The New Face of Failure

Whatever happens tomorrow, we've had today. And if we should bump into each other sometime in the future, well that's fine too. We'll be friends. – One Day

Harper awoke, her stomach still queasy from all of the wine she drank from the night before. She eased out of bed and into her shower, taking a seat in the tub as the hot water showered down on her. She barely had to glance at the mirror to see that she looked a mess. Her eyes were bloodshot and sunken into dark circles, her face blotchy from the stress of crying.

She stayed in the shower until the water ran cold and then got out, wrapping herself in the plush towels of the hotel. She felt better, but knew she should eat something. She glanced at the clock on her nightstand.

Crap, I’m supposed to check out soon, she thought, staring at the time on the clock. The truth was, she didn’t want to leave New York, not yet. She was dreading going back to Philadelphia, facing Cassidy and facing the memories of Patrick that haunted the city. What she needed was some real time to herself. No publishers, no professors, no literary agent; no Nicholas trying to impress her and get into her pants, no Cassidy admonishing her for being so dumb all of the time. She just wanted a day for her. She picked up her hotel phone and called down to the front desk.

“Yes, hello, this is Harper Williams in 568. I was wondering if I could extend my stay for one more night.”

“Certainly, Miss Williams. We’ll just put it on the card on file,” the gentleman at the front desk said cheerily.

“Thank you.” She hung up and got dressed into a pair of leggings and an oversized button down flannel shirt that she had stolen from Patrick when they were dating. After she paired it with a pair of tall boots, she threw her long brown hair into a messy bun and slipped out of her room in search of solitude and food.

She was still thinking about what Charley had told her before bed, about reclaiming her happiness and her future for herself. It was all that Harper had yearned to do deep inside, yet a part of her knew that there was still something holding her back from moving forward, and she knew that it was Patrick. A part of her wasn’t willing to truly believe that Patrick had given up on them so easily. So what are you going to do about it then, her mind asked her. She just didn’t have the answer at the moment.

She made her way into the lobby of the hotel, glancing around at the faces of the patrons. She didn’t want to admit it to herself, but she was really searching for Patrick, hoping that he might have had to go somewhere that day before their next concert.

“Already heading back to Philly are we?”

She turned around and saw Diane walking toward her. She was sitting in the lobby area, enjoying a rather large hardcover book.

“Diane, good morning,” she said, hugging the older woman.

“You left last night without saying goodbye. I was worried about you,” Diane said. “I hope you are well?” she said it as almost a question.

Harper glanced at her feet. “I could be better, I guess.”

“I’m surprised Nicholas didn’t try to cheer you up,” Diane said sarcastically.

Harper grimaced. “Nicholas, um, kind of turned out to not be such a great guy after all.”

Diane frowned. “Harper, are you all right?”

Harper looked at her professor and mentor briefly. She was one person who Harper felt really did want the best for her, and Harper felt terrible that she wasn’t living up to the pedestal that Diane placed her on. She took a deep breath and then said, “Honestly? No.”

She then gave Diane a condensed version of the events from last night, after she left the party, and the pain she was going through with losing Patrick. “I know that this is the last thing I should be thinking about. I have a contract to read through, a future to plan, but all I want to think about,”

“Is that pretty boy in the fedora,” Diane finished, smiling a bit. “Harper, do not think that I take you for a foolish girl. I was also 19 once. Believe it or not, I had several epic romances of my own back then.”

Harper tried to hide her surprise, but it was hard. Diane saw right through her façade and laughed lightly. “I know, I seem a bit prudish and cold, but underneath lies a woman who loves deeply and hard, just like you. I was an introvert, Harper, I preferred my stories to real life because I didn’t have to interact with others. I let that affect my relationships, and it almost cost me finding a life long companion.”

Harper cocked her head to the side, “Almost?”

Diane smiled, “Surely, you have heard the rumors about Mae and myself, have you not?”

Harper scrutinized Diane’s face. “Wait, you and Mae, are together?”

Diane nodded. “It’s been ten years. Now of course, we can’t get married yet because that isn’t legal in Pennsylvania, but it doesn’t matter. We have each other.”

“But you said you’ve dated men…”

“Yes, and lied to myself all those years, trying to be something I wasn’t. I didn’t want that for you, Harper.” She grabbed Harper’s shoulders and squeezed them. “You don’t have to put your career ahead of your heart. That doesn’t make you any stronger. You are still an intelligent and incredible woman even if you are in love.”

Harper smiled at Diane. She was grateful to have such a wise woman as her mentor. “Thank you Diane. Those are words I need to hear.”

“Of course.” Diane shifted the conversation then. “So since you’re not carrying luggage, I take it you decided to stay an extra day in the city?”

“Yeah, I really haven’t had a chance to explore New York myself, and really, going back to Philly is just a sad reminder of him.”

“Don’t give up hope yet, Harper. Just because he didn’t show up last night, doesn’t mean he has given up on you.”

“Sure feels that way,” Harper bemoaned.

“When you get back to school and get your technological issues settled, you will see.”

Harper nodded, although she wasn’t feeling as hopeful as Diane was. “Well, I guess I’m going to go see some of the sights,” she said, eager to get some time to herself.

“Yes, of course. Enjoy yourself today Harper. I will see you back in Philadelphia. I believe you have a few assignments coming up, so I urge you to not procrastinate on them.”

Harper shook her head. “Yes, I won’t forget.”

Diane gave her a sly wink and headed back to the small table in the Starbucks that she was sitting at before.

Harper headed out of the hotel and one of the bell hops hailed her a cab. She decided that she needed to eat and first went to a small delicatessen before heading to some of the museums. She then walked around Time Square, exploring the shops, watching all of the interesting and unique people who walked around her. Her eyes focused mainly on hands, hands holding hands, hands grasping arms, hips and waists. All touches of intimacy, friendship, love. It was a simple touch and one that Harper dwelled on because she missed it so much. As she walked, she started thinking more about Patrick and their relationship.

When she had first met Patrick, she felt all of her anxieties slowly drift away. Patrick was her steady safety net. She realized now that she had held him on a pedestal that was so unsteady, he was bound to fall from it eventually. What did she expect? That he would be perfect all of the time? Although she didn’t want to excuse his actions, she realized that even if he didn’t kiss that girl, something else may have happened down the road that would have made Harper react just the same.

Maybe Patrick would be better off without me anyway, she thought. She might have fame, but she couldn’t imagine the kind of fame that he and the other boys were going to have soon. She could see it already with the number of magazines with their faces on their covers, the number of TV appearances they were already getting, the fans raging at their concerts. Patrick didn’t need her anymore. Perhaps that’s the main reason he didn’t come last night, she thought sadly.

As she walked, she noticed someone walking in front of her with a black fedora, skinny jeans and it made her heart skip a beat. “Patrick?” She said loudly, reaching for his shoulder.

The person turned around. He had confused wide-set eyes and dark features, completely different than Patrick. “Can I help you?” he said a bit defensively.

Harper blushed. “Um, I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else,” she said, quickly steering herself away from him. She moved out of the crowded sidewalk and into one of the stores, trying to catch her breath. She felt ridiculous. Of course Patrick wouldn’t be walking around the city, at least not without that large bodyguard behind him.

An idea came to her just then and she looked up to check the time on the screens high above the square. It was six at night. She pushed between the crowds and raised her hand for a cab. Once inside, she asked the driver what music venues were in Brooklyn.

“Well, lots of people are heading to the Knitting Factory tonight,” the driver said as he started for Brooklyn.

“Do you happen to know who’s playing there tonight?”

“What do I look like Ticketmaster?” the guy grunted. Harper shirked back. “Is that where you want to go?”

She nodded silently, and turned her attention out the window, focusing on the buildings they passed.
The cab pulled up to a row of buildings made of concrete and cement. A gathering of young girls and some guys was out front of one of the buildings and Harper saw one of them wearing a shirt that said “Fall Out Boy”.

“This is it! This is good,” she said, and the cab driver stopped in front. She paid him and made her way into the crowd, her eyes scanning for someone who might be scalping tickets.

She stood out front for a second, gazing at the venue, wondering if the guys were already there and inside. She figured they had to be because the poster on the side of the building said the concert was starting at 7:30 and they were always at least three hours early for their other shows in the past.

“Hey,” some guy in a New Found Glory hoodie approached her. “You looking for any tickets?”

Harper’s eyes lit up. “Oh yeah, actually.”

“$100,” he said, pulling a ticket out of his pocket.

She pulled out her wallet and handed him two $50 bills. “Here you go.”

He smiled. “Thanks.”

She held the ticket in her hand and slowly made her way to the entrance. She just wanted to see him one more time before she never saw him again. She realized now that it was for the best, for both of them. At least this way, she could see him without him seeing her. One of the security guards ripped off her ticket stub and ushered her inside.

Okay, Harper, just one last time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I give up,” Joe said sitting down on the curb.

“I will laugh at you if a cab splashes water as it goes by and gets you soaking wet,” Cassidy said, pulling on Joe’s arm.

The five of them were wandering around Central Park with Marcus hanging back about three feet in case anything were to happen to them.

Patrick turned around slowly, his eyes landing on every girl he saw. But, none of them were Harper. “Do you think we’ve checked everywhere she would have gone?” He looked at his band mates.

Pete and Andy were leaning against a street sign next to Joe and Cassidy, playing on their phones. Cassidy was looking at Patrick despairingly. “Patrick, this city is huge. We’d do better to go back to the hotel and wait for her there.”

“Yeah, Cassidy is right, man. Plus, it’s almost time for us to head over to the venue for sound check,” Pete said, putting his phone away. He walked over to Patrick. “Come on, it’s not the last time we will get to see Harper, you know that. We have three weeks left of the tour and then we get to go home. I’m sure Cass here will try to find a way to bring you two together.”

Cassidy nodded. “Of course. I didn’t get these fucking blisters on my feet just so you and Harper can go your separate ways.”

Patrick raised an eyebrow at her. “But I just think…”

“Listen to them Patrick. For christ’s sake, I’m starving. You know how irritable I get if I don’t eat,” Joe whined.

“Yeah, he’s like a fucking new born baby, dude,” Andy laughed.

“Okay, fine, let’s go then,” Patrick said, slouching his shoulders and lowering his fedora so that they wouldn’t see the sadness in his face.

The five of them climbed into the SUV that Marcus had driven them around in, Patrick pressing himself tightly against the far side. He couldn’t believe how hard it was for them to find Harper, it made him wonder if she even wanted to be found.

“Patrick,” He looked at Pete, who was sitting next to him. “It’s gonna be okay, man. I promise you that you will get to talk to her. I mean, she’s not gonna stay out all night is she? When we get back to the hotel after the show, go to her room. I bet she will be there.”

Patrick gave him a sad smile. “Yeah, maybe. Or maybe she will be gone by then, or maybe she won’t answer her door, or maybe I should just face facts.”

“Not this again,” Pete moaned. “Patrick, stop dwelling. You know and the rest of us know that Harper wants you. I’m sorry you can’t have her right now, but you will soon, promise.”

“I just want to set everything right, Pete. I feel like everything is more screwed up than it was before. I mean before, I figured she didn’t want to be with me anymore, but now, there’s hope and I can’t take not getting it all sorted out.”

“Well, keep it in your pants buddy. You’ll get your chance,” Pete laughed, making Patrick scrunch up his nose.

They headed back to the hotel and had the clerk try her hotel room phone once more. When there was no answer, the boys quickly showered and changed and then headed to the venue.

They pulled up to the Knitting Factory, where there were already some fans waiting outside for the doors to open. Marcus and a few of the security guards from the venue escorted the boys and Cassidy inside, the guys stopping a bit to sign some autographs and take some pictures with their fans.

Once inside, their techs got them onstage to work out some of the kinks from last night’s show. Their opening act, New Found Glory, was lounging around, and Joe and Pete went over to greet them and chat, while Andy was doing sound check with his drums.

Patrick plugged his earphones into his iPhone and turned on his first song for his warm up.

“Oh no, it’s about to start, ear muffs guys!” Joe joked and Patrick stuck him the middle finger. He turned on some Bruno Mars and started singing along.

He could hear Cassidy ask Joe, “Does he do that all of the time?”

Joe nodded. “Yeah, Patrick likes to annoy us constantly. It’s kind of his thing.”

Patrick rolled his eyes and started wandering around the venue. He wished that Harper was there with him so that he could show her around, show her everything that had changed with them in just the last four months. Although it was barely half a year, Patrick felt as if it was a lifetime. He even wondered if he and Harper could get back to where they were. He asked Pete this exact thing.

“Why do you want to go back to before?” Pete asked him with an astonished flare. “You both have changed since then. Your relationship is changed. You can’t go back to before. Go forward you must.”

“So wise, Master Yoda,” Patrick joked as they sat on the edge of the stage, swinging their feet back and forth.

“Duuuuuddeees, what’s upppp!?” Pete jumped up as a barrel of a guy pranced onto the stage wearing a sweaty Hurley shirt, cargo shorts and a baseball cap that kept his moist long tangled hair at bay.

“Dirty, my main man, what’s crack-a-lackin’?” Pete said as they gave each other a half hug.

“Pete, you missed it last night, chicks all over the place! Of course they were just waiting on you guys, but y’all never showed.” Dirty was a guy that Pete picked up at their concert in Tampa. He had nothing else really going for him and Pete thought he was a cool dude who could do some roadie work for them. It was one of the things Patrick admired about Pete. He was always looking out for others.

Dirty was even older than Pete, but he acted like some young, dumb kid like the rest of them so he fit right in. Dirty walked over to Patrick. “Tell me you got some pussy last night.”

Patrick blushed. “Uh, negative ghost rider,” he said, secretly hating the fact that Dirty referred to Harper as pussy. She wasn’t that to him. She was so much more.

“You’ve got to be kidding me! Dude, that fucking sucks! What she just reject you?”

“It’s a little more complicated than that, Dirty. Hey, I’ve got an idea, let’s go fuck with Marcus,” Pete cut in.

Dirty grinned. “Thought you’d never ask. Coming with us Rickster?” Dirty asked Patrick.

Patrick shook his head. “No, you two crazy kids have fun. I think I’m gonna stay here and… think.”

“You think too much little dude. Just do,” Dirty replied and headed for the backstage.

“You know, he’s crazy as fuck, but Dirty’s got a point,” Pete said, giving Patrick a look.

“Are you trying to tell me that Dirty is more sensible than I am?” Patrick asked him.

They both laughed. “Right, I’ll see you backstage. And, uh…. If you see any water bottles just lying around and you’re tempted to take a sip, don’t.”

Patrick raised an eyebrow. “What are you planning on doing Pete?”

“You’ll see,” Pete said mischievously and then headed off to play his prank with Dirty.

Patrick laid his back against the stage and stared up at all of the lights that would soon be hitting him, making him sweat and exposing him to the crowd. All he wanted was for the concert to be over right then if it meant that he could go back to the hotel and wait by Harper’s door for her. He turned his music back on, placed his headphones in and started singing at the top of his lungs, ignoring everyone else around him, day dreaming about what he would say to Harper if he got the chance to see her again.