The New Face of Failure

Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you. - Dirty Dancing

Her eyes stared at the clock until they began to dry out and ache from being open so long. It was almost midnight. Where is he? She thought worriedly. He said he would be there by 11:30 at the latest. She cursed herself again for breaking her phone. If she had it, she wouldn’t be anxiously waiting for him. She’d know if he gave up on her or not.

“Harper, Harper,” Diane walked up to her, a concerned look on her face. “This is a party for you, and I feel like you are the only one who is not having a good time.” She rested a hand on Harper’s shoulder. “Where is the boy in the fedora?”

Boy in the fedora, sounds like a good short story title, Harper thought. Ugh, no, if Patrick doesn’t come you aren’t going to immortalize him any more in any of your future stories. “He, uh, I don’t know where he is.”

“Well, have you called him?” She said it as if it made the most sense and Harper was absurd for not trying.

Harper slouched her shoulders forward. “I broke my phone earlier today,” she said sadly.

“You can use mine.”

“I don’t have his number memorized,” she said.

“OH dear, the problem with this generation and the use of cell phones. You never have to memorize numbers with an electronic address book at your fingertips,” Diane sighed. “Well, have you tried talking to the security guards out front?”

“I just sent Nicholas a little bit ago to check.”

As if he had heard her speak his name, Nicholas suddenly popped up in front of them. “Dr. Woodall, I haven’t seen you all evening, how are you?” he prattled.

“I’m just fine, Nicholas,” Diane said coldly.

Harper grabbed Nicholas’s sleeve rather dramatically. “Well, did you see hi…them? Or did the security guards?”

Nicholas looked at her with a pitiful expression. “I’m sorry Harper, they haven’t seen Patrick or his band at all. They haven’t turned up.”

Harper shook her head. “I don’t understand…” She wanted to leave that very instant. She wanted to rush back to the hotel and knock on every door in the building until she found Patrick. Then she wanted to shout at him and kiss him, and maybe shout at him some more and kiss him some more.

“I’m so sorry, Harper,” Diane said, patting her shoulder softly. She gave Nicholas another frosty glare before leaving them alone.

“I don’t know why, but I have this weird feeling that Dr. Woodall isn’t very fond of me,” Nicholas commented, taking her hands.

Harper didn’t want to answer that statement. She stared at her hands, which were now covered by his. She let one silent tear fall from her eye.

“Harper,” Nicholas said softly, tilting her head up so that her eyes met his. “I’m sorry he didn’t come.”

She quickly wiped her tear away from her eye. “Let’s drink, yeah?”

Nicholas looked at her surprised. “Um, sure, yeah, I’ll go get us some wine.” He grinned and kissed her cheek before running off to the bar. He returned quickly with two glasses of wine. “Here you go, my dear. Here’s to,”

Harper grabbed the glass and downed the wine quickly before he could finish his toast. Nicholas looked at her impressed. She wiped her mouth. “Sorry, Diane would kill me if she saw me drinking. I think it’s the professor in her and knowing I legally can’t.”

Nicholas sipped his glass. “Well, bottoms up then,” he said.

“Get me another,” she said, handing him her empty glass. He looked like he wanted to object, but she glared at him so harshly, he had no other choice but to get her another… and another…

Harper could feel the familiar sense of tepid drunkenness sneak up on her. The familiar blurred vision, the queasy feeling her in her stomach, the sense that she was never standing or walking quite straight. “Nicholas,” she murmured to him after her seventh glass, “Why didn’t he come?” she could feel herself getting weepy.

“Oh Christ,” Nicholas muttered. “Harper, come on, I think it may be time for Cinderella to leave the ball.” He helped her up and she started whimpering softly.

The party had winded down quite a bit by the time they left, and so it wasn’t very difficult for them to get a cab back to the hotel. Harper rested her head against Nicholas’ shoulder and started crying. “I’m sorry Nicholas, I just miss him so much,” she cried.

“Harper, I know. This is why I have been so patient, but surely you see now that he isn’t worth crying over. He broke another promise to you,” Nicholas said softly. “I won’t do that, Harper, I promise.”

She felt his hands rubbing her arm softly, his lips traveling from her forehead to her own lips. She could hear her brain shouting at her to stop him, but her body just went limp. “I don’t want to be alone forever,” she whispered as Nicholas’ lips left hers briefly.

“You don’t have to be alone,” he murmured, pressing his lips harder against hers.

For years she spent her time actively pursuing her loneliness, afraid of what would happen if she opened up to people. Patrick was the first person she was able to do that with; being with him changed her so much, and now she couldn’t bear the thought of hiding any longer. But he let her down now, twice, and it was killing her because she wanted to be alone with him and just him.

Harper could hear Nicholas moaning and felt his hand move up her dress. She shook her head weakly, telling him ‘No’, but she could barely keep herself up, she felt so woozy.

“Harper, just relax,” he said. She glanced down at his hands which were now unfastening his own pants.
Her mind suddenly screamed at her and she realized what he was trying to do right there in the cab.

“No,” she said in a low moan, trying to move away from him. He held her fast with his one hand, as he pushed her dress up with the other.

“Harper, shhh, you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting.” His voice was silky and seductive, but laced with malice.

She kept saying the word no repeatedly, struggling without much luck against him. She could feel the panic rising in her mind. No, get him off of you! it shouted. Get out of the cab. Stop the cab, do something stupid body!

Suddenly the car jolted to a stop and she heard Nicholas’ door open.

“Get the fuck away from that girl,” the cab driver growled at Nicholas with a thick New York accent.

“Hey man, mind your business and get back in your cab and drive us to the hotel, okay?” Nicholas said hotly, covering himself up.

Harper leaned forward to catch a glimpse of the cab driver. He was a robust man with a broad nose and dark hair covering most of his arms, knuckles and face. He intimidated her, and she knew he must have intimidated Nicholas. She gave him a pleading look.

“No one is raping anyone in my cab!” The guy grabbed Nicholas by the arm and pulled him from the cab, Nicholas shouting as h was dragged out.

Harper jumped as the car door slammed shut and she quickly locked it. Nicholas slammed his fist against it. “Harper! Harper, get out of that cab this instant!” he shouted angrily. “Harper, please, look, I’m sorry okay!”

She heard the cab driver get back into the cab and put the car into drive. “You okay back there little lady?” he said.

Harper curled up into a ball and started crying silently. “Thank you,” she whispered to him.

“No problem. I have two daughters of my own, you know. 13 and 8. I’ll be damned if something like that would happen to them in the future and there was no one who stopped it.”

He left her alone after that and once they got to the hotel, he told her not to worry about the fare and left her with one of the bell hops, asking him to help her to her room.

Once she was in her room, Harper fell into a crumpled mess on the floor and sobbed. She lamented her naïveté, her bad judgment, her fear and anxiety that dictated so many decisions in her life. She hated herself for hating herself when most girls would feel blessed to be in her position. You’re a star writer, there are boys who like you, girls who want to be you, her mind said. But for whatever reason, none of that was enough; none of it made her feel good about herself. No wonder Patrick doesn’t want to be with me, she thought to herself, laying on the floor hugging her body tight. She dragged herself over to the bed and using the hotel phone, called one of the only numbers she had memorized.

“Hello?”

“Charley?” Harper whispered.

“Harper, what the hell, it’s two in the morning,” Charley said in a groggy, hushed voice. “Are you okay?”
Hearing Charley’s voice made Harper start to sob again, and she started dumping out all of her feelings onto her younger sister at once. After about three minutes of her torrential downpour, Charley stepped in.

“Harper, Harper, calm down okay? You’re kind of scaring me a little and I may just drag Austin out of bed and drive up to New York.”

“No, don’t do that,” Harper said, hating the idea of bothering her sister any more than she already had. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I just don’t like hearing you upset,” Charley said softly. “I know all of this must be really confusing and scary. I can’t imagine going through it.”

“Charley, everything is upside down. I thought that when you go to college, you grow up and grow out of your weird teenage insecurities. I feel like I’m reverting back.”

“Oh come on Harper, name me one adult who you think is completely secure with themselves and totally fucking normal,”

Harper thought for a moment, but couldn’t produce a name.

“Exactly, adults aren’t any more well-adjusted than we are, they just learned how to hide it better. And you are different. You have grown up. The Harper I grew up with wouldn’t be sitting in a hotel room by herself in New York City. She wouldn’t be dealing with relationship problems and career problems. She’d be holed up in her room writing, too afraid to come out and see what the real world is all about.”

“If this is what the real world is all about, Charley, full of pain and rejection and disappointment, then I don’t know if I want to be a part of it. I like my fictional worlds much better.”

“But don’t they have pain, rejection and disappointment too? They just have happy endings that you create…. So why do they have to be so different from real life? Why don’t you create your own happy ending?”

“It’s not as easy as it is in the book. I can’t control other people’s wills.”

“But you can control yourself and your own destiny. So Patrick doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Fine. So Nicholas is an ass, okay. Then leave them all behind and focus on how to get your happy ending.”

Harper could feel her heartbeat calming down, her mind focusing again. “Charley, I think I’m afraid to give up on Patrick, to get over him.”

“Well, you will have to sooner rather than later. It’s all going to be okay, Harper. It’s normal for you to be feeling like this. I know that you haven’t dated a lot of guys, or any until Patrick, but I’m telling you that everything you’re feeling is normal.”

“Gee, thanks, Charley. I was convinced I wasn’t normal at all,” Harper said sardonically.

After they talked for a few more minutes, Harper hung up and changed into a pair of sleep shorts and t-shirt. She was just about to lay down in bed when she heard a soft knock on her door that made her freeze. Who is knocking on my door at three in the morning?

She was worried it was Nicholas, and was then glad she didn’t give him a key to her room like he had asked for earlier. “Hello?!” she called out warily. Silence greeted her. She waited a minute and then tiptoed to the door, and slowly opened it, just enough to not let the chain stretch too far. No one was there. Maybe I’m hearing things, she thought, shutting the door and locking the deadbolt. Exhausted, she headed to her bed and collapsed into a dreamless sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The best thing about the Juicenator 400 is the speed with which you can squeeze those oranges!”

Patrick rolled his eyes and flipped the channel, landing on the weather channel. Ah, nothing like some weather predictions to make you fall asleep, he thought, closing his eyes tightly, trying to drift off to sleep with the mood music they played while they gave the local and national forecast highlights for the next several days. After his devastating attempt to see Harper at her party, the guys headed back to the hotel and all separated to their rooms. Patrick loitered around in his room, picking up his acoustic a bit to write some melodies he had in his head for a while down, playing with his Twitter page, his Tumblr account. He was always more of a night person, but that wasn’t what was keeping him up. The thought of that Nicholas guy all over Harper was plaguing him.

He still didn’t understand why Harper would change her mind, and why she had to let him know the way that she did. Did she think that little of what they had that she would have her new boyfriend tell him to leave? It made him sick to his stomach to think that his love meant nothing to her anymore.

But it does, she wouldn’t have invited you, texted you if it didn’t right? His mind argued.

That was what everyone else thought. But now, laying in the dark abyss of his hotel room, staring at the ceiling as some meteorologist discussed the weather patterns in the northwest, he was starting to think that it didn’t mean what everyone else thought it meant. He rolled over and squinted at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was almost 3 in the morning, and he had to pee… again. He grabbed his glasses off of the nightstand and then got up to go to the bathroom. After he went, he started to walk to the bed, but then something made him turn toward the door instead.

He knew it was crazy, and probably a little stalkerish, but he couldn’t help it. He got onto the elevator in just his pajama pants, t-shirt and socks and headed to the fifth floor. He still remembered what her room number was, courtesy of the front desk clerk. He didn’t know what he was doing, or why he was doing it. All he knew was that he was going to go to her door. He was going to go to her door and knock. He was going to demand to know why she did what she did. He was going to hold her and not let her leave his arms until they were together again. That was what he wanted to do.

He stood outside of her door, and pressed his ear against it. He could hear muffled footsteps and lightly knocked on the door. A few seconds passed and then he heard her call out, almost fearfully it seemed, “Hello?”

Patrick’s breath got caught in his lungs. Holy Smokes, what am I doing!? What if that guy is in there! She didn’t come to the door after she called out, and Patrick slowly retreated down the hall. Patrick, you idiot, why did you do that! He rounded the corner when he heard her door open. Patrick flung himself up flat against the wall and slowly peered around the corner.

He saw Harper step cautiously out into the hall, wearing a loose fitted t-shirt and pair of short shorts. Oh God, Patrick thought, his eyes traveling up and down her body. She only looked around for a second before shutting the door again. He could hear her lock the deadbolt from where he stood. The instant she did, Patrick reprimanded himself for not going to her right then and there. No, he let his fear get the better of him and he ran.

Patrick headed back up to his room, feeling like a fool. Most guys who were dumped in the fashion that he was would have moved on instantly to not just one other girl, but several. They would have masked their embarrassment and gotten over their ex. Not Patrick. He held onto Harper all of this time, thinking that maybe things would go back to the way they were before. But now, he was starting to think that nothing was going to be the same ever again.

He laid back down in his bed and had decided that tomorrow, he would tell Joe and Cassidy not to bother trying to talk to Harper. He was ready to move on. He had to, for his own sake.

Patrick had a lot of dreams that night, and Harper was the star of all of them. Some were good, some were really good, and some were terrible, stuff of nightmares. He was awakened by rapid knocking. Groggily, he got out of bed and answered his door.

“Patrick, it’s noon, get your ass up,” Cassidy said, pushing her way into his room, Joe, Andy and Pete at her heels.

“But we don’t have to report to the venue until four,” Patrick complained.

“Dude, we got back to the hotel at midnight. You had plenty of sleep,” Joe said.

That’s what you think, Patrick thought. “What do you want?”

“Harper, I thought you wanted me to speak to her. Where is her room?”

“Why do you think I would know where it is?” Patrick said defensively.

“Because you overheard the conversation between her literary agent and the front desk guy and plus, you’d be the one to memorize it,” Pete reasoned.

“Oh, well, about that, I don’t think you need to speak to her, Cass, I think maybe it’s just…”

“Excuse me?” Cassidy said in a low voice.

“Oh no,” Joe muttered.

“EXCUSE ME?!” Cassidy screeched. “I got up too early, got dressed too early and took that crappy Chinatown bus all the way here to help you get back with Harper, and now you have changed your MIND!?”

“Cass, you don’t understand…”

“No, I understand perfectly. You’re a little chicken shit,”

“Whoa, babe,”

“Not now Joe. Patrick, you are the one who fucked up all those months ago. Don’t forget that. Now, I know Harper probably shouldn’t have just broken it off with you, but she did. She knows it was a mistake. I know she hasn’t really come out and said it to me, but okay, she kind of has. She doesn’t want to be with that Nick guy. Now, I don’t know what the fuck happened last night, but I want to know just as much as you do. So, tell me what her room number is so I can go talk to my best friend. Because she’s not answering my calls or texts either and it’s scaring me.”

Cassidy had clenched her fists so tightly during her rant that her knuckles were turning white. Patrick’s eyes were wide with fear and when he looked at the other guys, theirs were too. “Um, 568,” he stuttered.

“Thank you. Now, brush your teeth and put some good clothes on for god sakes, and let’s go.”

After Patrick fixed himself up, the five of them headed down to Harper’s room. He hung back a bit, afraid to get to close. He almost considered turning around and making a run for his room.

Cassidy knocked hard several times on her door. “Harper, Hey! Open the hell up!” she shouted.

Silence greeted them at the other end. Cassidy knocked again. “Harper, it’s Cassidy. I know you’re not asleep, you’re the biggest morning person I know!”

Nothing came of it. She turned around. “Are you sure that’s her room?”

Yeah, I saw her walk out of it last night, he thought, but didn’t say. “Yeah, I’m sure,” he said. “Maybe she’s with that Nicholas guy…”

“Ugh, stop. I know she’s not.” Cassidy turned and started walking toward the elevator.

“Where are you going!?” Patrick exclaimed.

“I’m going to the front desk to see if they can call her. If not, I’m going to make them give me a key.”

“You think they are really going to give you a key to her room?” Andy said skeptically.

“Andy, NO ONE says no to me,” Cassidy said sternly.

“I believe her,” Pete said, glancing at Joe.

“Yeah, she’s right,” Joe replied, grinning.

They headed down to the front desk and Cassidy asked the gentleman at the desk to call Harper’s room.
“I’m sorry Miss, but Miss Williams is not answering her phone,” the tall, thin clerk said, rubbing his nose awkwardly.

“Fuck me,” Cassidy muttered. The gentleman raised his eyebrow at her cursing. “Okay, then I’m going to need a key to her room.”

“Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

“Seriously?! She could be dead in there and no one would know for days!” Cassidy exclaimed. A few other guests looked her direction, with distasteful looks on their faces.

“Cassidy, it’s okay,” Patrick whispered, hoping to calm her down.

“No, this guy here sees we really need to get a hold of Harper, and he’s just being a complete…”

“Well, well, if it isn’t the boy with the fedora.”

Patrick spun around at the voice. It was Dr. Woodall. She was approaching the group with a disapproving look on her face. Cassidy’s face lit up. “Dr. Woodall!”

She stopped right in front of them, her eyes boring into Patrick, making him extremely uncomfortable. “Patrick, right?” she asked him.

“Uh, yes, Dr. Woodall,”

“Well, Patrick, I am completely disappointed with you. You had the chance to rise to the occasion, to become the white knight and you didn’t take it. That is not like you at all.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“W…what?” he stammered.

“Harper, you silly boy. She waited all night for you. Her eyes never left the clock. Out of all the people at the party, she had the worst time and it was her party! How could you do that to her?” She didn’t yell, but the tone of her voice was enough to make anyone reconsider their lives. Patrick stared at her in shock.

“Wait, what?”

“Are you not comprehending me?” she asked him.

“Ma’am, we did come,” Pete spoke up. She narrowed her eyes at him. “We did, we showed up and that guy named Nicholas told us to leave. He said that Harper didn’t want to see Patrick and didn’t want to tell him herself.”

Dr. Woodall sighed. “That actually makes a lot more sense than our young Frank Sinatra here going back on his word. He told Harper and me that you never showed up.”

“That douchebag,” Cassidy growled.

“Yes, I’m not too fond of the boy either. He’s an opportunist. He wants to be with Harper because he thinks she will be his ticket to the fame that he so desperately wants. Luckily, Harper is a smart girl.”

Patrick could feel all of his worry and pain lift from his chest. “So Harper wanted me there? So why didn’t she answer any of my texts? I mean, even after we left, I texted her, but she didn’t respond.”

“She broke her cell phone,” Dr. Woodall said.

“Well, that explains it,” Cassidy said flippantly.

“Well, she’s not in her room,” Patrick explained to Dr. Woodall. “I wanted to find her, to talk to her, but…”

“She went out,” Dr. Woodall said.

“Wait, how do you know that?”

“Because I ran into her about a half an hour before I saw all of you.”

Patrick felt as if he was being given another chance. “Did she say where she was going?”

Dr. Woodall shook her head. “She just said she wanted some time to think by herself. She looked rather down. But that is to be expected when one thinks the love of her life no longer cares for her.” She eyed Patrick.

“I do, I do care about her, Dr. Woodall, I love her.”

“Yeah, he does, trust us,” Joe added.

“Well, then you might want to hop in a taxi and start searching the city for her.” Dr. Woodall nodded her head. “Till we meet again Patrick.”

“Thank you Dr. Woodall!” Patrick called out to her as she started walking away.

“So, should I call Marcus and have him get an SUV here?” Pete asked him after Dr. Woodall left.

“Yeah! We have to find Harper before our call time. I have to straighten all this out!”