I Love You More Than I Can Ever Scream

Ashley's P.O.V:

It's been over two weeks since Andy got that CD from the girl, and he seems to find a way to bring her into every conversation with the band. We would be talking about what our next album will be and he keeps going 'Well we need to make sure it is as good as this one because we manage to save a life of an amazing singer,' and stuff like that. It's driving me insane. We are still together, we still kiss and hug and all, but I always feel as if he can't stop thinking about her; it feels different. I know he doesn't mean it that way, but it is eating me up inside.

It's breakfast time, and everyone is sat around the table; everyone except for CC because he always sleeps in really late, that is why he gets called Last Place. I couldn't even look Andy in the eye today because it hurt so much to think that those beautiful eyes may not look upon me with the love they once held.
"Ash, are you okay?" Jake asked
"Why the hell, do you all keep asking me?"
"Because you're not okay, Ash,"
"Well there you go. You have your answer and you didn't even need to ask me." All eyes around the table turned to me, and I immediately felt bad for snapping, "Look, Jake, I'm sorry..."
"No, don't be, man. It's cool; I just want to know what's wrong so I can help you." I swallowed.
"Ask him," I say, pointing to Andy and walking out. I shut the door from the living room, and slumped down with my back against it. Tears streamed down my face as they spoke in hushed voices.
"Andy, what's going on? Did you two brake up?" Jinxx asked.
"No, we haven't broken up. That's why it confused me," Andy replied. That bastard; he knows what is hurting me, so why the fuck can't he just admit it? Instead he wants to act like the innocent bystander who has no clue as to why they should know what is causing their supposedly boyfriend to breakdown inside. I just can't fucking believe him.

A knock sounded at the door, which was followed by Andy's voice.
"Ash, we need to talk..." his voice was filled with sadness. I swallowed. This cannot be good.
"Wu-what do you want?" I stammer, swallowing back my tears.
"To talk to you... somewhere more private," I stand up weakly, and open the door, flash a fake smile to Andy and walk back, towards the back of the bus. "Ashley..." he said grabbing my wrist "What's wrong? Why did you snap at Jake? Why did you tell them to ask me? I need to know what's going on," I pulled my arm out of his grasp with a sharp tug, which startled him. He's never known me to not let him touch me.
"Oh, you know what going on all right; you are obsessed with that girl who gave you the CD. It's all you ever talk about, it's like I don't even know you anymore."
"You think I'm obsessed with her? I freaking admire her for the shit she has gone through, but no, I am not obsessed with her. How can you say I'm hurting you by admiring a girl for her strength when you practically beg every girl at the concert for sex each night?!"
"I fucking don't, you know I have been loyal to you! I haven't even looked at another person in the way I look at you!"
"And yet every night when we are on stage you act like the man whore you used to be."
"Exactly what you said... USED to be... I'm not like that anymore, and you know, it. For fuck sake Andy, I can't fucking take this!" I scream, running out of the bedrooms, and the out of the bus, onto the chilly Nebraskan streets.

I walk aimlessly through the icy streets, hoping to get as far away from the bus and from Andy as I can. Tears stain my face as they flow down my made-up cheeks. I couldn't stand to be with him any longer; it hurt so much to stand there as he called me a man-whore. He knows I've been nothing but loyal to him, I admit, I do act up on stage, flirting with the girls... but I have always been like that ever since he has known me, that is just who I am. I think I always wanted to hide the fact I was gay away from myself, and the best way for me to do that was to flirt with girls. It was like this for a year when I was living with Andy. We messed about and flirted but I still flirted with loads of girls. Ugh, I am so annoyed with him right now, and I don't even know why!

I need to get away from there, just for a day so I can clear my head; thank god we aren't performing until tomorrow night.

I keep walking until I stumble upon a park. I must be a good few miles away the bus now because I have been walking for hours. I sit down on a park bench, and pull out my phone. 27 missed calls and 34 messages. It rings again. I sigh, accepting an incoming call, I wouldn't have accepted it if it wasn't Jon that was calling.
"WHERE ON EARTH ARE YOU?" he screams into the phone
"I don't have a fucking clue and don't care. I had to get away!"
YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, YOUNG MAN,"
"Why the hell should I? I just need to clear my fucking head right now, and you fucking yelling at me is not going to help!" I scream, hanging up almost immediately. I know that wasn't a wise choice, but I didn't know what else to do. I'm shaking with anger and hurt, and all those around me are so mad at me, I don't even know what to do. I can't cope with this.

I can't cope with Andy being mad at me. I can't cope with him loving someone else.
I search through my pockets, looking for a notepad and pen so I can write my feelings down into lyrics, but it soon becomes evident that I don't have any. I slump back further into my seat, filled with self-hatred and hurt. I knew I was out of line this morning, but so was Andy, and he had no right to say what he did. Just thinking about him made my stomach lurch; I miss him so much, I just want to run back into his arms. To be held by him again, but I'm too stubborn, too lost to admit defeat. Instead I just wait for it to pass.