Be Like You

There were brighter days of course. It wasn't always like this with Chante. She is a good person I know. Its just people. They judge her for who she was, and she cant handle that. She overthinks and over analyzes things. She always has the fear that I will leave her like her everyone else in her life. Little does she know that she is my first thought in the morning and the last thought at night. That I cherish her laugh, her smile. That I love her with all my heart. But most of all that I love all the small things she hates about herself. I think their are the most unique and beautiful things about her.

But now she lets these people get into her head. They have made her believe that she isn't good enough for me. But that isn't true ofcourse. They have made her believe that people like her cant be with people like me. They say that she wont overcome her depression.
I dont believe that. I will continue to try with Chante. Every morning I will wake her with a smile and encourage to get out of the house or do something new today.

Ofcourse it isn't easy. Depression isn't like a flu, its more like a cancer. You cant just tell a person to get over it. They need more than that. And that's exactly what I plan to do with Chante: more.

That's not it you see, she also has an eating disorder. She thinks shes too fat to be loved. She is fairly thin, quite skinny actually. I would accept no matter what she looked like as long as she was healthy because health is my main priority.

Whenever she feels like venting it out she cuts herself. Soothing she says. But I don't like it. With every cuts she constructs onto her skin, she cuts a piece of my heart aswell.

This hurts me very much. She was doing so well after she came from therapy, but then she remembered what she was before and people started talking to and about her past.
This triggered it all over again.

Why cant she see that by hurting herself she isn't doing anything but leaving scars that are a constant reminder. She is trying to kill the monster on the inside by hurting the outer man.

I don't understand why she does this. I don't want to not understand. So I will put myself in her shoes, literally. I will try to understand her completely.

There she is coming into the kitchen. I have prepared breakfast but not too much because I know she doesn't eat much. I smile at her and she returns a small smile. She really does try this one.
'You want something to eat?' I ask her sweetly.

'No I'm okay not hungry.' Liar I want to say but I cant. I know that she is hungry but she will not eat because she suffers from anorexia.

We don't do much for the rest of the morning and I head to practice as usual. I want to call someone over to watch her but I know that she must initiate to do that for herself, there is only so much that I can do.

I don't perform well at practice today as I haven't eaten the whole day. The guys make fun of me and coach wont get off my back. It really is depressing but I wont eat. I will try to put myself in her shoes so she can see what it does to me to see her like this.

On the drive home I am almost shaking with hunger and I feel the urge to lay down and look outside doing nothing. Now I understand why she is always laying down doing nothing. When a person hasnt eaten for a whole day they don't have much energy.
I am starting to see the world a little more like Chante.

When I reach home it is awfully quiet.
Chante is in the bedroom I can hear her movements though she is trying to be as quiet as possible.
As I step closer to the door I hear that her breathing seems uneven.
I open the door and slip in quietly. She turns around and lays sad eyes on me, then tears begin to stream down her cheeks.

'You are perfect Sergio' I almost don't hear it because its such a low whisper.

I am about to walk torward when my stomach grumbles. I look up and notice that she is holding a blade. Before I can do anything else she strolls into the bathroom and sits on the toilet with the sea closed.

She is looking down at her wrist playing with the blade on the tips of her fingers. She is concentrating on the task at hand. I know she is going to cut herself again.

I sigh and step to the cupboards looking for one of my shaving razors. I take one out and put it on the sink. I look in the cupboard and take out a glass bottle filled with pills. I break my razor by hitting it with the pill bottle.

I take my razor and kneel infront of Chante. Without saying a word just looking into her eyes.
At first she looks confused but the she shakes her head and sets the razor on her wrist gently.

'For every cut you make on yourself I cut myself aswell,' I say softly so she knows before she starts.

She raises he brow at me but than she gives me a disbelieving look and looks back at her wrist.
She darts the razor into her skin and pulls in a horizontal line and the blood trickles from her skin. It torments me.

I take my own razor and out against my skin. I waste no time and cut myself but not too deep. I shut my eyes immediately from the pain. It's more painful to think that Chante goes through this kind of pain aswell. The blood escapes from my skin and the my whole hand feels like its on fire. I think im going to faint because im weak due to not eating and now this. I now begin to shiver with the thought of Chante feeling like this everyday.

When I finally open my eyes Chant looks like she just saw a cat being runover. She sees what I see for once.

'Stop it Sergio you are hurting yourself.' Her eyes widen with understanding almost immediately after she says those words. The tears start to roll down her cheeks uncontrollably.

I spring to action and take her into my arms.
'That's how I feel Chante, now do you understand? I did this on purpose. I stopped eating food and put myself into your shoes. So I could feel like you but then I saw your bitterness and why wanted to leave and maybe put you to the test and say I love you but now it seems you love me.' I said as I held onto her.

'Promise me you will get better Chante,' I pulled back slightly to look into her eyes.

She nodded looking down. Her eyes popped up and she said,'Promise me that you will be by my side'

I looked into her eyes and she knew the answer was yes immediately.