Down and Out

Two years ago, Jack never would have pictured his apartment to look like it does now. He’s twenty-four, single and not exactly looking for anyone to settle down with (aside from one person in particular who is already taken). His apartment should look just like every other single twenty-four year old guy’s – but it doesn’t. There are empty sippy cups in his kitchen sink and boxes of Cheerios and Fruit Loops lined up on the counter. There’s a magnet from a pediatrician’s office with a phone number and the doctor’s name. There’s a playpen in his living room, right in front of the TV with a crying two year old boy sitting inside it, looking at Jack like he’s the only person in the world who can possibly help him out right now. But Jack just stands there, staring down at his cell phone with another text from his best friend.

'One more night, if that’s okay?’ is all it reads and Jack wants nothing more than to smash his cell phone against a wall or something equally as destructive. He didn’t ask for this, but since when has that mattered?

One glance at the time on the cable box tells Jack that Liam isn’t just screaming his lungs out for no reason. It’s half past one and he hasn’t eaten since ten in the morning and was just rudely awakened from his nap by Jack’s cell phone ringing loudly on the coffee table. He’s still in the pajamas Jack had dressed him in the night before, from the small stack of clothes he has in the bottom drawer of Jack’s dresser. So since the screaming has been justified, Jack just tosses the phone onto the couch, a much softer material than what he originally intended to toss it at, and crosses the living room to the playpen. He bends down and grabs the two year old as gently as he can and the second Liam is in his arms, he stops screaming.

“Ow,” is the first thing he says, trying to reach up and pull Jack’s hair while simultaneously trying to hide his face in Jack’s t-shirt.

“Something hurt?” Jack asks him, “Or are you hungry?”

They make it to the kitchen and Jack sits him down in the booster seat he found at a garage sale last spring. Liam rubs at his eyes and pouts as Jack takes a paper plate and pours some Cheerios out for him to keep him occupied while he figures out lunch.

“Eye hurt,” Liam says, this time covering his left eye with his right hand and pouting even more than Jack thought he was capable of. When Jack places the paper plate in front of him however, he takes his hand off his eye and forgets about it, instead focusing on picking up the Cheerios one at a time and putting them in his mouth. His eye looks perfectly fine to Jack so Jack just shrugs and opens his refrigerator, in search of something nutritious for a two year old.

Alex had dropped off a few things late last night, when he brought Liam over because there was an “emergency” that needed to be dealt with at that very moment. Liam was sleeping, not at all dressed for the February weather and with a blanket haphazardly wrapped around him. Jack will never even think that Alex is a bad father, but he will easily admit that he’s a forgetful one. But at least this time he remembered to bring peanut butter and apples, two of Liam’s favorites. As far as the “emergencies” that happen far too frequently for Jack to just let slide anymore…he’s going to have to think about how to deal with those. And sooner rather than later.

“How about some peanut butter on crackers, little dude?” Jack asks, pulling a box of crackers from the top shelf of one of his cabinets. They’ve been up there for months. The expiration date says they have another week. Lucky break. “And I can cut up some apples and I’ll see if we have any more juice boxes from last week.”

He turns around as he’s unscrewing the top of the peanut butter jar, finding Liam pushing the last few Cheerios around on his plate holding his head up with one hand. “Okay. Where’s Daddy?”

“He had some things he needed to do. We can call him later.”

“Okay.” If there’s one word that Liam uses more than any others, it’s ‘okay’. “Daddy’s eye hurted.”

That’s a new thing, though, and Jack is a little bit confused and a lot worried as to why this two year old is telling him this. “What do you mean?”

The kid just points to his eye, eats another Cheerio and ignores Jack’s question altogether, so Jack just lets it go. Two year olds hardly ever know what they’re talking about anyway, right? So he just spreads peanut butter on a couple of crackers, tears open a pack of pre-sliced red apples and digs through his fridge for a grape juice box that he knows he stored in the bottom drawer just last week. When he does find it, it’s missing its straw but luckily Jack is a pro at this by now and happens to have an extra one in the silverware drawer. He sticks it through the top of the juice box, puts it down in front of Liam and gives himself a well-deserved mental pat on the back because he’s the best uncle any kid has ever had. He’d say that Alex owes him for this, but he also knows that there’s no way he’d ever take any kind of payment for looking after Liam. He loves the kid way too much. And Alex, too. But Alex isn’t exactly in his good books at the moment.

After getting his cell phone from the couch and sitting down at the kitchen table with Liam, Jack tries to figure out an appropriate response to Alex’s text about Liam staying over for one more night. What could Alex possibly be doing that he can’t have Liam around? It’s not that Jack doesn’t want Liam here – it’s just that he’s worried about his best friend and what the hell he’s up to. If he had to guess, he’d say that Alex’s asshole boyfriend has everything to do with it. But he can’t be positive so he can’t go jumping to conclusions. It’s just that this is the fourth time in two weeks that Alex has needed Jack to watch Liam for him. Jack can’t help but be suspicious.

He’s about to ask Liam if maybe he wants to go down to the playground at the elementary school, because he thinks that’s the best place to meet with Alex (it’s quiet and neutral, which is perfect in case their conversation goes downhill), but before he can, Liam reaches for his juice box and in the process knocks over Jack’s coffee mug from breakfast.

A lot of things happen in the seconds that follow. The coffee mug falls onto the hardwood floor, smashing into multiple pieces. Liam gasps and instantly bursts into tears. Jack briefly considers whether to use the broom and dustpan or just grab the vacuum from the hall closet. And finally, Liam slides out of his seat and hides under the table, still crying and much too close to the broken glass for Jack’s liking.

Jack gets on the opposite side of the table from the broken glass, getting down on his hands and knees and tries to sound as calm and comforting as he can as he says, “Liam, it’s fine. It’s just a cup.” The two year old just keeps his hands over his eyes, shoulders shaking as he cries just as hard as he was before Jack tried to do damage control. Obviously, Jack sucks at this. But in his personal opinion, he thinks this reaction is a little dramatic for a two year old.

“Li, it’s okay,” he tries again, this time reaching out and putting his hand on Liam’s tiny shoulder. “Come on, you can’t finish your lunch under a table, can you?”

Mostly because his knees are starting to hurt, but also because it's looking like Liam is not going to get up on his own, Jack pulls him into his arms and carefully gets up from the floor, making sure not to bump their heads on the table. Liam is sniffling into Jack's t-shirt, mumbling 'I sorry' over and over. It actually sounds more like I sowwy, thanks to his tears and his fist in his mouth. Jack has dealt with Liam in worse emotional states than this; however it's never been because of something like this.

Jack's thin fingers rub circles on his back, using the other hand to cup the back of his head. This method has worked before, and seems to be working again. Within minutes, everything is almost back to normal, save for the broken glass on the floor and Liam's sniffles. Jack thinks it's safe to try and figure this out now.

"See? No big deal. It was an accident, right?"

"It broken," Liam mumbles, head resting on Jack's shoulder. He sounds so sad and disappointed about it and it makes Jack's heart hurt. He hopes he doesn't get like this every time something happens at home.

"It's okay. I'm not upset so you shouldn't be upset either."

He gets Liam to sit back down and finish his lunch but the whole thing continues to bother him even after the glass is cleaned up and they're putting on shoes to go to the park. He had texted Alex a short while ago, telling him they need to talk. Alex had quickly responded with 'yeah, we do. Park?' And Jack took him up on it.

Jack can't help but watch Liam even more closely, and he's almost ashamed about the fact that he checked the kid for bruises. There were none, and Jack isn't sure why he even thought that there might be. Alex would never put a hand on Liam, let alone let anybody else.

It still bothers him the entire way to the park. Liam seems to have forgotten about the whole thing, kicking his feet against the back of the passenger’s seat in front of him and babbling about nothing. His words don't make sense all the time but Jack has been reading to him on the nights he stays over. Alex takes him to classes at the library. Jack's not sure what Jeremy does, if anything. He's been Alex's boyfriend for almost two years and Jack's fairly certain he's only seen him interact with Liam one-on-one a small handful of times. And Jack's also fairly certain he has everything to do with Liam staying over his house more and more.

"Hey, Liam," Jack says when they pull into a parking space, only a few feet away from the playground gates. Jack sees Alex already there, sitting on a bench and waiting. "Has Jeremy been at your house this week?"

Liam nods, hands tight on his sippy cup filled with watered down apple juice. "Jeremy live in my house," he says simply, giving the chair another hard kick. He doesn't look particularly happy about that, but then again he doesn't look sad either.

Jack kind of figured that had happened - that Jeremy had managed to infiltrate Alex's life almost completely. Jack is rarely invited over anymore. It would be an understatement to say Jeremy is not Jack's biggest fan. Probably because he seems to be convinced that Alex and Jack had a relationship at some point in the past. He's wrong, but Jack thinks if Jeremy had never come around, maybe it would have happened.

"Okay," Jack sighs, turning the car off and putting his keys in his hoodie pocket. "Ready for the playground?"

Liam is practically a carbon copy of Alex, and sometimes Jack finds himself wondering if there's any part of his other father in him at all. Alex doesn't know who he is - a one night stand from somewhere in Las Vegas while they were there for their best friend Rian's bachelor party. The only thing he knows about him is that his name was Ryan and he lived on the west coast. When Liam spots his dad sitting on the bench waiting for him, he doesn't think twice about letting go of Jack's hand and running to him, throwing himself into his open arms at an impressive speed.

"I missed you so much," he hears Alex say, and Jack can't help but feel a little more relaxed about the situation - until he gets a good look at Alex's face.

Last night, it had been too dark in the hallway for Jack to really see Alex's face. He had his hood up over his head and didn't take it down even when Jack invited him inside, but Jack had assumed that was because it was raining. But now, in the daylight, Alex looks like he went a round with a pro wrestler and didn't even fight back at all.

"What the hell happened to you?" Jack demands, standing in front of the bench Alex is sitting on.

Alex ignores him, kissing Liam and hugging him tight before telling him to go play on the slide for a few minutes. "I have to talk to Jack, okay? Then I'll come play."

Liam doesn't need to be told twice. He pecks his dad on the cheek before running off in the opposite direction, heading straight for the slide. Jack sits down next to Alex and Alex flinches, but he doesn't try and move.

"It took me longer than I'd like to admit to figure it out," Jack says, looking straight ahead at Liam. "And I'm not proud of it. But today Liam was acting weird. And I put the puzzle together."

Finally Jack turns on the bench, pulls his feet up to cross his legs underneath him, and reaches out and grips Alex's chin in his hands, careful to mind the fingerprint-shaped bruises, forcing him to look at Jack. "When did he do this to you?"

Alex blinks, his eyes watery and unfocused. "Yesterday. The black eye came first. Then I brought Liam to you," he admits softly, pulling out of Jack's grip, "And the rest came after I went back home."

"Why would you even go back home, Alex? After he hit you?"

Alex shrugs. "Not the first time. I have nowhere else to go."

Jack feels nauseous at the words leaving Alex's mouth. "Not the first time? You mean he's done this before?"

"He usually is smart enough not to go near my face," Alex whispers, and that's enough to break any confidence he had through the conversation. He stares down at his hands, sleeves pulled up to his fingertips and Jack reaches down and pushes them back, revealing black and blue and purple bruises all along his wrists, where someone had gripped him too tight.

"Oh my God," Jack breathes, letting out the breath he was holding. His stomach is in knots and his eyes are stinging and he can't believe he's been this blind. He's been so stupid. He could have stopped this so much sooner had he just tried harder to find out why Alex kept giving him Liam for days at a time instead of just writing it off as Alex being irresponsible.

"I'm so sorry, Alex," he mumbles, softly rubbing his fingers over the bruises. "I'm so sorry I didn't realize. And I'm so sorry you didn't think you could come to me with this."

Alex disagrees instantly, "You didn't do anything wrong, Jack. You've been nothing but perfect and helped me out when I needed it the most and you didn't even know it. The most important thing to me is that Liam is safe, and the only place I know he's safe for sure is with you."

"But you weren't safe," he protests, watching as Alex turns away from him, eyes focusing on Liam climbing up the short ladder on the slide. "Your safety is just as important to me as Liam's. And I get that you brought him to me to keep him away from Jeremy but you should have let me take care of you too. Since when have you had nowhere else to go? My apartment is as much your home as it is mine. I've always said that."

"Yeah I know."

They're both quiet for a while, watching Liam and making sure he doesn't trip over himself and fall, like he's kind of known to do. Jack has a million questions for Alex but he doesn't know how to ask them. And that's ridiculous, because Alex has been his best friend for too long for him to feel awkward about this. They tell each other everything - or at least that's what Jack thought.

"When did it start?" He decides to go with, figuring that's something he should know. "Recently?"

Alex doesn't say anything at first and Jack thinks maybe he's starting to close himself off and he won't get any more answers. But finally the older boy shrugs. "He's always been a little controlling, since we first started dating. But you knew that."

"Controlling is one thing. Abusive is another."

"The first time he hit me was a few months into it. I don't know if you remember this, but that time me and Liam went into the city with you for the St. Patrick’s Day parade? We got home and he was waiting on my front steps. I put Liam in his crib and then...he flipped. He kept accusing me of cheating on him with you and telling me I don't appreciate him and I just stood there because I didn't even really have a response. I knew deep down if I was given the opportunity, I would cheat on him with you in a second."

At first it's all Jack can do to keep himself from getting up and leaving the park and going off and finding that asshole and letting him know exactly how much he doesn't appreciate him treating his best friend like a punching bag. But then Alex's words actually register in his brain and suddenly he can't think of anything else.

"I don't want what I said to ruin us Jack," Alex mutters, taking Jack's silence the wrong way. "I've gone this long being okay with it, it doesn't have to change-"

"You just told me you would cheat on your boyfriend with me in a second, and you don't want it to change anything?" Jack says, looking for a little bit of clarification before he says anything he might end up regretting. "Do you still feel that way?"

"Jack-"

"Do you? Sitting here right now, would you do it?"

"I...well yeah. Of course I would."

"Why?"

Alex actually looks pissed off now, and Jack thinks maybe he's pushed too far. But he just scoffs at Jack and turns away from him as he says, "Because you're the only person who has ever been there for me from the beginning. You're the only person who's liked me for who I am. You're the only person who loves Liam as much as I do. You're the only person I would trust with him. You've been my best friend since we were kids, Jack. My feelings for you got stronger and stronger every single year that's passed."

Jack has always had a feeling he and Alex could have been something more, but he always ignored it because Alex never seemed interested in that way. But now he's confessing that all this time he has felt something for Jack and Jack is having a rough time actually figuring out what this means. He does have enough sense to smile though, and lace his fingers with Alex's. It feels as good as he always imagined it would.

"I can't believe we've both had feelings for each other and didn't have the balls to admit to them," he laughs, "If we had, we'd have been together for a long time already."

Alex grins as he looks down at their hands, and even with the bruises Jack still thinks he's stunning. "Yeah, I guess. But then again, if we got together before, I probably wouldn't have Liam."

"You're right," Jack agrees, watching as Liam sits down in the sandbox, shovel in hand. "But you also wouldn't have started seeing Jeremy."

"I would take the bruises any day if it meant having Liam in my life, you know that."

He knew that would be Alex's response. Liam has been Alex's whole world ever since he was born almost three years ago. And if Jack is honest, he'd rather a life with Liam as opposed to a life without him.

"What do we do now?"

It's kind of an easy answer. "You pack up all your things and come to my place while he's not there. And then you go the cops."

"I don't think going to the cops is going to do much. Besides...I don't think he's going to be back anytime soon. He left right after he did it. I think he realized how much damage he did and how hard it would be to escape the blame if anyone found out."

"You're not staying there. You're telling your landlord you're moving out and you can let him deal with Jeremy when he comes back. I don't want you anywhere where he can put his hands on you again."

Alex slumps against the back of the bench, looking like he accepts what Jack is saying, but he doesn't want to. "I like my apartment," he sighs, "And Liam likes it too."

"We can find another one you both like. For the three of us. How's that?"

"So...we move in together."

"Yeah. Unless you don't want to. I'm not saying we should start a relationship right now. I just want you safe. I would understand-"

"I want to. I can get over my apartment. And Liam would just be happy that he would see you every day. As far as the relationship thing goes...we can talk about that later."

Another car pulls into the parking lot and Alex sighs. "We should go. If I'm getting out of the apartment today I need to start now. It'll take hours just to get Liam's things packed."

Jack gets Liam from the sandbox while Alex starts his car. The little boy protests at first, pouting when Jack makes him put the shovel down and come with him, but Jack promises ice cream for dessert if he's good the rest of the day and that instantly puts a smile on Liam's face and has him grabbing Jack's hand and following him all the way to the car. Jack can't help but feel like this is going to be his life from now on. He and Alex might have a lot to talk about and they might need to take this as slow as possible, but he thinks it's going to work out for them.

- - -

A year later and it's definitely worked out.

At almost four years old, Liam is much more observant than he was - and that's saying something, because he was pretty observant before. His fingers leave smudges on the window as looks out at the street below where Alex is scraping ice off his car.

"What if the baby gets cold?" He asks, sounding more concerned than he did that time his stuffed animal got stuck behind the TV.

Jack smiles and puts his coffee down on the kitchen table. "Daddy's got three coats on, I think the baby will be nice and warm," he tells him, "Come finish your cereal before it gets soggy."

He runs back to the table and sits in front of his cereal thirty seconds before the front door opens and Alex comes back inside, stripping off his layers of clothes.

"It's freezing outside but sweltering in here," he complains, letting his scarf drop onto the floor. He walks into the kitchen and ruffles Liam's hair before heading for the fridge. "Almost ready Li?"

Liam nods in the middle of putting his spoon in his mouth and Alex sighs as milk drips on the table and down the front of his shirt.

"You'll need a new shirt before we leave. And it’s Show and Tell for your class so pick something to bring," he says, taking the carton of orange juice out of the fridge. "Hurry up, the car will be warned up soon."

Alex sits down at the same time that Liam gets up, running down the hallway to his bedroom that he's soon going to have to share. Alex rolls his eyes affectionately, "He's crazy."

"He's excited," Jack corrects, "Embrace it while it lasts. You never know - he might be the jealous type."

The past three months have consisted of Alex and Jack trying to decide how exactly they were going to tell Liam that he was going to be a big brother. They didn't really know how well he would take it, but they shouldn't have even worried about it that much because of course Liam responded with excitement and curiosity. When will the baby be here? was followed closely by How did you make a baby? and How does the baby get out? And best of all, Can I have a baby?

Needless to say, Liam is more than excited about his potential baby brother or sister. And Jack can't even blame him - he's pretty excited too.

"Are you sure you want to take him? There's really no reason for you to go out if I'm home," Jack says, nudging Alex's knee with his foot user the table. "You could call in sick and go back to bed and cuddle with me."

"As much as I'd love that, it's not exactly practical is it? I can't call in sick without my boss getting pissed off and why should you have to go out when you have off?"

"Because you're pregnant."

"Pregnant, not incapable. Besides, soon enough I won't be able to leave the house as much and you'll be begging to take him to preschool. So take advantage."

"I just worry about you, you know that," Jack reminds him, finishing off his coffee. "Especially considering Rian claims he saw Jeremy at the bar last week."

Alex just waves him off, going back to the fridge and taking out the Sesame Street lunchbox that has Liam's lunch for school. He sets it on the counter next to his cell phone so he won't forget it. "If I see that asshole the very first thing he's going to notice is the fact that I'm pregnant. He may be an awful human being but I don't think he'd want to hurt me and risk hurting the baby too. That would be too much for him.”

“I’d really rather not risk it,” Jack mumbles, but he knows Alex isn’t going to budge on this one. Ever since they got together, and moved him out of his old apartment, Alex kind of made it a point to get back on his feet all on his own and take care of himself, just to prove that he could. Jack was fine with it – the last thing he wants is for Alex to be dependent on him – but he really wishes he’d take the Jeremy thing a little more seriously. The guy abused him for nearly two years. You can’t just ignore something like that. “And really, if I were to look at you and not already know that you’re pregnant, that wouldn’t be the first thing I think.”

Alex stands up straight, unzips his hoodie and looks down at himself. “I guess you’re right.”

He’s five months pregnant, yet he’s really not showing as much as he was when he was this far along with Liam. Jack asked the doctor a million times if that was okay, if he was gaining enough weight or if Jack should try and force-feed him, but the doctor laughed at him and told him that Alex is fine and at a perfect weight for his height. So Jack tries not to worry about it too much.

“Liam! We’re going to be late!” Alex yells, zipping his hoodie back up and he looks the same as he did before he was pregnant. If you’d never met him, you’d never know. “Don’t forget your backpack!”

Jack gets up and puts his cup in the sink, leaning up against the counter and pulling Alex in close to him. “Try and get out of work early, and bring me home hot chocolate from Starbucks.”

Alex rolls his eyes but relaxes into Jack’s arms anyway, wrapping his own arms around Jack’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder. “I’ll see what I can do. Maybe it won’t be too busy.”

Alex works as a receptionist at a physical therapy office in town. It’s not the greatest job in the world but it pays bills and Alex doesn’t even hate it. The people are nice and sometimes patients actually make his day a little bit better. That’s not to say that he wouldn’t rather stay in bed with Jack all day than go into work, though.

“Love you,” Jack says, and he kisses Alex, lips pressing against his gently, yet firmly enough to get his point across. His hands wander, down Alex’s back and over his stomach where he rests them in hopes to feel kicking or any kind of movement at all. But there’s nothing.

“Pretty sure this is its naptime,” Alex laughs, “It keeps me up all night and decides to nap when I’m wide awake. But if you want I can totally wake you up at three in the morning when it feels like I’m being attacked from the inside.”

“Uh, I’ll just wait,” Jack decides, pecking Alex’s lips once more time before letting him go. “We should probably stop calling it ‘it’.”

Alex just shrugs and turns to grab his things off the counter. “Liam! Come on!” he shouts, sounding more exasperated than he did before. “God, what the hell is that kid doing?”

Jack has a pretty good idea as to what exactly Liam is doing that’s taking so long, but he just shrugs and feigns innocence and turns to the sink to wash out his coffee mug. He hears Alex drop his phone back onto the counter and go down the hallway to the bedroom at the end of the hall.

“Liam! You can’t bring fish to school!”

Yeah, that’s exactly what Jack was expecting.

“Oh, my god, Li. Go get paper towels.”

There’s the sound of tiny feet running down the hallway and Jack doesn’t even count to five in his head before Liam is sliding across the hardwood floor in his socks, holding a glass with a little bit of water and a very large, very fat goldfish.

“Oh, Liam,” Jack sighs, beckoning him forward and takes the glass as soon as he’s within reach. He holds the glass up and shrugs. It is pretty impressive, the fact that he got him in the glass and he’s still alive. “You know why fish can’t go to school?”

Liam watches him pour the fish into a clear glass flower vase that was just recently washed, eyes wide. “Why?”

“They don’t speak English, dude,” Jack tells him sadly, handing him the roll of paper towels. “Bring these to your dad and I’ll get this guy back into his tank and maybe I can try and teach him some English.”

At first, Liam looks doubtful, as though Jack totally cannot teach a fish how to speak English. That’s the Alex side of him – the skeptic and the over-thinker. But then the four-year-old side of him comes back full force and he grins and asks, “Can you teach him how to say Liam?”

“Sure thing.”

Liam goes back to his bedroom and Jack looks down at the fish, now swimming a little more happily in the bigger space he has. He hears Alex talking in the bedroom, something about fish being stay-at-home pets and Liam says something about them not speaking English and Jack knows he’s going to hear about that one as soon as Alex gets him alone later. Five minutes later, they both come back out onto the kitchen, this time with Liam fully dressed in his jacket and sneakers and gloves and his backpack on his back and Alex has an armful of wet paper towels that he dumps into the trash can.

“Well. We’re officially late,” he says, but he doesn’t sound angry about it, which Jack gives him credit for. Liam just smiles sheepishly, putting his hand in Alex’s and tugging him towards the door. “We’ll see you when we get home, Jack.”

Jack waves and watches them leave the apartment, hating the fact that he’s going to be spending the day without them. They’re the two most important people in his life, and while they always had been, he kind of can’t believe how much more so they’ve become over the past year alone. He had thought he and Alex weren’t meant to be together, just because they’d had plenty of chances since they met. But sometimes, he figures, good things get delayed for good reasons.