If Jealousy Could Kill

Rina was growing more and more scared as the seconds ticked by. Haruna wasn’t responding. Rina knew that Haruna must love her back; she had seen it after all. So why wasn’t Haruna responding to her kisses? Why was Haruna standing there so still and stiff? Haruna had her back pressed against the wall, her hands limp by her sides and her breathing was stalled in her throat. She wasn’t responding to Rina’s kisses nor was she really responding to anything else at the moment.

The young brunette pinning her was getting desperate for a response though. She was getting desperate for Haruna to show her that she loved Rina back. The young girl brought a hand up to Haruna’s face, her fingertips running over the delicate skin on her cheeks. Rina caught Haruna off guard when she gingerly pushed her tongue into Haruna’s mouth, trying to deepen the kiss and get a reaction out of the older girl beneath her.

Rina did get a reaction, but not the one she had desired. When she deepened the kiss, she could feel Haruna’s body finally start to move. Haruna’s body squirmed a bit, her hands coming up in between the bodies of the two roommates. Before Rina could do anything else, Haruna had given her a rough push, forcing Rina to break the kiss.

The now hurt brunette kept her body close to Haruna’s, her scared brown irises staring into Haruna’s own. Rina moved her head forward in another attempt to kiss Haruna but the older girl turned her head away, easily dodging Rina’s kiss. The action had made tears come to Rina’s eyes. Haruna didn’t look back up at Rina; she kept her head turned away with her eyes half-lidded while she kept them focused on the floor.

“Why?” It was the only word Rina could muster up to ask. There was nothing else she could think of to say or do. This was not supposed to be happening. This was the opposite of what Rina had desired. Haruna was supposed to respond to her kiss. She was supposed to accept Rina’s love and return it, the two girls were supposed to be happy together.

But that didn’t seem to be what was happening here.

“Please get off of me,” Haruna told her in a voice just above a whisper. Rina didn’t move though. Her body stayed stiff as she kept herself close to Haruna. Why was Haruna saying these things? Why did she want her to get away from her? Rina didn’t understand it. She had been so sure of what Haruna’s feelings would be, and this is not what Rina had had in mind.

Haruna let out a soft sigh, her eyes glancing up at Rina. The younger girl needed to get off of her so they could talk. If Rina refused to do that willingly then Haruna would have no choice but to force her to do it. After a few more seconds without a response from Rina, Haruna raised her arms again and gave Rina another rough shove. Getting Rina away from her was for the better.

This time, Rina did get away from Haruna. The shove had forced her to stumble back, her arms leaving the older girl’s body. Rina managed to catch herself just before she would have fallen. She took a few steps back, her hands coming up to be held against her chest while her hurt eyes stared at Haruna. The older girl looked over at Rina, noticing how she resembled a hurt puppy. Haruna did feel guilty for shoving Rina like that but the younger girl had to get off of her, it was clear to Haruna that they needed to have a talk about what had been going on with Rina lately. Haruna couldn’t put it off any longer.

The problem was though that Haruna had no idea what to say. She knew what she needed to ask but her mind wouldn’t form actual words for her mouth to stay. She stood silently, still pressed against the wall as the two girls stared right at each other. She could see the way Rina’s feet shuffled beneath her, a sure sign that Rina was nervous.

“Didn’t you like my kiss?” Rina asked her softly. The younger brunette was only met with silence. Haruna let her head cast downward, her eyes becoming filled with tears of her own. She knew this was going to hurt both of them. How could this happen? When did this happen? Haruna had never even noticed Rina’s feelings growing for her.

“Rina…”

“Don’t you love me too, Haruna?” Rina was trying to make her voice sound so hopeful that it was like a knife cutting through Haruna. The eldest girl wanted to give Rina a yes for an answer, but she knew she couldn’t do that. She knew she couldn’t lie to Rina.

“I’m sorry, Rina…” Haruna began but let herself trail off. She let out a shaky breath, trying to will herself to continue, but Rina had spoken up before Haruna had been given the chance to continue.

“No… Please don’t say it…” Rina was scared. The tone… The words…. Nothing about the way Haruna was speaking sounded good to Rina. It all gave Rina a bad feeling, it all made her fear that her hopes for today weren’t going to come true.

“I don’t feel for you like that, Rina.”

Rina’s body froze, her eyes widening. Her breathing was becoming labored as she stared at Haruna, the first tears slipping down Rina’s cheeks. The words Haruna had just said rang loudly in Rina’s head, taunting and teasing her. The words ripped at her heart, clawing and tearing like an angry bear. She felt her knees begin to buckle underneath her, threatening to give out as the tears kept falling.

So this is what it felt like to have your heart broken.

The broken brunette didn’t want to believe Haruna’s words. She didn’t want to listen to them; she didn’t want to accept them. They had to be a lie. Rina had seen the way Haruna felt for her, she was positive that Haruna loved her back… This had to be Tomomi’s fault. Tomomi was messing with Haruna’s mind, she was convincing her to say these things. Rina just had to remind Haruna of her feelings; she had to steal Haruna’s affections back.

“Rina, I do love you,” Haruna began as she approached the crying girl. The guilt was tearing at Haruna’s body, she hadn’t meant for things to go this way. She didn’t even truly know what was going on right now. Everything was hitting her all at once like a train. It was catching her off guard and her mind was having trouble keeping up.

How could this even be possible? Haruna and Rina were inseparable sisters; they knew everything about each other. Sometimes, it felt like the girls knew each other better than they knew themselves. So how was it possible that Haruna had missed this? Had she really been such a terrible friend to Rina that she hadn’t noticed Rina’s feelings growing from friendship to love? All this time – all these years – Haruna had just assumed that Rina looked at her as a sister, just like Haruna looked at Rina.

“Please don’t doubt that I love you… I just don’t love you how you want me to. I love you like a sister, and you are my sister. You’re my baby sister and I want to protect you. I would be willing to do anything to make you happy but this… This is something I can’t do. I don’t share your feelings.”

That was enough for Rina. She couldn’t take it anymore. Rina felt her knees give out on her, her body falling to her very knees and her hands coming up to cover her face as her body was wracked by her sobs. With every word that Haruna spoke – every sentence she uttered – it felt like another knife was stabbed into Rina’s heart, further tearing apart her already fragile being.

Why was this happening? Everything had been going perfectly before. The two girls were happy together and they loved each other. Rina couldn’t believe that Haruna had never loved her romantically. She had to have at some point; why else would she hug and kiss on her all the time?

“Rina…” Haruna took a few more careful footsteps towards Rina.

“Why?” Rina choked out her question again through her sobs. “Why would you kiss me and hug me all the time if you never loved me?”

Haruna’s body froze and her footsteps stopped immediately. Her breathing halted as the words repeated themselves in her head… Was that it? Had she really been leading Rina on this entire time without ever knowing it? Haruna had never meant for Rina to take her affections romantically. She had always just meant it as a sisterly love. She would kiss Rina’s forehead lovingly as an older sister would to her younger sister. She would cuddle with Rina to make her feel better. Haruna never could have imagined that Rina was seeing all that romantically. That thought had never once crossed her mind – not until now.

“I didn’t think you’d see that as romantic, Rina. I only meant it as your older sister. I only wanted to make you feel better. I… I’m sorry.”

Everything Rina knew was a lie. Everything she had felt and everything she had seen… Was it nothing more than a lie? Was it all in her head? It couldn’t have been all in her head. It felt too real to just be in her head. She knew what she had seen in Haruna’s feelings and she knew that she’d seen true love in them.

“Please, Rina… Tell me what I can do. I want to make you feel better; I want to fix what I did. I never meant to lead you on. If I had known that this was how you were feeling, I would have stopped a long time ago. I will stop, Rina. I won’t touch you like again; I don’t want to keep leading you on and hurting you.”

“No!” Rina shouted, pushing herself up onto her wobbly legs. She had shouted impulsively but she couldn’t control it. Just the thought of Haruna never kissing her again or holding her again was too much for her to bear. Even if Haruna really didn’t love her, Rina still wanted the affections to continue. She needed Haruna’s affections; she couldn’t even imagine living without them ever again. “I want you to continue.”

“I can’t do that, Rina. Not if it’s going to hurt you. I’ve been selfish, I know. I didn’t pay enough attention to how you were feeling, I’ve been so stupid. But I’ll make it up to you; you just have to tell me how.”

“Love me back…” Haruna could feel the first tears slip down her own cheeks now. Rina’s words sounded so desperate and hurt. All this time, Haruna thought she had known Rina’s feelings but it turns out, Haruna hadn’t been paying enough attention to Rina. If she had been paying enough attention, she would have seen this and the two roommates might have been able to avoid this moment.

“I can’t do that… I’m sorry. I love you as a sister, Rina. Tomomi is the one--”

“Don’t mention her name!” Rina shouted suddenly, catching Haruna off guard. The older brunette couldn’t ignore the way Rina’s eyes seemed to darken behind the tears at the mention of Tomomi’s name.

“What’s wrong?” Rina could feel something snap inside of her at the question. Haruna was really asking that right now. She really didn’t seem to know why hearing Tomomi’s name was so upsetting to Rina. It was infuriating to Rina. The hurt she felt was mixing with the anger she could feel brewing inside of her.

“It’s always about Tomomi,” Rina said lowly. She could feel her pain slowly becoming replaced with anger as a sensation that was becoming all too familiar slowly began to creep up on her again. Haruna wasn’t understanding this. She was so blinded by Tomomi that she simply didn’t seem to be understanding Rina.

“That’s not true, Rina.”

“Yes it is!” Rina shouted. “You’re always thinking about her and you’re always around her. Ever since she came around, she is all you can think about. Think about it, Haruna. When was the last time we spent any real time alone without her or someone else around?”

Haruna wanted to give a comeback to Rina’s words but when she really thought about it, she realized how true Rina’s words were. Thinking back on the weeks since she and Tomomi had been dating, the two roommates had spent a lot less time together. Haruna had never blamed her relationship with Tomomi for it though; she had always just assumed it was because the girls were getting busier with their lives. Even now, she didn’t want to blame her relationship with Tomomi for the lack of time but she couldn’t deny that the two girls hadn’t spent much time together lately. She had no idea it had hurt Rina so much.

“You’re so wrapped up in her that you haven’t considered anyone else. When was the last time you actually thought about me? When was the last time you were concerned? Have you even thought about how I might be feeling? Of course you haven’t! You’re never concerned anymore. You’re never even around anymore. You always promised me that we’d be together forever but you’re not there anymore. You’re always gone or too preoccupied with Tomomi to care about anyone else.”

“Rina… I… I…” Haruna didn’t know what to say. She could only hang her head in shame at Rina’s words. She truly was a horrible friend if she had managed to make Rina feel like this within a few weeks. Haruna had never intended for this to happen. She knew she was spending an increasing amount of time with Tomomi, but she also thought that she was balancing her time with Tomomi and Rina just fine.

“I’ve been desperate for your attention, Haruna. I’ve been practically begging you to come back but all you can do is ignore me!” The tears were coming back to Rina, falling free again as she raised her injured hand, her next words leaving her mouth without her thinking about them first. “I did this for you, Haruna. I did this just so you would pay a bit of attention to me again!”

Haruna’s heartbeat had grown to such a rapid pace that it was nearly deafening in her ears. The older girl walked a few steps closer to Rina, staring at her bandaged hand in disbelief. The past really was repeating itself. Rina had hurt herself on purpose again and just like last time, Haruna knew it was her fault Rina had done it.

“I just want my Haruna back. I want the girl who would pay attention to me. I want the girl who would put our relationship first above all else. I want the person who I meant something to and the person who wouldn’t break her promises.”

“You want to talk about broken promises?” Haruna asked softly, feeling the tears coming to her own eyes. Her footsteps stopped again, the two girls much closer now. They were nearly close enough that Haruna could reach out and smack Rina if she wanted to. “Why don’t we talk about that cut then?”

“Haruna--”

“Wasn’t it you who promised me that you’d never hurt yourself again?” Haruna couldn’t control her tears. They flowed freely, falling from her face and splashing onto the carpet. How could Rina do this? What happened to the promise that the two girls had made? What happened to always trusting in each other? Rina was so busy tearing into Haruna that she wasn’t looking at her own issues. “You broke your promise to me, Rina. You’re the one who seems like she doesn’t care!”

“This wouldn’t have happened if you would stop falling all over Tomomi all the time!”

“Stop blaming Tomomi. This isn’t her fault.”

“Yes it is! We were fine until she came along.” Rina turned her back to Haruna, wrapping her arms around her thin frame. Her body shook from the sobs, a small whimper or hiccup escaping her every now and again. Rina was surprised she could still cry. She felt so exhausted and dehydrated, she felt like she was ready to pass out.

“Rina, please listen to me.” Haruna reached out and grabbed onto one of Rina’s arms before continuing. “I never loved you romantically. You’ve misunderstood my actions. All of those kisses and cuddles were meant sisterly and that’s it. I just wanted to be the big sister you deserved to have. I never meant for this to happen. Why can’t we forget this and go back to how we were?”

“Forget what?!” Rina shouted. She whipped her body around, tearing her arm from Haruna’s grasp in the process. Rina’s eyes were darkened, catching Haruna off guard. The older girl took a few steps back, beginning to feel scared of the aura radiating off of Rina. “Forget my love for you? Forget everything you’ve done? I don’t want to forget, Haruna! I just want you to love me back.”

“I can’t do that.” Haruna felt like they were going in circles; and the girls might very well be just going in circles. Haruna wasn’t getting through to Rina. If anything, it looked like her words were just making things worse. She couldn’t lie to Rina though, the young girl deserved to know the truth. Lying would only further hurt her.

“Just get out,” Rina said lowly. She turned her back to Haruna once more, her shaky legs carrying her over to her end table. Rina was growing scared again, but for a different reason now. She could feel her control slipping and she was scared to have Haruna standing there. She didn’t want to end up hurting Haruna again.

Haruna sighed from behind her, rubbing the back of her neck before taking a few careful steps towards Rina. Rina scared her. Haruna couldn’t explain it but there seemed to be such darkness about Rina right now. The innocent girl seemed almost dangerous now. She knew Rina was hurting and now Haruna was getting a bit scared about Rina doing something else drastic like she had last night.

She had seen this side of Rina times before when they were teenagers, but she had always brushed it off. It seemed so rare and minimal, Haruna always thought it was something she could help Rina get through but now she was second guessing that. She could see that she’d made a mistake in thinking she could help Rina on her own. Rina did need help, but it was help Haruna probably couldn’t offer her.

“I don’t want to leave…”

“Get out!” Rina shouted, her hands coming up to cover her ears. Haruna needed to leave. Her words were hurting Rina, the younger brunette couldn’t take it anymore. Haruna’s words were only worsening the problems. She wasn’t going to be able to control herself for much longer if Haruna kept speaking such nonsense.

Haruna wanted to speak up again but she knew better. Rina just needed to cool down. That was it. Once Rina’s emotions cooled down a bit, the two girls could talk again and sort this out. She could get to the bottom of Rina’s strange behaviors and try to get her the help she needed. With heavy heart, Haruna turned and made her way slowly out of the room.

She closed the door behind her, wiping her eyes of the tears. Walking back to her room, Haruna’s mind thought back to all that had happened recently. This was why she avoided love all these years, it always caused nothing but problem after problem. Rina and Haruna were fighting because Haruna had fallen in love. They wouldn’t be fighting if she had stayed away from Tomomi and kept to herself.

But Haruna didn’t regret her relationship and she didn’t want it to end. For once, she felt happy in a relationship. She felt loved and cared for, she could see a future for her and Tomomi. She could see a future she had never been able to see before. Tomomi had turned Haruna’s world upside and made her feel things she had hid and ran from for years.

It felt nice for Haruna to finally open up to someone – to finally let someone in. She had spent years chasing an endless amount of flings just to satisfy her needs, never letting herself spend enough time with them to fall in love. But her love for Tomomi had caught her off guard and for the first time, she hadn’t wanted to fight it. She let herself fall hard and quickly for Tomomi, never bothering to even try to stop her feelings.

She didn’t want to give up her relationship with Tomomi and she did want to regret it. She didn’t want to see it as a bad thing but she also didn’t want to keep hurting Rina. There had to be a way for her to keep her love with Tomomi but also to make sure Rina was taken care of. She needed help to do that. Someone had to be able to help them….

“Miyuki!” The name popped into Haruna’s mind instantly at the thoughts. In the heat of the moment, she had forgotten all about Rina’s girlfriend. She could help. If someone could help talk some sense into Rina, her girlfriend was about as good an option as any. But she didn’t know Miyuki’s phone number; that could create a problem.

Haruna made her way into her bedroom quickly. She grabbed her cellphone and dialed the number of a familiar blonde.

***

Mami sat herself back in the chair, her hand spinning the small key ring around her finger while her other hand gripped the plastic cup tightly. Sitting across from her, Miyuki was messing with something she had recently bought and couldn’t figure out how to put together. Mami could help her, but the blonde was having more fun watching her try to do it herself. Miyuki’s facial expressions were highly amusing to Mami.

“This damn thing,” Miyuki grumbled. She let out a huff, throwing the object down to the table, which only made Mami laugh. The black haired woman looked up at her friend, glaring at her. “Something funny over there?”

“Oh nothing at all,” Mami said before she took a sip of her drink. She lowered in again, preparing to speak when she was interrupted by her cellphone. She sat the drink down before fishing out her cellphone and raising an eyebrow at the name on the caller I.D. “What’s up, small fry?” Mami asked when she answered.

“I’m not in the mood, Mami. Just give me Miyuki’s phone number.” Haruna’s tone was as hard and rough as it ever was but this time, Mami could hear an underlying tone of worry. She was rushing her words and she couldn’t hide the worry that laced them. It worried Mami. She had heard from Tomomi was had happened to Rina last night and now that Haruna was calling her like this the next day, it worried Mami.

“Is something wrong, Haru?” Mami paused momentarily to look over at Miyuki. She could see the older woman staring at her, clearly listening intently to what little she could hear of the phone call. “Why do you need her number?”

“Something is wrong with Rina. I’m scared for her, Mami; it’s just like all those years ago.” Mami’s body froze, remembering the times when they were teenagers. She had been sure that part of Rina had been tamed and disappeared. She had been sure it was just a phase for her teenage years. “I need someone to talk to her and I thought maybe Miyuki could help with that. She is Rina’s girlfriend after all.”

“I don’t understand, Haru. You’ve never needed help calming down Rina before, why is it different now?” Mami knew something was up but she didn’t know what. She wanted to know though before she sent Miyuki over there. The way Haruna hesitated to answer wasn’t helping Mami’s bad feeling the older girl’s words had given her.

“Rina told me something and I don’t know how to help her this time.” Those words were all it took for Mami. All at once, she realized what must have happened between Rina and Haruna. There had to be only one thing that could make it hard for Haruna to help Rina with.

“Okay, okay, Haruna. Just stay calm, Miyuki’s with me now so I’ll send her over. She’ll be there soon,” Mami told her. She could hear Haruna give a sigh of relief before agreeing. The two girls said their goodbyes before hanging up. Mami looked over at Miyuki to see her continuing to stare.

“Should I ask?” Miyuki asked. Mami sighed softly, leaning her head back against the back of the chair. Just what was going on with those two?

“Haruna needs your help with Rina…. I think she finally found out about Rina’s true feelings.” Mami glanced at Miyuki to see an unknown expression on her face.

“I guess I should assume that it didn’t go over well?”

“It doesn’t sound like it,” Mami admitted. “Haruna thinks you can help calm Rina down so she wants you to go talk to her.”

“Why don’t you come with me?” Mami chuckled softly at her suggestion. She was still pushing Mami into pursuing Rina but Mami still didn’t know if it was right. She didn’t want to cause any strife in her friendship with Rina.

“You’re her girlfriend--”

“Fake girlfriend, Mami. Don’t forget,” Miyuki interjected. “Haruna wants me because she still believes Rina and I are a real thing. She thinks Rina will listen to me as my girlfriend, but do you think Rina really will? You know her better than I do. I’m not her real girlfriend, she’s just using me so what chance do I have of actually talking some sense into her? You on the other hand are like a sister to her…. Maybe even more. You’ve got a better shot at it than I do.”

“Miyuki--”

“Come on, Mami. Face it, you’re closer to Rina. As much as I hate it, she cares more about the words that you say than the words that I say. If anyone should talk to her, it needs to be you.” Mami groaned loudly at Miyuki’s words, her head falling back again. She wasn’t going to quit with this, was she?

“I just don’t understand, Miyuki. If you want Rina, why are you pushing me so hard to pursue her? Why give her up?” She heard Miyuki chuckle softly, prompting her to look over at the older girl.

“Because you deserve happiness. Mami, I haven’t known you for as long as those two have and there’s still much I don’t know about you but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. You’re an open book, Mami. You’re predictable and you wear your heart on your sleeve. You’ve never let yourself have a chance at love and when you did have a chance, you gave it up for a friend. If there’s a chance that Rina could fall for you, why not take it? Besides, I could get any girl I want. You on the other hand…” Miyuki ended her rant with a smirk, satisfied when she heard Mami laugh softly. She thought that sarcastic comment might cheer up Mami a bit.

“You’ve got such a way with words,” Mami sighed out softly. Miyuki laughed again, leaning forward onto the table.

“So come with me? Let’s go find out what’s wrong with Rina together. One of us can help her, we’ll have a better shot at helping her if we both go,” Miyuki suggested. Mami took a deep breath before exhaling it shakily. Where was the harm? It’s not like this whole situation could get much worse.

“I’ll come with.”