The New Face of Failure

Relationships are for people who are just waiting for something better to come along – Hitch

Patrick stared at the TV, but he wasn’t really paying attention to what was on it. It had been two weeks since Harper went back home for Christmas break. He had went back home, and although they had a few meetings with Bob, for the most part, everything was quiet. With Christmas around the corner, he could understand that a lot of people were focusing more on the holiday and less on business matters. However, with Joe whisked away to New York to visit his mom’s family for Christmas and Pete and Andy huddled around their own families, Patrick felt lonely and remained in a primarily vegetative state on his couch, texting Harper constantly. She seemed to be equally as bored as he was, with the exception of her meeting with Diane and her parents, which seemed to go well.

“Hey babe, how was it?” he had asked her when she called.

“Well, I think my parents are a little stunned,” she replied. “But, I met her agent, Mae and she is so smart, and I met her editors Dan and William and they set out a timeline and showed me some of the revisions that they wanted to make.”

“Were there a lot?”

“No, not as many as I thought. But anyway, they are expecting to release the book in March, and they want me to do a book tour that month to support it.”

“What about school?”

“Diane said she already talked to my professors for next semester and they will work with me while I’m gone that month. I mean, theoretically, it’s only a month, right?”

“Yeah, true. That’s awesome though. I am so happy for you,” he said, and in all honesty, he was. “Do you know where you will be going yet?”

“No, though I did kind of slip a copy of your schedule to Mae to see if she could somehow slip in a few dates that would align.”

“Oh man, what did she say?”

“She just said, “young love, how I miss it,” and that was it.”

“You can tell she’s a literary agent,” He laughed.

“Yeah, right?”

He loved hearing her voice, and would have loved it even more if she was right there with him, mourning the fact that no good television shows aired during the holiday season. He started to wonder how he was going to survive not having Harper around for four months. He had always been worried about her, but never thought that he could feel that lonely and miss her that much.

“Honey, do you want to come to Robert’s work’s holiday party with us?” his mother had called out from the top of the stairs.

Patrick muted the TV. “Um, no, mom, that’s okay, I’m just going to hang here.”

“Come on son, you need to get off that couch some time,” Robert commented, wandering into the living room from the kitchen.

Patrick looked at his step-father with apathy. “I will, when I’m hungry and want to get some food.”

Robert raised his eyebrow at him. “All right then,” he sighed. “Patricia! Come on now, we are going to be late!”

His mother hurried down the stairs. “Patrick, Megan is over at Claudia’s for the night, so if she calls and needs to be picked up,”

“All over it mom,” he replied. She smiled and kissed the top of his head.

“Don’t worry, honey, one more week and Harper will be here,” she said, making Patrick grimace with embarrassment. “Oh what, you think your mother doesn’t know why you are so mopey? You’ve spent all your time with her the last four months, I know how much you care about her.”

“Mom,” Patrick whined, hating when she got mushy.

“Okay, okay, well, we are going to head out now.”

His mom and Robert left, leaving Patrick alone in the house. He started flipping through the channels, wondering what awful Christmas special might be on, when he heard the doorbell ring. He reluctantly got up, thinking it was just his mom and that she forgot something.

When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Annie standing there in a pair of fuzzy black boots and a peacoat, her once all black hair now a honey almond color. Her dark eyeliner was gone and it looked like she was actually wearing blush. Patrick felt his stomach twist uncomfortably.

“Patrick!?” she looked at him as if it was the first time she had ever seen him.

“Annie, wow, I was not expecting you,” he said.

“Yeah, sorry, I, um, I’m back for Christmas break and I wanted to come over and see you. I had texted you a while ago, but,”

“Yeah, I’ve been busy with school and the band and my girlfriend and stuff,” he said weakly.

“Oh,” she glanced down at her feet. “So, can I come in? I wanted to catch up.”

Patrick had a strong feeling of trying to shoo her away, but something inside him pushed that feeling down. “Um, sure, yeah, come on in.”

Inside, she took off her coat, and underneath it was a low-cut, formfitting t-shirt that was just raised enough for him to see her hips. Patrick quickly looked away. “Um, I was just watching TV,” he mumbled, walking into the living room, hoping that maybe she wouldn’t follow.

She did and when he sat down, she sat down next to him, so close that their knees slightly touched. Patrick quickly pulled his away. “So, um, it’s been a long time,” he stated obviously.

“Yeah it has been. I’m so sorry I haven’t talked to you in awhile. School was really hard last year and then my mom let me travel to Europe…”

“Yeah, I heard form Caroline.” Caroline was one of Annie’s friends that would frequent Pete and Andy’s parties.

“Oh, cool. So anyway, I finally picked up my guitar again, can you believe it? It’s been forever since I’ve played.”

Patrick remembered how good she was. He thought she was going to form her own all-girl punk band. That was her dream anyway. From the looks of it now, that dream was far away, as was the girl she used to be when Patrick was head over heels for her. So why am I still getting a strange knotting feeling in my stomach? He thought.

“That’s crazy. I think I have permanent calluses on mine,” he joked.

“Yeah, the band! Wow, that’s incredible. I always knew you guys would make it though.” She started asking him questions about Pete, Andy and Joe and about the tour and the album. When they talked music, the conversation started getting easier for Patrick. That was what brought the two of them together. It was what made Patrick like her so much when he was sixteen. He could feel himself relax a little bit the more they talked and didn’t realize that almost two hours had passed before she turned the conversation away from the band and toward more personal matters.

“So, you have a girlfriend now?” she suddenly asked him, when their conversation had hit a lull.
Patrick instinctively glanced at his phone. He realized that Harper had sent a few texts. “Uh, yeah,” he said, distracted. He picked up the phone and scrolled through her texts.

MY MOM WANTS TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHIRTS YOU LIKE. I SAID ONES THAT COVER HIM LOL

SORRY BAD JOKE

ANYWAY LET ME KNOW. I THINK SHE’S SERIOUS BY THE LOOK SHE’S GIVING ME.

“Is that her?” Annie asked, leaning forward to look at his phone. As she did, Patrick caught the sight of her cleavage, her light purple bra sticking ever so slightly out. Patrick put the phone away so that she would sit up.

“Yeah, it is. Um, her name is Harper. She goes to Temple too.”

“So where is she?”

“Um, at home… she lives a couple hours away from Philly.”

“Oh cool… So how’s your mom?”

“Oh you know, she’s constantly freaking out,” Patrick replied. Annie knew a lot about his brother and father and how they left the family to pursue their music careers. It was one of the things that had brought them close because Annie’s father left her mom when she was really young, younger than Patrick was when his parents divorced. Only difference was that her father never looked back.

“She doesn’t have to worry about you,” Annie said, smiling. “You’re a good guy, you wouldn’t abandoned her.” She patted his arm and the touch sent a small flurry of excitement throughout his body.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Patrick replied, shrugging and glancing away from her. “So, what have you been up to? You haven’t been playing music?”

She shook her head. “College was so much harder than I thought it was going to be, you know? And then I got into this sorority on campus and like, it took over my life.”

“You’re in a sorority?” he found that amusing because of how anti-girlie she was when they hung out. She was everything a sorority girl wasn’t. Except, looking at her now, you couldn’t tell. He laughed a little.

“What?” She said defensively.

“I just… I just can’t picture you in one of those brothels of pink and polos,” he remarked.

“They aren’t all that bad. I mean, the girls are pretty nice.”

“You must have different sororities at West Chester,” he commented.

“Huh?”

“Nothing,” he said, not wanting to get into the whole situation with Harper and the sorority girls at Temple. “So I guess no more black hair dye?”

“No, it started ruining my hair. Who knew right?”

“I liked the black hair,” he commented, and the instantly regretted it. Crap, why are you complimenting her? “I mean, I like it now too…” Stop talking, Stump!

She blushed. “Thanks. I miss it some time, but I guess everyone grows up sometime right? Except you and your guys. You’ll be young forever,” she said playfully.

He laughed. “Yeah right.”

“Hey Patrick?” she suddenly turned her whole body toward him. He turned to look at her and she leaned forward kissed his lips softly. He was so shocked, he couldn’t move. He felt his body react instantly, his lips pressing back against hers.

It took a few seconds for his brain to register what he was doing and he started to pull away, “Um, Annie, wait,” but she covered his mouth with hers again, her hands moving up under his shirt.

Her hand traveled south. His mind started going blank as the desire started to overtake him and his hands rested on her hips, his tongue pushing between her teeth.

“Mmm, Patrick, I’ve wanted to do this for a long time,” she murmured, brining him back to reality.

“Whoa, Annie!” He pushed her away, jumping off of the couch. “I...I… crap… I can’t do this, I’m sorry,” he stammered, backing away to put as much distance between her and him as possible.

“Oh, really?” she looked disappointed. “I thought…”

“I have a girlfriend, and I love her,” he said. She looked at him skeptically. “I know... I shouldn’t have… You are great Annie, but….”

“You don’t feel that way about me anymore do you?” she said sullenly, standing up.

“Anymore?”

“Oh, come on Patrick. I always knew that you had a crush on me, but I didn’t want to leave high school with a boyfriend. I figured in college…” She stopped herself. “I feel like an idiot.”

“Me too,” he said. “And like a freaking liar and cheat.”

“I should go,” she said, gathering her purse up. “Well, if you ever… you know…” she trailed off, shaking her head before walking out of the front door.

Soon Patrick was alone to deal with what just happened. Suddenly he remembered Harper’s text and ran to his phone. He wished he could rewind time and never had answered the door. Seeing the text message still on the screen, quickly, he typed back,

U KNOW WHICH ONES I LIKE. BUTTON DOWNS ARE COOL.

He hit send and then in a few seconds got back a reply.

FINALLY! GOD, DID YOU FALL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH? OKAY I’LL LET HER KNOW. THANKS BABE I LOVE YOU!

He stared at her declaration of love and started cursing himself. He knew he was lonely, but there wasn’t any reason for him to let Annie take advantage of that fact. He despised himself for giving into her and was upset that she even tried in the first place. I am pretty sure I told her I had a girlfriend, he thought.

Not knowing what else to do, Patrick quickly called Pete.

“Patrick, thank god. I can’t take my dad’s lawyer speak anymore.”

“Pete, I need to you to come over, I fucked up,” Patrick said quickly.

“Wait, what are you talking about?” he said getting serious.

“I majorly fucked up, Pete. Like I think I just ruined my relationship with Harper,” he said, choking back a sob.

“Um, okay, hey, hold on all right? I’ll be right over.” Pete hung up the phone.

Fifteen minutes later, he was sitting with Patrick in his living room, listening to Patrick’s story. When he was finished, Pete was just shaking his head. “Fuck, Patrick. This is not good.”

“Yeah, I know!” Patrick pulled at his hair. “I mean, if I can’t resist Annie here in my own home, how am I going to be able to handle it on the road!?”

“Okay, first of all, it’s Annie. Deep down, you still have feelings for, that’s obvious, Second, we will be with you on the tour and you know I’ll fuck the chick before I let you further ruin what you have with Harper. I don’t care how ugly she is.” Patrick had to laugh at that. “But dude, that’s if there is a chance to further ruin it. I don’t know how Harper is going to take this.”

“I should have never let her into the damn house.” He punched the couch angrily.

“Well, you did and you two made out for a little. I mean, you didn’t have sex right?”

“No, but there was definitely some intimate… touching,” he replied.

“Okay, but you stopped it before it got too far. That’s something right?” Pete patted his back. “That’s more than what I could have done. I would have just ended up going through with it and dealing with the consequences later.”

“Man, Pete, the way you say that so nonchalantly, is a little disconcerting,” Patrick replied.

“It’s probably my manic depressive side,” Pete said. “But the best thing to do is to not tell Harper, right now, okay?”

“What! I have to tell her! I can’t keep this from her that is definitely not right.”

“But you know how she will react, right? Patrick, I think the world of Harper, I really do, but she’s not ready for this kind of shit. She’s like pure and I think this would ruin that.”

“You’re right. Just… don’t tell the guys okay? Especially not Joe. I know he’s been talking to Cassidy and if he knows, he can’t keep a secret…”

“And then Cassidy knows and then Harper knows. I got it.” Pete gave him a half-hug. “It’s going to be okay. You never have to see Annie again, all right? And Harper will be here in a few days and you can put this all behind you.”

That was what he was banking on at least. The day Harper arrived, Patrick was a nervous wreck. He kept re-straightening up his room, although he didn’t know why because she had been in his room before when it was dirty, but somehow, this was all different. Everything was different because he felt as if he was trying to clean up a dirty lie that was following him around.

“Honey, don’t you think you should get to the train station? Harper’s train should be coming in soon,” His mother called up to him from the foyer.

Patrick shoved some sheet music inside his desk and grabbed his sneakers. Soon, he was in his crappy Honda and speeding over to the train station, where he stood waiting in the main terminal, his eyes searching for Harper, but his mind reeling. A couple of days ago, he had almost but forgot what happened between him and Annie, but then he woke up today and his mind couldn’t seem to stop focusing on that stupid make out session.

His eyes caught sight of Harper heaving a large duffel bag over her shoulder as she made her way up the stairs and up into the terminal. When he saw her, his mind turned off the worry and the feeling of relief and excitement overcame him simultaneously. He called out to her and she turned, her face that was full of nervousness changing into happiness with a smile meant just for him. He ran over to her and she dropped the duffel bag as she melted into his arms.

“Jeez, I am so happy to see you,” he murmured into her hair as he held her tightly.

“Not as happy as I am to see you. My parents have been annoying as hell since Diane’s visit. It’s like they suddenly care about the fact that I want to write. I haven’t heard the words lawyer, law school or LSAT since her visit.”

They made their way out to his car and he shoved her duffel bag in the back seat. “Well, I’m glad that they are finally acknowledging that you are a writer. That’s really cool.”

“Yeah, it is. So, what’s going on this week?” she asked him as they started driving back to his house.

“Well, Andy and Pete are having an awesome blow out for New Years Eve party at their house, so there’s that… but I don’t know I didn’t have a lot of stuff planned actually.” He felt a little bad that he didn’t think of things to do with her while she was there.

Harper leaned against his shoulder, her hand resting on his lap, close to the space between his leg. “It’s okay, I think we can find SOMETHING to do all day this week.” Her fingers lightly massaged him through his jeans and he tried to keep his eyes open and focused on the road.

“Harper,” he said, his voice deep in his throat. She seemed to take it as an invitation and pressed more firmly. Patrick immediately pulled the car off into the small park near his house, parking in the far corner that was surrounded by trees. He had heard that kids used to go to this spot to make out with each other in high school, but Patrick was never one of those kids – until now.

He put the car in park and turned to face her, drawing her face toward his. “My mom is making you sleep in the guest room,” he whispered, his hands fumbling with the buttons on her jeans.

“Sadist,” she replied, grinning a little in jest and pressing her lips against his again. She reached under his seat and pulled the lever, pushing the seat all the way back. “No one will see us right?”

Patrick glanced around as he undid his own jeans. “Not sure, actually. I’ve never done this before in the middle of the day.”

They both paused to assess each other. Then they both grinned and kept going. “Wait!” Harper gasped, coming up for air.

“What? Do you see someone?” he said anxiously looking around.

“No, it’s just… we don’t have protection,” she replied, frowning.

Patrick smiled and opened up the middle console. He pulled out a string of metallic square pouches and Harper stared at them in shock. “Here you go.” He handed her one and stuff the rest back into the console.

“Wait a minute… how long…”

“Since we started having sex,” he replied.

“Oh so is this some sort of dream of yours?” she teased, opening up the wrapper and slowly rolling the condom on his member. Patrick closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of her fingers pressing against him.

“I just always wanted to be… Oh man,” he sighed, as she lowered herself on top of him.

She giggled. “You were saying?”

When they were finished, Patrick took them back to his parents’ house. He wished he could wipe the stupid grin off his face, fearing that his mom and Robert would immediately know what he and Harper had just done.

As they walked into the house, he heard his mother mute the TV. “Finally! I was wondering what took you two so long!” she exclaimed, rushing into the foyer to greet them.

Harper glanced at him, her cheeks red with shame. He just winced and gave her a reassuring smile. “Hello Patricia, how are you?” Harper said, as his mother embraced her.

“Sorry mom, traffic. There was an… accident,” Patrick lied.

“Well, at least it wasn’t you two.” She clapped her hands together. “Harper, I am so happy that you are here. Patrick’s been in such a lousy mood being away from you,” she replied, embarrassing him.

Harper looked over at him and smiled shyly. “Well, I’ve been missing him too,” she replied and his mom squealed with happiness.

“You two are just so… Okay, let me show you to the guest room.” Flustered, she started up the stairs and Harper followed, turning around once to give Patrick a disappointed look.

As Harper was getting herself situated upstairs, Patrick had wandered into the kitchen to grab them both something to drink. As he looked through the fridge, he felt his phone vibrate. He unlocked it and saw a text message from Annie.

I HOPE YOU’RE STILL NOT WEIRDED OUT BY THE OTHER DAY. SORRY ABOUT COMING ONTO YOU. I JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU AND I COULD TRY TO START SOMETHING. I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND WERE SO SERIOUS.

STILL WANT TO BE FRIENDS THOUGH. HOPE TO SEE YOU AROUND OVER BREAK BEFORE YOU GUYS HEAD OFF ON YOUR TOUR.

Patrick’s chest tightened and the feelings of guilt came surging up again. It was just a kiss, he thought to himself. You don’t like her anymore.

“So, I’m all settled in, what now?” He nearly dropped his phone at hearing her voice. He looked up and saw Harper approaching him. “Sorry, did I scare you?” she said, giving him an amused look.

“Yeah, sorry, I was just,” he quickly deleted the text messages and shoved the phone back in his pocket. “Checking Twitter,” he finished.

She laughed. “You are so strange. Most people our age are still using Facebook as their main way of connecting with people. Why Twitter?”

“Feels a little less intrusive,” he replied. She wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Agreed. I can post whatever I want on Twitter, for the most part. On Facebook, I still have to have some discretion.” She kissed his lips, which had went dry from the shock of the text. When he felt her lips on his, all he could see in his head was Annie touching him.

He pulled away quickly. “Hey, let’s um, go do something, yeah?” He grabbed her hand and started toward the door. She followed him, slightly stunned by his quick decision.

“Um, sure, what do you want to do?”

“There’s a pretty cool local music store that we go to all of the time. I want to show you,” he said, thinking of the first place they could go.

“Okay, that sounds good to me. Lead the way, oh wise one,” she replied, squeezing his hand.

The way she looked at him, with her eyes full of wonder and affection for him, made his stomach churn uneasily. Suddenly, he could see everything start to unravel in front of his eyes and he was worried that there was no way to stop it.