If Jealousy Could Kill

“Miss Sasazaki? Miss Tachibana?”

The two women’s heads instantly perked up at the sound of their last names. They saw a kind nurse smiling at them. The two women pushed themselves out of the seats, quickly moving to stand closer to the nurse who held a clipboard against her chest.

“The doctor would like to see the two of you now, please follow me to his office.”

The nurse turned on her heels, beckoning for the two women to follow. Both of them nodded, following along immediately, not wanting to waste any time. Mami kept her hands inside the pockets of her sweater, her eyes looking around the dreary white halls of the hospital. Miyuki followed close behind her, her arms by her side and she kept her eyes forward. She didn’t really want to look at any of the patients; Miyuki was not a fan of any kind of hospital. She had too many memories involving these places, most of them note being good ones.

The nurse led them only a little ways more down the hallway before stopping outside of a door. She knocked on it promptly and the three women could hear a muffled ‘come in’. The nurse obeyed, opening the door and poking her head inside. The doctor looked up when he saw her, waiting for her to speak.

“The temporary caretakers for Suzuki are here to see you,” she said politely.

“Let them in please, Shizuka.” The nurse nodded before opening up the door all the way. She stood with her back to the door, silently motioning for the two visitors to make their way in.

Both of them did just that and they could hear the nurse close the door behind them. The doctor silently motioned to the two seats in front of him. Hesitant at first, the two women made their way over to the seats, sitting down awkwardly and waiting for the doctor to speak. Neither of them had ever been in a hospital like this, they didn’t know what to do here.

“Before we begin, I want to make sure you understand that you two are temporary caretakers. It is only in time of emergency. Once we contact her immediate family, they will become the caretakers unless they sign over rights to you two, is this understood?”

“Yes, sensei,” Miyuki replied.

“But… I don’t think you’ll be getting much out of Rina’s parents or siblings,” Mami interjected. The doctor raised an eyebrow at Mami’s statement.

“What do you mean by that, Miss…?”

“Sasazaki. Sasazaki Mami,” Mami introduced herself. The doctor nodded and Mami continued. “When Rina was younger, she was a bit of a troubled student. In school, she always struggled with her grades. Even if Haru and I tried to tutor her, she could never pull her grades very high. Her mother and she would always fight about it, her mother never was happy about her performance in school.” The doctor nodded, quickly writing something down onto his pad of paper.

“Is that the only reason Suzuki doesn’t get along with her family?” Mami gulped and paused. That wasn’t the only reason at all, but Mami had never felt comfortable speaking of it. She had to remind herself though that these people were here to help Rina. They weren’t going to judge or hurt her for her past; they were going to help her.... Mami hoped at least.

“Rina also had some…issues as a teenager.”

“Issues? Please do elaborate, Miss Sasazaki.”

“When Rina was a teenager, she had a bad temper. It was very hard to set her off but when you did, she really went off. The thing is though that Rina never remembers it. She doesn’t even remember losing her memory. It’s as if none of it ever happened in her mind. This all stopped after high school though. She controlled her temper a lot better and the violent outbursts stopped.”

“Repressed memory,” the doctor murmured, nodding his head.

“What was that?”

“Repressed memory,” the doctor spoke louder now, “I believe your friend is repressing these memories.”

“What… What does that mean?” Miyuki asked. The doctor cleared his throat, jotting something down on his paper before setting his pen down.

“It’s a defense mechanism for our minds. When something is particularly painful, our psyche might not be able to handle it so it represses the memory. I believe this is what is happening to Rina in these instants. She does not remember them because her mind has completely repressed them.”

“Is there any way for her to regain them?” Mami asked.

“There are therapists who specialize in repressed memory therapy. However, I highly advise against this sort of therapy for Suzuki as it might only further damage an already fragile psyche for her. In the future, perhaps it could help her but for now, I don’t foresee it doing any good. As long as Suzuki stays in our facility, we will not be offering that treatment to her.”

“I understand, sensei. Is this all that’s wrong with Rina?”

“I’m afraid not, Miss Sasazaki. Your friend is very ill.”

“Can we ask what is wrong with her?” Miyuki asked this time. The doctor sighed softly at her question.

“It’s not custom to tell people who are not a patient’s immediate family… But you are her emergency caretakers. I cannot tell you a for sure diagnosis for her as well still have many examinations to do. I can only say what my hunch is from the hours we spent dealing with her earlier.”

“It’s fine. Please tell us,” Mami said. The doctor nodded before continuing his explanation.

“Have either of you ever heard of a fugue state?” The doctor paused to see that the two women shook his head. He expected that, most people hadn’t. “A fugue state is a state in which a person loses their memories. In severe cases, the person will not remember a single thing about themselves when they are in this state. It seems Rina does remember about herself, however, which makes me think she’s got a mild case. She acts as if she’s a completely different person though, as I’m assuming from your words that violent behavior is not the norm for Rina.”

“How does this differ from a repressed memory though?”

“It differs very highly, Miss Sasazaki. As I said, a repressed memory is when the psyche is too weak to handle the memory. A fugue state, however, is caused by multiple things. Much of the time, it is directly related to personality and mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. I don’t think Suzuki has either one of those which means it’s a psychiatric disorder on its own with her, something that is increasingly rare.”

“How was it caused?”

“I cannot answer that. A psychiatric fugue state can be caused by a multitude of things. Suzuki also seems to be suffering from delusions which I do think plays a part in the states she goes into when she’s upset.”

“D-delusions?” Miyuki stuttered out.

“Don’t fear it, Miss Tachibana. Delusions are not as dangerous as the people would like you to think. Suzuki’s are, for the most part, quite harmless… Except to her. They’re a danger to her but not much a danger to others. The thing is, Suzuki sees thing how she wishes to. It would appear to me that she creates an alternate reality when something is too painful for her psyche to endure. Before I go on, might I ask if something big changed for her?”

“What do you mean?” Mami asked.

“A catalyst of sorts. Something big enough that it could have triggered her meltdown and reawakened the disorders.” Miyuki furrowed her eyebrows together in thought but Mami only sucked in a sharp breath. She didn’t even need to think about it, she knew exactly what had set Rina off. It was something that seemed so simple but had ended up becoming so big.

“Haruna.”

“What was that, Mami?” Miyuki asked her, still confused.

“It was Haruna.”

“Who is Haruna? I heard that name a lot while we were treating Rina but I never got out of her who this woman is,” the doctor noted.

“Haruna Ono, she’s been Rina’s best friend since they were young children. They’ve always been together. When the three of us left for Tokyo together, Rina’s parents ended up cutting contact with her. They hated that she was moving to Tokyo and pursuing a career in music. For years, Haruna and I were the only ones Rina had. She didn’t associate with any other students at her university and she doesn’t get along with any of her co-workers. It’s just been the three of us… Until I introduced Tomomi.” Mami hung her head in shame. This really was all her fault.

“Let me ask you something really quick, Miss Sazaki. Ono… Would you say Suzuki’s feelings for her just friendship or something more?”

“Rina has always had a crush on Haruna, but I always thought it was a school girl crush. I never realized how deep it was until Haruna got a girlfriend.”

“And Haruna’s girlfriend is….?”

“Tomomi. Tomomi Ogawa.” The doctor nodded, continuing to scribble things onto his paper.

“And you introduced them.”

“….yes.” Mami’s response was quiet, she almost felt ashamed at having introduced them now.

“Do not blame yourself, Miss Sasazaki. You couldn’t have seen this coming,” the doctor said. He knew how Mami was feeling; many of families and friends blamed themselves for a loved one’s disorder. In many cases, they were to blame but he knew this was not that kind of case. “Now what did you mean by her feelings were deeper?”

“Sensei… Rina is practically obsessed with Haruna. I had never noticed it until recently, although I should have seen it long ago. Rina always wants to be around Haruna, she’s clings onto her. She can’t stand to be away from her.”

“Attachment issues as well, I see,” the doctor murmured to himself. The doctor cleared his throat before speaking. “These two women, they’re the stabbing victims, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And Rina committed the crime?”

“Yes…” The doctor sat back and nodded his head at Mami’s answer.

“So this is one of her delusions.”

“What does that mean, sensei?”

“As we were helping Suzuki, both I and the nurses noticed her mumbling something about Tomomi hurting Haruna. Based on what you just told me, I now believe this is one of her delusions. I believe Suzuki entered a fugue state when she attacked the couple, this would explain why Suzuki remembers nothing of attacking them. Blaming Tomomi might very well be a delusion, an alternate reality her mind is creating to fill up the void left by the state, but also because Suzuki does not want to admit that she hurt Haruna.”

“That’s quite an analysis,” Miyuki noted. It was surprising to the older woman. The doctor claimed to not be able to give them an solid diagnosis, and yet he had just presented that much information to Miyuki and Mami.

“I’ve been in this field for decades, I’ve learned all the ropes of psychiatry, Miss Tachibana. I’m able to see things in patients that younger practitioners would not be able to for multiple sessions,” the doctor assured her. “Thank you for speaking with me, this will all aid Suzuki’s treatment.”

“Can we…see her now?” Mami asked softly. The doctor gave her a sympathetic look before shaking his head.

“I apologize deeply, Miss Sasazaki, but I’m afraid we cannot allow you to see Suzuki as we initially agreed upon. We were unable to calm her down with words so we were forced to resort to sedation. She will be out for the remainder of the night. You may come visit her tomorrow at the scheduled times,” the doctor explained. He quickly fished a small packet out of his desk drawing, extending it to Mami.

“What is this?” Mami asked as she took the packet.

“It’s an information packet; it will tell you all you need to know about Suzuki’s stay here. In it you will also find the visitation times.”

“How long will Rina be here for?” Miyuki asked as Mami began skimming through the packet.

“Hopefully for as long as it takes for her to get better. Legally, we are only allowed to hold her under an emergency order for a few days. The initial stay lasts for three days and we can hold her for an additional fourteen if she’s deemed unstable enough. After that, we must petition a court and have Suzuki declare a danger to society by mental illness so she can stay with us. In Suzuki’s case, I do not think this will be a problem to accomplish. We cannot, however, guarantee that she won’t be charge for the assaults. That, in the end, will be up to the two victims to decide if they wish to press charges or not.”

“I see…” A silence overcame the trio of adults and the doctor cleared his throat, leaning back in his chair.

“I thank you for speaking with me today, Miss Sasazaki and Miss Tachibana. It was very appreciated and you have helped in Suzuki’s treatment greatly. For now, I think it may be best that we call it an evening. I will have my staff do their best to contact Suzuki’s parents and see what they wish to do about her caretakers. Until then, please go home and get some rest. I understand how hard this is for anyone, you may come back to check on Suzuki tomorrow.”

“Of course, sensei,” Miyuki replied. She pushed herself up to her feet and Mami followed her quickly, gripping the packet against her chest. The doctor bowed to the two young women, Miyuki returning the gesture but Mami too lost in her own thoughts to.

The blonde only looked up when she felt Miyuki place her hand on her lower back. The two girls connected eyes and Miyuki gave her a soft smile.

“Let’s go, Mami. You look exhausted,” Miyuki noted. Mami sighed softly before giving an equally soft agreement. She didn’t want to leave without first speaking with Rina but it would appear that she would not be given a choice in the matter.

The two girls said their final goodbyes to the doctor before making their way out of the office. They were led back to the front by the same nurse where they collected their belongings. The girls pulled on their shoes again, bowing to the nurses and reception staff before saying a goodbye and making their way out of the hospital.

As they walked out, Mami could feel a rush of cold air hit her as the night wind of Tokyo blew around the two girls. She hoisted her bag up farther on her shoulder and wrapped her arms around her torso. She was sad. It had been a while since she felt like this, it nearly a foreign feeling to her. She was used to being so bubbly and happy but right now, she couldn’t even pretend to be happy.

Three of her friends were in the hospital and it was all her fault. If she had never introduced Tomomi to any of them then none of this would have happened. But if she hadn’t… Then Haruna never would have been happy either. It was a losing situation no matter where Mami went. On one side, this could have been prevented if Mami hadn’t introduced them. On the other side, Mami knew that Haruna would still be living a closed off life if she hadn’t brought Tomomi into the jaded girl’s life. Did the good this had done outweigh the bad?

“Mami…” The blonde glanced over at Miyuki when she heard her name said. She could see the older woman was walking with her head down, equally as sad as Mami was. “You can stop blaming yourself for this at any time, you know.”

“How do you know I’m blaming myself?” Mami asked. Miyuki chuckled softly, shaking her head.

“For starters, your tone is a dead giveaway,” Miyuki noted to her. The older woman stopped which caused Mami to stop. She turned around to face the woman who was now behind her.

“Miyuki…”

“What Rina did is out of your control, you didn’t play a part in it. Don’t you think it would have happened anyway? Haruna probably would have continued dating even if she hadn’t met Tomomi. Eventually… Someone would have come along and set Rina off, it’s an inevitable thing that couldn’t be helped.”

“But I sped it up…”

“You also made them happier.” Mami scoffed, turning her vision away from Miyuki. “You couldn’t have foreseen this coming, no one could have. It was one of those freak accidents.”

“Their introduction was still my doing,” Mami said bitterly. She could hear Miyuki sigh before she felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around her body. Miyuki pulled Mami close to her, the shorter girl hugging Mami’s body against her own. Mami could feel her eyes watering. “I feel so guilty.”

“Well stop. It’s not your fault. It’s Rina’s; it was her decision to do this in the end. She would have done it regardless if Haruna had never met Tomomi; that was out of your control. Don’t blame yourself, your friends need you. You can’t be breaking apart on them now, can you?”

“I don’t want to fall apart…”

“Then don’t, Mami. You’re a strong girl and you can handle this; you can handle anything, but you’ve got to stop blaming yourself for everything.”

"Thank you, Miyuki." Mami finally returned Miyuki's embrace, wrapping her arms around the older girl's body. Miyuki patted Mami's back before pulling away from the hug.

"Now let's go back and see Tomomi, she could probably use some support."