Far From Home

I can still hear the notes. The last notes you ever played to me from that worthless acoustic you insisted we kept all these years. I can still feel the way the saddening tune trickled throughout the room and bounced off the walls, much like the brightness of your smile and the light in your eyes. The eyes I got lost in so many times I refuse to even begin to try and count, those beautiful toffee colored eyes. The slight breath you took before repeating the small riff, ghostly but mocking at the same time, I remember how my lips rose even further at the pure delight on your face. That was the night of our fifth wedding anniversary.

You’d worn a brilliant white shirt to dinner and managed to dip chocolate sauce on it after you thought you’d survived the meal without being the damn klutz that you've always been. We’d held each other tight whilst we laughed about it on the way home, we were tipsy and love drunk so we walked the whole way to our new house with the deep blue door and brass numbers. We’d ran straight upstairs, loosening our ties and leaving our shoes on the stairs as we went. We’d slammed the door shut and I made love to you, not for the first time and not for the last but this is the night my mind chose to remember.

We’d showered together in post-coital bliss; we fogged up the mirror and drew smiley faces like kids in it afterwards, still a little under the influence of the wine we’d ordered. You were in the bedroom before me, redressed and with that old bag of strings you adored so much, I could never understand why you were so fond of it when it needed re-tuning more times than it was worth, but you sang to me. You sang the same song I’m listening to now and even though the original is beautiful, yours was alluring, haunting. It still drifts though my nightmares; it still follows me during the day.

Some memories fades, many to shadows where I can’t quite see the detail in your eyes or how unruly I know your eyebrow use to be, I've almost forgotten the playful way your voice would rise when I called you out on one of your attempts to distract me from my laptop whilst I was working, the way those brown bushes of hair would disappear under your floppy fringe as you frayed innocence and I would play along. Until you tried again because after that it was war and tickle fights soon turned into carpet burns and lazy, peaceful grins.

I can still picture our wedding night, all soft lighting and smooth curves with silk covers and soft music. Warm smiles with close cuddles that attached my soul to yours deeper than the silver bands on our fingers ever could. We’d giggled, shared small pecks here and there, just content with burying ourselves into the sheets and forgetting that there was a world outside that we needed to explore. We just pushed that dream aside and promised to chase after it another time, when we weren’t so wrapped up in tan skin and brown locks.

I remember our first post-marital fight, it all seems stupid and petty now, isn’t that always the case? I’d met an old friend whilst picking up a few things to make dinner that night, he’d invited me for a drink and I’d text you asking if you wanted to join us. You coldly replied no with little explanation why and it had bugged me for a few hours as to the reason for that. I’d stumbled through the door in the early hours of the morning, hopelessly intoxicated and more than a little giddy. You’d been sat on the sofa waiting, in your baggy sweater, the one that was once mine but you somehow managed to sneak it into your side of the dresser and I didn’t mind so much because you looked cute in it. Your eyes looked red and tired which was a huge contrast to your body language which was ridged, full of anger. I remember beaming foolishly at you, not noticing your distraught state. You’d asked me where the hell I had been, I told you, you tensed even more if that was possible, you then asked me if I remembered what this date was. It was our six month anniversary, you’d made surprise dinner plans and I’d sat at a bar all night and drank with a friend I hadn’t seen since high school. The alcohol still pumping through my veins I fought my corner even though I had no leg to stand on. Needless to say I slept on the couch for a week, I deserved it. We’d had our fair share of fights throughout the years like all healthy couples but there was never any doubt in my mind that I always loved you, will always love you, still love you.

That hunk of wood you love stares at me every day, a constant reminder of you, I swear if I could I would bind your soul to the damned thing, it’s like it was a piece of you and I can’t get rid of it. It just sits in the corner and collects dust next to my own acoustic that I haven’t touched since May. It’s September now, they look so lost and lonely, they’re probably mirror my image. I’m struggling without you, you have no idea how much I need you right now. How I wish ghosts were real so that you could cling to this house, your home.

I remember the day you came back from a regular check up with eyes that held so much sorrow I nearly collapse right there on the hardwood floor. They were sending you for more tests, just for precautions sake they had told you but we knew the truth, something wasn’t right. We’d ordered take out, snuggled up to watch a movie, Batman I think, tangled our limbs together and just tried to escape the world for a bit like on our wedding night. Next came the ice-cream that I dabbed onto your nose then proceeded to lick off just to see you smile and chuckle at the hopeless romantic you were tied in holy matrimony too. I’d grinned and nuzzled in further to you.

The next picture is of us in a grey office, on grey chairs with a grey haired old man delivering us the news. I swear that room was built to be the dullest, most oppressive it could be. It made the news no less earth-shattering, it didn’t stop my heart from being ripped from my chest, didn’t help when my world stopped spinning and not even your fingers that I grasped at so desperately could keep me anchored to this earth.

My world was lost the day you were diagnosed, buried the day you had your first chemotherapy treatment, tombstone planted when I first saw you lying pale and tired in that grey hospital bed.

The first time I ever prayed to God was the day the doctors told me you seemed to be recovering, they’d run a few more test just to be sure but it looked like you had survived the worse of what was to come. I broke down, crying tears of happiness as a clutched at your hand even though you were unconscious; I just prayed you’d wake up so I could tell you the good news. You did, thank God you did, I just peppered your hand with tiny kisses and told you how much I loved you.

We were going to get to live a long happy life; you were cured as far as I was concerned and I couldn’t have been more ecstatic. You came home two weeks later, still tired and sore but with a smile a thousand watts bright. You were regaining your old spark more and more each day, I made sure to tell you how beautiful you were even as your hair began to grow back even if having no fringe made you eyebrows look even more ridiculous that they normally would. My smile never left for the next few months until things went back to normal. We had a life together again, we had forever, we had each other. My gorgeous husband and me with the whole world at our feet.

And so we took that chance, we chased the dream and travelled the world before we could change our minds. We’d seen sights we’d never thought about seeing, things that we’d seen on TV that were so much more stunning in person. Something new became apparent in your eyes, you’d caught the wanderlust bug and for the next few years we never stopped, we travelled to Asia, Europe, Africa, South America, Australia. Anywhere you wanted to go I would gladly follow, I would do anything for you. You were the love of my life, still are the love of my life. God I loved you.

Two weeks, we’d only been back in Baltimore, two weeks. You’d get fidgety if we were in the same place for too long but we’d come back to spend out fifth anniversary at home, to see some friends and family before we jetted off on your next bright-eyed whim. We’d gone to bed after round two, once you’d finished serenading me; I think you got too restless in the night. I think you tossed and turned as gently as possible so as not to wake me, I think you got up and made some coffee sitting yourself on our couch but you could still feel the itch in your bones, you had to get out, even if it was just for a little while. I think you grabbed the car keys thinking you wouldn’t be gone long and there was no need to wake me, you would settle into my arms when you got back. But you never came back.

You were hit by an eighteen-wheeler on the highway. You hit a patch of oil on an early May morning, you lost control and hit the central barrier ripping through it and onto the opposite highway, the car spun and he hit you driver side on. You were lucky not to have been killed instantly. But for me the call came too late, I had gotten up without you, made coffee and breakfast expecting you back soon for your little trip. Your cup was still on the coffee table. I couldn’t stop crying.

It was another two weeks, I sat everyday by your bedside, I refused to leave you unless I was forced. You’d suffered severe brain trauma, they told me if you made it that you wouldn’t be the same man I feel in love with, that if you made it our lives wouldn’t be the same. I didn’t care, I followed you to the ends of the Earth and back, you’d survived cancer, we could cheat death again. But I still couldn’t stop crying.

Death came to collect his bill; they turned off your life support machine. The man that completed me, the man that I fell so deeply in love with was gone forever, what did they expect me to do? Accept the fact that my soul mate was gone, that I was never going to see you beautiful brown eyes again or watch as your eyebrow lifted into your hairline or that we would never grow old together? I couldn’t live without you, I promise you babe I tried. But I couldn’t.

I tried everything, Ouija boards, séances; I just talked for hours to that stupid guitar hoping you would just talk back. You never did, I understand, don’t worry. I turned desperate, I couldn’t lose you we were meant to live together forever, we promised, we vowed too. Blades, pills, carbon monoxide, nothing worked.

Your heaven was trying to keep me out, to break me down, why can’t I just be with you. Why can’t death consume me to, because without you there is no me. Alexander William Gaskarth I can’t live without you, I can’t and tonight I promise that I will be with you, they won’t be able to revive me this time, no more suicide watch. Just me and you. I love you. Forever, for eternity. My soul mate, my other half.

Yours faithfully heartbroken husband, Jack. x