If Jealousy Could Kill

Mami shoved her hands into her jean pockets again, her legs carrying her down the sidewalk as her younger companion walked beside her. Rina’s arms were wrapped around her torso, her hand rubbing the upper part of her arms as she followed Mami further into the park. Mami could tell that Rina was thinking the worst again. It’s what she always did. She probably had these horrible scenarios about what Mami could want going through her head.

Rina didn’t understand why Mami had insisted on them coming here. If she had wanted to talk to Rina, she could have just done it at the café. Making Rina come out here made the brunette think that Mami had something to hide from Haruna, and that only made Rina trust her even less. After the way Mami betrayed her, Rina wasn’t exactly in a mood to trust the blonde anymore.

“Come on,” Mami said. She grabbed Rina’s arm before the brunette could protest, dragging her off of the sidewalk and through the crowds of people. The blonde pulled Rina along, cutting through the grass and over to one of the many large trees in the park.

When the girls had made it over to the tree, Mami dropped her hand from Rina, letting her body drop to the ground. She laid in the grass, her arms laying behind her head.

“Sit down with me.” Rina gave the blonde a suspicious glance, but she chose to follow Mami’s advice anyway. The young brunette let her body drop to the ground, sitting cross-legged next to the lying Mami. Rina extended her hand, her manicured fingernails beginning to pick at the blades of grass. She wanted answers. She wanted to know why and how Mami could betray her like this. The blonde had known Rina for much longer than she’d known Tomomi, she should have taken Rina’s side and yet, she didn’t. For that, Rina thought she deserved an explanation.

The two girls stayed silent, Rina not desiring to talk and Mami not knowing quite what to say to Rina. She was beginning to rethink telling Rina of her plan. Rina was looking so unstable, she’d become so upset by the news, more upset than Mami had actually bargained for. She knew the plan could help Rina but if she didn’t explain it right, it could only further hurt her.

“It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” Mami asked, deciding to finally break the silence that had overtaken the two girls. Rina glanced over at Mami, her brown eyes gazing at the blonde through the small parts in her brown hair. Mami was beating around the bush; she was avoiding telling Rina something. And whenever someone like Mami was avoiding telling someone something, you knew it wasn’t going to end well. “So it’s really hurting you, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rina said with a half-hearted laugh. The question had come so unexpectedly, Rina didn’t know how to react to it. Then again, Rina didn’t really know how to react to anything. Did she talk about it openly? Did she try to hide it? Did she try to fool Mami? Nothing was making sense and nothing was looking like a good option. Rina just wanted things to go back to how they were before Mami interfered. All of this back and forth was really messing with Rina’s emotions.

Mami sighed softly, letting her eyes flicker up to Rina. It had only been a few hours since Rina found out and yet, she looked so upset. Mami hadn’t been planning on springing her idea onto the young girl so quickly, but Rina had gotten so upset so quickly that Mami felt like she had no choice but to do it now.

“Please don’t lie to me, Rina. I’m trying to help you.”

“You’re delusional, Mami. I’m doing just fine.” Mami let out another soft sigh, pushing herself onto her side so she laid facing Rina now. This girl was going to be difficult, wasn’t she? But Mami was going to figure out how to get through to her.

“You’re not fine, Rina. Look at yourself. It’s only been a few hours and you’re so upset. You’re acting like you lost your best friend.” So maybe lying to Mami wasn’t going to be the best option after all.

Rina wanted to make a bitter comeback to Mami’s words. If Rina couldn’t find it in her to hit Mami physically, she wanted to do it verbally. She wanted to make Mami feel the same pain the blonde had caused her. But instead, the brunette bit her tongue, simply refusing to give a response to Mami. Being so openly bitter and violent wasn’t the type of person Rina was. No matter how she was feeling, she would always keep her calm and sensitive demeanor.

Maybe she was acting like she had lost her best friend because she did lose her best friend. And it was all Mami’s fault. If Mami hadn’t meddled where she didn’t belong, none of this would be happening to any of them. Rina didn’t want to be mad at Mami for this, but she couldn’t help it. Things were going just fine until she decided to step in and “help”.

“I know you’re mad at me, but I think I have an idea that could help you. Just hear me out, okay?” Rina didn’t want to hear Mami out. She didn’t want to hear what kind of “help” Mami had for her. If Mami’s help for her was anything like what she’d done for Tomomi and Haruna, then Rina wasn’t interested in it. Mami had helped quite enough already.

“Mami, I really just want to go home…”

“Just listen please,” Mami said desperately to the girl. She could hear Rina give a soft sigh before seeing the girl’s sad eyes dart over to her.

Where could be the harm in listening? It’s not like Mami could do much more harm than she’d already done.

“What’s this idea of yours?” Rina asked reluctantly. Rina watched as Mami pushed herself into a sitting position, bringing her legs up beneath her so she was sitting cross-legged like Rina was.

“I think Tomomi and Haruna will be very happy with each other. If you had seen them this morning – if you saw what I did – then I know you would understand why I say that.”

Mami’s sentence paused, her mind looking back to this morning. She’d come to let them out, half expecting them to still be at opposite ends of the room. Instead, Mami had found them cuddled together on her bed, Haruna wrapped tightly in Tomomi’s arms. For someone to be able to hold the snarky Haruna like that, Mami knew there had to be something special about them. Haruna was always so busy trying to be the dominant personality; it took someone special to bring out her softer side like that.

“That’s why I think you need to let Haruna go. I know it may be hard to believe, but I know how you feel. I fell in love with someone I couldn’t have as well. That’s how I know that sometimes even when we want someone; we’re not the best thing for them. It’s up to us to admit that and accept it. Haruna might be happiest with Tomomi, and I think you need to give her a chance to figure that out for herself. I wasn’t planning on telling you this yet but I guess I have no choice. Just don’t get mad at what I say right away, okay? I want you to think about it first.”

Rina could only stare at the babbling blonde. This was unlike her. Mami was rambling senselessly, something she rarely did, and she was acting so serious. Mami was never serious about anything. Rina was struggling with staying mad at Mami’s actions or being able to forgive her. Mami sounded like she was genuinely concerned for Rina, but how could she be when she’d turned her back on Rina like that? All of this was only further confusing the young brunette.

“Now I know you won’t like it at first but I want you to consider it. I think you just need a distraction from all of this. It’s not going to help anyone if you keep thinking and focusing on them. So… I think in order for you to move on, you should try seeing other people… I have a friend from work and I want you to meet her, I think you two could really like each other.”

Mami hesitantly glanced up at Rina. The brunette was looking at her with wide eyes, the hand playing with the grass now clenched into a fist. Rina had been wrong. Very wrong. There was harm in listening to her words. Mami could make it worse and she was making it worse. Rina didn’t understand how Mami could possibly make this any worse but Mami did have a way of figuring out how to do the impossible.

“How could you even suggest that?” Rina asked in a hushed tone, finally speaking for the first time since Mami’s rambling had begun. Mami bit down on her lip, she was almost wishing she hadn’t heard that. How was she supposed to answer that? Even Mami didn’t know how to answer a question like that.

“I just think that--”

“I don’t want to date anyone else,” Rina said forcefully, cutting off the blonde’s words. Mami could only stare at the forceful tone the usually soft spoken brunette had used. With one suggestion, Rina had seemed to go from miserable to furious.

Rina didn’t want to hear it anymore. She was sick and tired of hearing Mami’s “suggestions”. Her suggestions weren’t helping anyone! Mami really just needed to stop trying to “help”. Every time she opened her mouth, she made things worse. This was supposed to somehow help Rina feel better, but Rina wasn’t seeing how any of this was supposed to make her feel better.

“Just think about it. Please.”

“I said I don’t want to!” Rina shouted, raising her voice to Mami. At this point, all Rina really wanted was for Mami to just shut her mouth and stop making her ridiculous suggestions. The blonde could only groan in frustration at Rina’s shout, letting herself fall back onto the grass again. This wasn’t going as Mami had hoped it would. In fact, it was going in the complete opposite direction.

“We have to do something to help you feel better.”

“We wouldn’t have to do anything if you hadn’t butted in where you weren’t needed.” Rina could feel the regret pooling in her stomach at the words. Even with how angry Rina felt towards Mami and her suggestions, she still felt kind of bad for her harsh words. But Mami deserved them. Rina knew she deserved them. She needed to learn her lesson.

“I was only trying to help, Rina. I care about all of you and I want you all to feel happy.”

“You keep saying that!” Mami cringed from Rina’s yell. She really wished Rina would stop doing that; people were beginning to stare at them. The last thing they needed was for them to attract the wrong stranger’s attention. “But I don’t get it. Haruna has been happy with me. She was never unhappy so why did you need to set her up with Tomomi? We were doing fine. Nothing needed to be fixed!”

“I know you love Haruna but…. Haruna doesn’t feel the same way about you. She loves you with all of her heart, but she doesn’t love you like that. You’re her little sister; she’ll always care about you. She can be happy with you and with Tomomi; nothing has to change between any of us. But you need to understand that you’re her little sister and nothing more.”

That was all very too the point, but Rina simply wasn’t getting it. Mami had to find another way to get through to her and if being blunt was the only way then that’s what Mami would do. She felt remorse for the girl, but going around in circles with her wouldn’t do them any good. If the dating thing wasn’t going to happen, then Mami would just need to find another way to make Rina feel better.

“Does Haruna only see me as a child?”

“Rina, that’s not true. You know that’s not true and I never said anything like that.” Mami was getting frustrated, but she was doing her best not to let Rina see that frustration. She knew Rina was only twisting her words because her pain was blinding her, but it didn’t make it any less frustrating. “She cares about you and she’d do anything to make you happy. But now, you need to think about what would make her happy. You need to move on from your feelings; you need to accept that you’re just friends with her.”

Rina’s only response was to furiously shake her head. Mami was wrong. She just had to be wrong. After all these years, Haruna couldn’t really only think of her as just a friend. She had always been certain that Haruna saw her as more; that Haruna wanted them to be more than just friends. After all of the hugs and the kisses and the cuddling… How could Haruna see her as only a friend? She knew Haruna better than Mami did; she had to be the one who was right about this. Not Mami. Mami didn’t know anything. She didn’t understand anything.

Rina refused to accept the idea that she was just Haruna’s friend.

“I know how hard this must be for you. If you don’t want to start dating, we can find another way to help you out. It was only a suggestion, Rina. We can find other ways, I promise.”

“I don’t want to find other ways! Mami, you’re asking me to give up on someone I love. People don’t just give up on someone they truly love.”

“Sometimes the best love is the kind that lets go.” Rina let her eyes fall on Mami again, the blonde looking back at her as well.

Those few little words rang inside of Rina’s head. The two girls’ eyes connected, Rina becoming entranced in those eyes of Mami’s. The eyes that told her that Mami was indeed telling the truth. Rina shook her head violently. No, no, no! Mami wasn’t right, she didn’t understand this. Maybe she had felt like she was in love at one point, but it wasn’t real. If Mami could so easily let go of that love, there’s no way it could have been real. Rina knew that Mami couldn’t possibly understand the damage she had caused.

“I know that’s hard to understand, but please try, Rina. You don’t have to go through this alone either, you’ve got me here.” Rina could feel Mami reach over and grab her hand, giving it a tight and reassuring squeeze. “We’ll get you through this.”

“I just don’t understand…”

“What do you mean?” Mami let her body scoot closer to Rina, dropping her hand and in turn, wrapping her arms tightly around the girl, giving her a tight hug. She had half expected Rina to push her away but instead, the young girl sat completely still, the tears shining in her eyes.

“Why does it have to be Tomomi? Why couldn’t it be me? Why did she leave me for Tomomi?” Mami couldn’t respond to that; she didn’t have the answers to something like that. Instead of answering, Mami simply gave the girl a tight squeeze again. She thought about reassuring Rina again that Haruna hadn’t left her, but what good would that do? Rina didn’t seem to be really listening to anything she was saying any longer.

“Let’s go to my house, okay? I think it would be better for you not to be around them right now.” Mami knew that when Haruna got home, she’d probably bring Tomomi with her, it seemed like just the thing a girl like Haruna would do.

“I want to go home.” Rina didn’t really want to be around anyone right now. But Mami wouldn’t have any of that. This time, it was Mami’s turn to shake her head. She wasn’t going to let Rina go home, not when she knew how upset Rina still was. Letting her be around them wouldn’t do anyone any good.

“You should stay with me tonight, it’ll be better for you. Just trust me on this one, okay?”

“Okay…” Where was the point in fighting it? Rina didn’t want to, but maybe it was for the best. Being with Mami was better than being around Haruna and Tomomi. Even the young brunette knew that Haruna would bring Tomomi home tonight.

Rina’s reply was murmured softly, but Mami had heard it clearly. She let her arms drop from around Rina, extending a hand out to her. The younger girl took it, allowing her friend to pull her to her feet. Mami linked their arms together, giving Rina a small smile before pulling her back towards the path they’d strayed from.

***

Mami pulled the covers up and over the sleeping girl, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead. None of this was going how she had planned it anymore. In retrospect, Mami knew she was naïve to think this would all work out perfectly. But she had hoped by some miracle that it could work out perfectly. Except now, everything was going wrong. Maybe Tomomi and Haruna were content, but now she had to help Rina. With Rina having rejected her only idea, Mami didn’t exactly know how she was going to accomplish that one anymore.

As the blonde left the room, she couldn’t help but let her mind wander to Rina’s strange behavior. Her emotions were so erratic. One minute, she’d been completely furious with Mami, looking almost like she was ready to hit her. But then, by just a few words, Rina had changed back into a sad girl who looked like she was on the verge of crying. About the only extreme she hadn’t gone to yet was being overly happy. She was hitting every other extreme except for that one.

Mami didn’t know how to handle this. At least, not when it was coming from Rina. She could handle it when Haruna lost control and she could handle when Tomomi lost control; god only knows how many times those two had let their emotions get the better of them. But Rina was different. Rina was always so in control of herself. Even in the worst of situations, Rina was always in control of her emotions and her actions. She would always be smiling even when bad things were happening. Rina always had a special sparkle in her eyes; a sparkle that told everyone she had hope for a better future. But when Mami looked at Rina now, she didn’t really see that sparkle anymore.

To have Rina acting like this was brand new to Mami. Trying to get Rina distracted by dating again was the only plan she had for the gentle girl. She didn’t know how to do any of this. She had never had these problems before and neither had any of her friends. The three of them hadn’t really dated in years; none of them would know how to handle something like this.

When Mami got to her living room, she let out a soft groan, collapsing face first onto the couch. What had she gotten herself into? This wasn’t supposed to be this hard. She was supposed to fix up Tomomi and Haruna while Rina was supposed to be easy to distract. Rina was always easy to distract! Except for this time. Why did she have to choose now to be hard to handle?

It hadn’t even been a day yet, but Mami was already beginning to regret getting involved in this.