Best Friends Means I Pulled the Trigger

“Elodie?” Alex said quietly as he pushed her bedroom door open. “You awake?”

As usual, he received no response. She was buried beneath a mountain of blankets, the TV casting an eerie glow on the dark room.

Alex walked over to the edge of her bed and sat down, placing a tulip in the vase on her night table. He had done the same thing every single day for a week, and every day Elodie just lay there, completely silent. He hoped that the flowers would make her happy when she saw them, but he wasn’t even sure if she noticed them the few times she ever got up.

It physically pained him to see his best friend in such turmoil. Sure, he had lost a close family member before, but he knew he was emotionally stronger than Elodie. He couldn’t even imagine the pain she was feeling, and it killed him that he couldn’t help her this time. He had lost his magic touch when it came to making Elodie happy.

He sighed and said, “Look, Elodie... I know you can hear me. I just want to talk to you, and I want you to talk to me - like we always used to.”

He received silence in response, so he continued, “I know that this isn’t easy, but I wish you’d let me help you... I wish you’d just... I don’t know. Ellie, I don’t know what to do anymore.”

A sudden wave of emotion swept over him as he sat there. He missed his best friend and all the fun times they had before her mom got sick. He missed his best friend when they were young and innocent. He missed his best friend before he fell in love with her and his feelings complicated his actions.

Everything was that much harder when all he felt for Elodie was love. He wanted nothing more than to tear that blanket away from her, take her face between his hands, and kiss her. He wanted to tell her that everything would be okay because he would take care of her, but he could never do that. He would never be there for her the way she truly needed someone to be there for her. She was so innocent and beautiful and he was nothing but a slightly cocky, sex-crazed teenager. She was an old soul and he was an immature child. He could never be with someone so above him and so in need of true love and care.

“What are you thinking about?” a hoarse voice asked from beside him.

He whipped around in shock, unsure of how long she had been watching him.

“Elodie,” he uttered in relief. “Hi.”

She just looked up at him with golden, hazel eyes, her face as beautiful as ever - at least to him. She looked totally exhausted, the darkest of dark circles painted under her eyes. Her skin was sallow and her hair looked as if it needed a good brushing. Alex didn’t care, though - just the sight of her, regardless of her current mental state, was enough to make him smile.

“Why aren’t you out with the band or your friends or something? It’s a Friday!” she said, attempting to sit up. She looked like she was moving in slow motion, clearly saddled with intense exhaustion.

Alex smiled softly and replied, “Because I wanted to see my best friend. I was hoping you’d actually talk to me this time.”

Her eyes welled up and she whispered, “I’m so sorry, Alex... I just... I don’t know how to do this - how to deal with all of this. It hurts so goddamn much.”

Alex sighed and crawled to the other side of her bed, resting his back against her headboard. She laid her head on his shoulder, pulling her blanket tighter around the both of them. He savored that moment as he held her in his arms, however cheesy that truly was.

“It’s never going to get easier, Ellie...” he said quietly. “You’re going to miss your mom like hell every single day, but you and I both know she wouldn’t want you to continue like this. You missed an entire week of school!

“I know,” she sighed. “Every day I keep telling myself I’ll go back to school tomorrow, but when tomorrow comes I just can’t bring myself to do it.”

“Seriously try considering going back on Monday. It won’t be as bad as you think it will be.”

She nodded absently, and Alex wasn’t sure if she really meant it or not.

“Elodie?”

“Yeah?”

He sighed before continuing, “I love you, and I know you can get through this. You just have to trust yourself. You have to trust me, because I know that you’re capable of pulling yourself through this.”

She looked up at him, and Alex watched as a beautiful smile stretched across her face. His stomach erupted into butterflies as he took in that rare sight, and he couldn’t help but kiss her on her forehead. That kiss was the closest he could ever get to the real thing, and he ached to just kiss her on her mouth.

“Alex, I really appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me. I don’t know where I’d be without you,” she whispered, leaning up and kissing him on the cheek. His eyes widened ever-so-slightly at the unexpected gesture.

“I really do feel bad that you wasted your Friday night on me...” she said with a sigh. “What were you really going to do?”

“I wasn’t really going to do anything. Marc’s throwing a party at his house, as usual, but I never planned on going to it because I wanted to see you!”

“You should go,” she said, her tone matter-of-fact. “You need to go do something fun.”

Alex laughed lightly and replied, “No, you need to do something fun, not me.”

He suddenly got an idea, one that he wouldn’t have recommended on any other occasion, since self-medication was something he detested. However, he figured that if Elodie needed to feel better for a moment, what better way to do so than get drunk? He felt bad even considering it, since it was completely illogical.

“Elodie, seriously - you should go with me tonight. I mean, if you really don’t want to, that’s obviously okay - I’ll stay here and spend the night with you. But I really think you’d have a lot of fun. You need that right now.”

“Alex, I can’t,” she said timidly.

“Yes, you can! Ellie, you need to get out of this goddamn house.”

“I’m just the weird kid to everyone else. And now that my mom died, they’ll have even more of a reason to think I’m crazy.”

“They don’t think you’re crazy, Elodie! Please, every single one of your friends will be there, and that’s all that matters. You won’t need to worry about any other ignorant bastard there. And you know Marc would love to have you, so please. Please come!”

She just stared at him, her expression apprehensive. He knew he had her - he knew she’d say yes now.

“I’ll pick you up in an hour, okay? I’m going to go home and shower. Please be ready by then, okay? I love you, Ellie - I promise you’ll have fun!”

He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead once more before hopping off the bed and exiting her room. He couldn’t believe that he had gotten her to agree, and he was beyond excited that they were doing something fun together for once.

When he pulled into his own driveway, he was confused to see Rian sitting in his car. Alex got out and rapped on the glass of Rian’s window, causing his phone to fly out of his hand in fear.

“What the hell?!” Rian exclaimed as he rolled down the window.

“I could say the same thing!” Alex laughed. “Why are you parked in front of my house?”

“I’ve been trying to call you all day! I wanted to talk to you, and I figured you had gone to Elodie’s.”

“Well, you were correct in that assumption! I’ve been there everyday, Ri.”

He laughed dryly and got out of the car. “Yeah, that’s why I wanted to talk to you. Can we go inside? It’s fucking freezing out here.”

Alex raised an eyebrow in question but led Rian into his house and up to his room.

“What do you have to talk to me about?” Alex asked warily as he took his jacket off.

Rian sighed reluctantly, as if what he was about to say was dangerous or upsetting.

“Look, dude... This whole Elodie thing? You need to get over her.”

Alex stopped moving, staring at Rian in pure bewilderment. “What are you talking about?”

“We all know you love her and blahblahblah, but you’re letting her mood get the best of you. You haven’t been Alex since her mom died! We’re just worried about you, that’s all.”

“I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine,” Alex replied tersely, looking at his hair in the mirror. He decided he wouldn’t shower after all, since he suddenly lost interest in the idea. “Really, I’m just trying to be there for my-”

“Your best friend, I get it,” Rian interrupted. “Alex, all I’m saying is that you have to do things for yourself. If you’re never going to pursue her as anything more than a friend, then you’re going to need to start putting some distance between the two of you.”

Alex sat down beside Rian on the edge of his bed and sighed. “I know... I just... I keep hoping that one day she’ll tell me she feels the same way about me, tell me that she’s been crazy about me this whole time. I just can’t stop caring about her as much as I do.”

“I just don’t understand why you don’t tell her all of this!”

“Because, Rian! Why would she want to be with me?! I’m just a fucking scumbag. She deserves so much more than me.”

Rian shook his head and laughed lightly. “I just don’t know why you torture yourself like this. Look, I just came over here hoping you’d go to this goddamn party tonight. And if you say no, I might just have to drag you kicking and screaming.”

Alex turned to Rian and smiled wryly. “Lucky for you, I am going. And guess who got Elodie to get out of bed and go, too?”

Rian sucked in a small breath of air and replied, “No way! That’s fantastic! All the guys are going to be relieved to see her! How’d you do it?”

“Yeah, so much for being set on me doing my own thing...” Alex said, raising an eyebrow. “I honestly have no idea, though...” he shrugged. “I’m just hoping it will make her feel somewhat normal, you know? So try to get her to have a good time.”

Rian nodded and pulled out his phone to alert the rest of the band that they’d have one more addition to the party. Alex smiled to himself, happy that Elodie would be back in action.

When nine o’clock rolled around, Alex eagerly entered Elodie’s house, the only sound coming from the TV in the den. Her father was no doubt asleep on the couch as he usually was, and Alex’s heart grew heavy at the thought of the pain Mr. Vernette was experiencing at the loss of his wife.

His thoughts were interrupted by descending footsteps, and Alex whirled around to lock eyes with Elodie. She was finally presentable after an entire week of lounging around in practically the same outfit. She looked simple and beautiful, and Alex held his breath as she walked up to him and wrapped her arms tightly around his torso.

“Please don’t leave me when we get there, though,” she whispered. “I can’t do this by myself.”

Alex sighed sadly and replied, “Of course, Ellie! I would never.”

He let her go and then gently grabbed her hand, leading her out to his car. When the couple arrived at Marc’s house, Alex felt slightly on edge with Elodie. He hoped that nothing would go awry, since he was banking on the fact that this would pull her out of her funk.

Elodie was bombarded with exuberant hello’s when they finally entered the house. She seemed at peace among her friends, and that was all Alex needed to see.

“Hey, man,” a voice called from behind him. Alex turned to find Luke, the guitarist of the band that Luke shared with Elodie and his friends, Ender. “How’d you get her here?”

He sounded relieved as he spoke, happy to see his friend anywhere but her own house.

Alex shrugged and replied, “I think she wanted to come to begin with. It didn’t take that much coaxing on my part.”

“Well, thanks,” Luke laughed. “I’m glad to see her here. You want a beer? I was just heading over to get one.”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

As Luke left to get him a beer, Alex glanced over at Elodie who seemed to be totally at ease as she spoke with her friend Jessie. Alex let out a small breath of air, thankful that all was going well. He didn’t even need to accompany Elodie like she had asked - she was totally fine.

Luke returned with his beer and Alex went about the night in an ordinary fashion, only checking up on Elodie a few times. He felt happier than he had in weeks, and this startled him. He didn’t want what Rian had told him earlier to be true, but now that he thought about it more, he realized that everything he did was influenced by Elodie. Every decision, every emotion, every day was made, felt, and experienced for Elodie. He didn’t even attempt to pursue any girls he ran into at Marc’s party.

When it was time to take Elodie home, Alex left his conversation with Marc in search of her.

“Jess, you were talking to her before - where the hell did she go?” Alex asked Jessie just as she had come in from the backyard.

He didn’t even need her to say anything - the goofy expression on her face told him that she was high and Elodie had been in the backyard with her.

Alex pushed past Jessie and walked to the corner of the yard where he found Elodie with Jack and some kid he didn’t recognize.

“Ellie, I’m going home now...” he said. “And I’m your ride, so...”

“Okay, okay,” Elodie sighed. “Whatever you say.”

She laughed at her own rhyme and then heaved herself off of the ground. She was obviously high, but she was even more obviously drunk.

“You’re my hero,” Elodie slurred as Alex led her to his car. “You’re always there for me, man.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Alex laughed.

He was nowhere near drunk, but as he drove back to Elodie’s house, he intensely wished he was. There was a pit deep in his stomach that was making him nauseous, and his urge to tell Elodie how much he loved her was beyond any other urge he ever had in his life.

“Ellie, wake up,” he said once he parked the car in front of her house. Her eyes opened the tiniest bit and she smiled peacefully at him.

“Alex, you’re too nice, you know that?” she said, putting her hand on his shoulder.

Alex didn’t even respond. He just got out of the car and opened Elodie’s door for her, helping her out.

It took a great deal of effort trying to get Elodie up to her room, since all she did was either stumble every two seconds or ask for something to eat. Alex just wanted her to go to sleep, so he guided her as resolutely as he could up the steps.

She slumped down on her bed and stared at the floor, tears welling in her eyes.

“Elodie, what’s wrong?” Alex asked, sitting beside her.

“Nothing,” she mumbled, trying to kick her shoes off.

Alex sighed and helped her, saying, “You can tell me anything, you know.”

She shook her head violently, wincing at the dizziness that ensued. “I can’t tell you this.”

“Tell me what?!”

She looked up at him, her face full of an emotion he had never seen her express toward him before. Even in her drunken state she took his breath away, and he couldn’t believe his eyes as she inched forward, as if to kiss him.

Before he could react, she crashed her lips down on his, hungrily kissing him. He couldn’t bring himself to pull away and he felt like he was on fire as her fingers laced themselves in his hair.

Finding enough mental strength, he pulled away and looked down at his sobbing best friend.

“You’ll never love me,” she muttered so quietly, he wasn’t even sure he heard her correctly.

She laid back against her pillows and Alex pulled her comforter up to her chin, kissing her on the forehead.

“If only you knew how much I loved you back,” he whispered, kissing her cheek and then the tip of her nose. His lips hovered over hers, but he got up when he realized she was already sleeping.

As he left her room and took one last look at her, he felt so terrible. Even though she was completely shitfaced, that kiss had been the best kiss Alex ever had in his life.