Best Friends Means I Pulled the Trigger

“Hey, Mom,” Elodie sang as she entered the hospital room. She quickly silenced herself when she noticed her mother’s sleeping form. Elodie placed the fresh flowers she had bought in the gift shop in the vase next to the bed.

“Todd will be up really soon,” she whispered, kissing her mom’s forehead as she fought back tears.

Elodie had dreaded the day when her mother would be bed-bound in a hospital. She knew her mom was tortured in her failing body, and there was nothing any oncologist could do about it. She hadn’t properly prepared herself for the day that had arrived a week ago when her mother wouldn’t awaken from her nightly sleep, and when she had, she was utterly exhausted and in a slight daze. What every one of her mother’s doctors had warned Elodie and her family about was now happening, and there was nothing for her to do but watch her mom go through the last stages of her life.

She sat down in the chair next to the TV and checked her phone as a distraction. Five missed calls from Alex and two texts caused her breath to quicken.

Elodie, please pick up the phone! I hope you’re okay... I called your dad and he said that your mom is so much worse, the first message read.

Ellie, I’ve always been here for you, why are you ignoring me??

Tears welled up in her eyes as she shut her phone and tightened her grasp around it. How could he be here for her now? Sure, he could offer some kind of bereavement advice, say that everything will be okay, but how could anyone recover from watching their mother die. How could he truly be there for her now?

Finally, after what felt like hours later, there was a soft knock on the door.

“Hey, Elle... How’s she doing?” Todd whispered as he entered the room quietly.

Elodie didn’t look up. She couldn’t bear the sadness that was ever-present in her brother’s eyes. “Not well.”

There was silence, and then she felt a sturdy arm wrap around her shoulders in a tight embrace. “Look Ellie, this is so fucking hard on all of us, but you can’t let this destroy you. You can’t let it get the best of you.”

“What are you talking about?” she muttered, tears rolling down her cheeks.

He didn’t speak, so she looked up.

“I know, Elodie,” he said quietly, his eyebrows furrowing together. “I know everything.”

Her heart immediately began racing as she ran through all of the terrible things that he could be talking about.

“You’re only sixteen, Ellie... How could you do this?”

“Todd, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said calmly.

He sighed angrily and replied, “Look, we’ll talk about it in the car - I’m sure Mom wouldn’t want to hear about your spending habits in her state.”

He got up and walked over to his mother, kissing her cheek gently.

“I love you, Mom,” he whispered forlornly, the constant pain in his chest increasing tenfold. “I really, really do.”

Elodie couldn’t even look at her now that her secret had been revealed, or rather, she couldn’t look at her now that she had been found out. She trudged behind her brother as they both left the hospital, the parking garage seeming even more eerie than usual. She was anxious to get in the car and extremely annoyed that her brother hardly spent time with their mother. He always just came, said hello, and left before he could get too emotional.

Todd slid into the driver’s seat, sighing as he placed both of his hands on the steering wheel. Elodie cautiously sat in the passenger’s seat, her heart racing as if she had just ran a mile.

“What are you thinking?” he said in disbelief. “Do you know what you’re doing to yourself? To this family? To your fucking band?!”

“Todd, it isn’t as bad as you think...” she quietly replied in defense. “Really, it’s just recreational.”

Todd laughed dryly. “Yeah, right. You really are stupid, you know that? You’re buying drugs from my best fucking friend, you don’t think he’s going to tell me everything?! I know you’ve been going to him every god damn week. I know that this isn’t about the weed anymore. My God, you’re just a kid...”

“You’re only a year older than me, Todd! What makes you so different,” she yelled, hot tears stinging her cheeks. “You’ve done it - I know you have!”

“There’s a difference between snorting fucking cocaine once a year and snorting it every week - hell, you probably do it everyday! You want to talk about recreation? I do it recreationally. You? You’re just a fucking junkie.”

She sat back in her seat, stunned. She couldn’t believe that her brother thought so lowly of her. The one person, beside Alex, who she trusted more than anyone now hated her. She knew he was wrong - she wasn’t a junkie, and she knew how to handle herself. Todd was Todd though, and once something was in his brain there was no explanation that could ever change it.

They sat in silence the entire ride home, silent tears running in a constant stream down Elodie’s face. She practically threw herself out of the car before Todd had even put it park once they reached home. She wrenched her cellphone out of her pocket and quickly dialed Alex’s number.

“Ellie?!” he exclaimed with relief. “Are you okay?”

“No,” she said quietly. “Can I come over there?”

“Yeah, of course! Ellie, what’s wro-” he said before being interrupted.

She didn’t even say goodbye - she just shut her phone, put it back in her pocket, and began walking down the street.

“Elodie, where the hell are you going?” Todd yelled from the driveway.

She didn’t respond, she just focused her mind on how cold the air was as it nipped at her cheeks and how comforting a hug from her best friend would be once she got to his house.

Elodie knew she was disappointing everyone with the choices she was making, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to care. Why should she? All she ever did in life was fail, and with her occasional dabble in drugs - okay, maybe a little less occasional than she’d like to admit - she felt... Normal. When she got invited to parties, no doubt because of Alex’s status in their school and the fact that they were both in bands, getting drunk and high as a goddamn kite made her feel invincible - happy, even! She never thought about how her mother would be dead in weeks or that her dad was so depressed that he wouldn’t leave his room or that her older brothers were being deployed soon or how much she was truly in love with her best friend. She never thought about the fact that her band hadn’t been signed yet as they had planned because of her and her flaky personality. So what if she was just junior in high school, what difference did it make?

All she could think about was how Todd could go shove it when she reached the front steps of Alex’s house. Whenever winter approached, she was thankful he only lived four streets away. Her hands were icicles as she reached for the doorknob, but the door swung open before she could even lay a finger on the icy metal.

“Elodie,” Alex sighed as he enveloped her in a warm hug. She relaxed into his embrace, butterflies erupting in her stomach as she deeply breathed in the scent of his long sleeve shirt.

“Get in here, it’s freezing,” he laughed, releasing his grip around her.

“You’re telling me...” she muttered.

She had been in such a state that she had forgotten her coat in the car, and she was now mentally kicking herself as she rubbed the sides of her arms furiously.

Alex took her by the hand and led her up to his room, a familiar route that she could probably walk with her eyes closed. She appreciated his home and his family more than anyone would ever know, and she wished more than anything that Alex would realize her appreciation for him went deeper than just an old friend.

She sat down on his unmade bed, taking his comforter and wrapping it around her entire body.

“What’s wrong,” he said softly as he laid down on the other side of her. She sat stiffly on the edge of the bed, not even moving to face him.

“Elodie, come on - please tell me!”

“Alex, it’s nothing new... What do you want me to say? My mom’s dying, she’s making absolutely no progress, and my family’s falling apart. Todd even hates my guts now.”

“Why does he hate your guts?”

She sighed, realizing that she could never tell her best friend the true reason Todd was so angry. “It’s nothing. We just a had a little fight in the car.”

She turned around and laid down beside him, spreading the comforter over the two of them.

He raised an eyebrow and replied, “About...?”

“It really was nothing, okay? Just sibling fighting.”

“Alright, then... Whatever you say,” he sighed, snuggling into her side.

She closed her eyes, her frazzled emotions being exacerbated by Alex’s proximity. She wanted to reach down, pull his face to hers, and kiss him passionately. She would rather kill herself though, than ruin the only true friendship she ever had beside her bandmates.

“Elodie, I know I’ve told you this a thousand times, but I mean it - what you’re going through now, I know exactly what it feels like. I know it’s different, since it’s your mom and it was my brother, but I watched my brother die, too. You were there for me through the whole thing! You’re the only one who watched the true tragedy my family had to suffer through and you supported me through it all. I’m here for you, too. I may not be much, but I’m here.”

Elodie’s eyes flooded with tears as she felt her last shred of self-control fly out the window. She sobbed into his chest and his grip tightened around her. She had never appreciated a person more in her life and she sobbed because she felt like her life was now ruined. Her mom, her beacon of hope and love, was practically dead.

She couldn’t help but feel slightly bitter toward her ailing mother. Everyone knew that breast cancer ran in her family, and she was angry that her mother was never more careful, that she hadn’t even bothered to go through any preventive measures to improve her chances of a living a normal life. If her mom had just paid attention to herself when she had the chance, her daughter wouldn’t be feeling as if her life was crashing before her very eyes.

Shut up, Elodie, she thought angrily. Do you know how selfish you sound?

She couldn’t quite bring herself to care, though. As her breathing leveled out and her eyelids grew heavy, Elodie knew she was fucked. She knew her family and her whole life was fucked and that there was no fixing it.

Her mom was fucked, and that was the last thing she thought of before she drifted off to sleep in Alex’s bedroom.

After what felt like minutes, Elodie startled awake when her shoulder was violently shaken.

“Elodie, you have to wake up,” Alex said desperately.

Her groggy eyes locked with his, his face ashen with alarm. Her gaze fell on the cell phone he had tightly pressed to his ear. He shoved it at her quickly, and she sat up as she pressed the device to her own ear, her heartbeat shooting to an unimaginable rate.

“Elodie?!” her eldest brother Mikey exclaimed in a panic. “You have to get to the hospital. Mom is... Mom’s... Just please find a way to the hospital. Now.”

The phone line went dead and she numbly put it down on the bed.

“Alex, my mom’s dead.”