Do(lophine)

Your name was Do and Goddamn it, I saw you everywhere.

I woke up today, but I didn’t want any morphine. I wasn’t on it very long to begin with, maybe a couple days, but I still liked it more than I liked you.

Instead, I woke up thinking of you today, Do. Your frizzy hair and pixie voice and the way your eyes were all swollen and pinkish a couple of hours before. You know. And it was strange because I didn’t think of you often. You were someone I had sex with. You were not my significant other, or someone that I loved, or someone that I cared about. I could’ve promised you that up until today, Do, I swore I could’ve.

I guessed it had something to do with what you said to me the night before. You’d just found out that I’d been dibbling and dabbling in shit I ain’t got no business in and completely lost it. You even cried for a little bit, and it made me feel…strange. I was still thinking about it when I woke up.

I pulled my stash out from underneath my bed. Even now that I was looking at it, I still didn’t want that shit. Jesus, girl, what’ve you done, huh?

I had to see you. Ask you what was happening. All I could think about was you, your face. Usually after I stuck that needle in my vein, I was in some type of intense Utopia. And you know how sometimes if you close your eyes long enough, you begin to see little flashes of colors? That happened to me, too, except that I didn’t have to close my eyes. It tripped me the fuck out usually, but it was a mellow thing to experience all the same.

But today, however. I didn’t see any colors today. I wasn’t in anyone’s fucking Utopia today. Because today, all there was was you, and it was making me trip shit; more than any dose I’d sent into my blood stream. Goddamn it, like you were in my bloodstream instead.

Last night, you were on my ass. You didn’t hit me or anything, though I’m sure you wanted to after you saw a needle that I forgot to throw away on my bathroom sink. I’d never forget your face. You came barging into the bedroom, the door hitting the wall so hard that it left a crack. Your face was a deep red, both lips inside your mouth and your jaw trembling visibly. At first, I wasn’t able to tell if you were trying not to scream or cry. Both. You gripped that needle so tight…

You’d asked why, and when I told you that it made me feel good, you lost your shit. I didn’t even want to think about what you said. I didn’t get why last night, and I wasn’t sure of what changed, but now I did. You cared about me. You loved me. You shouldn’t have, you really shouldn’t have, but you did. And now I needed to see you, Do.

I knocked four times before you opened the front door. You didn’t say anything, but you didn’t look very expectant either. It made me feel something. Holy shit, what have you done?

I took you by the wrists and squeezed, got really close to your face. Do, “What’ve you been doing to me, girl?”

Your eyes got a little bigger. “I haven’t done jack shit.”

I frowned because that’s a lie; a filthy motherfucking lie, Do. “Yeah…yeah, you have. You wanna know how I know?” And I kissed you. You only responded a little—the slightest pressure—but I didn’t mind. I didn’t think it proved my point, but I wasn’t really worried about that. Because you were all I saw.

I told you, “I need you. I didn’t ever need you before. But Do, something’s changing. I woke up, and I didn’t want to shoot up. I still don’t. I thought about you this morning, and I don’t think about you much. You’re all I’ve been seeing. And I don’t love you yet, but something’s changing.”

You grabbed my face and stared. For a long time, really. You looked into my eyes, and I knew we weren’t having a moment or anything. It wasn’t that intense, and that wasn’t your intention to begin with. It was closer to you searching for something. I guessed you were looking for the dilation of my pupils, or some other telltale sign of me bullshitting you, and I felt something again when you didn’t find any.

I thought you might’ve been getting it when you smiled a little. And I figured that I was feeling relief because—finally. You’d been clouding my brain, ruling my vision, mixing in my blood. I thought I might’ve injected you into my veins this morning instead. Your smile visibly widened…shit. You were inside of me today, Do.

“You’re not high—Jesus Christ! You’re not high!”