The New Face of Failure

I know, but, I want to owe you things. I'm ready to owe you things, okay? Because I really, really care about you. Are you mad at me? Because I'm sorry. – Adventureland

She expected it to be colder in Chicago. She knew it was the windy city, and the wind definitely picked up from time to time, but other than that, she didn’t find it much different from Philadelphia, except much of it was covered in a canopy of trees whose leaves were turning gold and burgundy. It reminded her of a Thomas Kincaid painting, the vibrant colors of the leaves masking the dull grays and browns of the building exteriors, making one feel like they were in a city and in the countryside all at once. Harper kicked up some leaves that had blew into a small pile on the street in front of the recording studio that the guys were heading to, clutching Patrick’s hand. They were slightly behind Pete and Joe, who were leading the charge into the building, and slightly ahead of Andy and an older man named Bob. Patrick told her that he was supposed to possibly managing them. It was a little daunting to her what was happening, but she tried to keep her anxiety at bay for Patrick’s sake.

“Are you nervous?” she whispered to Patrick, as they walked into the studio.

He shrugged. “A little, more excited than anything else.”

A man with a shock of red hair had greeted them as soon as they walked in.

“Sean, good to see you,” Bob said, making his way forward in between the guys and greeting the red-haired man.

“Hey Bob, what’s up man?” They gave each other firm handshakes and then Sean looked around him to the guys. “And you guys must be Fall Out Boy.”

Pete stepped up and shook the guy’s hand. “Hey man, Pete Wentz.”

“You the lead singer?”

“Nope, that’d be that adorable little guy over there,” Pete said, pointing at Patrick and grinning. Patrick let go of Harper’s hand and walked over to them to shake this Sean guy’s hand. “Patrick Stump,” Pete announced. “And this is Joe, our lead guitarist and that’s Andy, our crazy ass drummer.”

Sean smiled at each of them as he took turns shaking their hands. “Awesome, it’s great meeting you guys. I heard some of your rough cut demos and I got to say, some really bad ass stuff.” He gestured toward a dimly lit hallway. “Want to get acquainted with the studio?”

“Thought you’d never ask, man,” Pete said and they started to follow him down the hallway.

Harper hesitated, unsure if she should follow or hang out in the waiting room. She stretched out her left hand that Patrick had just let go of. She wished he was still by her side at the moment because she could feel her heart start to race. “You can come in too,” Bob said, coming up to her. She turned her attention to him and he gave her a relaxed smile.

“Oh, okay, I wasn’t sure…”

“Yeah, come on in.” He led her down the hall. “So you and Patrick are together, right?”

She felt weird having a conversation with a man so much older than them that wasn’t a professor or a parent. “Um, yeah we are.”

He nodded and seemed to be contemplating that for a moment. “So, how long have you been with him?”

“Two months?” She didn’t know why she said it with such uncertainty. She knew it was two months.

“Hmm, that’ interesting.”

Is it? She wondered.

“So, what do you make of all this?”

“Chicago?”

He chuckled. “No, all of this… this lifestyle that your boyfriend has chosen for himself.”

She glanced through the windowed door of the control room where Sean was showing the guys the layout of all of the audio equipment. She could that in front of the equipment were several windows that looked into the actual recording studios themselves. Patrick looked ecstatic, pointing to things and looking to Sean to answer the questions he was asking.

“I think it’s great. Patrick is really talented, this is what he should be doing,” she said, smiling as she watched him and Pete exchanged mutual looks of glee.

“I’m sure you’re going to miss him when he is traveling around the country in the spring,” Bob commented off-handedly.

Harper could feel her chest tighten suddenly from shock. “W…what?”

Bob looked at her with concern. “He did tell you didn’t he? The guys are going to be touring starting in January to promote this album.”

“How long?” she asked him, trying to recover from her initial astonishment.

“At least four months,” he replied.

Four months? She could feel her head start to get dizzy. She wondered why Patrick didn’t tell her yet. “Oh,” was all she said in reply.

Suddenly the door to the control room opened up and Patrick came out barely, grabbing her hand. “Harper, come look at this stuff,” he said, his eyes shining enthusiastically. Harper let him pull her into the room and he started explaining everything to her. “Okay, so this is a mixing console here, and that pretty much how we can combine the instruments and vocals together and this here is…” he kept going on, overwhelming her with new terminology that she had maybe heard somewhere before but it was still so new to her. She just nodded along, trying to keep her eyes focused on the equipment.

“Patrick, I think you’re boring her,” Joe said sarcastically, interrupting Patrick’s tour.

Patrick stopped and blushed. “Am I?” he glanced at her.

Harper looked at him with wide eyes, “No, you’re not. It’s a lot to take in all at once though,” she explained.

“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. I just… it’s so cool,” he said.

She gave him her most supportive smile and kissed his cheek. “It is really cool, I’m really excited for you.” He smiled back and kissed her on the head.

“Okay,” Sean said, interrupting them. “Let’s start going over these songs, and when Rich and Martin get here, we will start recording some stuff.”

Harper pushed Patrick toward the guys and escaped onto the long black leather couch that was pushed against the wall. She set her messenger bag on her lap and pulled out her laptop. Since she was going to have to wait there for a little and didn’t want to interrupt them, she decided it was a good time to work on her newest chapter of her story. She was nearly finished and Patrick was really pushing her to get to the end.

“I just want to know what will happen to Ada and Cross,” he had insisted, referring to the two star-crossed lovers in her story. “I am hoping for a happy ending.”

Ever since she started letting Patrick read her story, he became extremely pushy in making sure she finished it. He hounded her even more than Charley had to work on it, and if they were in his room doing nothing but watching a movie or if she was over at Pete and Andy’s watching them practice he would tell her to start writing.

As she delved into her latest chapter, she kept getting distracted by the laughter and chatter coming from the guys. They just seemed so excited and had so many thoughts that they wanted to get out. Eventually, two more men came into the studio that Sean introduced as Rich and Martin. Rich looked like he just came out of an Ed Hardy shop, complete with bulging tattooed biceps and a jeweled belt buckle, while Martin dressed in Vans sneakers, a Hurley t-shirt and kept his hair shaggy.

Harper learned very quickly that Sean was the main producer and they worked for him. They were all a lot older than Harper, so it made her a little wary around them. They talked about smoking pot and other illegal substances, swapping stories about anti-depressant meds with Pete, who Harper had learned from Patrick suffered from depression, and joked a lot about girls they slept with, which made Harper feel as naïve as Cassidy kept saying she was. Then the conversation would switch to music and they all started referenced hard core punk bands that Harper had never heard of. She felt like an idiot if she tried to bring up Green Day because that was the only “punk” band she knew of and these guys probably thought they were too “mainstream” to be included in these talks.

“So are you guys excited about the tour this spring?” Martin asked them, as they were listening to a playback of the instrumentals of one of the songs they had recorded.

Harper tried to pretend that she hadn’t heard him, but she had and it confirmed two things for her: that Bob was telling the truth and that Patrick was not telling her everything.

“Dude, if you mean are we ready to live out of hotel rooms for four months? Then yeah, fucking totally man,” Pete said eagerly.

She glanced up at Patrick who made eye contact with her. He looked guilty in just the few seconds that their eyes met. She quickly looked back down at her computer again.

“You guys are gonna love it. All the pussy you want man. Girls will literally be throwing themselves at you,” Rich remarked, leaning back in his swivel chair and kicking his feet up onto the sound table.

Harper could feel the heat rising up in her cheeks. She wondered if everyone had forgotten that she was there.

“Eh, they already throw themselves all over me,” Joe said with a sense of pride.

“Oh you mean that they throw their beers all over you, like those two girls at our party last weekend?” Andy teased.

“It’s all a game Andy, my man, it’s cat and mouse. You wait,” Joe replied.

“Right, okay,” Andy replied, glancing at Pete and Patrick who were both grinning.

“It’s not about the girls though,” Pete said, and he made eye contact with Harper, which made her blush. He knew she was listening to the conversation very carefully.

“Oh come on, don’t fool yourself, on some level the reason you got into music in the first place was to impress some girl,” Martin pointed out. He looked at Patrick. “Why did you get into music?”

Patrick looked flustered that he had addressed him so directly. “Um, well, it’s kinda in my family…”

Martin rolled his eyes. “Oh come on, be real man. Rock music, why did you do that instead of hanging out with the band geeks and choir freaks in high school?”

Patrick glanced at Harper and she looked back down at her computer, her face heated and her heart pounding. “Well, when I was fifteen, there was a girl who was really into punk rock…”

“Ha! I knew it,” Martin exclaimed. “Pussy controls our lives man. We’d do anything to get in a girl’s pants.”

“Wise words, Yoda,” Pete said sarcastically.

“So did it work?” Martin asked Patrick pointedly. Joe and Andy snickered.

“Did what work?” Patrick asked him.

“Did you get in her pants, this girl who you wanted to impress.”

“Oh um,”

Joe burst out laughing. “Don’t bother, Martin. Patrick here is still holding his v-card.”

Martin let out a low whistle and looked at Rich who was smiling. “Man, just wait. When you finally get a taste of it, you won’t be able to control yourself. It won’t matter who, where or when, you’ll want it all of the time. And you’ll have plenty of time and plenty of girls to choose from on the road to sow that seed.”

Harper slammed her laptop shut and jumped up off of the couch. “Um, I have to, um…” she avoided all eye contact with the guys and rushed out of the room, clutching her laptop and messenger bag in her arms. She was starting to regret lying to her parents and running away to Chicago with Patrick. She made her way out of the studio, bumping into some guy with dreads along the way.

“Hey honey, you okay?” he asked her, but she didn’t even acknowledge him. When she was outside, she moved away from the door and leaned against the outside of the building, exhaling and inhaling heavily, trying to calm herself down.

Why didn’t you think of this before Harper? Patrick is about to leave soon and he’ll be gone for four months. If you don’t give it to him now, he’ll get it from somewhere else and probably come back with an STD, she thought. She sunk to the ground, shoving her laptop in her bag and holding it tight. She could feel her eyes welling up. She didn’t know if she was more upset or embarrassed or if she was feeling a good mix of both. She sat there for a few minutes wondering if Patrick would come out to console her, but no one followed her out. She grabbed her phone and checked it. No text messages or missed calls. She gasped out a sob. She hadn’t felt this alone since the first day of college.

She quickly stood up then and dusted herself off. She needed to clear her head and get away for a little bit. She opened up her phone’s map application and decided that she would do some exploring of the city. It was only two in the afternoon, and she knew that the guys expected to be in the studio for at least another five or six hours. So, with her map out, she started walking, trying to close out her thoughts.

She headed down Monroe Street then onto Michigan Avenue, coming up onto the Chicago Symphony Center. She saw a small bakery/café restaurant there and slipped inside. She eased her way in line and ordered herself a peppermint mocha coffee and a small pastry. She hadn’t realized that she had yet eaten and as soon as she was seated at a table near the window, she scarfed down her pastry and sipped hungrily on her mocha. She was tempted to pull out her laptop, but instead decided to discreetly people watch. It was something that she used to do at the Starbucks in her hometown. She loved making up stories about the people who walked into the café, giving them alternate lives that she could see them having. She decided to do just that, especially since there were so many people to choose from in that busy café.

“Um, excuse me.” Startled, she tore her eyes away from an elderly couple walking a small Yorkshire terrier past her window. She looked up at the person who broke her from her thoughts. It was a tall boy, maybe man, he looked a little older than she was, with brown hair that fell just below his ears in waves. He was wearing a pea coat and scarf with a pair of dark jeans and black modern looking loafers. He had a pleasing smile and piercing blue eyes. “So, all of the other tables seem to be taken and I see you have an extra seat. Do you mind if I…” he gestured toward the empty seat on the other side of her table.

Harper gulped. “Oh, sure, yeah, go right ahead.” She glanced down at her coffee cup as he sat down. He pulled off his pea coat revealing a lavender button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. His forearms looked strong, his veins prominent as he clutched his cup of coffee. She gave him a small smile.

“Thanks a lot,” he said with a sigh. “This place just gets so busy this time of day.” he then extended his hand over the table. “Name is Nicholas, by the way.”

“Harper,” she replied, taking his hand and shaking it.

He smiled. “Like the author right?” She raised an eyebrow at him in surprise. “I’m an English major at University of Chicago, trust me Harper Lee is in my repertoire,” he explained.

“Really?!” she said, straightening up. “I am too. An English major, I mean.”

It was his turn to brighten up. “No kidding! That’s a real coincidence. So are you a freshman at Chicago or…”

“Oh no. I mean, yes, I’m a freshman, but I go to Temple University, in Philly.” She then blushed. “Do I really look that much like a freshman?”

He grinned. “It’s your doe eyes and awe-filled expressions that gave it away. You look like you could be older, but you haven’t had enough experiences yet to be that old.” He took a sip of his coffee. “So tell me, Harper from Temple, what brings you to the Windy City?”

“Oh, well, it’s fall break and I’m here with… some friends,” she stammered.

“And where are your friends?” he asked her, glancing around the restaurant.

“Oh, they are in a recording studio,” she replied. “They recently got this record deal and came here to record.”

“Hmm, very cool. Guess you’re not a band member then?”

“No, just a fan of their music,” she said. She thought the truth would make her sound like a sad, clingy girlfriend who only tagged along with her boyfriend and then ran out because she realized that he was probably going to dump her as soon as he became famous.

“Well, welcome to Chicago,” he held up his coffee cup and clinked it with hers. “Cheers!”

They both took a sip and Harper couldn’t help but smile at him as she sipped her coffee. “So, judging by how you were able to read me so well, I’m guessing you’re not a freshman.”

He nodded. “You are correct madam. I am a senior right now.” He studied her facial response. “Does that intimidate you?”

Whoa, he’s bold, she thought. And entirely accurate. “Is it that obvious?”

“You are not good at hiding your emotions,” he admitted. “However, no one really sees me as intimidating, so it’s a rare treat to be seen as such.”

“Well, then you’re welcome.” She blushed and glanced down at her coffee again.

“Can I tell you something, Harper, without you getting offended?”

“Um, sure?”

“If it’s possible, embarrassment looks extremely attractive on you.” He winked at her and she could feel her cheeks turning redder.

She giggled at his response because she wasn’t really sure what else to do. “Um, thank you… so, what are you, um going to do after school?” she asked him, trying to steer the conversation away from her.

“What I’m doing now. Editor. I am interning for a division of the Simon and Schuster publishing firm and they have already guaranteed me a spot as an editorial assistant after graduation.”

“So you will be editing manuscripts for possible publication? That’s awesome. What kind of books?”

“I’ll be working with the editors who handle the young adult fiction division. One of our writers is Diane Woodall. You might know of her, I think she actually teaches at Temple.”

Harper gasped. “Yes, she is my favorite author, of all time! I can’t wait to take her class.”

He grinned. “I am sure it will be the best class you have there.”

“No doubt, it definitely will be!” she exclaimed. “Her writing inspired me to create my own work.”

“Ah so you are a writer then?”

“Oh, um, not like a real one. Maybe one day,” she said with a shrug.

“Well, if you decide you want to try publishing something, let me know. I’d be happy to help you in any way that I can.” He grabbed her phone from the table and entered his number in it, then called his phone and he pulled it out of his pocket. She couldn’t believe how bold he was. “There, Harper, now you have my contact information, should you ever need it.”

“Thanks, that’s really amazing.”

“Psh, you saved me from having to drink my coffee back at my desk all alone without a beautiful girl to chat with so I owe you one.” She blushed again. “Ah, there are those rosy cheeks.” Suddenly her phone vibrated. Nicholas still had it in his hands and glanced down at it. “A Patrick is calling you.”

Suddenly a fit of guilt and shame washed over Harper. She realized she had been sitting there flirting with this guy and had completely forgotten about Patrick. She tried to ignore the small part of her that was feeling vengeful about the entire situation and grabbed the phone from Nicholas. “Hello?” she gave him an apologetic look, but he held his hands up in deference.

“Harper! Where are you? We got done recording and you aren’t here. Are you okay? Are you hurt?” she could hear the panic in his voice and felt even guiltier.

“No, no, I’m fine. I just went for a walk and ended up grabbing some coffee and food.”

“Oh, well, where are you? We will come and pick you up,” he replied.

“It’s called the Corner Bakery? It’s right off of Michigan Avenue,” she said.

“Okay, we will be there shortly,” he paused and then said, “I love you, Harper.”

She glanced at Nicholas and then said softly, “I love you too.” When she hung up the phone, she cleared her throat. “Um…”

“Ah, so when you said you were here with friends, you meant your boyfriend,” Nicholas replied, but he didn’t show any signs of anger or malice in his voice or face. He just looked amused.

“Well, yes and his friends. They’re all in a rock band together,” she replied.

“Hmm, well, he’s a very lucky guy,” he said. “So does this mean we have to stop talking?”

“Oh no, not at all,” she replied. “I mean, this is just coffee and some friendly conversation, right?”

He laughed. “That’s exactly right. And if I may say so, I think fate brought us together, Harper.”

She eventually received a text from Patrick saying that they were out front and she stood up. “I guess I should go.”

“Yes, that’s probably a good idea. Let me walk you out. That would be the gentleman thing to do.” He stood up and she felt his hand barely graze her back as he led her out of the café. It made her feel good and bad all at the same time.

She saw their van as she exited the bakery and Patrick was sitting in the back seat, looking at her worriedly. She started toward the van when Nicholas said, “Harper wait.” She paused and turned toward him. He placed his hands on her shoulders and she froze. “It was really great meeting you. I hope to see a manuscript soon from you. I feel that fate isn’t done with us yet.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek so softly that it sent chills down her spine. “Have a good time in Chicago, Harper.”

With that, he swiftly walked away, his pea coat billowing behind him, looking just like a romantic hero in some chick flick. She watched him walk away just for a second before realizing that Patrick probably had just seen him kiss her cheek. Oh no, she thought and she turned around swiftly and saw all of the guys staring at her. Her cheeks grew hot and she quickly opened the door to the van and sat in her seat, refusing to look at any of them. She didn’t know why she had to feel the way she did. It wasn’t a kiss on the lips and she had only talked to the guy for maybe an hour or two.

“Who was that?” Patrick asked as Pete pulled away from the curb.

Harper looked up and met his eyes. She could see a little bit of jealousy and pain there. “Someone who needed a seat in the coffee shop,” she replied testily. Then as if she wanted to twist the knife further she added, “He’s a senior at University of Chicago and is also an English major. We were just talking about our favorite authors and stuff. It sure beat talking about getting high and fucking groupies.” Harper! Her inner voice exclaimed. Where did that come from? She could see the jealousy in Patrick’s eyes fade and could see the guilt seep in. She started to feel terrible, but then she remembered that he had lied to her and her ire grew once more. “He was telling me that I should come to Chicago in the spring, that it is really pretty here. Since you’ll be touring for like four months, I’m sure you won’t care.”

She watched Patrick’s face blanche. “Harper, I’m…” he trailed off when she turned away from him.
She felt like a jerk instantly. She was sure that he had planned on telling her and she couldn’t really blame him for the conversation in the recording studio because he was dragged into it, but there was an irrationality that took over her mind in that instant.

Silence fell over the van for a few minutes. Harper was wondering what the other guys were thinking. I bet they are wishing Patrick never brought me, she thought. Within the silence, she heard Joe, who was in the passenger seat next to Pete, mutter, “This is why I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Harper frowned and looked up. “No, Joe, you don’t have a girlfriend because you’re a dick,” she said loudly and angrily.

Pete looked directly at her through the rearview mirror, his eyes wide. Joe turned around and stared at her, shocked. She glanced at Patrick and Andy who were both looking at her with stunned expressions as well. Then suddenly, Pete started laughing and all of the other guys did as well, including Joe. The laughter was loud and resounded throughout the van. She couldn’t help but laugh at her own expense and Joe’s, although she instantly regretted saying what she said.

“Harper, that might have been the funniest thing that I’ve heard all day,” Pete said through his laughter.

“And the most honest,” Andy added.

Harper glanced at Joe. “Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

Joe shrugged, his face bright, “I mean, you’re pretty much right,” he replied. “It’s all good.”

She sighed and leaned her head back against the headrest of her seat and stared out of the window. She felt Patrick’s hand rest on hers and she glanced at him. His eyes were pleading with her to forgive him, to see that he had no intentions of hurting her. She believed them too because deep down she knew that Patrick wasn’t trying to deceive her. He told her that he loved her. However, a part of her still felt the sting of the lie, so she refused to return his look, and continued to stare out the window. However, the part of her that wanted to forgive him made sure she didn’t move her hand from his the rest of the ride back to his dad’s apartment.