The New Face of Failure

I don’t know what I’m doing emotionally, or let’s be honest sexually – New Girl

“So you are really not going to tell your parents about this?” Cassidy’s eyebrows were raised at an awfully high level that Harper thought they were going to crawl off her face. She was looking at her with such a large amount of skepticism that it made Harper nervous.

“So they can say no and force me to come home?” Harper replied, looking away from Cassidy and down essay that she was desperately trying to finish so that she could hand it into her history teacher before heading off to Chicago with Patrick and his band mates.

Cassidy was lounging on her bed, flipping through the television channels. “You don’t know that.”

But Harper did know that because she mentioned Chicago to her mom on the phone and her mother had some choice words to say about it.

“So what’s your “boyfriend” doing during fall break? Will he be coming home with you?” her mother had asked over the phone.

“Um, actually, he is going to Chicago. His band is recording an album there over the break,” Harper said timidly, testing the waters.

“His band? Oh he’s in a band is he? And his mother is letting him do that still while he’s in college?”

“Oh yeah, they are really popular here. He has gigs like every weekend, and they are really good.”

“Oh so that’s how you spend your weekends then. I do hope that it’s not interfering with your school work….”

“Nope, promise.”

“Well that’s good. Well, I hope he has fun, though I don’t approve of a boy his age going all the way to a city like Chicago with no parental supervision for something that can’t possibly help his future.”

“Well, his dad lives in Chicago,” Harper protested. “And who knows? I think that this band might be his future.”

“Oh Harper, don’t be silly. How many bands are there that try and fail? And at his age? Honey, you have to set him on the right path toward responsibility. That’s your job as his girlfriend. I did that for your father,” her mother remarked.

Harper didn’t want to change Patrick or make him do anything he didn’t want to do. She loved that he was so dedicated to his passion because it made her feel as if she might actually have a chance to follow hers. Since her mother seemed so against Patrick going to Chicago, she couldn’t imagine that she would be that excited about Harper going. So Harper tried a different tactic.

“So, you told your mom that you and I are staying here for the week to work on stuff for the Homecoming committee?” Cassidy said to her, sighing and turning off the TV. “God, nothing good is on Thursdays.”

“Yes, you’ll be here anyway with Derrick right? So, I gave her your number and if she can’t get a hold of me, she can call you and you can vouch for me.”

“Where is the Harper that I met two months ago that was terrified of going out to parties and meeting people? That Harper wouldn’t come up with some awesome scheme to pull one over on her parents so she can go on a trip by herself with her boyfriend. Love has changed you, girl.” Cassidy was grinning at her.

“Love?” Harper blushed. There was something that she was afraid to say out loud. It was something that was hanging in the air the last couple of weeks between her and Patrick. She had never loved a boy before, but in all the stories that she had read and written, when they described how the girl felt, she really felt like they were describing her. But, she also knew that guys were terrified of that word and so she was in a dilemma. Every time she had to say goodbye to Patrick, the l-word was on her tongue.

“What, you haven’t said it yet?” Cassidy asked her.

“No, I mean…. I don’t want him to think I’m clingy or anything…”

Cassidy laughed. “You two spend all your free time together, he is literally head over heels for you. I think you are past that potential stage.”

Harper shrugged. “When he’s ready, we’ll say it.”

“So that means you haven’t had sex yet either,” Cassidy added. That made Harper blush even more.
“Come on. You spend a lot of time alone in his room with him, and at his friend Pete’s house. It must be killing him.”

“It’s killing me,” Harper confessed. It was true, the more time she and Patrick spent making out, the harder it was getting for her to say no. Her mind was still stronger than her desire, but she was starting to wonder why she kept refusing to sleep with him.

She remembered a couple of nights ago after band practice, Patrick had come back to the dorms and straight to her room. Cassidy was spending the night at Derrick’s, and since Joe was also coming back to the dorms, Harper thought it was a better idea for Patrick to come to her room.

“Buenas noches, Harper,” he said with a terrible Spanish accent when she had opened the door.

“Oh boy, we should probably study for that Spanish test some more,” Harper commented, pulling him inside and toward her. He looked so cute in his red t-shirt and light-colored jean jacket. He wasn’t wearing his glasses that day and his hair was messy from having his hat on too long. She kissed his lips urgently, dying to be close to him. He kissed her back with equal fervor, pushing her body backward until she was backed up against the wall of her room’s small foyer. Her hands slid up under his jean jacket, pushing it off of him, and it fell to the floor without either of them giving it a second glance.

Patrick’s lips trailed over to her ear and she giggled as he nibbled lightly on her earlobe. “What?” he murmured softly in her ear, his tongue flicking against her skin.

“It tickles,” she whispered, still giggling. He smiled and moved his lips lower.

“Okay, then what about down here, does it tickle down here?” he replied, his lips resting on her collar bone.

She sighed with pleasure. “N..no.” Her body was itching for Patrick’s touch and she grabbed the edges of her tank top and pulled it over top of her head and she felt his hands stroking her bare skin. They moved lower to the rim of her sweatpants and she felt him push them down till they fell around her feet. The chill in the room touched her skin and she could feel goosebumps forming. But it did not last long when she felt Patrick’s hand pull her underwear aside, two of his fingers pushing inside her. She gasped from the sensation of his fingers stroking her. It was unlike any feeling she ever had before.

“Does that feel good?” he whispered, and she met his eyes and saw his uncertainty. She bit her lip and smiled.

“It does,” she murmured.

They spent most of the night doing the same, moving from the foyer to her bed. However, she still stopped it before it could get any further because of her fear.

“I don’t know why you’re so afraid,” Cassidy remarked. “I mean, what haven’t you done together?”

Harper hit the “Save” button on her essay and then got off her bed and hooked her laptop up to her printer to print it out. “I mean, I haven’t, you know…” She opened her mouth wide and pointed to it.

“You haven’t given him a blow job!?” Cassidy exclaimed. “Girl, why not?! That is every guy’s fantasy!!”

“He never asked for it,” she said tentatively.

“Well, Patrick seems too polite to ask for it. You probably just have to go for it,” Cassidy replied. “What about a hand job?”

Harper blushed. “Cassidy! You don’t see me asking about you and Derrick’s sexual escapades.”

“Fine, I always give Derrick a blow job before we have sex. Just enough to get him to the edge and then,”

“La la la la… not hearing this!” Harper exclaimed, closing her ears.

“Whatever, once you have sex, you’ll understand,” Cassidy replied.

“I guess so,” she said, but she highly doubted that she’d be ready to so openly share her and Patrick’s sex lives like Cassidy.

“Anyway, back to the original issue at hand. You’re lies and betrayal.”

“Cass, you make me sound like a terrible daughter,” Harper exclaimed.

“Well, you are, but that’s okay because I’d do the same thing. Anyway… does your friend Akemi know?”

Harper shook her head. She had barely spoken to Akemi in the last month. Ever since Akemi pledged to Delta Zeta and they had their fight, Akemi saw fit to cut Harper out of her life completely, and at first, Harper was upset about it, but eventually, she found herself not thinking about it so much. She also thought it was better to not mention her plans to Akemi so that Akemi wouldn’t be tempted to backstab her at some point. She wasn’t entirely trusting of her anymore, especially after all of the hurtful things she had said to her the day after she had started her initiation process.

“Sorry Harper, I can’t go to dinner with you tonight,” Akemi had said into the phone when Harper had called her up to make sure she would be at their usual meeting spot.

“Oh, okay, DZ stuff?” Harper had asked her.

“Yeah, me and the girls are doing something. I’m sure that’s good for you though. You and Patrick can have weirdo emo sex together why you’re reading your shitty stories out loud and he’s playing his crappy music,” Akemi replied caustically.

“Akemi!” Harper cried out, shocked by what she had said.

“What? No offense, but you are way too hung up on him. All the girls think so. But, that’s what you get for choosing a guy over your best friend.”

“Akemi, I didn’t…”

“I have to go.”

That was the last conversation that Harper had with her, and truthfully, she didn’t really feel like having another.

“Well, that’s probably a good thing,” Cassidy said. “You don’t want her sabotaging it with her jealousy issues.”

Harper stapled her essay together and shoved it into her messenger bag. “Yeah, that’s true,” was all she said. “Hey Cassidy?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks, by the way, for helping me out… and for you know being really cool.”

“Of course. You have to promise me one thing though.”

“What’s that?”

“Get me a cool Chicago t-shirt,” Cassidy requested.

“Done.” Harper gave her an appreciative smile.

The next day, Harper turned her essay in during her history class, then went to her American fiction course. There, her professor, Dr. Margold, came up to her with a large smile on his face.

“Ms. Williams, I just wanted to congratulate you,” he said, holding his hand out for her to shake. She looked at him oddly.

“Um, thank you Dr. Margold, but I’m not really quite sure why you’re congratulating me…”

He laughed. “Because your submission to the school literary magazine was chosen, of course! I know they haven’t sent emails out to the winners, but I have a little bit of an inside there at the magazine and I like to see if any of my students had submitted stuff. I read the story and I must say that it is very good.”

Harper thanked him again, but she was still confused. She hadn’t submitted anything to the literary magazine. She had received a flyer on it, but she was too afraid to submit any of her short stories. She wondered if she should ask him to see the submission to make sure it wasn’t a mistake.

Once class was over, she ran back to the dorms to grab her bags and meet up with the guys. Patrick had told her that Andy and Pete were picking them and Joe up in front of the dorm and when Harper arrived at the dorm, she saw the large white van that the guys used to travel in pulled up in front of the building. Andy was standing outside of it, hands stuffed in his pockets, while Joe and Pete were re-organizing the back of the van. Andy noticed her and waved.

“Hey, hey Harper! Ready to roadtrip it up?” Andy called out to her. Harper hurried over to them, feeling like she was literally skipping toward him. Her nerves were getting the better of her and she felt all jittery.

“Hey Andy,” she gave him a hug. “Yeah, I am, just have to run upstairs and grab my bag.”

“You packed light right? We don’t have too much room in this thing.”

“Oh yeah, no worries,” she replied.

“If you did, you’ll have to just sit on top of Patrick the whole way,” Pete joked as he and Joe came over to them.

“Somehow, I don’t think Patrick would mind that,” Joe retorted, making Harper blush fiercely.

“What wouldn’t I mind?” They all looked toward Patrick who was bounding down the front stairs. He ran up to Harper and kissed her on the temple. “Hey, essay turned in?”

“OH yeah, I think my professor was amazed that I had actually exceeded the minimum page requirement. Most of the people in my class barely had three pages.”

“And let me guess, you had four,” Patrick teased.

“More like six,” she said wincing at her overachieving nature.

“Okay brownnoser!” Joe exclaimed, clapping her on the back.

“No, writing just comes naturally to her,” Patrick said, defending her.

“Thanks, Patrick,” she said, kissing his cheek. “Um, yeah and interesting side note. Apparently I submitted a short story to the school’s literary magazine and my fiction professor just told me it got accepted.”

“That’s great news, congratulations J.K. Rowling!” Andy exclaimed.

“Yeah, it sounds like great news, only problem is, I didn’t submit anything…” she trailed off and noticed that Patrick was looking away from her, and then it hit her. “Patrick, did you submit one of my stories I had sent you to read?” She moved within his line of sight and he glanced down at his feet. She remembered him commenting on the flyer when it had fallen out of her messenger bag in his room.

“It’s a possibility…” he said, looked up at her innocently.

“Patrick! Why?”

“Because I knew that you weren’t going to do it on your own,” he countered.

“Because they aren’t good enough!” Harper retorted.

“But the one I sent in got picked!”

“Yeah,” she couldn’t argue with that. “So, which one did you send in?”
“The short story about the girl running away from something unknown,” he replied. “I really loved that one, I felt you in that story.” He looked at her with such admiration that it made her heart flutter. He lovingly brushed her hair out of her face and behind her ear. “I thought it would be a good way to show you that you have it in you and that you can be a writer if you really wanted to.”

“Patrick, I…” she stopped short of saying big L-word. She wanted to say it right then because at that moment, she truly felt like it was a good time, but she still wasn’t sure how strongly he felt about her. “Thank you, for being so amazing,” she finally said.

He smiled proudly. “Did you hear that guys, I’m amazing.”

“Oh yes, how lucky for you. Now, can we get on the fucking road? We do gain an hour, but that doesn’t mean it will be an easy drive,” Pete said.

Once Harper had gotten her bag, Pete, who was taking the first shift, pulled away from the curb and they started down the street toward the exit for the highway. Joe sat in the passenger seat and Andy, Patrick and Harper shared the bench seat in the back, which left the entire back of the van full of the guys’ equipment. Harper rested her head against Patrick’s shoulder, her eyes starting to get heavy as she listened to the intense conversation the guys were having regarding the fact that J.J. Abrams was taking over the Star Wars franchise. As much as Harper wanted to add her own opinions on the whole matter, sleep got the better of her and she found herself drifting off.

Mountains gave way to plains and eventually after eleven hours, they were driving through the night sky directly into the abyss of lights that was Chicago. Harper kept her eyes glued to the windows, taking in all that she could see through the darkness. Luckily, the city stayed wide awake late into the night and she watched the patrons of various bars and clubs dawdling outside of the buildings, wearing flashy dresses and skinny ties and flirting unabashedly with each other. The whole scene made Harper’s skin tingle. She glanced back at Patrick who had fallen asleep, his head resting on the back of the seat, his mouth hung slightly open. It was still hard to believe that she had made it to Chicago with him, that she was with him at all. Two months ago, she barely thought she could get through her first day of classes and now, she was starting to feel that anxiety that used to hold her prisoner all day long slowly start to dissipate.

Joe, who was the last driver, pulled up in front of an industrial looking building that seemed to have been renovated into an apartment complex. The windows seemed nine feet tall and the outside of them were covered with white bars. The front of the building had been decorated with large bushes and tall maple trees whose leaves were turning red and gold.

She lightly shook Patrick awake. “Patrick, we’re here,” she murmured in his ear. He moaned in protest.

“Dude, get up. Call your dad and let him know we’re here,” Pete said, who was now sitting on the other side of Patrick. Andy was acting as Joe’s co-pilot.

Patrick opened his eyes and glanced at Pete and then at Harper. “Okay, I’m up.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and clicked on his father’s name. “Hey dad, we’ve arrived.” He paused. “Okay, 1543?” he looked at Harper, “Remember that.”

“1543,” she repeated and he smiled.

“Yeah, we’ll be up. Bye dad.” He hung up. “Okay, head around the corner to get into the parking garage. The code is,”

“1543,” Harper said.

Patrick nodded. “Yep, you got it.”

Joe pulled the car out of their front parking spot and drove it around the corner into the parking garage. Once they had found a spot, they all climbed out and grabbed their overnight bags.

“Will the gear be okay in here?” Harper asked him, as the five of them started walking to the elevators.

“Yeah, dad said there is security that watches the place.”

“How, cute, you’re worried about our stuff,” Joe remarked. Harper rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at him.

As they walked up to Patrick’s dad’s apartment, she felt Patrick grab her hand and give it a good squeeze. “He’s going to love you,” Patrick told her reassuringly.

“I hope so,” she replied, looking at him with hopeful doe eyes.

“I’m so glad that your parents let you come,” Patrick added, and Harper could feel that nagging ache in her stomach flare up.

“Oh yeah, of course,” she replied quickly.

They all stopped outside of the apartment number 504 and Patrick knocked several times. The door opened and a man who looked very similar to Patrick, except his hair was turning gray answered the door. He pushed up his glasses and gave Patrick a loving smile. “There he is.”

Patrick let go of her hand and walked into a hug from his father. “Hey dad, it’s good to see you.” When they let go, Patrick grabbed her and pushed her forward. “Dad, this is Harper, my girlfriend.”

Harper put on her best smile and stuck her hand out for him to shake. He just grinned at her. “My you are very pretty,” he commented and she could feel her cheeks heating up. “So your parents must be fans of To Kill a Mockingbird, I take it?”

“Actually yes,” she said, surprised he got the reference so quickly. “They are both lawyers and if I was going to be a boy, they were going to call me Atticus.”

“Aren’t you glad they didn’t choose Scout?” Pete piped up and she gave him a surprised look as well.

“Hey, that’s my anecdote!” she said jokingly and Pete laughed.

“Pete’s also a huge book nerd,” Patrick explained.

“Okay, kids, come in and get settled. Patrick said that you had to be at the studio around 8 tomorrow morning?”

They all trudged into his apartment. Although it only had two bedrooms, the height of the ceilings made it seem larger than it actually was. Harper wondered how Patrick’s father cleaned the ceiling fans because he would need a 10 foot ladder to reach them. He has two couches in the living room, one small and one large and they were placed at a ninety degree angle facing a large flat screen TV. She could see that one corner of the living room was taken up by his own music equipment, and she wondered for a second if Patrick’s first apartment he owned would look something like this. The two bedrooms were on opposite sides of the apartment and right behind the living room was a small kitchen with a bar, no table. It was very much a place where a bachelor lived.

“So who gets what?” Joe said, looking ready to drop his body on the first place someone told him to sleep.

“I have an air mattress, let me get that out,” his father said, walking over to small closet in the hallway and pulling a blue air mattress and pump out. “Patrick, could you,”

“Yeah, sure dad,” he said, grabbing the stuff from him.

“Great, let me get some blankets and pillows.” He retreated to his room.

Harper realized that she wasn’t entirely sure if Patrick’s dad would let her sleep with him. Truth be told the only time they had really slept together was the first weekend they hung out. After that, they really couldn’t because of Cassidy and Joe being in each other’s rooms respectively. She clung desperately to her backpack as she watched Patrick blow up the air mattress.

“That’s mine,” Joe called out, falling on top of it as soon as Patrick finished.

“Fine by me, I’ll take small couch,” Andy replied, stepping over Joe and making himself comfortable on the loveseat.

Harper looked at the larger couch. “Well, I guess I can…”

“Don’t be silly,” Pete butted in. “Like we don’t know where you two will be sleeping.” He winked at her and walked over to the big couch, setting his backpack down.

Harper looked over at Patrick and could see a bit of red barely touch the bottom of Patrick’s glasses. “Um, that is usually the room I stay in, if you want to put your stuff in there,” he said to her, pointing to the room on the opposite side of where his father’s room was.

Harper swallowed the lump in her throat. “Yeah okay.” She quickly walked over to that room and opened the door. The room didn’t look like it belonged to Patrick. Not like his room at his mom’s house. There was a full sized bed with a simple black comforter and the walls were bear except for a poster of Elvis Costello. The furniture looked to be Ikea made, with simple lines and white paint. She set her backpack on the bed and opened it up, pulling out her pajamas to put on, which was just a pair of yoga pants and a tank top. She quickly changed into it and looked at herself in the mirror. She tied her hair up into a messy ponytail and decided to head back out into the main living room to say good night to the other guys.

As she stepped out of the bedroom, she could hear the guys discussing their recording deal with Patrick’s dad. Joe was wrapped up tightly in a comforter, already passed out. Since he was the last driver, it wasn’t surprising to her. Andy was playing with a Nintendo DS and Patrick was on the couch with Pete talking to Mr. Stump who was standing there, arms folded, offering them advice on how to construct their recording sessions. Harper cleared her throat to get their attention.

She could feel all of their eyes focused on her and she realized that her tank top had fallen a bit low on her chest, exposing a bit of cleavage. “Um, Mr. Stump, could I have a glass of water?” she asked, suddenly feeling like a sexualized five year old. Note to self, when you are around all of Patrick’s friends, wear sweatpants and sweatshirts.

“Of course dear, and you can call me David. No need for formalities here.” He walked over to the kitchen to get her a glass.

She wrapped her arms across her chest and looked over at Pete and Patrick. Patrick glanced at Pete and shoved him. “Hey!” Pete exclaimed. “You look good Harper, that’s all I have to say about that.”

“Pete stop trying to hit on my girlfriend you dick,” Patrick said, a sarcastic smile on his face. He stood up. “I’m going to go to bed.”

His dad had walked around the bar and handed Harper her glass of water. He glanced at her then at Patrick. “Well, you, um, two, have a, uh, good night now,” he stammered, scratching at the back of his arms awkwardly. She knew what was probably going through his mind and it circled around her, Patrick and sex. That made for a very uncomfortable moment.

Harper felt Patrick lay a hand on the small of her back. “Thanks Dad, you too.” He steered her back toward the bedroom.

“Thank you for the water David!” she called out before Patrick shut the door behind them.

She walked over to the nightstand and set the water down. “So, um, which side do you want?” She turned to look at him before realizing that he was standing literally right on top of her.

“Harper, can you like only ever wear that outfit?” he whispered, running his hands through her hair.

“Patrick,” she sighed with pleasure as his lips lightly pressed against her neck. “I wasn’t really thinking when I packed it. I forgot for a moment that your friends and dad were sleeping in the same place.” She placed her hands under his chin and brought his lips to hers. “But I’m glad you think it looks good. That’s all that matters, I guess.”

Patrick smiled as they kissed. “It better be.” He then pulled away. “Okay, I have to get changed too and we really should sleep some. It’s going to be a long next few days,” he said, unpacking his backpack and quickly changing into his own lounge pants and a new t-shirt.

While he changed, she slipped into the bed and pulled the covers up around her neck. She then grabbed her phone to see if her parents called at all. They hadn’t, but there was a text message from her sister.

BIOTCH CANT BELIEVE U CHOSE A HOMECOMING COMMITTEE OVER SEEING ME. THIS PLACE SUCKS WITHOUT U.

Harper sighed and set her phone down on the nightstand. She felt even worse about lying to her sister because she was usually the one person she could trust to keep a secret. However, she didn’t want to risk her parents finding out that she was now over 1,000 miles away, sleeping in the same bed as her boyfriend she only knew for two months. Their Harper would never do anything like that. She felt the weight of Patrick’s body as he climbed into the bed and suddenly they were both laying there, both seeming to be waiting for the other to make the first move.

She turned her face toward him. “Um, so, can I…” she pointed to his chest.

Patrick gave her assenting smile. “Yeah, of course.”

She inched toward him and rested her head on his chest as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. It felt so comforting to be laying there in his arms folding herself into him as perfectly as two puzzle pieces would fit together. “Good night Patrick,” she whispered.

She felt him kiss the top of her head. “Good night Harper,” he paused and he seemed to want to say something more. She started to close her eyes and then he said, “I love you.”

Her eyes shot open and her breath caught in her lungs. She couldn’t believe he said, just like that. It was exactly how she would have wanted it to. No big pretense, just him letting her know how he felt in the most easy, yet intimate time. “I love you too, Patrick,” she breathed, burying her head further into his chest, wanting to lose herself in him. It didn’t take her long after that to fall asleep.