Status: One Shot

I'm Lost Without You

Chapter 1

Dear Alex,

I remember when my eyes first met yours that fateful day 10 years ago. I remember how the snow was lightly falling out side the coffee shop windows and how beautiful you looked in your slightly damp coat and scarf with flakes of snow melting in your fringe. I remember how my brown eyes lit up when they met yours and how a light smile tugged its way on your chapped lips. I walked over to you and offered to buy you a drink, being as smooth as I could. All I was then was a lanky 16 year old boy with a hopeless infatuation, but for some reason you agreed and we talked for hours.

I remember our first real date, I took you to see that new horror movie that was out because I knew if I was scared I'd have a reason to cuddle into you. We had dinner after at some cheap restaurant because we were just teenagers with no money. I drove you home and you kissed me good night. I still remember how soft your lips were against mine and how fast my heart beat was when you waked away.

I remember our six month anniversary. I remember how we built a fort in my living room out of pillows and blankets and ate pizza while watching Home Alone. It wasn't much but it was more than enough for me because you were there and that's all I ever needed. I remember when you first told me you loved me 5 weeks later and I almost cried because I never thought someone like you could love me back. I remember how I hugged you so tight you thought you might suffocate, but I couldn't dream of letting go.

I remember the first time we made love. You were so gentle and sweet, afraid to hurt me. I remember how good it felt. Oh God Lex you always made me feel so good, so wanted. I remember waking up to caramel hair stuck against my pillow and smiling to myself. I remember feeling bad because I had left bright red scratches down your back and you felt the same when I moved and winced at the sharp pain in my back. But we apologized with a kiss and made pancakes together, well at least we tried to make pancakes together only to end up giggling on the kitchen floor covered in flour. You made me so happy Lex.

I remember our first fight. I was screaming at you and you screamed back, both saying things we didn't mean, funny thing is I can't even remember why now. I remember you storming out the front door of my parents house leaving me lost and afraid. I remember sinking down against the door and letting a sob leave my throat. I had thought that I for sure lost you, but no more than 10 minutes you were back with red eyes and a tear streaked face. Your nose was stuffy as you sobbed out an apology and I just pulled you as close as I could making you promise to never leave me.

I remember graduation day, 2005. I remember being so proud as I watched you walk across the stage. We had been together for almost 2 years by then, and I had never been happier. After the graduation party we went back to your place and celebrated on our own. We got shit faced drunk and fucked. It wasn't making love this time, it was full on fucking and Lex you were so perfect.

I remember the day I proposed. We were 22, still young, our whole lives ahead of us, or so we thought. I remember how nervous I was. Maybe it was to soon, maybe you wanted to explore other options, we we're so young after all. But I knew I loved you more than anything and you loved me too, and that must have been enough because you said yes, oh God you said yes. You said yes and rapidly shook your head, tears beginning to pour out of those beautiful toffee eyes of yours. I remember hugging you so tight and never wanting to let you go because you were mine forever.

I remember standing at the end of the isle, watching you make your way down in a sharp-looking tux. I remember not being not being able to stop the tears from making there way down my cheeks. I remember whispering “I do” not trusting my voice to go any higher, and kissing you with so much passion. I'll never forget that day because it was the best of my life.

I remember just a year later when you came home from a routine doctors appointment with a empty look in your eyes. I immediately expected the worst, and I was right. It was cancer. I held you all night trying my best to stay strong for you, and we watched Peter Pan like the 6 year old's we were at heart. As far as the doctors could tell you had 2 years. I remember trying to make the most of those days, while still living as normally as possible. As long as you were here with me everything would be okay. I remember your first chemo session. I remember how my heart broke seeing you so weak. You were hunched over a light pink bucket hurling your guts out. I felt so powerless against what was destroying you inside and really I was. I remember rubbing your back and whispering sweet nothings in your ear, trying as hard as I could to make you feel at least a little better.

I remember the day you left me. Some how I think we both knew it was the end, but I refused to admit it, there was no way I could lose my other half, the only half I ever really loved. I remember holding on to your cold hands and trying my best to stay strong for you, but it was so, so hard. You broke the silence with a soft whisper, making me promise to stay strong when you were gone and to keep living and find love again. I told you to stop talking like that, but promised you anyway, making sure your knew I could never love anyone like I loved you, just so you would be happy. I remember hearing the heart monitor by your bed flat line. I remember screaming something along the lines of “Lexy you can't leave me,” and sobbing until hysterical. I remember the nurses rushing in, two of them had to hold me back because I was trying to reach out to you, bring you back to me, but it was futile, you were gone.

I remember the funeral. The sky was bright with sunshine and it was a cool spring day. Those used to be my favorite days before you were gone, but nothing makes me happy without you. I remember starting off dry-eyed, long out of tears to shed, but when it came to my time to speak I lost it. Rian and Zack had to pull me away from the stand and back to my seat because I was crying to hard to finish. I remember sitting in the cemetery next to your fresh dug grave long after everyone was gone. I wasn't saying anything, just plucking at the pieces of grass next to your head stone and letting silent tears roll off my cheeks.

I know I told you I'd be strong with out you Lex, but I can't do it anymore. It's been a year and this emptiness inside me is becoming unbearable. Everyone said it would get better with time but I know their lying. You were my everything Lex, and now your gone. I honestly see no point in life with out you. I tried, please know I tried, but I can't take this anymore. Don't worry though because soon I'll be with you again and we can be happy together like we were always meant to be.

I have to go now Lex, my tears are making it hard to see and there's a lot of blood, so much blood. I'm scared, I won't lie, but I know that this is whats best. I'll see you soon I know that now because the room is spinning and I haven't even taken the pills yet. I love you so much Lexy.

See you in the stars,
Jack