The New Face of Failure

Now, look, I have done the long distance thing. And it is hard. As hell. And it doesn't matter how good the relationship is, it literally can just rip it apart. Look, it is just very hard to be away from the person you love for months at a time. – Going the Distance

The hallway of the English department looked ominous in the early evening hour. Apparently, there were no night classes and with the exception of some janitors, there were no other people on the floor except Harper and Patrick, and Dr. Woodall, locked away in her office.

Harper had fretted the entire week, trying to figure out what to wear and what to say when she finally met the woman that she aspired to be one day. “It’s not every day you get to meet your idol, Cassidy,” she had said exasperatedly as she tore through her closet and drawers looking for an acceptable outfit.

“I’m sure she won’t care what you’re wearing. I mean unless this is like a date or something,” Cassidy cracked.

Harper rolled her eyes. “Cassidy…”

“Okay, okay, let’s find you something young and professional then. I mean, that’s what I would wear, but hurry up, I have to uh, meet someone.”

Harper paused and raised an eyebrow at Cassidy. She knew exactly who she was meeting, so she wasn’t sure why she was trying to hide it. Ever since the rugby match, Cassidy and Joe were sneaking away to hook up. Cassidy tried to remain subtle about it, but when Harper was alone with Patrick and Joe in their room, Joe couldn’t stop talking about it.

“I think he’s in love,” Patrick had joked with her.

But when they asked him about it, he said they were just having fun. When she asked Cassidy about it, she denied that they were doing anything at all. Harper would have liked to stick her nose further into their business, but she had her own stuff to deal with, primarily her meeting with Dr. Woodall.

Harper and Patrick stopped in front of the large oak door that was Dr. Woodall’s office. She turned to look at Patrick and took a deep breath. “Okay, I can do this.”

“You can do this,” Patrick restated, rubbing her shoulders. “Go in there and meet her.”

“Ugh, okay. I mean, I was kind of hoping that I would have a year or two until I could get into her Creative Writing course… time for me to grow out of being weird and awkward…”

“Harper, go,” Patrick ordered, pushing her toward the door.

“Come with me?” she begged.

“Nope, you have to do this on your own.” Patrick stepped back a little, separating them with some space.
Pouting, she turned around and knocked lightly on the door.

“Yes, come in,” came a lithe feminine, yet authoritative voice from the other side.

Harper turned the knob and with one last glance at Patrick, she slipped inside the office.

Dr. Woodall’s office was everything that she had imagined it would be. The walls were lined with tall bookcases, filled with an assortment of literature. Harper didn’t need a library, she could just sit in that room and read the books that were worthy enough to end up on Diane Woodall’s private bookshelf.

In the center of the small office sat a wooden desk, littered with papers and notebooks and a sleek, white desktop computer. She looked just like her book jacket picture, long blonde hair styled with horned rimmed glasses and just a few wrinkles around her mouth and eyes, proof of a life lived full of laughter and happiness. She wasn’t an actress or a singer, but to Harper, she was beautiful.

Her honey colored eyes met Harper’s and she smiled in a motherly fashion and stood up. “Harper Williams, it is so nice to finally meet you.” She walked around her desk and approached Harper, holding her hand out to be shook.

Harper quickly wiped her sweaty palm against her jeans and shook her hand. “Dr. Woodall, it is really nice to meet you, I mean, you are.. you’re amazing,” she stammered.

“Please, call me Diane,” she replied, leaning against her desk. “Why don’t you take a seat?”

Harper was grateful for the suggestion because she always felt awkward standing. She never knew where to put her hands or how her feet should look. She dropped down into one of the chairs in front of Diane’s desk. “So what can I do for you, Doctor, I mean, Diane?”

“Ah, it’s not what you can do for me, but what I can do for you, Harper.” She reached behind her and grabbed a large stack of papers, and handed it to Harper.

Harper looked down at the papers, her eyes not believing what they were seeing. The title of her story was staring up at her with her name underneath. She opened the pages and flipped through them, seeing her story about Ada, Cross and the mechanical men laid out in front of her. She could feel a panic rising in her chest. “Wha… how… how did you get this?”

Diane smiled, but said nothing. “Harper, I’ve read that twice now, and I have to say, it is an amazing story.”

Harper’s breath got caught in her throat. Did Diane Woodall just say she liked my story? She thought, her mind starting to buzz with excitement.

“My editors at Simon and Schuster have been begging me to find new talent to bring to the Young Adult world, preferably younger writers, such as yourself. I have seen a lot of stories come across my desk, but this one has captivated me, and not just because the genre is one so familiar to me. You have a way of creating such realistic young characters. That’s needed right now in the YA lit world when so many people who write it are older and trying to write the characters with an older sense of the world. I brought this to my editors and they loved it. They see a market for it, and they would like to work with you to publish it.”

Harper’s heart pounded in her ears. “Publish… my story?”

Diane chuckled. “Yes, Harper, your story. I am not going to be around forever and I would like to know that there are amazing writers out there who can continue writing inspiring works for young people when I am gone.”

Harper thought she was talking a bit macabre considering she was probably only in her late 40’s, but she was a writer so Harper ignored it.

“Now, my editors and literary agent would like to sit down and meet with you. I was thinking right before Christmas. They are very excited about it and I could realistically see the book getting published by March.”

“March?”

“Yes, March. I know that isn’t very far off. Then there are book tours to consider, but Mae, my literary agent will talk more with you about that. That is if you want to work with me and my team. I do not want to force you, you are welcome to take your story to another publisher… but I promise you Harper that I will make sure my team takes care of you and gets your book the attention it deserves.”

Harper’s head was spinning. “I don’t know what to say, Diane, I mean, I never imagined… thank you,” she finally said.

“Well, if it wasn’t for that boy refusing to leave my office until I read the first chapter, we may not be having this conversation,” Diane replied, crossing her arms. By her smile, Harper could tell there was something she was hiding that she wanted to get off her chest.

“What?” Harper looked at her confused.

“You have a very supportive boyfriend Harper. That’s good because you need people who support you in your life, if you are ever going to succeed.” She took the manuscript out of Harper’s hands and placed it on her desk. “So, what do you say?”

Harper tried to hold back her tears. She never thought that this would happen to her, not yet, not even in five years. She had just wanted to get through college. Now, she had the opportunity to get her first novel published. She had never felt more love for Patrick than in that moment. “I think I would like to meet your agent and editors,” she said in a small voice.

Diane grinned. “Excellent. I am very excited by this.” She handed Harper a business card. “This is my agent’s card, Mae Anderson. I already have your contact information so she will be in touch shortly to set up a meeting time.”

“I’ll be at home…”

“Not a problem. We will come to you. I’m sure your parents will have questions as well anyway, however, I want to remind you Harper, you are an adult, so in the end these decisions are yours to make.”

Harper nodded earnestly. “Yes, I know, I understand.”

“Great. Okay then, we will be in touch.” She shook Harper’s hand once more and Harper stood up slowly.

“Um, Diane?” She said, pausing before she opened the door.

“Yes, Harper?”

“Thank you again, for thinking my writing is good enough.”

Diane just smiled and sat down at her desk. “I’m not the one you should be thanking, dear.” She winked and then turned to her computer.

Harper closed the door silently behind her and looked up to see Patrick leaning against the outer wall, playing with the edges of his cardigan. He looked up at her when he heard the door close and had a hopeful look on his face. “So, what did she want?”

Harper blinked a few tears out of her eyes and walked straight over to him, pressing him up against the wall and kissing him in happiness. “Why are you so amazing?” she whispered when she broke the kiss.

The left side of his mouth sneaked up his face. “She snitched on me didn’t she?” he said, wrapping his arms around Harpers’ waist and resting them there.

Harper’s face hurt from smiling so wide, but she couldn’t stop. “I can’t believe you gave her my story! Patrick, she’s going to publish it!”

“I know,” he said with a knowing grin. “At least I was pretty sure. When I took it to her, she read the first chapter and said she loved it. She said her publishers were looking for something like this and said she’d do whatever she could to help you.”

“She said you refused to leave her office!”

“Yeah, that was a little scary. I thought she was going to call the cops on me, but I guess I don’t look that threatening.”

“You, threatening? Never, but at least you convinced her to read it,” Harper replied.

“So she’s really going to try and get it published then?”

“Her editors have already seen it. They are going to be coming to my house the week before Christmas with her agent to discuss options and stuff,” Harper explained.

“So you’re going to be a famous author now, huh? Well, don’t forget about us little people, while you’re sitting on a movie set watching Ada and Cross come to life.”

Harper laughed. “Little people? Okay, whatever, you’re the one who’s going to have a legion of fans screaming your name every night on stage. I’m just getting a book published. How many books get published that never gain the type of following that Diane or J.K. Rowling have?”

Patrick shook his head. “Yours will. I know it because it has to.”

“What do you mean, it has to?” she asked.

Patrick looked away. “Um, you know, I’m not sure, I just think that, I guess…” he shrugged the rest of this thought away.

A thought struck Harper in that moment. “Do you think this will be easier if we both are like… you know, famous and stuff?”

Patrick’s eyes widened. “What!? No, I just… you are going to be sacrificing a lot to be with me in the future, if people actually like us and all, and I just want to make sure…” he trailed off, but she knew what he was trying to say. He wanted to make sure Harper had something else besides him, her own success to keep her occupied while he was away on tour. “It’s not just that,” he said. “I want you to see how talented you are, and that I’m not the only one who thinks so.”

She buried her head in his chest. “I know Patrick. Thank you, you’re the best.”

Her meeting with Diane and what the future held consumed her the next few weeks, which didn’t help when she was trying to study for finals. She also could feel Patrick’s impending tour weighing on her, making her a little irrational at times when they were together. Every time they were together, she felt like she was drowning and trying to reach him. To make matters worse, they were both going home for Christmas break and she would only see him for one week over New Years. Then he would be leaving for LA again in January, and he wouldn’t be making it back to the east coast until April. She was starting to realize that those last couple of weeks of school might be all they had left for a long time.

“Okay, so conjugate ‘haber’ in all six ways,” Patrick said, staring at the Spanish textbook in front of him.

Harper heaved a sigh. “He, has, ha, hemos, habeis, han,” she rattled off. Patrick grinned.

“Wow, you are way better at this than me.”

“I love language,” she said sarcastically. “Hence English major?”

He blushed and fixed his glasses. “Oh yeah, sorry.” He looked back down at the book. “Okay, so if I wanted to say “I have written”, what would it be?”

“He escrito. Come on, give me some harder stuff, Patrick,” she moaned, sprawling out on the uncomfortable wooden chair in the study lounge of their dorm room.

“Well, I don’t know if there is anything harder for you,” he said. “Why don’t you quiz me for a little?”

“Okay.” she grabbed the book from him and searched through it. “Okay, so explain to me when you use the verb, estar, and when you use the verb, ser.”

Patrick groaned. “I hate those two verbs and their kinship.” He paused, running his hands through his hair to think. “Okay, we use estar when we are talking about location and… um something else and ser when describing something?”

“Well, that’s like two points,” Harper sighed. “Okay, estar, we use it for location, position, action, emotion and like mental and physical conditions. And we use ser for origin, like Soy de Philadelphia, characteristics, time, description, occupation and relationship.”

“Like tu es mi novia,” Patrick said with a grin.

Harper paused and found herself blushing. “Yes, and tu es mis novio and estas necesitando estudiar mas.”

“Hey! Did you just call me stupid?!” he said trying to sound hurt, but his face looked more amused.

“Oh my god,” she laughed, shutting the book. “There is no hope!” she stood up and stretched. “Don’t you have to get to Pete and Andy’s house?” she looked at the clock on the wall.

“What, are you trying to get rid of me?” Patrick asked her, standing up and rushing to her, his hands catching the skin under her shirt before she lowered her arms. His touch made her body quiver, but she didn’t want to feel that way at the moment. She was wallowing in her thoughts of being alone and she was content to stay that way. She pulled away from him slightly and he let go of her, taken aback. “Are you okay Harper?” he asked her.

She tugged her shirt over her stomach. “Yeah, I’m fine Patrick. I just don’t want you to be late, that’s all.”

Patrick smiled. “I appreciate that, but it’s not like they are having the party in our honor. It’s just a little Christmas get together. There will be a lot of people coming and going.” When she didn’t make a move toward him, his smile faltered. “Harper, what’s wrong? You’re acting weird.”

“I’m acting weird!? You’re acting weird,” she shot back because she couldn’t think of a better comeback.

Patrick walked back over to their study desk and started packing everything up. “Harper, is this about the tour?”

“What? No.”

“One minute you act like yourself, the next, you’re acting like a less attractive bitchy version of yourself. Sounds like you’re kind of thinking about the tour…”

“Wow, thanks Patrick, good to know there are times you don’t find me attractive,” she said hostilely.

“Okay, that’s not what I meant. I think you’re beautiful, Harper, you know that…”

“But not when I’m angry right? Because good little Harper never gets angry,” she said, feeling hot tears tickle her lashes.

“What! Harper, stop putting words in my mouth. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. You’re just acting not like yourself, that’s all.” Harper sniffled a little bit, and she felt Patrick’s arms circle her. Although she didn’t hug him back, it felt good to have his arms around her. “Harper, everything is going to be okay.
Christmas break will be over before we know it and…”

“And you’ll be gone and I’ll be stuck here.”

“But you’ll be busy getting your novel published! And didn’t Diane say they wanted to do a book tour? Who knows, maybe we’ll end up in the same city at the same time a couple of times,” Patrick said. She looked up at him appreciating his optimism. She was never good with optimism.

“Yeah, maybe,” she said, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt. She knew what she was doing was ridiculous, but a part of her couldn’t help it. “I think my crazy normal girl part of my mind is coming out,” she said, stifling a self-deprecating laugh.

“It’s okay, my normal dick boy part of my mind was coming out for a minute too,” he replied, and she returned his hug. “Hey, come here for a second.”

He pulled her back over to the desk, where his backpack was. “I was going to wait until Sunday to give this to you, before your parents picked you up to head home, but I think now is a good time.” He rummaged through his backpack and pulled out a small box wrapped in candy cane wrapping paper. “Merry Christmas Harper.”

She carefully tore away the wrapping paper off of the box and then took the top off. Inside was a thin silver necklace and on the necklace was a silver guitar pic with ‘P+H’ inscribed. She looked up at Patrick questioningly.

“Um, that was, is my lucky pic. I went to some place to have it casted in silver and made into a necklace. I figured it would protect you for me while I’m gone…. Oh,” he raced around to her backside and taking the necklace from her, placed it around her neck, fastening it.

She rested her hand on the pic and chewed on her lip to keep from crying. “Patrick, it’s beautiful. I never…” she turned around to face him. “I’m never taking it off.”

“Well, good,” he said with a smile. “Harper, I love you, and I just wanted to give you something that would remind you of that.” He leaned forward and kissed her lips softly.

Harper felt herself letting go, her tears flowing freely as they kissed. All her emotions seemed to be pouring out of her in that moment, all of the fear, anxiety and happiness that she was feeling. His insistent mouth pushed further into the kiss, ignoring the salty taste of her tears, parting her moist lips and hungrily taking all of her.

And when they weren’t having tiny arguments, Harper and Patrick were locked away in his room, , grabbing and pulling, caressing and moaning until they were laying on top of each other in a sweaty, exhausted state. Harper’s lower body ached partly from the orgasms that would come and go and the fullness of Patrick when he was inside her. She honestly had no idea how they were able to squeeze in so much sex in between everything else that was happening, but it was the one thing they both agreed that they had to make time for.

“I’m glad your parents are letting you stay with me over New Years,” he said to her as she idly traced the outline of his belly button with her finger. Joe had disappeared with Cassidy, yet again, and had left them alone in Patrick’s room and they wasted no time undressing and consuming each other.

“Me too, I think they are finally starting to get over the whole Chicago thing,” Harper replied, kissing his bare chest. “It might help that I am actually passing all of my classes.”

“Have you told them about your book deal?”

Harper gave him a guilty look. “No, not yet. They know Dr. Woodall is visiting, but I haven’t really gave them all of the details. I just said that she wanted to talk to me about my writing some more and be a mentor. They were okay with it, but not entirely thrilled. Remember, they don’t like the idea of me being a writer.”

“But if they knew you would actually be making money,” Patrick protested.

“I don’t know if it matters to them. It’s still out of their comfort zone.” She climbed on top of Patrick, straddling his hips. “I don’t care though. It’s not their decision in the end.” She leaned down and kissed his lips, then his neck and then his collarbone. “Do you want to go again?” She asked him.

“Seriously? You’re ready already?!” he exclaimed.

She was serious. Although she was swollen, her craving for him was greater than the pain. “Please Patrick?” she whispered into his ear, and he grabbed her by her arms and rolled her over onto her back.
“Well, you don’t have to beg me,” he said, grinning wildly.

And that’s how the last few weeks of school went until Harper’s parents picked her up and took her home. Patrick walked her out of the dorm, her parents waiting at the curb with Charley in tow. Cassidy and Joe were also with them, standing close enough to touch, yet not making any moves to do so. Harper wished they would just admit that what they were doing was more than just sex and save everyone else the trouble of dealing with their awkwardness when they were in public.

She and Patrick walked up to her family’s SUV and her dad approached them.

“Patrick,” he said stoutly, shaking Patrick’s hand.

“Mr. Williams, hi,” Patrick replied, straightening himself up. Harper bit her lip and giggled at his attempt to act proper.

“So, Harper, everything packed and ready to go?” her father asked, turning to her.

“Yep, looks like it.” She handed him her suitcase and he took it to the back of the SUV.

“Harper, aren’t you going to introduce me to your boyfriend!?” Charley exclaimed loudly, bounding toward her.

Harper blushed. “Charley, Patrick, Patrick, Charley.”

Charley grinned. “You are pretty cute in person. I can see why Harper’s in love with you,” Charley replied cheekily, making Patrick go red.

“Thanks, I guess,” he said, glancing at Harper warily.

“Patrick it is good to see you again,” her mother said, coming up to them hesitantly. “Harper, how’d finals go?”

“They went well, I guess. I’ll find out in a few days, anyway.” She gave her mom a kiss on the cheek.

“So Patrick, I hear you aren’t returning to school next semester?” Her father said, as he approached them again.

“Um, no sir. Our recording label has us touring all spring once the CD comes out in January,” he explained.

“Well, I’m sure your mother isn’t happy about that,” he grunted. Harper shot her dad a warning look. The last thing she wanted him to do was start a fight with Patrick.

“No, you’re right, she’s not. But, she understands that this is what I want to do, so she’s accepting it, for the most part.” Patrick smirked.

“Well, good luck to you. I hope it all works out,” her father said.

“Thanks, me too,” Patrick replied and she could see the relief sweep over his face. She felt it too.

“All right then, Harper, we should probably hit the road. Traffic is going to be a killer soon,” her father stated.

“Yeah okay.”

“Nice to meet you Patrick!” Charley cried out, waving grandly as she jumped into the SUV.

Harper felt someone’s hand on her shoulder and turned. “I’m going to freakin’ miss you,” Cassidy said, pulling Harper into a long hug. Harper tried to keep from crying. Even though it was only four weeks, leaving all of them behind was going to be rough. Especially Patrick. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him yet.

“Hey, we’ll see each other at the New Year’s party, right?” Harper asked her and Cassidy nodded, wiping tears out of her eyes. “And when we get back we are going to go shopping to redecorate.”

“Yes, so pumped about that,” Cassidy laughed through her tears.

Joe came next, and he gave Harper a quick hug. “We’ll see you soon. It’ll be nice to not have to wake up to your snoring for awhile,” he joked and Harper rolled her eyes, punching him lightly in the shoulder.

“And I don’t have to smell your hair after you haven’t washed it for a day,” she jabbed.

She then came to Patrick. She saw his eyes were glistening with tears, which he was trying to blink away. “Call me when you get home safely?” he asked her.

She gulped back a sob and wrapped her arms around his neck tightly. “I don’t want to leave you,” she whispered. He tightened his grip on her waist.

“It’ll be okay, Harper. We’ll see each other in a couple of weeks and then,” he couldn’t finish because she knew that after that it would be months before they could be in the same city again. “Come here,” he murmured, bringing her lips to his.

A different Harper would have been embarrassed to let her parents see her passionately kissing her boyfriend, but this Harper didn’t care. She didn’t know if they understood what it was like to feel this way about someone, if they ever felt that way about each other, but she would make them understand, if nothing else than to dig that guilt knife deeper into their chests for what they did two months ago in Chicago.

Gently, Patrick pulled away, kissing her forehead. “You have to go,” he whispered.

“I know, but I don’t want to,” she said, gripping the lapels of his leather jacket.

“Harper,” he said, trying to reason with her.

She nodded. “I know.”

“I love you, babe, I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

She nodded and made her way to the car. Once inside, she leaned her head against the window and watched Patrick, who waved until her parents’ car was out of sight.