If Jealousy Could Kill

“Here you go, sweetie.”

Rina didn’t bother to answer the nurse who had spoken to her in such a sickly sweet tone. Her body simply slinked into the dark and dreary room, her legs carrying over to the bed. She could hear the nurse sigh and mutter something under her breath. The young brunette sat herself down on the edge of the bed, refusing to look at the nurse. She hated the nurse. She hated all the staff here; they all treated her like she was crazy. But she wasn’t crazy; she knew she wasn’t. She didn’t belong here.

“You’re doing well so far, Suzuki dear. If you keep up the good behavior, we might let you out so you can socialize with the other patients,” the nurse told her. Rina nodded her head in response to the nurse’s words.

“Thank you,” she murmured softly. The nurse didn’t say another word to Rina. The young brunette only heard the door to her room shut and lock… Her room? It felt more like a jail cell to Rina. This place didn’t feel lock a hospital at all; what kind of hospital locked its patients away in their rooms?

Rina had only been in here two days but she had already learned to loathe it. She had no freedom; she had no choices. It was almost as if she wasn’t even a human anymore. She was just a prisoner – a crazy prisoner.

The broken girl let out a heavy sigh, collapsing back onto her bed. She moved herself onto her side facing the wall, curling herself up into a ball. She pulled her knees up to her chest, her chest rising and falling slowly while she held her hands against her chest.

Her mind thought back to her meeting with Mami only minutes before she had been escorted back to her room. The security guard had forced Mami to leave; he had insinuated that Rina was dangerous. Rina knew she wasn’t though. She couldn’t hurt Mami; she would never hurt any of her friends. She didn’t believe that she had hurt Tomomi or Haruna either but… The evidence did stack against her. Everyone, even Mami, was saying she did it so maybe…. Maybe she was capable of hurting Mami. Maybe she was dangerous.

She didn’t know anymore.

The words Mami had spoken just moments before that swirled around in her head as well. Rina, I love you. Why had Mami said that? Mami didn’t love her; Rina knew that she couldn’t. If Rina couldn’t get her one love to feel for her back, it didn’t seem possible that she could unknowingly get someone else to fall for her.

The blonde was only trying to be a good friend to Rina and make her feel better, but lying wouldn’t make Rina feel better. She couldn’t believe that Mami would ever love her. After all, Mami had never shown any romantic attraction to her before, so why start now? Feelings like that didn’t just develop all of a sudden.

Rina whimpered softly, her hands moving up to grip her aching head. Why was this all happening to her? Why couldn’t Rina be normal? Why couldn’t things work out for her? Everything was so confusing. She didn’t know how to make sense of anything that was happening to her.

She just wanted it all to stop.

***

Rina sat curled up in the corner of the pleather, teal colored couch. A small yawn left her lips as her tired eyes stared out at the rest of the Day Room. The brunette had barely any sleep last night, her mind wouldn’t calm for even a second.

Multiple patients sat scattered around the small space. Some watched TV, others played pointless board games, and more still bothered the nurses at their station. Rina sat alone though. She may have earned the privilege to come out of her room but that didn’t mean she wanted to associate with anyone else in here.

The brunette had finally been trusted enough to be let out to socialize but it didn’t matter to Rina either way. She didn’t want to be in here and she didn’t want to socialize with these people, all Rina wanted was to go home. She wanted to see Haruna again and she wanted to be far away from this place.

“Why are you all alone?”

Rina was broken from her thoughts, her tired eyes lifting themselves so she glanced at the woman standing in front of her. The woman looked to be only a bit older than Rina and was dressed in a similar way to Rina, the grey jacket and grey sweatpants hanging loosely off of her slim body. Her hair was an auburn color with speckles of blonde in it that reminded Rina so much of Mami.

The brunette watched silently as the young woman sat next to her, giving her a small smile. Rina shook her head, turning her attention away from the woman. She didn’t want to speak to her. Why couldn’t this woman take a hint and just leave her be? She was sitting alone for a reason.

“You know, it’ll be easier to get through your stay here if you find someone to talk to. Having a friend in here really does help out.”

“Why are you interested in talking to me?” Rina asked suddenly. She continued to refuse to look at the woman but she could hear her laugh softly.

“I just saw a young person sitting alone and I thought I’d come say hi.” Rina looked over at the woman but she stayed silent. The woman smiled at her again and continued her words, “so why are you in here? You’re pretty young to be locked up in one of these places.”

“I don’t really feel like that’s your concern,” Rina murmured softly. The woman chuckled and nodded her head, her eyes diverting to the ground. Her hands still laid on her lap, clasped together tightly.

“If I tell you why I’m here, will you humor me with your story? Story for story; seems like a good trade. Doesn’t it?” Rina glowered at the woman; was she really treating this like a joke? It couldn’t hurt though. Maybe finding someone to associate with while she was in here wouldn’t hurt.

“Okay…”

“I’m Schizophrenic.” The woman laughed bitterly after her words. “I’m sure you’ve heard the bullshit horror stories of Schizophrenics, no? I guess I’m a walking stereotype. I tried to hurt my girlfriend and she got me sent here.”

“Are you mad at her for it?”

“Of course not; she did the right thing. I stupidly stopped taking my medication and look where it landed the two of us. I deserve to be in here, for her sake. I want to go home to her but I don’t want to hurt her again, you know? I’ll stay in here until I’m able to go home to her.” Rina nodded her head thoughtfully, a feeling beginning to pull at her heart. This woman sounded so content being locked up as if she were a criminal, she was so accepting of it. “Now, you know my story. So tell me yours.”

“I guess I did make that promise,” Rina murmured with a smile. She brushed some locks behind her ear, focusing her eyes on the tiled floor as she spoke. “They say I hurt my best friend and her girlfriend. That’s why I’m here.”

“They say? Does that mean you didn’t do it?” Rina’s body tensed from the woman’s words. Did she? Did she not? Rina didn’t know how to answer. She couldn’t remember it and didn’t think she was capable of it, but everyone else keep saying she did. Even Mami had said it. If even her closest friends were turning against her then Rina thought that there had to be at least a little truth to the words.

“I…. I don’t know. I don’t remember hurting them but everyone…. Everyone keeps saying I did it.”

“Ah. So you’re one of those patients, are you?” Rina looked back over at the smiling woman with her eyebrows furrowed. She didn’t really care for the tone the woman had said that in.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Rina asked softly, the offense she felt clear in her tone. The woman laughed at the way Rina had reacted, leaning herself back against the pleather couch. She laid her hands behind her head, her body slipping down and her eyes up towards the ceiling.

“There are two types of patients, kid. Self-aware and ones like you.” Rina pursed her lips at the woman’s use of the term ‘kid’. This woman couldn’t be too much older than her; she didn’t have a right to address Rina like that.

“What’s the difference?”

“People like me are self-aware; we know why we’re in here and for the most part, we’re in control of ourselves. People like you aren’t. You’ve probably been told why you’re here but you don’t remember what you did to get sent here… You’ll probably be here for a long time.”

“Excuse me?” This is why Rina didn’t want to talk to any of these people. She knew she wouldn’t get along with any of them.

“Don’t get offended, kid, it’s the honest truth. These places aren’t going to let you out if you can’t remember what you did wrong; that doesn’t exactly say mentally healthy, now does it?” Rina huffed and looked down. As much as she hated it, she knew this woman was right. If Rina couldn’t remember what had happened that day, what were the chances of her being let out soon?

“I want to go home…” Rina hadn’t meant for her voice to break the way it did but she hadn’t been able to control it, her emotions shined through in her tone. From beside her, the woman felt sympathetic for her. It was clear to her that it was this kid’s first time in a place like this, and the first stay was always the hardest.

“Then keep trying to get better. Accept the treatment and keep working with it; eventually you will get better. I suppose you could fake it but what good would that do?”

“Fake it? What is that supposed to mean?” Rina looked back over at her, the confusion in her eyes. The woman was looking away from her now, a sly smile on her face.

“That’s the advice some people will give you. If you can fake it and convince the staff that you’re better, they’ll let you out in no time. I think that’s bullshit though. So you got out but you’re still sick. You’re still running the chances of hurting the people you love again. Why not just stay and get better for real and save yourself and your loved ones the troubles? But eh, what do I know? I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m just batshit insane.”

“I don’t want to hurt them again,” Rina said weakly. Her hands picked at her clothing and she sighed softly. Was she that dangerous? She didn’t want to belong in here but she was getting the sinking suspicion that she did.

“Let me ask you…?”

“Suzuki. Suzuki Rina,” Rina introduced herself.

“Nice to meet you, Suzuki. The name is Moto Kaede; I prefer Kaede. No formalities here.”

“Then just call me Rina.” Kaede laughed softly at Rina’s comeback, she was quite the interesting person. It usually always was the young ones that were the most interesting. “Now what did you want to ask me? Besides my name.”

“Oh, right. Answer me honestly… Do you think you hurt those people?” Rina’s body tensed again, her hands gripping the excess material of her sweatpants.

“Everyone keeps telling me that--”

“Forget what everyone tells you,” Kaede interrupted, “what do you feel? Do you think you harmed these girls? People could be lying to you, wanting you to take the fall for it. What you feel inside should be most important.”

“I don’t know,” Rina responded with a shake of her head. She wanted to keep saying that she didn’t do it. She didn’t do it. But deep down, in the recesses of her heart, she could feel a voice nagging at her. A voice that told her she did do it; a voice that accused her of an unspeakable crime. In her heart, much like when Rina had the encounter with Haruna’s ex, Rina could feel that she was responsible for it even if she couldn’t remember it.

“You’re an interesting girl,” Kaede said with a laugh. Rina wasn’t able to respond before a nurse interrupted the going ons of the Day Room.

“It’s time for lunch. Those of you able, come with me. The rest of you sit back tightly and wait a moment.”

“Guess we can sit back and relax for a bit… I’m just assuming you’ve not earned the privilege of going to the cafeteria, huh?” Kaede asked. Rina nodded her head, confirming Kaede’s words. She had barely been let out of her room today; she knew it would take longer for them to let her out of this ward for anything.

***

“Your visitor is in here, Suzuki. You remember the rules, correct?” The nurse asked Rina. The brunette nodded her head without a word, which pleased the nurse. Hours had passed since Rina’s encounter with Kaede. After lunch, Rina had promptly returned to her room, claiming she wasn’t feeling well. In a way, Rina wasn’t. She was hurt and upset; she only wanted to be alone.

But now she couldn’t be and now, she also didn’t mind not being alone this time. The nurses had come and talked to her about having a visitor, asking her if she wouldn’t mind coming out to talk to them. Rina had eagerly agreed to it. After yesterday, she didn’t know why she was so excited. What if Mami was going to drop another confession onto her? Rina didn’t even know if Mami was the one waiting for her though.

“All right, come on in then,” the nurse said. She unlocked the door pushing it open and standing off to the side. Rina walked past the nurse and into the room, her feet stopping when she saw the black haired woman sitting at the table. The woman turned around, having heard the noises behind her, and her eyes lit up when she saw Rina.

“Good evening, Rina. I’m glad to see you.”

“Miyuki…” Rina said softly. She looked down, her hands starting to pick at each other. The last person she thought she would see was Miyuki; she didn’t count on Miyuki caring enough to come visit her at a place like this.

Rina could hear the door close behind her and she took that as a sign to go sit down. Her feet carried her forward and passed the security guard she was getting so used to seeing. Even if she was getting used to seeing him, it still didn’t sit well with her. It was still another telling of how ‘dangerous’ this hospital saw her as.

The quiet brunette sat down at the table across from Miyuki, her eyes looking anywhere but at the woman in front of her. The room the two women sat in was almost exactly like the one Mami had met with Rina in yesterday; the hospital didn’t seem to have a lot of different scenery.

“How are you doing, Rina?” Miyuki asked, deciding that she needed to initiate a conversation if she wanted this visitation to go anywhere. Rina finally looked at Miyuki and their eyes met. The brunette looked away almost immediately, unable to look Miyuki in the eyes.

“I’m okay,” Rina answered. Miyuki smiled but a sad look was held in her eyes. She may not have known Rina for too long before this but she had become attached. Rina was such a sweet person that anyone would become attached to her; she didn’t know how anyone could hate Rina.

That was why this shocked Miyuki so much. She had never imagined that Rina could be capable of this. From the first day she had met Rina, the brunette was practically like a child in mentality and innocence. She was a lost child led astray and Miyuki now knew that she had only further led Rina astray. Perhaps if she hadn’t helped Rina chase a lost love, this could have been prevented.

“I’m glad…” Miyuki really didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing and set Rina off. Mami had it easy, she had known Rina for years, she knew what to expect. Miyuki had only known Rina for a few weeks, she had no idea what to expect. “Oh yeah! I talked with Mami earlier. She wanted me to tell you that she’s sorry she couldn’t come today but she had work. She would make sure to visit you tomorrow.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Rina murmured. Miyuki cleared her throat, preparing to launch into a long awaited subject. The two girls didn’t have all that much time to visit one another and Miyuki wanted to make most of the time that the two of them did have.

“Mami told me she came to see you yesterday.”

“Did she?”

“She did. And… She told me that she finally confessed her feelings to you.” Rina looked back over at Miyuki, a darkened look in her eyes. There was no way Mami could have even Miyuki in on this stupid lie of hers.

“Finally? What do you mean by finally?”

“Before I answer that, let me ask you a question… Did you believe Mami’s confession?” Rina was trying to find out what game Miyuki was playing and where she was getting at, but neither the woman’s expression nor her eyes gave away any answer.

“Of course not,” Rina responded finally.

“Why don’t you believe her? Mami has never given you a reason to not believe her, has she?” Rina bit down on her bottom lip, her eyes boring into Miyuki. She didn’t understand. They were confusing her…. Why didn’t she believe Mami? She had never thought about it like that before.

“If Mami was telling you the truth, why didn’t she tell me sooner?” Rina challenged Miyuki quietly. The older woman sighed softly.

“She was scared.”

“A lot of people are scared of me these days,” Rina murmured bitterly. Miyuki could feel the harsh way Rina had said those words and she could feel a sense of guilt wash over her. Maybe ‘scared’ wasn’t the best use of wording.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Rina. Mami wasn’t scared of you, she was scared of rejection.” Those words got Rina’s full attention.

“W-what?”

“Mami didn’t want to get hurt; she thought it would be better if she kept it a secret.”

“Why would she tell me now?” Rina was trying to find a hint of lying to Miyuki’s words. Rina didn’t want Mami to be telling the truth. Rina didn’t want anything getting worse.

“She thought it might help you if you knew. If you knew that someone close to you truly loved you and wanted you, she thought it might help you move on from Haruna,” Miyuki explained to her. Taking a deep breath, she continued, “I might have also convinced her to do it.”

“What?”

“Mami told me a long time ago that she was in love with you but she also confessed that she didn’t want to tell you. She thought that you were so in love Haruna that you would never love her back; she didn’t want to face the rejection.” Rina bowed her head again, her nails digging into her skin. She could feel the rough cuts of her nails beginning to break flesh from how hard she was grasping her own hand now. “So do you?”

“Do I what?” Rina’s voice was barely above a whisper now. She wasn’t very much enjoying this meeting with Miyuki. The older girl was simply rubbing in what Mami had begun yesterday.

“Do you love her back?” Rina gulped, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. Did she? She didn’t know. She spent so much time focusing on Haruna that she had never bothered to consider anyone else. Now that Haruna had made it crystal clear how much she didn’t want Rina… Rina didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to feel anymore.

“I don’t know,” Rina answered. It was the only answer Rina could think of to give; she had nothing else in her mind to give.

“Would you at least give her a chance then? She deserves it and so do you.” Even if Rina didn’t share Mami’s feelings, Miyuki wanted the brunette to give Mami a chance. If there was even a small chance that Mami could get Rina to fall in love with her then she wanted Rina to take that chance.

“I don’t know.” Rina couldn’t think of anything else. Even if she gave Mami a chance… Would she be able to do it? Or would she just get rejected again? Even more, she didn’t want to give up on Haruna. She knew Haruna had rejected her but there…. There had to be a way to convince her otherwise. There had to still be a way to get her from Tomomi.

“Just think about it, okay? Mami loves you a lot and who knows, maybe you could love her too. Love does grow in places where you would least expect it,” Miyuki told her. Rina sniffled softly, nodding her head.

Mami loved her. Haruna rejected her. Everything was turning backwards.