If Jealousy Could Kill

“Rina, can you go get the door?” Rina heard her roommate call from the living room. The younger brunette shook her head as she heard the doorbell ring again. Really now, could Haruna have gotten that busy in the few minutes since Rina had left the living room?

When Rina had left the living room, Haruna had been running around it, desperately trying to get ready on time before Tomomi got there as she was running late again. It was Haruna’s own fault for being late anyway. She’d lost track of time when she was messing with her guitar, she hadn’t been paying any attention. Of course, Rina could have reminded her of what time it was and she probably should have, but she never did. In truth, Rina didn’t really want Haruna to leave tonight. If she left, that meant she would have time to be alone with Tomomi and being alone with Tomomi meant that the two girls had time to grow closer. She knew it was wrong to purposefully let Haruna be late but she couldn’t help it.

Rina didn’t want them getting any closer, and it was all for Haruna’s own sake really. The closer she got, the more hurt she would get when Tomomi turned her back on Haruna. It would happen, Rina knew it would. Haruna had only strayed away from her one time before and she’d gotten so hurt when she had done it. Rina knew that Haruna couldn’t have forgotten that, so she didn’t understand why Haruna was straying away from her again. Hadn’t she learned her lesson? Couldn’t she see that Rina was the only one for her?

Rina sat down the knife onto the countertop, walking away from the vegetables she had busied herself cutting. She didn’t cook very often, usually only on special occasions, but she thought that tonight was as good as any to try it again. In a way, Rina was almost hoping that Haruna would decide to stay home if she knew Rina was cooking, Haruna did always seem to enjoy her cooking. Sure, that would mean Tomomi would stay with them but she’d take that over them being alone. But with the doorbell ringing, Rina knew the chances of Haruna staying home were getting slimmer and slimmer by the second.

Rina poked her head out of the kitchen doorway, frowning when she saw Haruna sitting on the couch, digging through her purse. She was right; Haruna wasn’t really doing anything of importance. She just didn’t want to go answer the door even though it was probably for her anyway.

“Why can’t you go get it?” Rina asked suddenly. Haruna turned around to look at her, raising an eyebrow in curiosity.

“I’m still getting ready,” she pointed out. Rina could see a small smile ghost across Haruna’s face. Haruna was already enjoying this. If she wanted to play that game then Rina could play it to, she had learned a lot from knowing Haruna all these years.

“And I’m cooking, which I feel is a bit more important since I’m using the stove and all. Wouldn’t want to burn down the house now, would we?” Rina countered her, a smile coming onto her own face. Haruna stared at her for a while before her smile grew, a small laugh following it.

“You’re getting better at this,” Haruna complimented as she pushed herself off the couch. She tossed her purse onto the couch, walking past a smiling Rina. Satisfied, Rina retreated back into the kitchen to finish her preparations.

There was still a small part of her that hoped it wouldn’t be Tomomi at the door, but Rina also knew how little of a chance that was. The only two people who ever came over anymore at this time of night were Mami or Tomomi, and Mami was busy doing whatever it was that she was doing. Rina didn’t bother to ask when she’d talked to Mami earlier.

Although right now, Rina was wishing she hadn’t let her anger get the better of her. Maybe if she had actually tried to talk Mami into coming over tonight, she’d feel a bit better about Haruna and Tomomi spending the night together… Or maybe she’d just feel worse since this was Mami’s doing and all. She didn’t really know how she’d feel if Mami were actually here with her right now. All she really knew was that she didn’t fancy the idea of being alone.

Rina was broken from her thoughts when she heard the high pitched voice float into the kitchen from the living room.

“What do you mean you’re not ready?!” Tomomi half shouted at Haruna. The older girl only laughed at her girlfriend’s shout. You’d think Tomomi would be used to Haruna’s lack of punctuality by this point. “I told you I would pick you up at 7, so why aren’t you ready?”

“Relax, Timo. I’ll be ready in like five minutes, just go help Rina in the kitchen until I’m done, okay?”

Rina’s body froze when she heard Haruna’s suggestion. No, no, no. Why did she have to suggest that? Rina really didn’t want to be around Tomomi right now. She was always so good at keeping herself cheerful but right now, being cheerful towards Tomomi was the last thing she wanted to do. She knew that she would try to force it anyway, she always did try to force the happiness, but she didn’t know if she’d be able to keep it up this time. It would be better for everyone if Tomomi just stayed away from her right now.

Much to Rina’s dismay, she could hear the clicking of footsteps on the kitchen tile. Of course, the one time Tomomi decides to actually follow someone’s advice would be this time. That did seem just like Rina’s luck.

“Are you cooking, Rina?”

“Yes.”

Rina didn’t mean to make her reply sound so cold but she couldn’t help it. She wasn’t in any frame of mind to talk to Tomomi. With every day, Rina was finding it harder and harder to keep up the happy demeanor around Tomomi. It had only been four days since Mami had interfered with things, but nothing about this was getting easier for the youngest brunette. If anything, things were just getting harder. She was finding losing Haruna to be harder this time than it was the first time.

“I didn’t know either of you knew how to cook, Haruna always made it seem like you both didn’t know,” Tomomi said, the amusement clear in her voice. Rina bit down on her lip before forcing a light laughter out.

“Well she’s half right. We both know how to cook, except both of us just don’t want to most of the time,” Rina said. Her reply this time was much lighter and friendlier. She was getting control back over her words.

Sometimes, Rina really did hate herself during times like this. She hated how she was always nice to people when she didn’t really want to be. But it was just a habit of hers. All her life, Rina had been that ball of positive energy. Even when she was upset, she would try to push her real emotions aside to fake the happiness. Being around someone who was happy would always make others happy, and that’s what Rina always desired. She’d feign happiness just to keep people happy, even if those people had stolen someone from her.

“I’m surprised Haruna knows how to at all,” Tomomi joked. After her words, a silence took over the kitchen, Rina having failed to give a response to Tomomi. Rina didn’t really know what to say to her. But the silence didn’t last long when Rina could hear Tomomi shuffle beside her. “Is Haruna always this late?”

“Pretty much. It’s kind of her thing, you know. Don’t you remember the day we met you?” Rina looked over at Tomomi to see the thoughtful look on her face. As the realization came to Tomomi, a sparkle came to her eyes.

“That’s right! You two were late that day,” Tomomi said with a laugh, “So that was Haruna’s fault, huh?”

“If we’re ever late, it’s Haruna’s fault. She really has no sense of time.”

“That does sound like her.”

Silence took over the girls again. Rina was doing her best but she was struggling with it. Really, all she wanted was for Tomomi to leave her alone. What was taking Haruna so long anyway? She said it would only be five minutes but Rina was positive that five minutes had passed, even if she didn’t have access to a clock at the moment.

Maybe it was senseless for Rina to be mad at Tomomi, but she couldn’t help it. She and Haruna were doing fine for years before Tomomi came along. Haruna hadn’t strayed away from her and she had stayed by Haruna. Rina knew that Haruna shared her feelings, there was just no possible way that Haruna didn’t. When Rina looked back on all the things that Haruna has said and done to her over the years, Rina knew that it wasn’t possible for Haruna to see her as only a friend. Even if Haruna had never directly said it, Rina could see it.

She would never listen to anyone who told her differently. She knew Haruna better than anyone else. It’s just… Haruna had a bit of a problem with straying away. That was all. It didn’t mean anything and Rina knew that Haruna didn’t love Tomomi. She was just being fooled. It was only a matter of time before things would fall apart between them and Haruna would come crawling back to Rina. Just like the last time. But Rina didn’t want that to happen again. She didn’t want Haruna to get her heartbroken again, she wanted Haruna to realize what a mistake she was making and come back to her before Haruna got hurt again.

Haruna had been the first one who showed Rina any real love. She was the first one who tried to be friends with her and she was the first one to treat her with real kindness. Rina didn’t want to lose that… She didn’t want to lose Haruna. If Haruna stayed with Tomomi, then she would need Rina less and less. Rina could already see it happening. She could already see Haruna turning to Tomomi when she needed something instead of turning to Rina like she normally did.

“Rina, are you all right? You seem like you’re upset today,” Tomomi said finally after the seconds of silence had ticked by. Rina shook her head hard, bringing herself back to attention.

Tomomi could see Rina’s body tense as she set the knife down onto the counter. She didn’t respond as she grabbed the cutting board, tossing the vegetables into the pot she’d been warming on the stove. Tomomi couldn’t help but get the feeling that just maybe Rina was kind of mad at her for some reason.

“I’m fine,” her response finally came. But it was a pretty cold response and Tomomi could tell that it was a lie.

“You can tell me if something is wrong…. Is it because of this?” Tomomi didn’t want to ask that question because she knew that if Rina said it was, then it could jeopardize what she had with Haruna. But she also couldn’t let Rina bottle up her emotions.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Tomomi sighed softly at Rina’s response. For such a usually sunny person, she really was a difficult person to get through to. But that’s kind of how it always went with people like Rina. Usually, the sunniest people were the ones who bottled up all their other emotions; it’s the hardest thing to get the truth out of people like that. Tomomi knew this pretty well. Her mother was a lot like Rina in that way. Her mother would always try to act happy for everyone else while she kept her real feelings locked tightly away.

“Are you okay with me and Haruna?” she asked, rephrasing her question. Tomomi could see Rina’s actions pause, her hands gripping the plastic spoon she had picked up tightly. Taking a deep breath, Tomomi chose to continue. “I love Haruna, but I want to make sure you’re okay with it.”

Rina couldn’t remember anything past that sentence. As soon as she heard Tomomi say those three little words, it was like everything began to get hazy for Rina. She couldn’t think straight and she couldn’t remember actually seeing anything. Everything was just black, nearly shrouded in darkness. Rina could feel herself talking but she couldn’t hear herself, it was like the words weren’t registering in her mind. But she could hear Tomomi perfectly clearly.

“R-Rina, what are you doing? Is this a joke?”

Rina didn’t understand what Tomomi meant by that. As far as she was concerned, she hadn’t moved an inch. The only part of her that had moved had been her mouth and she was positive that whatever she had said couldn’t possibly have been that bad. Rina would never say anything overly bad; she always had more control over her words than that.

“Please let me go, this isn’t funny.”

The more Tomomi spoke, the more confused Rina got. She hadn’t moved! She wasn’t touching Tomomi at all. Why was Tomomi talking to her like this? She wasn’t doing anything wrong. At least… She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong. The last thing she could remember doing was picking up the spoon so she could stir the pot. When she went to do that, she had heard Tomomi say she loved Haruna and that was the last thing Rina could remember seeing clearly. Now, the only thing that was clear to her was Tomomi’s words. Tomomi was probably just trying to pull another one of her silly jokes.

“What do you mean stay away? I don’t get it.”

But she hadn’t said anything. Rina never felt herself talking and she never heard herself talking. She knew she had said something before Tomomi started her senseless begging but right now, she’d never said anything. Tomomi was probably just overreacting. That had to be it. Rina wasn’t doing anything wrong; Tomomi was the one doing something wrong.

“Stop it, Rina! This isn’t funny anymore.”

Tomomi sounded like she was about to cry. Even if she was mad, Rina didn’t want Tomomi crying. If she did, it might make Haruna mad at Rina. Rina tried to move her hands but she didn’t feel like she was actually doing it. She didn’t feel like she was moving at all. She felt disconnected from her body in a way, almost like she had no control over her own actions.

“Timo! Where are you?”

As soon as she heard Haruna’s words, Rina squeezed her eyes shut tightly, shaking her head hard to try and clear the fog that had clouded her mine. As the fog cleared, Rina looked over at Tomomi, her eyes widening when she saw the girl pulling on her sleeve, trying to free it from the knife that held it to the counter… A knife that Rina had been holding.

In a state of panic, Rina pulled the knife back quickly, letting it fall from her hand and clatter onto the tiled floor below. Her body stayed frozen in place as her eyes watched Tomomi. When Rina had pulled the knife back, Tomomi had stumbled backwards holding her arm against her chest. It didn’t look like Rina had actually hurt Tomomi. After all, she didn’t see any blood anywhere. It only looked like she had just scared the girl by catching her sleeve.

But Rina didn’t remember doing anything like that.

She didn’t remember telling Tomomi to “stay away”. She didn’t remember grabbing the knife and she certainly didn’t remember trying to stab Tomomi… Or maybe she hadn’t meant to stab her at all. She’d only caught the excess material of Tomomi’s shirt after all. It was probably just an accident; Rina would never actually try to hurt Tomomi. Or, at least, she didn’t think she’d try to hurt Tomomi. She didn’t know if she had actually tried to or not, everything was nothing more than a blur to her.

“There you are, Timo. Why didn’t you answer me?” Haruna asked as she came bounding into the kitchen. Both Rina and Tomomi turned to look at the oblivious girl who was now holding Tomomi’s hand. She leaned up, giving her girlfriend a soft kiss before looking in between her two friends, finally taking notice of the tense atmosphere in the room. “Is everything okay?”

“Of course!” Rina answered quickly, “We were just joking around with each other.”

“Yeah… We were just joking,” Tomomi agreed, her voice wavering a bit. Her words were followed by a nervous laugh as she tried to give her girlfriend a confident smile. If that was Rina’s idea of a “joke” then Tomomi wasn’t laughing, and Tomomi laughed at nearly everything.

“Why is everyone acting so weird lately? First it was Mami and now it’s you two,” Haruna huffed in frustration. Rina laughed softly at Haruna’s very obvious frustration. She really was kind of adorable when she couldn’t figure something out.

“And what? You’re normal?” Tomomi cracked off, earning herself a joking glare from her girlfriend. Haruna bumped her shoulder into Tomomi, giving the girl a small shove in return for the comment. Not bothering to response to Tomomi’s comment, Haruna turned back to Rina.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay alone for tonight? I can call Mami if you want me to.” Haruna asked. She knew Rina could take care of herself but she was getting a bit worried. Rina seemed a little off lately. She knew Rina would continue to insist that she would be fine alone, but Haruna really would prefer it if Mami were to be here watching over her.

“I’ll be fine, Haru! I’m capable of taking care of myself,” Rina said with a small laugh to follow her words.

The brunette bent down, grabbing the knife she had dropped. As she pushed herself back up into a standing position, she could see clearly that Tomomi had tensed up, almost hiding behind Haruna at this point. Rina tossed the knife carelessly onto the counter. She found it interesting how Tomomi eased up once the knife was out of her hand again. She had really scared Tomomi.

“I guess it’s time to go then before we get any later. Let’s go, Timo.” Haruna gave Tomomi a quick yank, forcing her to stumble a bit as the older brunette pulled the couple out of the kitchen.

“Hey! I’m supposed to be taking you out tonight, not the other way around!” Tomomi whined to her girlfriend as she got drug along. Rina couldn’t hear what response Haruna had given Tomomi, but she did hear the laugh that had followed it and the next set of protesting from Tomomi. She couldn’t really deny it, Haruna did seem really happy whenever Tomomi was around…

Rina didn’t make an effort to move, her body stayed frozen in place, her eyes staring off into the direction that the couple had left in. She could feel the fear slowly creeping into her body. This had happened only twice before. Once back at the café and once so many years ago. When it first happened, Rina thought it would be the only time. And for years, it was. The years ticked by and Rina never felt the haze return… Not until that day in the café.

Rina didn’t know what had come over her that day in the café. She didn’t why this – whatever this was – would come back all of a sudden and why it would make her hurt her friends. All she could remember was a fog clouding her mind and that was it. She didn’t ever remember moving to grab Haruna’s wrist and she didn’t remember holding it that tightly. She didn’t remember hearing or seeing anything. She didn’t hear anything until she had heard Mami shout her name.

Rina didn’t even know what had caused it the first time either. She’d never experienced anything like it before. That night, the only thing she could remember was Haruna coming to her house in the middle of the night in hysterics. She could remember listening to Haruna crying, doing her best to comfort the broken girl. After Haruna had fallen asleep that night, Rina had snuck out. She had good intentions; all she wanted to do was talk to him. She didn’t mean for it to take the turn that it did. When she saw him, she just got so angry. She remembered everything Haruna told her and she could feel herself slipping away from reality.

She didn’t mean to hurt him. Really she didn’t, it was an accident. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way. But Rina couldn’t truthfully say she felt much guilt over it. Sure, she felt a bit, but in the end, she didn’t feel too much of it. He deserved to pay for it. He broke Haruna’s heart; he shouldn’t get away with that. All Rina wanted was for him to pay for what he had done.

But it still scared her.

Rina knew that she didn’t want to hurt Tomomi… Or did she? No. S wasn’t like him. This was different… Tomomi was different. Tomomi was her friend. At least, she thought Tomomi was her friend. Now that Tomomi had stolen Haruna from her, she wasn’t so sure if Tomomi was a real friend or not. But that didn’t mean she wanted to hurt Tomomi. She would never do that. Maybe she was angry at Tomomi for stealing Haruna from her, but she wasn’t thinking about actually hurting her.

Rina could feel the tears begin to slip down her face as she leaned back against the counter, her hands tightly gripping her head. What was she thinking? Was she really thinking about whether she wanted to hurt Tomomi or not? She shouldn’t even be having trouble deciding the answer to that. Rina didn’t want any trouble and she didn’t want to hurt Tomomi. All she wanted was her Haruna back. She wanted things to return to how they were before. She didn’t want to lose Haruna.

She couldn’t go back to being without her.