Heartache

People say life is hell. Some say hell itself comes from humanity; others say it comes from politics. I believe life is what we make of it. I knew that no matter how much I grieved, no matter how hard I cried, he wouldn’t be only mine. Loving him when he wasn’t even in love with me was a huge mistake. It is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world when you love someone but they don't love you back. It kind of makes you feel like a creepy loser.

I told myself that I didn’t care and that it was pointless, but in the end of the day, I couldn’t help but be hopelessly in love with him. Maybe in the future I’ll wonder why I gave a fuck about such a loser, but for now I’ll just keep hoping that either he’ll start to have feelings for me or just hope and pray that I can get over him. Neither of these are really going to happen though.

I put my trust and everything I have in love. I bet my sanity that my love would go on, and yet, I have never been so wrong. I was once betrayed by love but I moved on, knowing that I deserved better. The second time I was betrayed, I didn’t really care but this time… I was betrayed by the one I loved the most, the one who was going to be the father of my child.

I believed that we would love each other, seeking a way out together for every problem. And, I was once again, wrong. His eyes gave me serenity, his voice gave me peace. His hands gave me comfort and the kiss we shared, gave me heaven on earth. The warmth of our love kept me at bay. I loved him and still love him with all my heart. Deep within my subconsciousness, I was willing to do anything to be with him. And so on… I failed.

I tried to understand… I tried to be kind. I tried everything my heart told me to do. I believed that everything was going to be okay, that my dreams would come true. But they didn’t! I told myself I would fix this. I told myself a million times. All my attempts failed because the cancer had changed his brain and just like that everything went back to zero. I found my love and I tried to fight for it, but what did I do at the end?

“I gave up.” I broke my sanity and the one I once loved deeply, became a torture for my heart. Whether it was my fault or his, the result wouldremain the same. "I lost".

They say when you find your love, hold on tight to it. Maybe I held it too tight and when I lost the grip, I felt sorrow…the same sorrow that surrounds me every now and then, when my six year old child asks me, "mom, why did papa die?"

I knew the truth, I just refused to believe. He had cancer. I knew he was cheating. He wanted to live his life freely till he died, and I was afraid to take that away from him. That was the reason I never told him I was pregnant, that is 'till the day he died. That’s when I told him, and he left this world with a sad smile on his face as well as tears leaving his eyes.

In the end, it wasn’t that Holland didn’t love me, because he did. He was so afraid to leave this world that he often cried when we slept. I know it was his fault that he cheated on me, but the cancer had messed up his mind so I don’t blame him. Well, I do, but now I have a young daughter to care for and love her as much as I loved him.

But you know what? There’s one thing I have to say. Even though almost seven years have passed, I’m still in love with Holland and I know that if he was alive, he’d walk through the door right now and yell, "You are my life, don’t forget".