like talking and cuddling anymore all I want to do is get into it and not mess around with all the unnecessary stuff.

" Want to do something Fun" Claudia whispered seductively while kissing my neck since my face is facing the other way.

" sure why not" I muttered not really interested in what she was saying, we have been going for like an hour or so and I am really exhausted but its a good way to get my frustrations out and when we are actually doing it I forget about Ashley and the way I treated her. I was still mad at her but I shouldn't have said those nasty things.

Feeling Claudia jump back on the bed, I turned over to face her and got the shock of my life. Right next to me she had this bag full of drugs and was opening it up like it was no big deal.

" what the fuck are you doing" I yelled jumping out of the bed and away from her, I came up here to have sex not to do drugs.

" I thought it will be fun, enhance the night" she smiled, holding the bag out for me to take. obviously she hasn't been listening to me at all tonight because if she did, she would know I don't do those things anymore.

" you know I'm sober" I stated slowly trying to figure out why she would even bring drugs in here. Back in the old days I would have defiantly jumped back in and joined her, probably place the drugs all over her and than sniff it of her naked body, but these days I'm different I know that was stupid and dangerous what I used to do.

" oh come on drop the act, we all know you want to have some, there is no way your capable of staying sober while coming to these parties" she commented while beginning to take some, Right there it hit me, Ashley was right they have been trying to pressure me into drugs, they have been doing it all night, they think I am not strong enough and to be honest there was a stage tonight where i did want to cave in

" get out" I yelled throwing her clothes at her, getting angrier as she just kept taking that stupid stuff right in front of me, just smiling and looking like she wasn't going to move.

" Fine, I'll leave. Thanks for the Arse" I said after putting my clothes on and walking to the door not bothering to look at her, since there was nothing personal of mine in this room I didn't mind leaving her in here.

" come on its just a little bit of fun" I heard her say as I walked out of the door not bothering to say anything else, I knew if I did it was just going to be mean and I think I have been mean enough for tonight.

So Ashley was right about everything and she was just trying to help me, but all I did was probably make her insecurities even bigger than before, and I didn't mean one word I said to her. Why do I always say the wrong thing, I should have said the real thing I was thinking but once again my heart seemed to have turned cruel only to protect itself.

" that was fast" I heard someone say as I made my way down the stairs, looking up I see that it is Royce. He has been a friend since I can remember, for many years we were fighting but for the last year or so we have been trying to mend things up, ever since Proof died we feel we need to let the past behind us.

" yeah wasn't in the mood" I said, smiling to try and cover up the guilt and anger I am feeling towards myself, all I can think about is Ashley and how I probably crushed her, Fifty has been telling me all about her problems she is dealing with and instead of helping her, I just used them against her.

We made our way back towards the party that seemed to have gotten smaller, instead of going near the guys I was with before, Royce and I stayed together beginning up at good conversation, one I can actually understand.

I glanced around the room, While Royce said goodbye to one of his mates that had come over before he left the party with two young groupies on each side, it makes me think about those days where I used to leave with about 3 or 4, its not like I cant still today its just it gets a tad boring after a while. I watched as Claudia walked back into the room with another bottle of wine and watched as she walked straight over to a new guy and started latching on to him. I should have known, all she wanted was to get in my pants. Anger starting to rise while watching her flirt with this new guy, not anger because I was jealous more anger towards myself because I was so close to caving in tonight just to impress people like her.

I quickly got sick of her sluttiness towards this guys and began to find something interesting to look at while Royce finishes his goodbye, but when I looked slightly to my right that's when I saw her, that's when I saw Ashley sitting on the lounge quietly by herself, two other guys were standing in front if her and were in conversation but by the way Ashley was just sitting there staring, you could tell she wasn't listening, she looked so sad and confused, i honestly just wanted to go over and hug her to tell her how sorry I am, but I cant she is never going to forgive me.

" she's a good friend" Royce said beside me, turning to see him looking at Ashley as well, so he has seen me watching her but that couldn't automatically say we are friends.

" how do you know" I asked, wondering how even knew we are friends, its not like we arrived together or anything.

" the girls were giving her a really hard time before, so I sat with her to make sure she was okay. We started conversation and she said she is waiting to drop you home, to make sure you got out of here okay" he continued, surprising me with what he was saying. She sat all this time while girls were being bitches to her, just to make sure I leave okay and I don't give in into any temptation. I had totally forgotten she said that earlier, so seeing her here now is a big surprise, but it was a good surprise defiantly a good one

I have been wrong about her, she is only a caring person and I am stupid enough to have a go at her because I was afraid to show my weakness. I have to go over there and make sure she is okay, I have to be a man and do the right thing.

" She is defiantly a good friend" I stated, I was planning on going to apologize to her and hopefully put this all behind us, but right after I say goodbye to Royce and thank him for looking out for Ashley.

" Oh shit, here they go again" Royce said, making me pull away from him wondering what he is talking about, but as I followed his gaze I realized he was referring to the girls gathering around Ashley, it only took a few seconds to see one of them is Claudia. There is no way this is going to be good, just looking at there smug dirty faces you can see that anything that comes out of their mouths are going to be cruel and bitchy.

I wanted to go and intervene the bullying but the way Ashley and I are at the moment, it doesn't seem like she would want me anywhere near her and she wouldnt want me sticking up for her. Ashley is the type of girl that likes to come of strong, she knows how to handle herself, so she probably doesnt want me coming to her rescue. All I can do is stand here and watch these girls tear her down.

They just kept going, not really caring how stupid they sounded, there was even times when i heard the guys say that was enough and how ridiculous they sounded, but they couldnt care less they just kept running their mouths. You see the girls were really the only people who didnt enjoy or like Ashley, the guys have been getting along with her the whole night, it seems the girls were the ones with the jealousy problems and us guys could see this, thats why there are so many guys trying to get the girls to shutup knowing there just sound ridiculous, but as much as we see how stupid they look, that doesnt help how Ashley is probably feeling, how they have made her more inscure than before.

Luckily the girls gave up after a few seconds, since all the guys were giving them a hard time for saying such nasty things. I have to admit I never knew Ashley was so brave and strong, throughout the whole time the girls were saying those comments, she just kept staring at them and never letting them see the pain she tried to hide,her being so similar to me i just knew it was all for show and deep down she was devestated. I watched as she kept going on like nothing had happened, she continued her conversation with the guys after the girls were shooed away, the guys might have fallen for her Ok attitude, but just standing here I can see past that smile of hers I can see the sadness and the insecurities that are killing her inside.

" I'll be Back" I told Royce after watching Ashley get up and head to the bathroom, even when she excused herslef from the guys I could see the friendly voice was all an act just to get away from everyone. So this was my chance, i know she isnt going to accept my apology straight away, so i am going to have to show her how sorry I am and I'm going to make sure I am here for her since I know what it feels like, to have insecurites run so deep that they start to take over your life.

Ashley P.O.V

" Its being used" I replied to the person on the other side of the bathroom door, who has been knocking for ages, trying to sound as nice and as geunine as i usually do, but Really all I am trying to do is cover up my crying and wipe the mascara smudges away. Who ever this person on the other side is, they must know by now that I am not going away.

" Please, its taken" i reapeated trying to sound as calm as I usually am towards everyone, but when you just want to break down you rather being alone than having people who dont really care about you hanging around in you.

" Ashley. its me Marshall I know your not using the bathroom, so please let me in" I heard him say from the other side of the door, making me stand there wondering why he was down here wanting to see me, espicaily see me at my worst. I thought about jumping out the window so i could avoid the awkwardness that was developing between Marshall and I.

" so, are your here to add another rude coment about me". I yelled while swinging the door all the way opened, getting a better look at the situatuon in front of me. The tears have now stained my face, and the smile still couldn't appear.

" No actually I just came to see if you are okay" He replied, somehow managing to bardge pass me into the bathrom, just like always he can see when something is wrong with me and doesnt fall for the act I put on for everyone else. But just becasue he is being nice to me, doesnt mean I have to fall for him or forgive him.

" you should go Marshall" I stated when I could feel the tears forming again, but no move ment or no words spoken between us as we stood in this lifeless bathroom. The tears were trying to force their way out of me, and the silence wasn't helping for any of us.

" no, i know your not Okay. I know you're about to cry, so I am not leaving unless its with you" he stated while going to sit down on the toilet lid. Great he isn't leaving and I don't know how long I Can keep these tears in, I don't want him to see that the comments actually hurt me, I should be stronger than this I have been in the industry for so long that these comments should be a breeze to handle, but ever since these last couple of months I just cant seem to handle any bitchy comments or remarks.

" Come on, we're better than these people. We shouldn't be here" he said while grabbing my wrist softly and taking my hands in his, As much as I could see how he was trying to be nice I just couldn't get what he said before out of my head, but looking past all of that I know he is right, we are better than these people, we are more mature than them.

" you're right we are, so lets go" I replied, taking my hands out of his, I know he is just being nice, but I don't need this right now, not with all my other problems going on I cant have people who are nice one time and than completely change, but besides all of that I know being an addictive is hard and I guess he didn't like to show that as a sign of weakness.

Marshall P.O.V

The car was silence just as we both expected, both of us not knowing what to say to each other because so many personal things and secrets were exposed tonight and since we both have trust issues and we aren't used to being so exposed, our minds are still trying to figure things out.

" I'm Sorry" I randomly blurted out, after the silence just got to much for me, and the guilt was eating away everything I believe in, she needs to know how bad I feel and How sorry I truly am, even if it does show I am weak.

" don't worry about it" she muttered not even bothering to look at me, I can still see that its bothering her and that she hasn't really listened to my apology, its just gone in one ear and out the other.

" Ash, seriously I really am Sorry about before" I added hoping she is actually listening this time, here sat a girl that I still am not sure how I feel about and for some reason I cant help but feel guilty for what I did before with Claudia.

" I said don't worry about, so drop it" she said again, her voice raising a little louder now ill not bothering to look at me. Its like the sadness has weakened so she is able to push that behind and now just try to act stronger, even if that means being cold towards people, I know she is doing this because when I look at her its like looking into a mirror.

I didn't try to push it after that, I just kept up the silence between us. I couldn't force her to forgive me, and even when she says its fine I know she is still hurting. I know I am going to have to do a lot of things to make it up to her, but I am not afraid of any of it. Just sitting here watching her, and seeing the way she has become cold towards me to protect herself from getting hurt, I couldn't help feel guilt run through me, why was I really apologising? That's when it hit me, one of the reason I apologised was because I truly did feel bad for saying those things, but as much as I hate it and try to disagree with myself, the other reason I apologised was not because of what I said, but more for the fact that I slept with Claudia, it is actually feeling like when someone finds out you have been cheating on them, I was feeling guilty and feeling like I have betrayed Ashley even though she isn't my girlfriend or anything, that's why I apologised to make sure she knew how much the sex didn't mean anything neither did Claudia.

But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why I really apologised, all I know is I am going to do everything possible to make it up to her, and try to show her the beauty me and everybody around her sees and not the ugliness her mind is trying to make her think she is.

So you might have already picked it, but this story is going to be a lot more darker than the other one, with a lot more drama. Ashley and Marshall are going to have a very complicated relationship so its going to be very different to my other one.

I Hope you enjoy:)