The New Face of Failure

Are you kidding me, a winky face? That’s like Emoji porn! – The Mindy Project

The next morning, Harper made sure she woke up early and showered and changed before Nicholas had gotten up.

“Oh wow, you’re already dressed and ready to go for the day aren’t you?” he said tiredly as he sat up.

“Yea, I have to get a dress for the party tonight and stuff,” she said, as she sat at the desk, applying her makeup.

He got up out of the bed and walked over to her. “Are you okay? You were in the bathroom for a really long time.”

“Oh yeah, just something I must have eaten. Sorry that I was such a bad host,” she said, giving him an apologetic look.

He just smiled and kissed the top of her head. “Not a big deal. Although I hated falling asleep with you not beside me. You didn’t have to sleep on the couch.”

She blushed. “Oh, well…” She got up and straightened out her button down shirt. “Anyway, what are your plans for today?”

“Me? I took off. I figured we’d spend the day together, like during the tour.”

“Oh, um, okay,” she said, although in reality, she wanted to go by herself. She had spent the last month being chaperoned around the various cities they toured, listening to Nicholas lecture her on every little thing they came across whether it be a restaurant, a museum, or even a street. Nicholas seemed to really want to impress her with his knowledge, and Harper wished she fell for that sort of thing, but the truth was, it just made her feel smaller and unworldly.

“You mind if I borrow your toothpaste?” he asked her, already half way into the bathroom. After he showered and got ready, they headed down to the main lobby.

As they walked toward the front revolving doors of the lobby, Nicholas stopped them. “Coffee. I need coffee. You want something?” he pointed to the Starbucks that was situated across lobby near a Wi-Fi lounge.

“Um, hot chocolate I guess,” she said.

“Excellent. I’ll meet you right over there in that lounge area.” With that, he ran off to the Starbucks.
She made her way over to the group of couches and chairs where a few other travelers and guests were congregating when her phone started ringing. As she walked, she started rummaging through her purse, head down, looking for her phone.

“Grr, this isn’t even my big purse, why can I never find anything in it still!?” she muttered to herself, trying to weave around people passing her. When she found her phone, she saw it was Cassidy trying to FaceTime her. She answered the phone and Cassidy’s face appeared on the screen. “Cass, hey what’s up?” Just as that happened, she noticed her chapstick falling out of her bag. She reached down to pick it up.

“Harper, Okay, I have something to tell you. Don’t freak out okay?” Cassidy started.

Harper grabbed her chapstick and stood back up, her bag hitting someone who was passing in front of her. She gasped and straightened up. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry…” she trailed off, staring into a pair of eyes that she hadn’t seen in months.

Patrick stood there, wiping some spilled tea off of his shirt. He looked at her with wide, round eyes that made Harper’s heart beat quicken. It had been months since she had seen him, and the last time she had laid eyes on him, he was passed out on Pete’s couch. She could feel tears spring to her eyes, and she quickly realized how much of the pain she was feeling the past few months wasn’t from his betrayal, but from the fact that she missed seeing him and being near him. Patrick looked like he was at a loss for words, his eyes blinking rapidly, as if he thought she was just an illusion. Of all the places in New York City… she thought ironically.

“Harper! Harper, are you okay? What happened???” Cassidy shouted into the phone. “Anyway, this is urgent! Patrick is staying at your hotel! I just found out this morning!” She said it so loudly and dramatically that there was no way Patrick couldn’t have heard it. His eyes glanced at her phone.

Harper slowly drew it up to her face. “Uh, yep, just figured that out,” she said, her eyes never leaving Patrick’s.

“What?” Harper turned the phone around and Patrick waved timidly at Cassidy.

“Hi Cass,” he said, wiping his wet hand on his jeans.

“Ho…Ly…Shit,” Cassidy said slowly. “Hi, Patrick.”

Harper turned the phone camera back onto her. “I got to go.”

“What wait –“ But Harper hung up on her.

She stuffed the phone back in her purse and brushed her hair out of her face. “I’m sorry, for bumping into you,” she said in a low voice.

“I’m used to it,” he said with a small smile. She blushed, realizing that he was referring to the first time they met.

“Um, hi, um, how are you?” she asked him in an unusually high and chipper voice, her eyes darting toward her feet. He was silent for a second as if taking in the fact that they had just bumped into each other randomly in one of the busiest cities in the country.

Finally, he responded. “Okay, just tired, all of the time now. How are you?”

A million answers ran through her mind. She didn’t want to say she was fine, because it was just too impersonal and also a lie. She also didn’t want to tell him what she had reveled in last night – that she was probably still in love with him and wanted him back. So she blurted out the only thing that made sense. “A mess,” she whispered, glancing up at him.

Crap, what is it about him that just makes me spill my guts? She thought.

He bit his lip nervously, obviously not sure what to say next. He didn’t need to say anything though because Joe’s annoyingly loud voice interrupted them.

“Well dammit,” Joe said loudly, as he, Andy, Pete and a tall, muscular dark-skinned man in what looked like body guard attire approached them.

Harper’s eyes darted to each of them individually. It had been equally as long since she had seen them as it had since she had seen Patrick. They all regarded her with a mixture of happiness and cautiousness. She wondered why.

“Harper Lee, look at you,” Pete said, walking past Patrick to hug her. She accepted his hug and held him tightly, wishing that Patrick would do the same. She glanced at him as she hugged Pete and he was still biting his lip, his eyes darting everywhere as if he wasn’t sure where to look. “You’re definitely a nice sight to see this early in the morning.”

She smiled. “Thanks, Pete. It’s good to see you guys too.”

“What are you doing here?” Andy asked her.

Andy’s question gave Harper the chance to explain herself, which she appreciated because she wasn’t sure what else to say to Patrick at the moment. “Me? Oh, the publishers are having a party for me tonight at the Ritz for the book… because it’s um, doing really well,” she said, trying not to mix her words up.

“That’s really awesome,” Pete said proudly. “Congrats by the way. Patrick’s made us all read the book and it really is good.”

She looked past him to Patrick. “Really?” Hearing that made her feel hopeful that maybe Patrick really still did want her back as Cassidy had been implying. She could feel her smile widen as he blushed.

“Yeah, I think he read it like five times, which is saying a lot considering Patrick’s not into reading books,” Pete replied, nudging his best friend on the shoulder.

“Oh wow, well, that’s…” Harper didn’t know how to respond to that and Patrick looked beyond embarrassed, so she quickly changed the subject. “So, how’s the tour going? And congrats to you guys too, by the way, the album and everything, it’s amazing.” She didn’t want to admit that she listened to their album on constant repeat just so she could hear Patrick’s voice.

“You’ve listened to it?” Patrick asked her.

“Oh, well, yeah, of course, I bought it, on iTunes, I, uh…” she opened up her music app and the first thing that popped up was their song “Dance, Dance.” “I think I was just listening to it actually.” She glanced at the other guys who all seemed pleased with that.

“Do you like it?” Patrick asked her.

“Oh my God, yeah,” she gushed, not meaning to sound as enthusiastic as she did. She quickly reigned herself in. “I mean, yeah, you sound amazing… you all do.”

“Well, we’re glad you like it so much,” Andy chimed in, grinning widely.

“So, a party huh?” Pete asked her.

Harper realized he was referring back to what she said earlier about her party tonight. “Oh yeah, the party! You should come,” she said, looking directly at Patrick.

“What?” he said, a bit taken back by her sudden invitation.

Harper realized that she had just said it to him, so quickly corrected herself. “All of you should come. To the party I mean. It’ll be a lot of fun, I think. Well, it would be a lot more fun if you were all there. Cassidy and my family couldn’t come, so it’ll be a lot of people from the company and stuff who I don’t know very well and are usually a lot older than me. I can tell the security guards your names…”

“Can we come after our show?” Patrick quickly asked her.

“Oh I forgot about your show, Cassidy had told me… Yeah, definitely. It doesn’t start until nine anyway, and once you get these bookish types drunk, its long, boring existential conversations about the themes in Camu’s the Stranger,” she rambled, giggling nervously.

“Yeah, that sounds right up our alley,” Pete replied, with a huge smile. “We’ll even dress up for it.”

“Wait, what? Oh man,” Joe moaned.

Harper couldn’t help but laugh along with the rest of them. She caught Patrick’s eye. He was watching her with this look of admiration. She missed that look. She gave him one back, feeling a bit hopeful that things just might be able to get back on track after all.

“Harper!”

Shit, she thought, her head turning to see Nicholas hurrying over to her with two Starbucks cardboard cups in his hands. The guys all turned to watch Nicholas approach her. He handed her the hot chocolate and turned to the guys.

“Sorry, the line was really long,” he said, a little out of breath. “One hot chocolate for the lovely lady.” He bent down and kissed the top of her head and she felt her throat tighten up. Not only did it completely ruin the nostalgic moment they were all having, but she also felt disgraceful that he kissed her anywhere, as if the act itself was an outward betrayal to Patrick. She wondered if that was how he felt when she discovered him with Annie that night so many months ago.

“Th…thanks,” she stammered. She noticed his eyes set on the four guys and their lumbering body guard. “Um, Nicholas, these are some friends of mine,” she gestured toward them, weakly.

Nicholas straightened his shoulders and put on a grand smile. “Hey! Wow, how weird, friends of yours in NYC. Nice to meet you guys, Nicholas,” he went and shook each of their hands, and as he did, they each introduced themselves, giving him a once over.

“Hey man, Pete,” he said with amusement in his voice.

“Nice to meet you, Andy,” he said straightforwardly.

“Joe,” he deadpanned.

“Um, hi, I’m Patrick,” he said it uncertainly, glancing at Harper with forlorn.

Nicholas did a double take and then glanced at Harper. “Patrick?” His face clouded over. “So you’re…” he looked at Patrick, who just grimaced uncomfortably. “Well, isn’t that just a coincidence?”

Harper’s ears were burning up. “It really is,” she said quickly.

"Yeah, we have a couple of shows here in the city," Pete explained.

"Oh, because you guys are in that band. I've listened to a few songs, Harper showed them to me. Not my style, but you're good," he admitted, his eyes trained on Patrick trying to look intimidating.

"Yeah, well we're an acquired taste," Pete joked.

“I, um, actually invited them to the party tonight because it would be nice to have some, uh, friends there.” She wondered what Nicholas was going to say, and she decided that it was probably better to mention her invitation in front of the guys.

Nicholas frowned at her. “Really? Well, isn’t that nice. You guys should come, it will be absolutely delightful.” He grabbed Harper’s wrist, squeezing it so tight that she thought her blood circulation was cut off. “You’ll have to excuse us though. Lots to do before the big shin dig.”

Harper could feel him pulling her body toward the door, and she stumbled as her feet finally caught up with the fact that he was moving her. She turned her head to look back at the guys. “I’ll see you tonight!” she exclaimed, breathlessly. They all watched Nicholas pull her away, looks of bewilderment on their faces. Except Patrick’s. She saw pain. It made her heart ache.

As soon as she and Nicholas piled into the taxi that was waiting for them, he turned his attention on her. His eyes were narrowed into a glare. “What’s HE doing here?”

Harper was taken aback by his display of displeasure. She knew that he wanted them to be together, but she didn’t expect him to get mad about meeting someone from her life that meant so much to her. Well, she thought to herself, it is Patrick, and you did admit to a huge audience that you still loved him.

“They have two concerts in town,” Harper explained. “I had no idea they were staying at this hotel. In fact, Cass had called me up to warn me about that right as I bumped into them.”

Nicholas shook his head. “You shouldn’t have invited him to the party.”

“What?”

“Harper, how are you going to get over him, if you don’t keep the distance between you two?”

“It’s just an invitation. I’m sure they won’t come anyway, their concerts run pretty late,” she conceded, feeling a bit dejected. “And plus, I thought the saying was, ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder.’”

Nicholas rolled his eyes. “This isn't funny Harper. You’re obsession with this boy has got to end at some point.”

Harper pulled her head back in surprise. “Obsession? I’m not obsessed with Patrick…”

“Harper, You created a whole character for him, you listen to his music all the time…”

“How do you…”

“I’ve seen your phone when you’re listening to music. Fall Out Boy? I know that’s the name of their band.”

“Nicholas, I don’t know what to say,” she said, feeling trapped suddenly.

“I want you to tell me that you don’t want to be with him and that you want to be with me. He hurt you Harper, or have your forgotten? And I’m the one who’s been here for you this whole time,” Nicholas exclaimed.

She glanced down at her hands which were rubbing her cell phone case repeatedly. “I know that Nicholas. I just don’t’ know what I want. I’ve told you that before…”

Nicholas let out an exasperated cry that made her jump. “Look, Harper, I don’t want to talk about this anymore okay? It doesn’t even matter anyway. By the look on his face, he doesn’t seem to want to come.”

Harper wondered if he could tell she was crestfallen by his comment. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I mean, we’ve been apart for months now. Plus, they are so busy with the tour and stuff…” she gave him a defeated smile and turned her attention out of the window.

He must have been able to tell she was upset with him because he inched closer to her and placed his hand on her knee. “Harper, honey, don’t be sad. I’m sorry I got upset. I just really like you a lot and I’m a little jealous.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I know, it’s a big deal seeing him after your break up. I get that. I just wish that it didn’t mean that much to you anymore.”

She looked back at him, suddenly feeling a little guilty for putting Nicholas in such a strange position. She should have told him, like Cassidy had said, that she wasn’t really into him the way he was into her. She wanted to tell him, but she could feel her fear overtaking her. She gave him a small smile and turned back to the window. She realized that she had to do it soon, to let him know that their relationship was never going to move any more forward than it already had. She also had to ensure that Patrick was going to come to the party that night.

When the taxi dropped them off at the Macy’s, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, and once she was in a stall, she opened up her phone and opened up the last text message she had received from Patrick, which was about a month ago when he had mentioned that he had bought the book. Slowly she typed,

I REALLY WANT U TO COME TONITE. PLEASE COME TO THE PARTY. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING

She exhaled slowly, waiting for his response. She leaned against the closed door of the stall and stared at her phone. Come on, Patrick, answer me, she thought, closing her eyes.

A minute passed. And then one more. Harper sighed, realizing that she couldn’t hide out in the bathroom all day; she really did need to buy a dress for the party. Just as she was walking out, her phone buzzed. She pulled it out of her bag and saw a text from Patrick appear.

OF COURSE ILL BE THERE. PROMISE :)

Harper tried not to squeal. She felt a sudden weight being lifted from her chest.

“Hey, are you okay?”

She looked up to see Nicholas’s prying eyes searching her face.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine, Cassidy was just texting me about some homework assignment for the Bio class we are in together,” she lied, slipping her phone into her purse. “Let’s go find me a dress.” She put on her best smile and took his hand to further ease his suspicions.

He smiled and followed her to the dresses section. Harper started searching through the racks for something to wear, but her mind kept swerving back to what she would say to Patrick when she would finally be able to get him alone. Would she immediately apologize? Would he take her back? Would they realize that their lives are moving in two different directions and that a relationship wouldn’t be good for either of them at the moment? She could barely concentrate on the dress selection with all of these questions swirling in her head. She felt her phone vibrate and she pulled it out.

YOU INVITED THEM TO THE PARTY? OMG YOU’RE GOING TO TOTALLY GET BACK WITH PATRICK AREN’T YOU!? :D

Harper smiled at Cassidy’s text.

CASSIDY, HE WOULD WANT TO HAVE TO GET BACK WITH ME FIRST FOR THAT TO HAPPEN.

UH HUH, YEAH, AND HE DOES SO IS IT SAFE TO SAY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE BONING PATRICK TONIGHT AND NOT THAT WEIRDO DEAD POET’S SOCIETY GUY?

Harper rolled her eyes.

GUESS WE WILL HAVE TO SEE WON’T WE?.... AND DON’T USE THE WORD BONE, IT’S GROSS.